Wednesday, May 13, 2009

what to do when your husband leaves you

1. be in shock
2. feel horrible, sad, angry, hurt, bewildered, confused, scared, desperate, and sick.
3. enjoy the extra space in the bed, but wonder why when you and he bought sheets together a couple of weeks ago he bothered to pick a color, instead of letting you pick both colors, since in a couple of weeks they'd just be your sheets anyways.
4. do the dishes and sweeping and other chores with insane frequency. this insures that a) you never have a giant insurmountable dish or laundry pile to tackle while you are in complete pain and b) that you always have something to do with yourself and c) that you don't totally sink into a dirty, dog hair, dish-piled, linty, puking, unfunctional (yeah, i just coined that word) depression. at least your depression will be clean and free of literal debris.
5. you will find that even with your chore vigilance, there is much too much time in the day. so...clean your house of all that stuff you've been putting off getting rid of. put his stuff into garbage bags or boxes and stack it some where out of the way. i like to do this part in little bursts and stages by just doing a box from here or there (if like me you have a lot of stuff in boxes that you were going to go through someday--the day is here!). this is a good thing to do for a couple of reasons...if you have suddenly become a single mom of three, including a toddler, you are going to have to go to school funded by lots and lots of grants and loans or you are going to have to get a shit-paying, time-sucking job very soon (or both! ugh). when this happens, you will not have time for several years to deal with all that stuff and you will feel it weighing on you and looming above you and it will be hard to feel excited by your new life because your home will be heavy with all the shit you have to do. so do some of it now, while you have all this time that you can't sit or be still for long without crying and getting yourself all screwed up with no decent result. it feels good, is satisfying, is functional, is practical, and you and your home will feel better for it. and, most importantly, it uses up the time.
6. feel overwhelming hope and gratitude for the situation because if he would do this to you, he is a fucked up dick anyways and once all this horrible sadness and pain clears and heals, you will be a better person. your house will be a happier, more peace-filled place, and that will be good for you and your kids. the goodness part comes in the future and right now you have to operate on a cocktail of logic and faith. it makes sense even though you might feel like begging him to stay.
7. beg him to stay. when it doesn't work, reaffirm that you were right about that gratitude and hope. of course you were, you are always right!
8. hug your kids a lot and let them cry. tell them it's okay to feel anything they feel and you are there for them to talk to, hug, cuddle, be angry with, play games, watch movies....whatever they need. also let them know that they can call grampa, gramma, auntie, and friends to talk. let them know that they can ask you anything and everyone who loves them is there for them if they need anything, even if they want to just talk to someone about you, because it's okay if they are angry with you, or feel you did something to cause the situation. feel proud when your eleven year old says she doesn't blame anybody, but just feels so sad.
9. while you are having these conversations with your kids who have just been abandoned by the man they love and who promised to take care of them forever...you might feel a rage and hatred toward him that makes you want to beat his face to a bloody pulp and then stab it. let the feeling happen, and then let go of it because it just takes energy away from you if you hold onto it. the feeling will probably return the next day when you are having the horrible crying pain with your kids again. repeat process of letting the feeling happen, and then letting it go.
10. you will have moments of rage and resentment because you are being left to do the job of two parents all by yourself. you will think about how unfair and shitty it is of him, because your life is set up the way it is because you both agreed for it to be that way. deal with it. don't cling to the rage and resentment. what he's done is unfair and wrong and also stupid--but so what? don't let his idiocy ruin you.
11. remind yourself to love yourself and to take care of yourself. it's fine to be shitty to your body for a few days--you may be inclined to drink a lot of wine, beer, or whiskey and smoke too much. okay. do that for two or three days, and then get back to normal. get on your bike. take the kids to the park. if you can afford it, get a massage. if you can afford it, get a massage every week or month for the rest of your life. if you can't afford it, save your pennies until you can and in the meantime accept all the hugs people will offer you when they find out your husband left. feel them. don't let go too fast. these hugs are like plugging yourself into something that makes you light up, they restore energy.
12. you will probably be unable to sleep properly. if this happens longer than a couple of days go to the doctor's office and tell him your husband just left you and your three kids and you can't sleep and you need something to help you sleep so that you can function and cope. hopefully he is a nice and kind doctor who will probe you for how you're doing and give you tissues and say it's fine to cry. he will give you a short-term prescription for ambien. take them the way you are supposed to and be on the lookout for side effects. do this even if you normally don't take pills--this is what modern medicine is for. this is an acute trauma.
13. if you haven't done it yet, call a therapist of some kind and set up an appointment. guiding people through trauma is their job, they have tools and they know things you don't. it will be easier for you to do all the *stuff* you have to do to set up your new life if you utilize this resource. you will be less likely to slip into a horrible depression that you don't see. it will help you stay on track.
14. vacillate between emotions and feelings and desires. but don't tell them all to your husband. they will change a hundred times a day.
15. try to remember that he is wounded and broken. that a sane and healthy person would not do this. try to have compassion for him and know that he is doing the best he can with what he has. do not try to take care of him, but try to have compassion quietly in your heart. this is for you. resentment and anger that are not allowed to pass through us, but rather encouraged to stay, will poison you. you didn't ask for this or want it, but it's happening and you will be okay some day--some day will come sooner if you acknowledge the angry feelings and let them go.
16. you will have friends reveal themselves to you. people that you know on a casual but regular basis will quickly learn of what's happened. allow them to commiserate with you. talk to them about it. you didn't do anything wrong and have nothing to hide or be ashamed of. they might offer you help, hugs, childcare, tea, etc. you might feel like not taking them up on it because of this or that reason you make up in your head. don't let yourself do that. thank them for revealing themselves to you in this way, and for offering help. call them and let them help you. you are building friendships that will strengthen your new life. you will be able to reciprocate some day. accept everything you can, even if you have to force yourself. you need the help, there is no getting around that. so accept their offers with grace (and yes, you can have grace while you are blubbering and wearing the same shirt for three days and smell like cigarettes and pain). thank god and the universe for the people in your life who support you, and thank the people.
17. just keep going. you will get through it.
18. if you have kids, make sure to facilitate good times for them if they want them. there is no reason for them to wallow in complete misery. doing this will also help you to not wallow. good times are good times. rent movies and plant seeds and take care of your pets and your house together.
19. figure out what you're going to do to pay your mortgage, electricity, gas, phone, internet, dog food, etc bills. yes, it's overwhelming and if you think too long on it, you might start crying. cry. then go back to figuring it out. if at all possible figure out a way to survive that involves doing something that you love. your life is transforming now, you will be creating something different than what you had. this is an opportunity to create something you will love and enjoy. if you have been a homemaker for your entire adult life, go back to school if at all possible--you will be able to meet new people, learn new skills, and be better prepared to take care of a family and all the attached responsibilities than if you just panic and run out and get a job any job. ideally you will be creating a life where you don't just survive, but also thrive.
20. try to eat something.

