what it's hard not to fixate on

r. is messed up. he's been messed up this whole time. he was messed up long before i met him. he will likely be messed up long after i move on with my life.

it's so clear to me now, just how much of our problems were directly caused by his being messed up. his energy made the whole house heavy, and it kept him from being a good father and a good husband. it wasn't anything i did and it wasn't anything the kids did. he's just messed up.

he's always had new life-itis...if this or that happens, then this problem will be resolved. of course i never realized that he would take it to this extreme. he really WANTED a family. he said i was a good wife. i was. i assumed that under the canopy of a loving family, next to his supportive wife, he'd be able to deal with whatever messed him up. it really seemed that way. but he just got more and more messed up. he seemed only mildly, and understandably, messed up initially--and given his upbringing, it made sense. he just deteriorated. i don't think he realized that just starting his new life (with us, i mean) wouldn't be enough...that to really be better, he would have to look at and address whatever it was that messed him up. once he realized it wasn't enough, rather than saying okay, i gotta deal with this, he got scared and refused to look at it...and got more messed up. then he became unbearable and i was on the verge of telling him to leave, i'd had enough...which he probably sensed anyways...so he started setting up the pins for his new life...the unchallenging girlfriend who will listen all supportively to his feelings about his messed up marriage (omitting the blatant fact that his marriage was just a mirror for his messed up self...and this is why the girlfriend has to be unchallenging, a smart woman wouldn't let that slide). and then he left. and then he cut off all non-business related contact between us, so i couldn't say things like this to him (i'm not the unchallenging girlfriend type), and got into his new girlfriend and his new life and keeps anything that might challenge what he's doing far, far away.

yeah. it's hard not to fixate on this. because i am 100 percent convinced of it. so it's frustrating. he could just choose to face whatever messed him up. he could just deal with it. he'd have a loving, supportive wife and best friend to help him through. but he refuses. and it's really sad, because, he doesn't see that he's running away from himself...and he can never escape himself...and he's just going to keep ping-ponging off the girls and the friends in his life, cutting all ties, removing all challenges...until he deals with his problems or dies.

so i get all tight in the chest and feel like i might throw up and want to see him and say all this to him, but know it wouldn't do any good right now, so i write instead. and i feed the kids breakfast. and i make plans for my future. and water the garden. and play with jubal. and just keep going. maybe he'll see it someday...and we're connected, we're married, we made a baby together, and i KNOW him...so when he sees it, i'll be here to listen if he wants. and if he never wants to, that's not my problem. but it is sad.

i'm grateful for:
the stock tank
dirt
the phone
people taking the kids for a few hours
that school starts soon

life keeps wanting lived

jubal and me in the pub
Originally uploaded by hedgenettle

dad had the kids today (thanks again, dad!) while i went to town and did my placement tests (reading comprehension 117/120, sentence skills 111/120, math (ahem) 81/120...it's been a while on the math skill use, and those sentence skills? sorry, but they were the worst sentences ever! i missed a few because they were so lame. anyways everything passed well within the range of being "able to benefit" and i'm good to go...

when dad brought the kids back yesterday vesta was quick to point out that it was art walk night.

ugh. i filled with dread at the thought of taking three kids, one of them 2! to art walk. it seemed really hard and annoying and i didn't want to go...but i also really don't want to mess up the kids' routines and constantly disappoint them with how tired and depressed i am, or make them feel worthless because i never want to do anything with them. so i slapped on some eyeshadow and lip gloss (i know, if you know me, you're going "what? lip gloss? make up?" with genuine confusion...yeah, i wear it now, it helps perk me up a little bit, makes me feel sparkly and fresh, and it sort of demarcates which events are elevated in my day....going to school for orientations: make up; sitting on the back porch crying and dribbling popcicles on myself: no make up)...so, i anticipated this being incredibly difficult because of managing jubal, but it totally wasn't. the girls hung with jubal while i fixed him a plate of snacks and bought myself a beer at the pub, then they went off on their own (together) to cruise their favorite parts of art walk while jubal and i listened to the musicians, chatted with the people in the seats near us, ate our snack, and, in my case, drank a beer. then we went and found the girls and went back to the little courtyard thing by the pub, where hazel and i hung with jubal while vesta struck off with some friends for a bit. it wasn't stressful, it was fun.

