Saturday, December 15, 2007

i am adoring having a creative outlet lately--with the sewing machine and various other projects-in-progress. i love the way creative energy snowballs--getting huger and wilder the more you use it. it feeds itself and it feeds me--i just need time. the other night i was laying in bed thinking about being a teenager with all that TIME! on my hands. amazing. i would sit at the computer and write for hours upon hours, and i loved it all. that's a funny thing about me, i really love everything i create, without bias--with the exception of cooking, which any man i've been with knows i critique waaaaay too much--i mean, i LOVE it. that doesn't mean it doesn't need editing, but in my heart, it's a perfect little baby--like jubal and the girls.
so. gratitude for art, for process, for love, for eggs, and for vesta--she takes care of jubal in small bits so i can get stuff done.

Friday, December 14, 2007

busybusybusy

the new sewing machine arrived a few days ago, she still needs to be named. i want something that blends the modern with the old fashioned and haven't come up with the right thing yet. i've been spending all spare moments playing with it and sewing all of our old t shirts into shopping bags for practice. and a few other secret, holiday-related things....mum's the word. so i'm busy and don't get to write on my sweet cheeky monkey as much, or in the way, as i want to right now, but i imagine that will change post-holidays. for now, another five:
1. grateful for my sewing machine
2. grateful for the faith in me that is behind the gift of the sewing machine
3. grateful that this woman i know, sue, stopped in her car the other day when she saw jubal and i walking down the street, just to connect with me. we hugged two times and had a nice talk AND she had some good ideas for figuring out how to market the cards. i really like sue and shall have to get together with her again soon.
4. grateful for inspiration of all sorts, directed in various ways (for card ideas, for catchy phrases for bags and t shirts...but also for gift ideas for someone hard to figure out and etc.)
5. grateful for the organ that is my heart and it's constancy. thank you for pumping and resting and pumping without cease. i love you.

Thursday, December 6, 2007

thank you note

i don't feel well. i feel as if my head has been stuffed with the cotton from a freshly opened pill bottle. even so, i am grateful for my life and here are today's five things:
1. that jubal is so extremely healthy
2. that rodney is getting some side work
3. that my family is willing to put up with me and my insufficiencies
4. that i have a washing machine
5. my friend loki, who i so relate to and who is very thoughtful

Sunday, December 2, 2007

vesta's christmas gift

vesta wants to sew and fill stockings to give to kids in need (she actually asked me if there is an orphanage near by!) she's such a thoughtful girl, she wants everyone to have something special. she's orchestrated a plan to make them year-round for next christmas. if she's serious about it i'll have to help her set up an account for it at the bank so she can get things online with a debit card. anyways--it makes my heart swell to see her excitement and pleasure at the thought of helping other kids.
so of course, on her behalf i am requesting donations for stocking stuffers and material...make checks payable to vesta and write stocking stuffers on the memo line. thanks! and happy holidays.

Saturday, December 1, 2007

winter gardening

i spent some time in the gardens yesterday pulling up the plants that finally froze--goodbye tomatoes! goodbye peppers! it felt so good to be around the dirt again. today is for raking up the fallen oak leaves out back and mulching everything. i am so enthusiastic for next year's gardens. i'm going to be systematic-ish this time round--spend this winter studying and planning so that i can have an efficient, beautiful, abundantly productive garden. digging and planting and weeding is so therapeutic, i feel five hundred times better when i garden all the time.

in the new year i am focusing my energies in these places: family, business, gardens, healthy body and gratitude. it feels so good.

when the crappy business with L. happened it threw my life off kilter in every way. i'm ready to fully reclaim it, i refuse him the tiniest measure of influence or control. welcome to the compost heap, L. may you rot and be reborn as a volunteer squash.

christmas bonus!

on a whim i sent my dad a link to a veeeery nice sewing machine i dream of for my bag embellishing and other projects and he ordered it for me!!! i'm so excited i'm practically having a milk let-down (such an ironic phrase). whatever extra money falls into my lap this month is going toward blank bag purchasing and screen-printing ink and supplies. i honestly cannot express the level of excitement i am feeling that the start of my business looms so close. it's this reverberating phrase/feeling "i'm gonna do it! i'm gonna do it! i can actually DO IT!!!"

jubal is crawling around the office with a yellow marker clutched in his hand, talking and squealing. i feel like crying for joy at the thought of being here for him for his fragile and fleeting youth. when i was pregnant rodney asked how long i would want to stay home and i said at least two years, but i really want to be here until he is ready to start at blue mountain. if i have to go back to work before then it would be a major compromise, one that i will do anything i can to avoid.