896 comments:

1 – 200 of 896   Newer›   Newest»
Anonymous said...

Thank you Megan. Already I have a new friend.

Just'N Angel said...

I know you don't know me, but this happened to me tonight. I needed this so badly. Thanks.

Anonymous said...

Its nice to hear all the encouragement on times like this.

Anonymous said...

How did you know my story? Right down to 3 kids including a toddler. *sigh*

OneStepAtATime said...

Thank you with all of my heart for this. My husband left me this morning, with very little explanation. I am absolute blubbering wreck, and can see a very long road ahead. Thanks for making it just a little bit softer for me feet.

Anonymous said...

Thank you, Megan. This just happened to me, as well. I needed your comments especially the part about him not being sane. No sane man would just leave his wife (and kids). Ugh..I am looking forward to being past the painful part.

megan said...

i'm glad that my piece was able to help some folks, to bring some comfort, to provide some sort of anchor for the moorless times...it WILL get better, you WILL find understanding, peace, joy, rest, love, and a return to balance.

Lisa said...

this is also happening to me. Sometimes the minutes seems like hours. I am in total shock. Your post mad me laugh and cry. I especially like the part about the sheets. BASTARD! :-)

Kristina said...

thank you so much...I am doing most of the crying part right now but I can now see the light at the end of the tunnel after reading your entry. I've spent years working for my spouse, starting his business...all personal bills in my name and he left with the bank account. Ugh. :cry: ugh. thank you again megan, I will begin to move on and up.

Sharolyn said...

Thank you for writing this. I am crying my eyes out as I read this because it happened to me two weeks ago. Same day I got laid off from my job. Talk about a bad day. and my best friend betrayed me. Triple wammy. Its nice to hear that we are not alone and there is hope.

Colleen said...

Thank you Megan. I read your page every day for inspiration. My husband of 23 years has just left. My 2 boys, 13 & 17 are so sad, I still cant believe how he could have done this. I have filled my home with flowers and love, and have bought new linen!
I am surrounded by friends, both new and old who care. One thing I have learnt is how women care for each other with compassion and loyalty, and to accept their love with grace.
You dont have to make your bed if you dont feel like it, you have extra cupboard space, the bathroom is all yours! Make your bedroom girlie - it does wonders for the soul! And have makeover - I went from blonde to brunette and everytime I look in the mirror I get a surprise - I love the new me.
Oh, by the way, I love the bit on cigs and whisky!
To all the women out there - you can stumble and fall on the rock which has been placed in your lives or you can use this rock as a stepping stone and move forward. GO IN LOVE!

Anonymous said...

What inspirational advice, my husband left me and my 2 beautiful children (4& 6yrs)last week, together 12 years, it hurts like hell and i am going through every emotion under the sun,thanks again.

Colleen said...

Dear Anonymous
I know your pain. Right now you are in disbelief that he could have done this to you and your beautiful children. You have to believe that this is not your fault but these are his issues. I joined a church womens group, I go once a week and I get such strength and love.
The best thing I have done is the day he moved out, my brother moved in, so my home is filled with laughter and a man in the house.
As a mother your main concern is your children, love them and cherish them as only a mother can - get books from the library on how to deal with seperation and your children, they offer sound advise.
And have a makeover - change your hair, change your style of clothes - YOU WILL FEEL BEAUTIFUL AGAIN! GO IN LOVE.

Anonymous said...