a couple of girls from blue mountain showed up, and i spoke to the older one about whether she babysits, what her schedule is like, and if she'd be interested in babysitting for me sometimes...she does, she has a very open schedule, and she would be interested in babysitting sometimes. so now i feel a lot of relief around the whole "what do i do with the kids?!" thing, because here is another person i can put in my resource pocket.

i can do this. it won't always be easy and i'm going to need a lot of help...it's not my ideal way of raising a family, but i can do this, and we'll be okay.

i'm grateful for:
friends
opportunities
almay lip gloss
babysitters
hope

http://www.flickr.com/photos/hedgenettle/
for more pictures of art walk and other stuff we're doing.

woke up at 2:30 this morning...

woke up at 2:30 this morning...
Originally uploaded by hedgenettle

the dog was scratching at my door and i was still half dressed, having dozed off putting jubal to sleep. i feel like i can get back to sleep soon for a few more hours, though.

tomorrow i have my placement tests at LCC, which should go fine...other than my math, which is totally rusty, and i expect to place low...which is still fine, frankly i don't want to take a challenging math class right now. the reading and writing i expect to pass with flying colors. and then some. my placement test are called "ability to benefit" tests--which i have to take because i never graduated high school. i'm feeling pretty able to benefit right now.

speaking of which...loki is planning a mortgage relief party for us on june 20th, more details to come. i spent some time thinking about that this evening, because i'm designing the invitations...thinking about fun things like: what size, what format, do i put a picture of me and the kids on it?...and less fun things like: should i ask the printshop for a my-husband-just-ditched-us-single-mom-of-three discount to print them? it seems like a reasonable discount to request, and i'm a regular customer. it's strange how i feel no shame or nervousness at the thought of asking for it, either. i mean, my husband just totally LEFT us and i'm so broke my friend has to throw me a party to raise money. i need a freaking discount!

i had a horrible moment last night where i felt so completely exhausted, i just wanted to call rodney and see if he was completely exhausted yet, too. i didn't do it, of course, because i know he isn't yet...he's not taking care of three kids, a house, a dog, scrambling to make money, and depressed because his best friend and life partner just freaking ditched them all suddenly and randomly. he was probably at his new idiotic girlfriend's house playing video games. it sucks for him that by the time he does get exhausted, and his dumb girlfriend dumps him for being an angry jerk, i will have spent my normal amount of time feeling this way and coping and will be fully recovered...probably with a boyfriend of my own. god i hope that happens.

infinite jest...join us!

infinite jest...join us!
Originally uploaded by hedgenettle

the other night i was checking out colin meloy's twitter page. yeah, what of it? i have a crush on him! anyways, he tweeted (?) about infinite summer www.infinitesummer.org and i was inspired...since i sold almost all of my books to the local bookstore, i have a lot of credit right now, so i went and picked up infinite jest (by david foster wallace) and i'm going to attempt to join the summerlong movement (all the details of the "infinite summer" are at the link above) reading 75 pages a week, all summer long...it's corny, yes, but i love the idea of reading the same book as colin meloy at the same time he's reading it. (by the way, i know you're all going "who IS colin meloy?"...he's the songwriter and singer of the decemberists and my biggest famous crush pretty much ever--well, except for patrick swayze, but i was 12 then!).

it's kind of ironic, because the summer that rodney and i started "dating" he bought two copies of this book called skepticism inc. (i think) by bo fowler and we read it together and talked about it, and it also had a bluey, cloudy cover. so now i get to read a much better bluey, cloudy covered book with my pretend boyfriend, colin (and thousand of other people). bittersweet because of course the first person i wanted to ask to join me was rodney. s'okay, though.

if you're remotely interested, here's all the links i can find:

http://www.infinitesummer.org/
http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=101116901411&ref=nf
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0316066524?ie=UTF8&tag=infsum-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=0316066524
http://www.metafilter.com/81834/Infinite-Summer

also there's a twitter stream for it, but i can't seem to link that, but you can get to it from the first link.

oh, yes, i suppose i should mention something of the plot...well, i'll just say a bit from the back cover blurb....

