what it's hard not to fixate on

r. is messed up. he's been messed up this whole time. he was messed up long before i met him. he will likely be messed up long after i move on with my life.

it's so clear to me now, just how much of our problems were directly caused by his being messed up. his energy made the whole house heavy, and it kept him from being a good father and a good husband. it wasn't anything i did and it wasn't anything the kids did. he's just messed up.

he's always had new life-itis...if this or that happens, then this problem will be resolved. of course i never realized that he would take it to this extreme. he really WANTED a family. he said i was a good wife. i was. i assumed that under the canopy of a loving family, next to his supportive wife, he'd be able to deal with whatever messed him up. it really seemed that way. but he just got more and more messed up. he seemed only mildly, and understandably, messed up initially--and given his upbringing, it made sense. he just deteriorated. i don't think he realized that just starting his new life (with us, i mean) wouldn't be enough...that to really be better, he would have to look at and address whatever it was that messed him up. once he realized it wasn't enough, rather than saying okay, i gotta deal with this, he got scared and refused to look at it...and got more messed up. then he became unbearable and i was on the verge of telling him to leave, i'd had enough...which he probably sensed anyways...so he started setting up the pins for his new life...the unchallenging girlfriend who will listen all supportively to his feelings about his messed up marriage (omitting the blatant fact that his marriage was just a mirror for his messed up self...and this is why the girlfriend has to be unchallenging, a smart woman wouldn't let that slide). and then he left. and then he cut off all non-business related contact between us, so i couldn't say things like this to him (i'm not the unchallenging girlfriend type), and got into his new girlfriend and his new life and keeps anything that might challenge what he's doing far, far away.

yeah. it's hard not to fixate on this. because i am 100 percent convinced of it. so it's frustrating. he could just choose to face whatever messed him up. he could just deal with it. he'd have a loving, supportive wife and best friend to help him through. but he refuses. and it's really sad, because, he doesn't see that he's running away from himself...and he can never escape himself...and he's just going to keep ping-ponging off the girls and the friends in his life, cutting all ties, removing all challenges...until he deals with his problems or dies.

so i get all tight in the chest and feel like i might throw up and want to see him and say all this to him, but know it wouldn't do any good right now, so i write instead. and i feed the kids breakfast. and i make plans for my future. and water the garden. and play with jubal. and just keep going. maybe he'll see it someday...and we're connected, we're married, we made a baby together, and i KNOW him...so when he sees it, i'll be here to listen if he wants. and if he never wants to, that's not my problem. but it is sad.

i'm grateful for:
the stock tank
dirt
the phone
people taking the kids for a few hours
that school starts soon