My husband of 31 years left me for his mistress ... he is unemployed and I will be paying support and he gets 1/2 my pension. I look in the mirror and the person looking back ... although broken has integrity ... Thanks to all who shares ... comfort knowing I'm not alone. I WILL SURVIVE!!!!!!!!

megan said...

hola, anonymous...i'm glad you found some comfort in my post...i'm completely disgusted by what you said regarding support and your pension--is your divorce final yet? i'd highly recommend getting a better lawyer! there is no way you should have to pay any of that--HE chose to destroy your marriage, and the consequence of that choice should be losing all the perks of you and the life you shared. good luck.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for your reply. I am the woman who was married 31 years. I have a really good lawyer ... we have just separated as of last week. I probably live in a different country than you so the Family Law Acts are different. Because he is applying for welfare he is forced to go after support. Remember in the eyes of the law it's not about "who done it". It is cold and callous. When I retire I will be forced to pay 1/2 of my work pension. I've worked 22 years. It's not fair ... it sucks ... big time ... he abused me ... maybe not beat me but none the less abused me. I am tapping in to support systems in my community for women. My kids are my lifeline ... they are wonderful deep caring compassionate kids. I am truly grateful to have them in my life. I have had a 245 lb weight lifted from my neck. At least now I will know if the bills are paid. Can I keep writing you? It helps.

megan said...

hello...of course you can keep writing me if it helps, and i'm glad that it does. sorry about the money, though maybe it's a small price to pay to be out of that situation, eh? i'm glad you have your kids, and i hope you have a good support network of friends as well. take care of yourself.

Colleen said...

Dear Anonymous
It sound like you are better off without him. I am sure you are hurting though. I posted a comment earlier and although I am trying to walk through this step by step, I am confused as he keeps popping in, calls me love and phones twice a day. He walked out on us because wans't "in love" with me anymore and needed to be alone after 23 years together. My children are confused. I feel nothing for him except betrayal and disbelief at what such a "stable" husband has done. I gave myself a makeover for ME and feel good. Each day I try to hold my head up high. We are seeing the phsychologist today. GO IN LOVE!

Anonymous said...

Ok I'm trying this again. It's 31 here. ACHHHHHHHH frustrated .... I'm puter challenged here .... but learning. Yesterday was a bad day and today is just annoying .... breathe ... breathe .... OK ... what to be grateful for .... my faith .... my loving friends .... my animals ... my kids of course .... ok ok I'll say it me. lol You know who e mailed me wants money ... has no food . Go the the food bank bub. Next e mail .... you're not cooperating .... your forcing me to go for my legal rights .... I'm to blame .... he takes no responsibility .... Good luck to his mistress .... or should I say thank you to her lol. Went to make the bed and cracked up. he DID pick out the sheets ! What a hoot. Am taking advice and putting on rubber gloves and clean ... change the kitty litter too. Gonna keep my sense of humour. Thanks for listening and luv to all those out there who know what I'm going through.

colleen said...

Hi 31
How are you doing - am thinking of you!
I'm having 100 emotions a day as Megan said, but I look at him and don't know what I feel - it's really odd. He looked in my fridge and made a comment about the meat packs (2) in the fridge and I should be saving money (he supports us) while he lives in luxury! Ha!
Anyway I sleep with my dog now - at least she doesn't snore!!!
Go in love and know we are all here for you.

Anonymous said...

Hello all ... 31 here. So glad to hear from you Colleen. I check the page all the time. It lightens my day. I know exactly how you feel when you see you ex. I'm all over the map. What I want is the man who used to love me but he's long gone. Each day I struggle for strength and each day I chalk up another day. I'm frightened, lonely and sad at times but then I was like that when he was here ... only worse. He uses my daughter to discredit me ... I was a nag .. I was cold and unloving ... I drove too slow ( he has 4 car accidents in 7 years) and on it goes. Thank you for not making me seem alone ... it is so appreciated. My thoughts and love are for all who are struggling.

Colleen said...

Hi 31
He is trying to justify his actions by discrediting you and that is a big NO NO. It is not fair on your daughter. It doesn't matter WHAT his reasons are - he left for another. You have been together for 31 years and you feel part of you is missing (I do too) but is it the man or is it the comfort zone you had? You sound better off without him sorry to say. I feel better when I have my say as it is off my chest instead of bottling up.
I am going to a jazz club on Sat. evening with my brother for some fun as he has the boys as I need to get out and dress up for myself.
Go in love and know we are all here for you.

Anonymous said...

Good morning to you all ... 31 here... Took your advice Colleen and went out last night ... solo ... my neighbours got married yesterday and had a garden reception ... so pulled myself together ... put on makeup and got all dressed up. Had a lovely time. It felt rather strange at first but that wore off. It was good to go and laugh. Thanks for the tip.
Luv to all

Anonymous said...

Well done 31, I am so proud of you! It does feel strange, but you see you can enjoy yourself being alone, and people are so kind and caring.
I had a great evening jazzing and had quite a few requests for my phone no, but that is not what it is about. It is nice to see that other men find you attractive, but for me it stops there. I spent the rest of my weekend cocooning as my boys were with him and it is lonely - anyway another day to get through.
Go in love and remember to hold your head up high!

Colleen said...

Sorry 31 - must have hit the wrong button - it's not anonymous - it's Colleen - lotsa love

Anonymous said...

31 here again ... also known as Cathy.. Thank you Colleen for your encouragement .. it means a great deal. I am finding myself gaining in strength. I am tackling things that I never did before .. like getting the car repaired, mowing the grass, putting out the garbage. I think I am seeing all the things that I CAN DO!!!(and I don't need him}. My therapist is fantastic and for all who are thinking of getting one ... go for it. I am starting to see and feel the real me and I actually like what I see. Not bad after 31 one years of captivity!!!! Yes there are moments when I feel lonely but then i ask myself if I would trade it for the chaos. nope ... no way.
Girls from work coming over for supper tonight and bringing supper with them. I supply the wine lol.
I am so grateful for the good people placed in my path. Wishing everyone well and love and thank you so much for listening to me.