"infinite jest explores essential questions about what entertainment is and why it has come to dominate our lives; about how our desire for entertainment affects our need to connect with other people; and about what the pleasures we choose say about who we are."

which makes it sound non-fictiony, but it's a novel and supposedly hilarious. that topic is spot-on for me, right now.

join me! let's read it.

i journal now

i journal now
Originally uploaded by hedgenettle

obviously. i'm doing it on this blog. but also i do it on my little pea pod iota tablet that jan gave me for christmas, which is always in my purse. i've always wanted to be a journaler...but got distracted. marriage can really distract you from your essential nature--and kids, especially babies--but i've quickly returned to who i was before, just older and smarter.

anyways, the journaling--on here and elsewhere has been awesome. i find it really helps to settle my mind/body/nerves when panic sets in, and it's a great way to pass the time while waiting for a meeting or whatnot.

it also helps me sort my feelings and perceptions about R. and what the hell he's doing. following his classic pattern, of course. i just didn't see when i was in it, that i, too, was a band-aid...that FAMILY was a band-aid (talk about hurting when you take it off! ha!)...everything that he does is a band-aid and i'm guessing it'll be that way forever, unless he gets some sort of mental shift where he can see what he's doing. fortunately not my responsibility. but realizing that DOES make it easier for me to cope/not take it personally. this is the ultimate test of that take nothing personally suggestion from one of those new age self-helpy spirtuality guys (don miguel ruiz)...and it's actually not that hard, because i KNOW i didn't do anything wrong and don't deserve this. all i did was try with that guy. try and give and give and give. and now i have so much to give back to myself, the person who could've used it all along.

but i digress. the journaling also takes the form of photographically documenting everything--if you look at my flickr page you know i was already getting into that anyways...now that's up a big notch. i'm not sure why i love to document things so much...but i always have. i went through weird phases as a kid photographing things like everyone's shoes. it would have been awesome if we had digital cameras back then! i wonder about the documenting thing, though...like, is that my own sort of band aid? my little spoon of sugar with the medicine? or is it just a great tool for self reflection? we shall see...so far it seems to be healthy enough. i've always been into self portraits, too--again, thank god for digital cameras! i've joined a couple of self portrait groups on flickr, which is neat because they're filled with people like me who find a weird joy in documenting themselves. it's fun to watch the progressions.

i'm looking forward to doing some work with the self portraiture in my transitions classes and my art classes.

i am grateful for:
my camera
my kids
my house
my gardens
my friends

bittersweet

dammit this really is happening
Originally uploaded by hedgenettle

i wanted it to be exciting to go to my orientation. but, of course, i had to drop the kids off at r.'s apartment first. it was so hard. i want to scream and shout at him about how could you be so daft?! another woman?! really?! and such a bland and idiotic one, at that?! there was a lot of time to think, after i dropped them off and before my orientation started...about how completely different this scenario would be, had he not had a girlfriend all lined up. if he had a chance to deal with himself and deal with what he's done...if we had a chance to deal with each other and what we did to our marriage...how we could have taken a break, i could have gone back to school, and we could have really evaluated the situation and made a conscious decision about our lives, our marriage, our family, and what we really wanted...and either decided it was best to stay apart, or decided it was best to come back together with a renewed vigor and commitment. either way would have been a million times better than this. this is just another of r.'s band-aids, the girl just another drug, another distraction.

the orientation went well. i learned that i pretty much knew everything already--which was good, because i thought i'd prepared well, and i have. i turned in my application for the program, and got some handouts with some useful information...i also got yet another wake up call about homework and time management. i have no idea how i'm going to have time for all this fecking homework...and a wake up call about financial aid--another thing i already knew: this is the WORST time to apply for aid, there are no extra grants in summer and there isn't any money in the pot beyond the loans and the pell grant...and as it stands, i don't have enough to survive on.

but i'll just keep going anyways. and i'll figure out how to make up the difference, and how to do the homework, and how to stay calm and patient with the kids.

i don't think i'll figure out how to look r. in the face, though. how can you be MARRIED to someone and not know just how weak they are?