i've had ideas and projects in the past that didn't work out, either circumstances just didn't line up like they needed to or i didn't stick with them long enough and work hard enough (both). this feels totally different. i feel so honored and grateful to have this opportunity that i have created for myself and that others have supported me in. i feel excited at the thought of working hard, carving out time, failing and learning from it. i can SEE it. i can see cubby holes filled with cards i designed and crates of shopping bags i painted and printed and sewed on. i have not been this confident about myself and my abilities and passions since i was fifteen! it is so beautiful and--how many times can i use this word?--exciting!

thank you to dad and beckie for believing in me and helping, thanks to rodney for trusting me and being willing to dedicate some of our minimal funds to this project. thanks to the whole exciting, amazing world.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

green light!

if feel in such a hurry to get started. i just want to start! i don't want to wait a year to get funding. i'm going to start however i can as soon as i can and still apply for the grant, but it will just be used to boost my supplies, perhaps fund a trip to a trade show if i can use it that way. i was able to carve my tomato block (for block printing) over the weekend and it felt so good. the lemon is next. what i really need is a sewing machine that works!!! so i can start doing my bags. as soon as i can i'm going to order a bunch of them and just start. i feel really passionate about them because using sustainable shopping bags is such a simple thing to do and so many millions of disposable bags are used every single day. i love to take things that are mundane and utilitarian and make them gorgeous or fun or sacred--or all of those things. i love reminding people of the awesome nature of life's simplest tasks. also, the thing with reusable bags is people always forget to take them, so let's try having bags that really stand out, that you want to show off, even.
i'm so ready!

Thursday, November 22, 2007

gratitude

happy thanksgiving! this has always been one of my most favored holidays, as it so beautifully combines two of my favorite things--food and family. this year we have been invited to spend the day with beckie's family and i am so looking forward to it. dad and beckie were married this spring at the gorgeous sweet cheeks winery. beckie's family have been so generous and kind towards us, embracing us into the folds of their well-bonded clan. i love families and how they just keep getting bigger and more dynamic, how they are something you are blessedly born into and also can create using elements of the larger world.

in honor of thanksgiving (which by now was yesterday, but my routine and writing time is compromised by holidays and rodney's time off work)...i want to take some time to honor gratitude. i think it is such a healing emotion and action. i like to take some time out of my wonderfully hectic life, preferably--but rarely--every day, to pay attention to that which i am grateful. so it's a goal of mine to stop and feel my gratitude EVERY day from now on.

i am grateful for my husband because he puts up with me and he challenges me (and i mean that in every single way that it may sound!). i married him forever, and sometimes that feels really long and hard. but he is worth it and i celebrate him. he is talented, funny as hell, silly, blunt, sexy and surprising. very specifically, today i told him that i would like a piece of wood "this" big for a little shelf in the bathroom right here, and he cut the wood and put the shelf up and did it beautifully and now i have a little place to show off my newly crafted soaps. thank you, hubface.

i am grateful for beckie and her whole lovely family--the thanksgiving dinner was gorgeous and i loved every second of it. they are some of the most gracious people that i have ever met and i am truly blessed to be included in their rituals and their super-fun family. beth always sends jars and jars of fruits and jams and tomatoes! for us and it is such a good feeling to be thought of, and such a wonderful treat to have home-canned treats in our kitchen. thanks beckie, amy, kevin, beth, bill and everyone.

we all know i am grateful for my dad. but today specifically...i asked my dad for ideas on how to fund raise the five grand i want for my card/grocery bag business and he said "let me think about it" (sometimes he thinks on stuff for a loooooong time, so i anticipated being patient) but he got back to me soon with a website to look at, even directing me to go "here" then "there" then to "this place" and it led me to some very helpful information, that ACTUALLY MIGHT GET ME THE MONEY I NEED!!!! so, thanks dad! wow.

i am grateful for bedtime. i love the girls, but i am so glad at the end of the day to kiss and hug them off to dreamland and get some quiet time. thank you bedtime.

i am grateful for dark beer. it is the perfect thing on a wintry eve. rich and thick with a nice foamy head. a magical combination of barley and burnedness and hops and sugar. thank you fermentation!

i listed five things because i remember oprah mentioning the gratitude journal many years ago and it seems like she suggested to list five things every day. feels like a good number to me. thanks oprah!--haha



Tuesday, November 20, 2007

pushing my sleeves up

my head has been reeling with imagery the last week or so. i've been fantasizing about a new sewing machine--i have this super old singer with a tension mechanism i do not understand. i can see myself with a big box of fresh, wonderful canvas bags, sewing on pockets or pictures or whatever. or at the art table hand painting designs and phrases. maybe even building some screenprinting frames. drool drool.