Colleen said...

Hi Cathy
Drink loads of wine and enjoy all your girlfriends and HAVE FUN!
Mine is not playing the game by withholding finances. I have had my own business for 27 years as a graphic designer and at his request downscaled last year as he felt I did not need to work. Well, I have just emailed my therapist as I need help to get through this.
Oh Well - lets all have a glass of wine and look at the humourous side of life - have a glass for me in South Africa and say Hi to your friends.
lots of love Colleen

Anonymous said...

Cathy here ... aka 31 ... had a wonderful time with company the other night. They came laden with gifts from groceries to face cream and kleenex. They amazed me. Then yesterday set in ... bad .. bad day ... and the tears started to flow and the kleenex given to me got used up. I became angry with myself with missing him (the early years) and knowing that i don't want him in my life. I ended the day by packing it in early and going to bed. That was until my son called me to say the dog had tangled with a skunk. AGHHHHHHHH!
The dog was humiliated and now won't leave my side. Now we both smell like leftover skunk. Went out and bought myself a birthday present (57 tomorrow). It's been so long that I bought myself anything ... always made sure he was dressed well. Must say my new outfit looks pretty nice ... and it was on sale too. Thanks for letting me check in and ramble a bit ... just feels better to get it off my chest. today is a new day so will put it to good use cause yesterday is gone. love and hugs to all who need it. Cathy
P.S. It just hit me Colleen ... when you mentioned graphic artist ... heck I used to paint ... oils .... going to pull out my art box that I haven't touched in ages and paint a picture for my birthday ... thanks for the idea lol

megan said...

hey ladies...there are going to be good days, wonderful days, great days...and sometimes those days lead you to believe that you're done...and then there are horrid days, doubtful days, longing-filled days, lonely days...etc. etc. etc...it's all part of it, and i'm a few months in, officially divorced, have a new quasi-beau, and i STILL have all of those kinds of days and more. cherish the good ones, take it slow through the hard ones, and just keep going. it doesn't matter how fast or slow or gracefully or clumsily you keep going, it only matters that you do.

Colleen said...

Happy Birthday Cathy from all of us out here. Celebrate the beautiful woman you are and have a special, lovely day!
And hey - the 50's are the new 40's!
lots of love

Anonymous said...

Cathy here .... you are sooooo soooo right Megan about the good days and the bad days. My birthday was a tough one ... but made it through thanks to my kids. OMG they make it all worthwhile. Am busy cleaning out his office downstairs. Of course he's not doing it and I want his stuff gone! Found more evidence of his lies and deception. I AM truly better off without him and each day confirms that. Thanks for the B'day wishes and once again letting me vent. It actually helps to see it in writing. Blessings to all

Anonymous said...

this has just happend to me after 12 years together and 6 years of marriage. We didn't just buy the sheets but a new car (his dream car, in my name with a 5 year loan!!)so now i have to not only try and understand how you stop loving the one person you trusted more than anything but also how to pay the bills.

never saw this coming said...

My husband of 18 years is leaving me. He has been distancing me for weeks and becoming colder and noncommunicative until I asked him yesterday what is going on? He wouldn't say much, just that he plans to not live here anymore. I feel sick and in shock and don't know how to get my head around this. I am unemployed so I need to find a job asap. I have not been sleeping very well and have come across your post and it gave me some comfort. thank you

megan said...

i'm so sorry, ladies. i know it's hard and overwhelming--and will be for some time now--but just remember to breathe, keep lists of what you need to keep track of, reach out to everyone you know for support, take care of yourself as best you can, do what you need to do to be able to sleep (including talking to your doctor about a temporary mild sleeping pill, if necessary), feel your feelings and let them move through you rather than clinging or getting stuck, and nourish yourself in whatever way you can handle. time really will pass, feelings really will change, you CAN provide for yourself and WILL figure out how to do it. you deserve love and respect. this is your opportunity to make the space in your life to receive it. it will come.

Anonymous said...

Cathy here (31). Been a couple of weeks since I posted a note. To the ladies that wrote in ... there is a strange connection between us all. Although we don't know each other we are connected by our experiences and feelings. I take great comfort from the fact Megan that you know my inner most feelings because you have felt them. I take hope in your story when you tell me that it will get better and it will take time. Oddly enough this has happened at a point in my life where I thought I could never trust again. Right now in the past week I have felt rage. I am still uncovering his lies and his manipulations. The latest thing is it appears he cashed in my childrens' life insurance policies that we started after they were born. God knows what he used the money for. I feel for my kids even though they are now 25 and 28. Love to all ... special hello to Colleen and Megan ... thank you for your encouragement.

Radhika said...

Thanks for this post, Megan. My husband left me and our 13 month old son in July of this year. The first two months were tough but things are getting much better, actually a lot better!
I can really relate to what you wrote. And he did pick out our sheets and comforter too, I think about it sometimes when I make the bed. Anyway, much love and support to all you strong ladies going through this experience, things do get better.

Colleen said...

Hi to Megan, Cathy and all the ladies out there - hope you are all managing to walk this difficult path we have been faced with.

I need to share something with you all so you can watch out for any similar situations.