i am grateful for:
cigarettes
my dad
popcicles
the sun
my garden

the sick panic sets in again

the sick panic sets in again
Originally uploaded by hedgenettle

another wave of fear and repulsion...literally making me sick to my stomach. as in, goodbye morning tea and any notion of eating breakfast. if only he'd have wanted to deal with his problems within the safe, loving space of our family, we could have had a perfect life. a simple perfect life. in one of the first couple of days after he left, before i knew he was REALLY leaving, he said he wanted the perfect life with the good dog and the happy kids and the white picket fence...and instead he leaves his best shot at having it for a creepy girl who likes to read romance novels and go shopping. what the hell?! and what about her? a married man, really? a married man with a baby at home longing for his dad?! you really want to be the medicine for a heart that's just walked away from his family? ugh. ugh. ugh.

i never meant for this space to be SUCH a "perzine" as they're called in the zine biz, but i guess it is one, now. i can't think about things like laundry soap and the environmental impact of baking soda right now. and i've happily just discovered that writing helps put the panic back in its box for a while, so there will probably be more like this in the future...

for now, it's time to go get ready...my orientation is today and i am looking forward to it, under my blanket of yuckiness.

in love with life

in love with life
Originally uploaded by hedgenettle

i didn't notice how depressed i was until rodney left. he was so shitty and so angry all the time, i felt completely sad and tired...not even sad...apathetic, which i think is worse. and anytime i did feel excited about something and try to share it with him, he didn't care, wasn't interested, wasn't supportive...i felt so worthless because he never enjoyed me (which i really don't understand! i rock ass!) and never wanted to do what i wanted to do (which would've been pretty much anything if we could do it together and have fun, without him being angry or shitty). i wanted to end the relationship so many times, but clung to the hope that he would get better, it would get better...and of course, was scared to be alone (come to find out, it's pretty awesome)...it's nice to have myself back, to feel confident and fun, to feel completely worthy of whatever i want in my life.

i'm grateful for:
1) myself
2) my house
3) my garden
4) loki!!!
5) my life

beautiful boy

beautiful boy
Originally uploaded by hedgenettle

this perfect child is so worth it.

garden

garden
Originally uploaded by hedgenettle

i didn't want to do it. it seemed pointless and hard. i couldn't remember anything about gardening, like which tomatoes need cages...but i knew in my core it would help me feel better. i said to loki, if i was treating someone else, i'd tell them to garden. so i did it anyways. it felt good to just do it, even if i didn't want to (i imagine there will be more projects like that coming soon!)...it sucked for a long time...and then it didn't suck any more. it felt good. the potatoes felt nourishing, the earth felt restorative, the sun on my skin felt like life. the act of watering felt like giving back. it all just suddenly felt good. and then i wanted some more starts to plant! must get some.

we love each other so much!

we love each other so much!
Originally uploaded by hedgenettle

are you kidding me with this smile?

what feels good

gardening
making dinner for the kids
going to school for my preparatory orientations and meetings, etc.
reading to the kids
laying in bed alone for five minutes
re-connecting with old friends
returning to my original nature
losing weight and how weird it feels to have a smaller body already
realizing stuff that makes it easier for me to get things done (like: hello, it just occurred to me this morning that i know teenagers who can babysit in the evenings sometimes! JUST realized that. ha.)
listening to music
playing and hanging out with the kids
going to bed earlier and getting up earlier
having my clothes be too big, or the ones that were too small fitting again
drinking water from the office bathroom sink using my hands as a cup. really cold water.
knowing that i am capable and can rely on myself
anticipating classes and art homework
taking photos and posting them to flickr (new photos up, by the way, check out the link) http://www.flickr.com/photos/hedgenettle/
brushing jubal's teeth and helping him go potty (he poops in the potty seat now! yup!)
watching jubal learn so many new words and skills (understanding the concept of two; the words cookie, play, "i two", and more)
having the support of so many friends and family
feeling safe and like it's going to be okay
not being disappointed by my and in my husband anymore

ps. i'm trying to figure out how to upload images from my flickr account into my blog, but it seems i have to do them separately as their own entry... sorry to the folks that get an e mail alert for all new posts. i'll keep trying to figure it out.

the words of the day

vapid, stupid, inane, slutty, ridiculous, dumb, thoughtless, tactless, cruel, gormless, insane...

my thoughts in response to my husband's charming new facebook album.

just when i think i have a handle on things...more things (and by things i mean SHIT) gets piled on.