after we're done making soap, soap, and more soap, i look forward to doing some blockprinting. i need to see if i can make the cards they way i want and just scan them to get an image to take to the printshop. and i need to get price quotes for the offset printing press, when i first went into the printshop we discussed using the laser printer--the price of which is very reasonable, but i'm not sure i can get the quality i want...nor would it be a celebration of printing artistry.

my office/"art room" is such a mess and totally full of stuff. i'm hoping to make a project of it while the kids are home for winter break--jubal loves hanging out with them and they, especially vesta, are so good with him. it actually seems doable when i think about two weeks of daytime help available. i'm certainly motivated--i need this to be a space i can easily and freely work in. right now, it's a space in which there is too much to work around. maybe i can find some items to sell to make some business money--perhaps that clunky sewing machine. i'm excited to have a work space that really works and makes it easier to start new projects--having jubal around i need to be able to quickly get to the meat of a project and have it be set up in a way that if i have to stop suddenly, nothing will be ruined--so if it needs to be washed or put in water or closed up tight, it's easy to do that.

on another note entirely, how about that bachelor last night! awesome! i love to hate that show and was actually impressed by brad womack.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

i'm soooo tired

jubal kept waking up and crying last night. all night. he doesn't do this. he has never done this before. his body is fine--no sore tummy, no indication of an ear infection or anything else that might cause a person to scream incessantly. so that leaves the teeth.

you'd never guess it from looking at him this morning, all smiles and clicks and his usual joke-playing shenanigans.

every time i would get him to sleep (by rocking or patting or jostling and also singing or humming or whispering) and then fall asleep myself he would stir and start wailing again. are you kidding me?! i was up all night singing and patting and begging the gods for sleep.

we are having a second tea party for hazel today, a couple of our dearhearts couldn't come to the main birthday party...the thought of cleaning up the house and setting everything up and baking scones feels a bit overwhelming right now, but i'm sure it will be fine if someone entertains the baby for me.

thanks to dad and kevin for their comments--i will likely take kevin up on the loan of software so i can really TRY something. i attempted to download the free trial of an adobe design package--like 40 hours to download! never mind.

while i was comforting jubal last night graphic designs were flying through my head...i was enjoying a juxtaposition of black lacy block print on white and my usual fruits and veggies in repeating patterns. as well as some random, sleep deprived images.

here's to sleep! and to friends and family...kevin was right about my dad, he did always listen--and he still does. i'll have to do a post about parenting one of these days.

Saturday, November 17, 2007

dad

my dad was kind enough to read my blog with an open heart and mind and left a comment on my stormy day post. i cannot describe in words how much i love my dad. he is kind, compassionate, thoughtful, hideously funny, supremely well-informed and just beautiful. he raised me all by himself and made a ton of sacrifices to do it. everyone who knows me knows how much i adore my dad and by extension they all love him, rightly so. he is a very calm and quiet person--two words that distinctly DO NOT describe me as a child/teenager. i was, quite mildly, a challenge--a very difficult child. my dad made approximately two mistakes as a parent and is in no way a failure. if it weren't for him i would be a horrible person and i'm eternally grateful for his existence. it's the truth. there is no one on earth more supportive than my dad and one of the goals of my life is to always be there for him with anything he needs, forever. i love, you, dad!

flow day

jubal is sitting on my lap facing me and playing with the pullstrings on my sweatshirt, periodically stopping to stare adoringly into my face (and also to grab my mouse or keyboard). the girls were away last night for the sleepover birthday party and hubby has left for the gym, and to pick them up on the way home...our day of flowing with everything yesterday was interesting because everything i tried to do went awry--literally taking hours when i expected minutes and then not even being right anyways...but i maintained my attitude of flow, so that i at least didn't feel totally angry and overwhelmed. i was exhausted by the time rodney got home from being the only person to fulfill jubal's needs all day. rodney and the girls really help break things up.

i got a letter from my half sister yesterday, in response to my sending out some letters and e mails to various rellies of hers a few months ago. we lost touch when i left virginia and she left georgia and i didn't know if i'd be able to find her again, or if she'd want me to. we were separated as children and haven't ever had the chance to properly bond. she was receptive to my contact and lives just a town over, so that was surprising. i don't know where, if anywhere this will lead.