I thought my 2 boys aged 13 & 17 were coping with my husband having moved out,
it is 4 months now and I have kept a happy home and their dad comes around every day. I ask my boys how they are on a daily basis and assure them how much I love them. My 17 year old says he is fine and refuses counselling. They both seem to be happy going to their dads and certainly seem happy at home. Therefore seemingly well adjusted.

Well, my 13 year old son started cutting himself - superficial wounds fortunately. I took him to the psychologist I am seeing and it has come out that he has contemplated suicide and just feels so sad and wishes dad would come back. By cutting himself he is externalising the pain he is feeling internally.

I have noticed for the past week that he has been sleeping a lot and does not want to go out. He is not enjoying his sport (which he excels in) nor his friends. He has been spending a lot of time in his room. Despite me constantly asking him how he is, I always get the same answer "I am fine".

I am totally devastated and very worried. My son cannot ever be left alone and I will have to watch him very carefully. I will be proceeding with counselling, both at school and privately.
Our children are in such pain and they do not want to worry us. Fortunately I have caught this in time and will be able to help my child.

Please watch out for any of these signs.
Go in love
Colleen

Anonymous said...

Cathy here. Colleen I just read your posting. By profession I am a psychiatric nurse and have been for 22 years. I'm not here to give advice. I'm here to support you. You are dead on Colleen ... the danger is in the not knowing. You are a bright, intelligent and caring mother and you are doing all the right things.

If you are anything like me ... it's alright if I hurt but when my children hurt ( yes they are adults) it strikes at my very core. I don't think that will ever change.

I have seen many, many people over the years tackle this issue. I have witnessed many people coming out the other side stronger than before.

My thoughts, prayers and love are with you and your family. Thank you for sharing your story. You will never know how many people you have helped out there who are suffering with these feelings. Thank you Megan for having this site and allowing us to share and be there to support each other. As I said in a previous note we are all connected.

Blessings to all and love Cathy

Colleen said...

Thank you so much Cathy. My other half (sic) has just popped around AGAIN after his game of golf to see the boys and asks how my day was ... WHAT DOES HE THINK! I've spent the entire day in tears worrying about my child.

You are so right Cathy, I am as happy as my saddest child as wish I could absorb their pain.

I pray other mothers read this and watch out for the signs.

With much love and thank you for caring!
Colleen

Anonymous said...

Colleen .... just wanted you to know that today my thoughts and prayers are with you. Hang in there. ... luv Cathy

Anonymous said...

Hello. My husband told me 5 days before our 12th wedding anniversary that he was unhappy and thought we should separate. I was devastated and in complete shock. I did not see this coming. He moved out within 2 weeks and I had a hard time functioning in the beginning. After 3 weeks he came back and apologized. He told me he didn't know what he was doing but was willing to do whatever it took for our marriage to work. He was here for a month and things were going really well. Then he went away on a business trip and came back & immediately told me he wasn't happy and it wasn't going to work. This time I am angry. I really don't know how to go forward. We have been together 14 years. We have two children in elementary school. I moved here for his job 4 years ago and don't have any family here or a real support system. My job is here and I really enjoy it. I could transfer closer to my family w/my job, but I am not sure if it is best for my kids. I have so many questions about my house and job and divorce and separation. I have days where I feel very strong and know that I will be just fine and then I have days where I am not sure how I will get through the day. I don't believe in divorce and I never thought about the possibility of a divorce that I did not choose. I am scared.

confused 09

Colleen said...

Dear confused 09
Thanks to Megan with this site, we can comfort each other. My spouse did the same to me after 23 years, and all of us on this site understand your pain and know exactly how you are feeling. You are not alone, keep talking to us, it does help.
Right now your head is reeling with shock and you are afraid. My 3 biggest fears were: 1) Telling my 2 boys 2) Him moving out 3) Being Alone - I have faced all the above and SURVIVED. It is 4 months now being alone.
I joined a church for a support group and it did help, people are so kind and caring. You do need your family, so perhaps in time you will need to move closer, your children are young enough to adapt.
Surround yourself with friends and draw on their strength, you are going to need it and keep talking to us. We are all here for you.
See your doctor, you may need medication to help you through this. If you know of a herbal product called Rescue Remedy, it does help to calm the anxiety you are feeling.
Go in love - we are all here for you
love Colleen

Anonymous said...

Hi ... I'm Cathy and welcome to the web. You are not alone ... we are all here for the same reason. Some of us may have different edges to our stories but underneath we have the same feelings. None of us ever planned or wanted this to happen. But it has unfortunately. The more I share the more I don't feel alone. I can be honest and open with my emotions. I too have family far away from me. I have drawn strength and purpose from my from my job , work friends and my children. It's only been 2 months for me now after 31 years. Keep talking girl ... all of us do care. Cathy

megan said...

colleen, i'm so sorry to hear about your son. it sounds like you were and are doing everything right. your family is in my prayers. teenagehood is challenging enough to go through without adding the extra pain of a family torn apart, hopefully your son will be able to feel his feelings and move through them. i'm sending my love.

