it's painful and i have to write

it is so painful i cannot breathe. it is so uncomfortable i cannot relax with it. it is so insane i cannot fathom it. i am overwhelmed and bewildered and totally exhausted. because it is so unbearable that i cannot sleep.
my children are suffering and i can do nothing to relieve it. their hearts break so many times every day. jubal is so sad and doesn't have the words or the frame of reference to understand what is happening. his father--his father that has been here for him his entire life--is gone. he's just not here.
my husband is acting completely insane. i'm scared for him. i'm scared for me. i think about what this is going to do to the kids, how it will shape their futures, and i am physically and spiritually ill.
i feel like i'm losing my mind. i feel totally out of control. inside, i feel like a crazed animal penned up in a cage just flailing itself against the bars. the injustice and selfishness baffle me. i cannot let go of the idea that he will wake up and come to his senses and this will end. life cannot possibly be this way.