i also got a call from the girls' father from jail. i left him when he became an angry alcoholic with no perspective on priorities (like family, bill paying, kindness)...when i met rodney, L. (the "ex") became crazy-mad and was making death threats to rodney and did a bunch of violent, freaky stuff...he was eventually arrested (but quickly released) and has been slowly and madly seeking small revenges ever since, while dodging his probation and the ensuing warrant. for three years. finally they caught up with him (in his version he turned himself in), so he was calling to say he won't be available for his visits with the girls for a while. they'll probably matrix him out in a few days though. somehow i have to explain this to the girls. ugh. he still accuses me of being at the root of all his problems with the law, so i don't expect any improvement. it was bad enough to lose my best friend and mate to alcohol and anger and whatever mental disorder it is that he has, but to have fear of his violent threats and fear of how he could damage the girls' hearts, souls and worldview--there aren't words to describe how horrible that is. if i could be granted one wish, it would be an end to this mad saga--an end that leaves my family intact and him either miraculously healed and filled with responsibility for his actions--or just totally, forever gone.
it was a very long and interesting day and i flowed with it.

Friday, November 16, 2007

being in love

i am so in love with my life. i am in love with jubal who is perfect and innocent and hilarious. i am in love with vesta who can be so grateful and thoughtful and creative. i am in love with hazel who is so in-the-moment and sweet and silly. they are all so beautiful. i am in love with my husband who tries very hard to grow and stretch and who is so handsome and witty and generous. i am in love with my whole family who are all so kind and tolerant and honest. i am in love with my dad who is the best person i know and taught me all of my best traits.

today i am planning to do nothing. just live my normal life with no expectations of what i will or what i want to achieve. i'm going to relax and flow with whatever happens...the kids are going home with a friend after school, rodney is going out for beers and ping pong after work, so it is just jubal and me all day and well into the evening. whatever happens we're gonna roll with it and i'm feeling good.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

update

shockingly i didn't do any of the things i wanted to get done today and it's almost time to go to the gym, then i gotta shower, nurse the baby, make dinner, read to the kids and put them to bed. *expletive*!!!

jubal is quasi-nursing right now, stopping to sing and grab at the manilla envelope that is my mouse pad every few minutes. i HAVE to assemble some kind of coloring book with vesta because the birthday party is tomorrow night, a sleepover that starts right after school, so it's tonight or never. i'd like to skip the gym to work on it with her, but rodney is going out with a friend after work tomorrow so i can't make it up if i skip. and i can't afford to skip. i get irritable and tired when i don't go.

so i'm off to try and finish that coloring book!

energy day

i do not feel particularly energetic today, but there is a lot i want to accomplish, so i plan to fake it til i make it. i want to sketch some line drawings for a coloring book vesta and i will be making as a birthday gift for a friend's upcoming party. there are two batches of soap i want to make--basil and one i coined "grease monkey" which has a lot of scrubby stuff in it (cornmeal, ground herbs, etc.). i want to mop the floors, always fun to attempt with a baby in tow! and i want to do some work on my card business--designing, research, block-printing....
jubal is in good spirits today with both of his teeth having broken the skin a couple days back, so it's likely he'll grace me with enough floor-time to get at least two of those things done!

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

frustrado

i have been trying to design some bookplates and notecards using my computer and find i have inadequate tools!! i perused the net seeking ideas for what kind of design software i'd like to have and fell in love with all the adobe packages, but the basic one was like 1200 bucks. this is not in my budget by any stretch of the imagination.
i've always been broke and i've always been acutely aware of a simple but profound difference between people who have money and people who do not. when people who have money get a wild hair up their bums to try something, they can just go do it. when people who do not have money get the same wild hair, they have to struggle and save and find something to sacrifice so they can slowly raise enough money just to try their idea. if a small thing goes wrong to throw a wrench in the process, people with money deflect the wrench with their wallet. people without it have their projects stalled long enough for the wrench to have babies and make some boomerang friends.
i'm not trying to whine--i don't have money as a result of my choices, i accept that...but it still isn't fair. the playing field was never level, was it? the people i know with money came from moms and dads with money and grammas and grampas with money.
anyways.
i'm going to launch my business and rodney's going to publish his book (and then another and another) until we've leveled the field for our kids, so when they get a wild hair i can help them shape it.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

money

this is just a quick post because jubal is happily crawling about the office naked and i'm sure that will only last a few minutes....

this is my announcement to the universe: i am open and ready to receive the funds i need to achieve my dreams. specifically, i am open and ready to receive at least five thousand dollars which will be soley dedicated to launching my very small home-based business of selling designed-by-me notecards--which will be offset printed with quality and care by a local, ecologically responsible company--and hand painted (and otherwise personally embellished) sturdily constructed canvas grocery bags.

i am dedicated to creating a means of supporting myself and my family from home so that i can be available for the kids, the garden, my husband, our pets, and everything else homefront oriented. staying home is the right thing to do for us, so i'm ready to work hard from home, doing something i love so that i can help support the family and express my passions in a healthy, beneficial way.

thank you.