09,it's a lot to think about right now and your mind probably won't function correctly for a while, so it's not the best time to make any radical decisions. remember to breathe, seek help for anxiety if you have it, stay grounded, and reach out to your friends and family (during the first couple of months my phone was in constant use!)...as you settle into it and are able to get grounded, it will be easier to evaluate your options, and you'll have more information, and a better sense of what you want, what you feel, and what you need (right now they are all jumbled together and it confuses rational thought, but that will change). take care of yourself and your children and know we all support you and are sending energy your way.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for support, it is helpful to know others are going through the same things. Right now I have been debating on whether or not to take my wedding ring off. I haven't taken it off in 12 years. Part of me thinks I need to take if off because I am alone and I don't want anyone asking me questions about my husband. The other part of me feels like I should leave it on because I am still married and just because he is ignoring the vows doesn't mean I should too. Any thoughts? How long did you guys wait until you removed?

Confused 09

Anonymous said...

Cathy here .... dear 09. You will know when it is time to take the ring off. I took mine off and threw it at him when i found out he was having an affair and it was in the heat of an argument. At that point it no longer represented anything for me. I still have it and my engagement ring. I know people who have sold them and I can't. You're hurt and in shock right now. Just breathe as Megan says. This is a process. I thought I was doing great until I did laundry today and found his socks. then cleaning out a drawer I found this yucky love letter from his mistress declaring her love and trust for him. BS I've spent the rest of the days in tears and anger ... probable rage if I let it out. 09 give yourself a hug your worth it. We are all gonna get thru this. Keep talking... we're listening. luv and hugs to all ... Cathy

Colleen said...

Thank you all for your love and prayers. All I can do is love my boys unconditionally, my eldest (17) is also holding in, but boys being boys don't talk - we will get through this. When I spoke to my spouse about my concerns - he says "We are all battling" and I replied the boys did not ask for this! So you see I cannot win with him. He is still under this illusion that WE decided to seperate and will not see that he left us to "find himself". I had no choice in the matter, he says he loves me, but not in that way - so we remain endlessly seperated with no end in sight. I will retain my dignity till the end for myself and my boys. There does not appear to be another woman.
Cathy, I am so sorry that you are repeatedly having his infidelity thrown up in your face, that must be so hard. You are a strong beautiful woman and you can make a new life for yourself. Think of all the things you can do just because you want to and not because you have to. Go away for a weekend with a friend. Look at how much your friends love you and start loving youself again. Remember how he treated you and consider yourself lucky!
09, Megan is right your thoughts are so jumbled you don't know what you think or want. I still dont know what I feel - confusion, pain, anger, mistrust, caring, will he come back - will I take him back for the kids - yes/no/maybe/never. I have no idea where I am going, but I have slowly learnt that I have wonderful qualities which no-one can take away from me. I am surrounded by friends who love me and through them I am learning my self worth.
I do not wear my wedding ring because it reminds me he does not want me anymore, but each to their own, do what feels right. In the beginning you feel humiliated for others to know you are on your own, but remember that is what YOU feel. Slowly you will be able to hold your head up. You have done nothing wrong - hold on to yourself.
Go in much love.
Colleen

Anonymous said...

Your post made me laugh through my tears. After 23 years my husband is not happy and wants a separation. Can you say mid-life crisis? He is abusive and cold hearted. I am going to counsellors and friends for support. He refuses to leave the home and has a 'in your dreams' girlfriend. The boss's daughter no less who is only 7 years older than his eldest daughter. All the emotions I am feeling come in waves. My stepdaughters have been a huge support and of course it always helps to be around the three grandchildren. He tells me to 'get out of HIS house'. Escuse ME! You want to be separated then YOU get out. I have consulted a lawyer and I absolutely have the right to stay right where I am. I know I would be less stressed if he weren't in the home but I am retired and have nowhere else to go right now. My question is "how did my life come to this"? I suppose everyone here has the same question. Thank God my two boys and his two daughters are grown and have their own lives. It broke my heart to read about the young man cutting himself. I pray for him and hope that he will be strong. These men are selfish and unworthy of any woman or child. I know we will all get through this and one day we will be confident and strong together. It helps to share. Thank you all.

colleen said...

Welcome Anonymous - or should we call you 23?
I am the mom whose son cut himself, so far so good, I have had no further incidents, but I am under no illusion that this problem will just go away - it is so wrong that our children have to deal with such heartbreak. They will always be our babies and we love them with every fibre of our being. Your message brought tears to my eyes just knowing you care - thank you!
Now, I too have been with my husband for 23 years, it is our 20th anniversary today. My story is on this site, so I do understand exactly what you are going through. As I read your story I am so angry with that man of yours, he has absolutely no right to do what he is doing. Kick him out, it is not your problem if he cannot afford to go, he has created this himself.
Keep chatting to us on this site, we are all here for a reason, having been blindsided by those we loved and trusted. We will get through this together! Promise!
Now I am doing something for ME. I have decided to buy a caravan for some fun. I love the outdoors and the beach and living in South Africa we have the most beautiful beaches in the world. So shortly me and my boys will be having a sundowner on the beach with a braai (barbeque) sizzling away. Although I live about 2 minutes from the beach, I never seem to go down there and by doing it this way we can get away most weekends for some fishing, surfing, golfing.
I can do this!
So bye for now and please keep talking to us - we are all here for you - hold your head up high and remember how special you are.
lots of love
Colleen

mrs brightside said...

reading this was like reading me! 2 weeks ago my husband left while me and our 2 young children slept,he rang me 4 days later to say it was because he didnt love me anymore. the pain i have gone through and the self blame has been very hard to cope with, but as days go by the pain in the pit of my gut is easing and will continue to do so! why do men get to tear our worlds apart an not even have the balls to look back at what they have done? to men like the ones we are talking about life is one big game, one game that THEY will be the only losers!! reading things like this blog slaps me back up when i feel like falling, thank you x

Alannah said...