how it's going and what i need

what a strange and wondrous thing life is...

it's two weeks since rodney left. i'm starting to really love that he left. obviously, i wanted the marriage and i wanted the life and the partnership...but it became more and more evident that he didn't want it...so it didnt work and it wasn't what i wanted anyways. so i'm glad it's over. i love the peace in the house, free from his constant anger and irritation; free from my expectations of having a participating husband and father, and the resulting disappointment. there aren't a lot of hard feelings, and there is absolutely no pining or mooning or wishing he was still here (on my part, the kids of course have all of that).

i've gotten my house in amazing order and have managed to maintain the order fairly well. i've stocked up on essential household items like toilet paper and extra keep-the-baby-out-of-the-fridge latches (they tend to break often)...i have my own bank account and am busily working on ways to fill it up with money, have done all of my financial aid and school enrollment legwork, i have my LCC "L" number and have met with the art department adviser--nothing stands in my way of enrolling in the Graphic Design program. The pink sheet of paper the adviser gave me which describes the coursework for the next two years is almost entirely full of art classes (there are a very few gen. ed. type requirements--math and whatnot), which is SO exciting! typography, photography, drawing, web production, graphic design history (!!!), etc. my homework is going to be SO FUN!...

so here's what i still need, and i put this out there so those of you who read my humble blog will know, in case you have ideas or resources or time:

1) childcare that is awesome and good for the kids (and the money to pay for it)
2) a new blender
3) someone who wants a dog, maybe (i know it sucks to have your dad leave and then your mom gets rid of your dog, but i can only handle so much, and i'm willing to consider farming him out somewhere if somebody good wants him)
4) a dishwasher (yes, i repeat! it would REALLY help!)
5) someone who thinks it would be fun to help me paint my living room, matched up with a time when someone else thinks it would be fun to have the kids
6) money (as much as possible from as many different places as possible, i need a buffer zone for when the house or car need repairs, paying for the childcare, etc.)...seriously, if you know and love me and have a bit extra, mail me a check for a hundred bucks, or fifty bucks, or ten bucks...it all helps and it'll go to a good place...and if it's really big, i'll exchange graphic design services for life, so you'll get it back.
7) a support system of people who love the kids and want to step in as extra aunties and uncles...they're kids, they need a lot of attention and energy and i'd love to have help, and even more, i'd love them to be reinforced with the feeling that they are surrounded by people who love them and that they can count on.
8) occasional ready made meals, especially once school starts
9) people willing to listen to me when the panic sets in (i have some of those people, you know who you are, and thanks! i'll probably keep calling in a panic for a while)
10) customers to my etsy site, or on the side. you know you love weird coasters, awesome shopping bags, and good smelling soap. (the site doesn't have much up for sale right now, but that's my focus in the next couple of weeks)
11) fun things to do. if you ask me once and i say no, ask again. i love it when people offer stuff and also when they call to check in. it REALLY helps. (and thanks to those that already do that, it means a lot to me, and is greatly appreciated)
12) your undying love and support, as well as compassion...it's obvious now that i did a stupid thing marrying rodney, who doesn't want what he thought he wanted...but i didn't know he wouldn't want it (i'm guessing he didn't either) and it seemed like a good and wondrous thing to do. it sucks that it didn't work out. i hate the feeling that everyone else thought it was dumb and is now proven right. feel free to reassure me that you didn't foresee it either, and if you did, don't tell me!

i am grateful for:
1) the calm, unpanicky moments
2) the feeling that it will all be okay
3) the suggestions and support from my friends and family
4) the people willing to listen to me ramble on (or panic on) for a really long time. i do realize you have a life and i'm sucking your time, and i'll try to need to do that as little as possible--but, again, it REALLY helps...it helps me feel focused and reassured and centered and connected.
5) my mom coming to hang out for a few days, and her willingness to do it again through summer term to give me the space to figure out how to go to school while single parenting three kids. whew. she did a lot of dishes and yardwork and laundry folding and it was awesome.