Monday, November 12, 2007

stormy morning

it's rainy and windy out--such a crappy contrast to yesterday's warm, sunny, crisply fall beauty. the baby is perched on my lap because he is unusually fussy due to the impending eruption of his first two teeth through his tender gums. all morning i dreamed of college and how i didn't go because my dad couldn't help me pay for it and i was overwhelmed trying to figure out how to get funding and decide where to go and what to do. my dad was burned out on being a single parent, i think, and didn't help or guide me. instead of going to college i dropped out of high school after moving into my own apartment with my boyfriend. i got a job at burger king. eventually i had vesta, followed two and a half years later by hazel. this was the great mistake of my dad's parenting life, in my opinion (not that he didn't pay for college--he couldn't, but that he moved me into an apartment and let me drop out). not that i would change it now, how could i with vesta and hazel to show for it. but in another universe, in another dimension....maybe my dad musters up some more energy and pushes me to finish high school and go to college. maybe he sits at the table with me looking over college pamphlets and we bang it out. i forgive him for not doing that, even though i can't imagine--really--why he didn't. i say: he was tired, he was a single parent, he was busy, etc etc etc. but even so, i can't REALLY understand it. i was his child and he let me go before he should have because that was easiest for him...and parenting is most definately not about what is easiest for the parent. he was getting married and she and i didn't get along...it makes me sad to think about it.
now he's married to a different woman and her daughter is starting college this fall, that's why i'm thinking about it. i'm jealous in a totally not personal or mean way. she deserves to go to college and i'm stoked for her that her mom has saved and prepared for it. i am just sad for my own tired and second-rate youth.
well. i've drunk my tea and been morose for a few minutes and now it's time to go hang with the girls. they have the day off school today for vetran's day and we're going to rent Ratatouille and make soap and enjoy each other's company.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

soap and paper

we've been making tons of soap lately for christmas gifts, the melt and pour variety. rodney is just learning how and is very posessive of his soapmaking time. today he made some with peppermint leaves and essential oil added, poured over small bits of lavender smelling soap from a previous batch that was dyed blue. i'm planning a lemon-lime kind with stripes. it's fun to make and the cleanup is easy, plus if the baby goes ballistic (which rarely happens, but is always possible nonetheless) i can just stop and get back to it later. earlier this year i contemplated going into the soap business and trying to market to retail stores, but it was too daunting a task, what with all the federal guidelines to follow. i am the dream small business kid. it is my goal to figure out some kind of business i can do myself from home. i never want to go back to work, it sucks so much compared to being with the kids all day.
my latest fantasy business is designing notecards. i love all things made of paper and i love art. i have no idea how to go about starting a business, but i'll figure it out. in the meantime i need some funds, so am busy plotting ways to raise those. when i lay in bed at night, notecards dance across my eyelids and graphic designs sing to me. rodney doesn't know this yet, but i'm planning on using some tax return funds to buy some design software. i'm drooling just thinking about it.

sunday

i can hear rodney setting up a fire in the living room and i'm grateful because it's chilly in here. jubal is nursing in preparation for an afternoon nap which i am hoping to share with him. today the three of us took a long walk, first around the neighborhood, then through north regional park, which circles the sewage treatment plant and winds around the golf course. the girls are with friends and should be back soon. it's been nice to have a break from them, but i quite miss them when they are gone at unusual times, feeling that something is missing.
the path through the park was blanketed with yellow and orange leaves and oak galls, we saw a dead possum and half of a rodent, shrew or mouse. the possum's teeth were sharp and vicious-looking and i think the girls would have liked to have seen it. there was a young boy (10 or 12?) learning how to golf and he hit a ball about ten feet in front of us into some blackberry briars, after which rodney walked in front of the stroller to protect jubal from crazy golf balls while i encouraged him to walk more briskly to get around the novice faster, but he was interested in watching him practice, as he enjoys a game of golf now and then. also i think he just enjoyed seeing a father-son couple doing something as bizarrely mundane as teaching/learning to golf.
rodney spent a lot of time venting about the publishing industry as he has completed a novel and wants to find an agent, which is challenging. we fantasized about how our life will be different when we're published and rich and talked about our fantasy property and the lives we would lead on it. when we have talks like that i can see the land--our rolling hills, the pastures and woodlot, my vastly huge garden, a house big enough to accommodate all of our projects and neverending stacks of seasoned firewood.