Wow, how amazing that there are so many of us who go through this. I wish there was a pill for mid life sanity :-) My husband is moving out after we have spent 6 months on a terrible roller coaster dealing with his affairs. I have done all that I can to keep our marriage together, counselling, talking, crying, supporting, accepting and even forgiving to a point.Ultimately, he is a screwed up person who is willing to give up a wife and partner of 20 years who loves him (why, I don't know right now) and two FANTASTIC kids, who will always bear the scars of being left. His choice. My choice is to hold my head up, manage with what I've got - my kids, my brains, my friends and family. I am going to say that to myself everyday - even when the boo-hoos hit!!! I loved reading all your stories - it helps to know we aren't alone.
Banana

Anonymous said...

Cathy here aka 31. Well welcome aboard ladies. All of us CAN hold our heads high. All of us have strength and courage and we find it and see it in each others experiences. I've bee separated since August and I'm slowly getting my life back. I'm presently looking for a new place to live which is quite a journey in itself. It is exciting and scary at the same time and very challenging with 2 dogs , two cats and my son. Am taking the week off Colleen and following your advice.. Am going on a trip with my girlfriend of over 40 years. She is like a sister to me. My love and prayers are with all of you. Keep in touch and look after you :) luv Cathy

Colleen said...

Hi Cathy
I am sooo excited for you! Well done! You are going to have a lovely trip with your friend.
I am still deciding on the caravan, the idea is awesome, but expensive.
Anyway love and strength to all!
love
Colleen

EmotionallyDrained said...

My turn to join the club. My husband and I have been struggling to keep it together for months now. I've gotten the "I love you but I'm not IN love with you" speech and the "I need time alone to decide if I want to be here any more". Funny, us women with kids don't seem to have that option to decide. Can we say Mid Life Crisis from hell? So this is day 1 of his self imposed exile and it hurts so bad I can't breathe. But I have a 13 year old child with special needs and a 3 year old that need me, so I'm trying to hold it together.

It's damn hard after being with someone for 20 years.

Anonymous said...

Hi Emotionally Drained. This is Cathy also known as 31. You made it through Day 1 and that's all you have to do. When tomorrow comes then deal with it then. Little steps ... baby steps. Hug your kids cause you're a terrific mum and you are there for them. It's okay if you have a meltdown .... we all have ... still am at times. I kept trying to make sense out of nonsense. I don't understand my ex. I can honestly say I don't want to try to understand him. Believe in yourself and what you value. Most of all remember we are listening and here for you. Hugs sent your way ... Cathy

Colleen said...

Hi Emotionally Drained
Welcome and as Cathy said - you got through the first day and will you will get through another. It is damn hard and your head is reeling with shock and pain.
Just know that we are all here for you no matter what.
With Love
Colleen

mrs brightside said...

has had a bad day, just when i thought i was moving forward my husband seems to want to bring me back to the wreck i was 2 weeks ago? he seems to think its ok for him to tell me about how his life is moving forward while i am still in shock of it all! i didnt do anything to deserve this so why keep kicking me while im down? am sure its a self importance thing! never knew anybody could be so cold and switch off, 10 years and 2 amazing children.

Colleen said...

Dear Mrs Brightside
Unfortunately I noticed the same with mine. He was strong and cold when I was weak and upset, when I showed strength that I didn't need him he seemed upset. I also have been totally shocked that someone I have been with for 23 years can be so cold and unemotional.
You have to try and show you are moving on. They don't want us but they don't want to see us not wanting or needing them.
We have reached a point of friends after 4 months of seperation. We treat each other with respect. I am doing this for my boys.
It's funny he was the one who said he loved me like a sister and I was DEVASTATED - now I love him like a brother and quite frankly I am happy on my own.
With love
Colleen

megan said...

hi brightside. my husband did a similar thing, and it was awful. awful. all i can say is that it's awful, but it's totally possible to get past this. right now it's all about surviving all the horrible moments, they seem to stretch out and last forever, but that WILL change. and as horrible as it is when they seem to flip that switch and just be able to totally move on seemingly without even an over-the-shoulder glance at the life you shared together--and fast!--that sort of makes it easier, or it did for me, to move on myself...to have gratitude for being out of a relationship with a person like that, and on to creating the life i want for myself. i promise that it gets easier. it gets better. happiness will come. peace will come. satisfaction will come. self worth will come. right now you're probably overwhelmed with a million thoughts/feelings/desires/etc. and riddled with anxiety and uncertainties...your brain probably isn't even functioning properly yet--and that's fine. just know that equilibrium will return. YOU will return to yourself, in a way that has been hidden or gone for a while. it will feel good. not right now, but eventually, it will. in the meantime, breathe, call support people, nourish yourself however you can, and trust that it won't always be this way.

colleen said...

Hi Megan
I have just read all my old posts and wow I have come a long way from my head spinning to now being happy!
Thank you for all your help.
love Colleen

megan said...

i know! when you're in the midst of all the pain and confusion and anxiety it's so hard to fathom that you'll ever feel differently. but you do. personally, i am much happier than i've been in years. i'm grateful for my kids and for what i've learned and experienced, and i'm grateful for the space made available by my shitty husband leaving--now there is room for something that i really do want.

mrs brightside said...

hi megan and colleen thank you for you supporting words, i am starting to think that this is just one big game to him. i know that if he can be so cruel and selfish then i dont need this man in my life! he seems to be changing his mind about his choice and saying random things like" maybe im wrong and deep down i do love you, wel just never know" i mean what is that all about? i just need 2 keep contact 2 a minimum i think, because he jus seems to hurt me each time i see him, have given up asking why he would be this way because to be honest i dont care!! i just want this feeling of missing him to leave, and for him to stop being such game player! xxx

colleen said...