i feel good

i know it's just a feeling and probably won't last...but i feel GOOD. like--really, really good. and my house is almost totally clean. clean! as in, clutter free and places i haven't mopped in a year are shiny now. i'm starting to return to my body and my center. i feel like rodney made the right decision. i wish he did it in a way that was more sensitive and less yucky. but maybe he couldn't. i feel excited about my life for the first time in 9 months. seriously. i will get through this and we will be better once we get out the other side. there is peace in the house and it's such a relief. i'm not trying to cling to this feeling, but man i hope it lasts.

non-relationship posts to come soon (if the feeling lasts! if not, more depressing horrible, cathartic posts to come)...

i am grateful for
1) my heart
2) liquids
3) vacuum cleaners
4) resiliency
5) love in all forms

it's painful and i have to write

it is so painful i cannot breathe. it is so uncomfortable i cannot relax with it. it is so insane i cannot fathom it. i am overwhelmed and bewildered and totally exhausted. because it is so unbearable that i cannot sleep.
my children are suffering and i can do nothing to relieve it. their hearts break so many times every day. jubal is so sad and doesn't have the words or the frame of reference to understand what is happening. his father--his father that has been here for him his entire life--is gone. he's just not here.
my husband is acting completely insane. i'm scared for him. i'm scared for me. i think about what this is going to do to the kids, how it will shape their futures, and i am physically and spiritually ill.
i feel like i'm losing my mind. i feel totally out of control. inside, i feel like a crazed animal penned up in a cage just flailing itself against the bars. the injustice and selfishness baffle me. i cannot let go of the idea that he will wake up and come to his senses and this will end. life cannot possibly be this way.

what i want when my husband leaves me

it's five days since he said he wanted a couple days' space.
four days since it was revealed he's interested in another woman.
one day since he made his intentions to divorce clear.

1) $10,000 of no strings, untaxed, completely free money so that i can breathe about the mortgage, the kids' clothes, the gas, the insurance, the dog shots, the, the, the.... (more would be okay, too)
2) someone to take the kids for a while.
3) someone to take me out to dinner without the kids. and to be able to eat once i get there.
4) sleep.
5) a dishwasher.
6) someone to move in with me and be present.
7) the space to weep.
8) a t.v. for my office so i can sew in it when i can't sleep, but can have the t.v. on while i do it, because that comforts me.
9) to paint my living room.
10) peace

what to do when your husband leaves you

1. be in shock
2. feel horrible, sad, angry, hurt, bewildered, confused, scared, desperate, and sick.
3. enjoy the extra space in the bed, but wonder why when you and he bought sheets together a couple of weeks ago he bothered to pick a color, instead of letting you pick both colors, since in a couple of weeks they'd just be your sheets anyways.
4. do the dishes and sweeping and other chores with insane frequency. this insures that a) you never have a giant insurmountable dish or laundry pile to tackle while you are in complete pain and b) that you always have something to do with yourself and c) that you don't totally sink into a dirty, dog hair, dish-piled, linty, puking, unfunctional (yeah, i just coined that word) depression. at least your depression will be clean and free of literal debris.
5. you will find that even with your chore vigilance, there is much too much time in the day. so...clean your house of all that stuff you've been putting off getting rid of. put his stuff into garbage bags or boxes and stack it some where out of the way. i like to do this part in little bursts and stages by just doing a box from here or there (if like me you have a lot of stuff in boxes that you were going to go through someday--the day is here!). this is a good thing to do for a couple of reasons...if you have suddenly become a single mom of three, including a toddler, you are going to have to go to school funded by lots and lots of grants and loans or you are going to have to get a shit-paying, time-sucking job very soon (or both! ugh). when this happens, you will not have time for several years to deal with all that stuff and you will feel it weighing on you and looming above you and it will be hard to feel excited by your new life because your home will be heavy with all the shit you have to do. so do some of it now, while you have all this time that you can't sit or be still for long without crying and getting yourself all screwed up with no decent result. it feels good, is satisfying, is functional, is practical, and you and your home will feel better for it. and, most importantly, it uses up the time.
6. feel overwhelming hope and gratitude for the situation because if he would do this to you, he is a fucked up dick anyways and once all this horrible sadness and pain clears and heals, you will be a better person. your house will be a happier, more peace-filled place, and that will be good for you and your kids. the goodness part comes in the future and right now you have to operate on a cocktail of logic and faith. it makes sense even though you might feel like begging him to stay.
7. beg him to stay. when it doesn't work, reaffirm that you were right about that gratitude and hope. of course you were, you are always right!
8. hug your kids a lot and let them cry. tell them it's okay to feel anything they feel and you are there for them to talk to, hug, cuddle, be angry with, play games, watch movies....whatever they need. also let them know that they can call grampa, gramma, auntie, and friends to talk. let them know that they can ask you anything and everyone who loves them is there for them if they need anything, even if they want to just talk to someone about you, because it's okay if they are angry with you, or feel you did something to cause the situation. feel proud when your eleven year old says she doesn't blame anybody, but just feels so sad.
9. while you are having these conversations with your kids who have just been abandoned by the man they love and who promised to take care of them forever...you might feel a rage and hatred toward him that makes you want to beat his face to a bloody pulp and then stab it. let the feeling happen, and then let go of it because it just takes energy away from you if you hold onto it. the feeling will probably return the next day when you are having the horrible crying pain with your kids again. repeat process of letting the feeling happen, and then letting it go.
10. you will have moments of rage and resentment because you are being left to do the job of two parents all by yourself. you will think about how unfair and shitty it is of him, because your life is set up the way it is because you both agreed for it to be that way. deal with it. don't cling to the rage and resentment. what he's done is unfair and wrong and also stupid--but so what? don't let his idiocy ruin you.
11. remind yourself to love yourself and to take care of yourself. it's fine to be shitty to your body for a few days--you may be inclined to drink a lot of wine, beer, or whiskey and smoke too much. okay. do that for two or three days, and then get back to normal. get on your bike. take the kids to the park. if you can afford it, get a massage. if you can afford it, get a massage every week or month for the rest of your life. if you can't afford it, save your pennies until you can and in the meantime accept all the hugs people will offer you when they find out your husband left. feel them. don't let go too fast. these hugs are like plugging yourself into something that makes you light up, they restore energy.
12. you will probably be unable to sleep properly. if this happens longer than a couple of days go to the doctor's office and tell him your husband just left you and your three kids and you can't sleep and you need something to help you sleep so that you can function and cope. hopefully he is a nice and kind doctor who will probe you for how you're doing and give you tissues and say it's fine to cry. he will give you a short-term prescription for ambien. take them the way you are supposed to and be on the lookout for side effects. do this even if you normally don't take pills--this is what modern medicine is for. this is an acute trauma.
13. if you haven't done it yet, call a therapist of some kind and set up an appointment. guiding people through trauma is their job, they have tools and they know things you don't. it will be easier for you to do all the *stuff* you have to do to set up your new life if you utilize this resource. you will be less likely to slip into a horrible depression that you don't see. it will help you stay on track.
14. vacillate between emotions and feelings and desires. but don't tell them all to your husband. they will change a hundred times a day.
15. try to remember that he is wounded and broken. that a sane and healthy person would not do this. try to have compassion for him and know that he is doing the best he can with what he has. do not try to take care of him, but try to have compassion quietly in your heart. this is for you. resentment and anger that are not allowed to pass through us, but rather encouraged to stay, will poison you. you didn't ask for this or want it, but it's happening and you will be okay some day--some day will come sooner if you acknowledge the angry feelings and let them go.
16. you will have friends reveal themselves to you. people that you know on a casual but regular basis will quickly learn of what's happened. allow them to commiserate with you. talk to them about it. you didn't do anything wrong and have nothing to hide or be ashamed of. they might offer you help, hugs, childcare, tea, etc. you might feel like not taking them up on it because of this or that reason you make up in your head. don't let yourself do that. thank them for revealing themselves to you in this way, and for offering help. call them and let them help you. you are building friendships that will strengthen your new life. you will be able to reciprocate some day. accept everything you can, even if you have to force yourself. you need the help, there is no getting around that. so accept their offers with grace (and yes, you can have grace while you are blubbering and wearing the same shirt for three days and smell like cigarettes and pain). thank god and the universe for the people in your life who support you, and thank the people.
17. just keep going. you will get through it.
18. if you have kids, make sure to facilitate good times for them if they want them. there is no reason for them to wallow in complete misery. doing this will also help you to not wallow. good times are good times. rent movies and plant seeds and take care of your pets and your house together.
19. figure out what you're going to do to pay your mortgage, electricity, gas, phone, internet, dog food, etc bills. yes, it's overwhelming and if you think too long on it, you might start crying. cry. then go back to figuring it out. if at all possible figure out a way to survive that involves doing something that you love. your life is transforming now, you will be creating something different than what you had. this is an opportunity to create something you will love and enjoy. if you have been a homemaker for your entire adult life, go back to school if at all possible--you will be able to meet new people, learn new skills, and be better prepared to take care of a family and all the attached responsibilities than if you just panic and run out and get a job any job. ideally you will be creating a life where you don't just survive, but also thrive.
20. try to eat something.

yippeee! and...darnit

i had an excellent birthday, thank you. it was wonderful from start to finish. and there's more to come: dinner at adam's sustainable table and building a chicken coop with dad. i think i got everything on my list--rodney made that his private, personal goal this year. which made me feel totally special. i haven't cross-referenced my loot with my list yet, but you know i will. and i'll post a mosaic of all my presents, once they all arrive (i mail ordered some goodies with my birthday money from gramma and grampa). it felt like a holiday all day and i got everything i wanted: presents, alone time, sewing done, a clean floor, cheesecake, a yummy (easy to prepare) dinner, the love and devotion of my family. some of the gifts were really thoughtful...vesta sketched a portrait of me and wrote a long paragraph about my wonderful qualities...rodney didn't just get me a glass tea pot, he got me an italian glass teapot named "love". it was just such a good and perfect day.

so it's spring, and it's my own personal new year--both of which i love. and i am driven and motivated to clean and clear out and organize for the new season and the new year and my new projects...but! my damn back is still injured. it's a lot better, two trips to the chiropractor later...but of course, it's not magically restored to its former glory...and won't be for at least another week (and several back exercises!)...so i'm frustrated. i want to just work and work and work as much as humanly possible until it's done, but i can't because my back says "no!" so i'm trying to deal and be patient, and appreciate what i can do, and relax often. but it's hard, cuz i don't want to! for once i have the energy and the drive, and i can't utilize them! grrrrrr. i frequently remind myself that the more i accept it and rest now, the quicker it will heal...but i am NOT good at just doing nothing, when i feel like doing a million somethings. shrug.

i am grateful for:
1. my awesome birthday
2. the rain (at least i can't lament all the garden work i'd be doing)
3. my husband
4. my camera, new best friend
5. my life

ps. i cross-referenced the list and he missed the apple trees...but let's not tell him. shhhh.

time flies away as i panic

it's the endless problem of time. i feel completely elated by all the amazing stuff i want to do (you would not believe the number of awesome bag, notepad, notebook, etc. ideas i have moshing in my brain every night!) and i don't even have time to adequately sweep the floor every day! i fantasize daily about sending my family away for a month. 30 days of time! i would only have to do what i wanted and my house would be clean! i would spend the first three days super-cleaning the house and FINALLY organizing the office for maximum efficiency. i would spend the rest working. cutting, sewing, gluing, assembling, knitting (in the evenings...i'm dying to try knitting play food)...i would dedicate the mornings to a quick clean-up...dishes, sweep, laundry, etc. i imagine this would take and hour or less if it was just me and i didn't have to stop to nurse the baby. or feed the baby. or help the girls with some project. or make lunch for four. etc. i would cook awesome dinners a couple of times a week, the rest would be left-overs and egg/toast/salad type affairs. my brain would blaze with creative energy, blessing me with some kind of adrenaline rush that would prevent me missing my family at all. i would make multiple trips to the print shop and master photoshop and have a work station on every available surface. i would be a bottlecap magnet machine. my fingers would be stained with ink and my floor littered with thread (til that morning clean up!) the supplies i need would always be available, never sold out and especially never on back-order...i'd build a giant, amazingly stylish and effective inventory, which i would photograph perfectly, post diligently and sell like hotcakes!

i would like to say more, but i am out of time. for the record, though, i do want them to come back after 30 days...maybe 30 days on, 30 days off? so rad!...

i'm grateful for:
1) quick, but delicious meals
2) my breath
3) my washing machine
4) my garden fences (which will allow me to utilize my clothesline this summer!)
5) that the kids can babysit jubal while i nap