Dear Brightside
He is not going to stop the games. As Megan said I acually feel sorry for mine as no sane person can do what they have done to us or our children. They are confused, mine tells me he loves me deeply but is not "in love with me", where did this come from? After 23 years you do not have that butterly feeling in your tummy (that was mine's reason), woman grow with contentment, men seem to want more, perhaps because we become mothers and not lovers like we used to be? They want excitement back, well grow up! We live in the same rut as them without compaining.
Mine does not seem to have another woman, but I have an inkling that he is viewing porn - I have researched this and the statistics are mind blowing. If a man is viewing porn, he does not look at his wife in the same way anymore and loves her but not in that way (sound familiar?) This is hard for me to open up about as I do not believe in porn, but I need to face facts.
When we tell you that you WILL start feeling better, believe you me you actually DO!
As Megan said all of those emotions you will go through but once you start to realize this is not your fault and you have awesome qualities as a person and a woman and no one has the right to take that away from you, you will start to believe in yourself again and that it the turning point.
One thing that has truly helped me is listening to Josh Groban's music - two songs especially - "You Raise Me Up" and "Don't Give Up" - I listen to them full blast in my car over and over, that is my saving grace, they talk to my soul and lift me. Please get these songs - they do help!!!
Go in love and know we are ALWAYS here for you - no matter what - if you are having a bad day - talk to us, no matter how small the problem - We are all bonded together.
Love Colleen

Anonymous said...

I am just amazed at how many selfish men exist in this world. I am doing pretty well and the wedding rings have come off, but I still have my "what the hell happened" moments. From a religious standpoint, this was not suppose to happen to me. Neither myself or my husband believe in divorce, which I know everyone says that, but he was so religious. I just don't see how he can justify this to himself, let alone before God. How does a man decide that their happiness is more important than any one else's. This doesn't just affect the wife, or the children, but the relatives and friends. How can the guilt not eat these men alive. The whole "in-love" piece is such a crock of crap as well. How can you promise to love me through sickness and in health, but not if you fall out of love. My husband said God would want him to be happy. Really? So God would want him to be happy even if it destroys our marriage and scars our children - I don't think so. I am a firm believer in everything happens for a reason and trusting in God, but unfortunately it doesn't mean that what you want to happen will happen. I battle with myself daily in how I should feel or react. I know that you should repair the marriage and pray that you work out the problems and forgive, but I also feel like he doesn't deserve it. He doesn't deserve my forgiveness after the hell he has put me through already. Not only by devastating me and leaving, but by coming back and living with me again and telling me he was committed to do whatever it took to make it work. A month later he takes a business trip to Vegas and comes back at 11pm to tell me it still isn't working and he is done. He is screwed up and jaded on what love truly is. I think he will be on this roller coaster looking for someone or something to make him happy for the rest of his life. Part of me is glad that he will move on to someone else who can deal with his depression and miserable existence that involves looking toward people and objects to fill this void he has. But then there is the history and the kids and the thought that this is the "sickness" part that I committed to live w/for the rest of my life. It's truly amazing how many emotions you go through when you are abandoned by the person who promised to love you forever. There are days where I think he'll realize what a complete ass he has been and come graveling back and then there are days where I look forward to meeting a man who truly appreciates and loves me for me, who doesn't put conditions on their love. Sorry to ramble this morning, just one of those days.

Confused 09

mrs brightside said...

hi colleen, the things you say are so right, but there is pain in that just wants him to want me again! i know we could never go back as he has caused me so much pain, will this wanting him ever go? im trying to keep in together by getting on and going to work but am so tired off fighting. when all he seems to do is have a fun single life, wonder if what he has done will ever hit him!? dont know what im looking for maybe the chance for him to come begging back and for me to be able to tell him where to go! or even for him just to show some emotion.

megan said...

brightside. i have been there. i can tell you with certainty: not only will it go away, but you will start to fall in love with YOURSELF eventually, and that feels awesome. it takes time and that time is really uncomfortable and seriously long and drawn out. but it will pass and you will be somewhere else. hang in there, breathe, maintain, use routine as a friend and tool, force yourself to get real life support, and realize you're doing the best you can and that later your best will be better and more satisfying and it's fine. you'll get there.

colleen said...

Dear Brightside
My heart goes out to you - I know where you are at. I cried in the supermarket, clothing store - everyone seemed to ask me if I was ok because I looked so sad. I was. I couldn't deal with the pain.
The most hurtful thing a man can do is tell us we are unattractive and do not find us sexy (mine did). I am still carrying those words.
Try not to dwell on what he is doing. In 3 months time you will start seeing things differently. Listen to Josh Groban. In a couple of weeks go out and get some different clothes and necklaces. Dress up for yourself. I went from blonde to brunette. You will loose weight & make use of your girlfriends, you need them, and keep talking to us. I check my email all day.
With all my love
Colleen

colleen said...

Sorry Brightside - I forgot one more thing. Get to your doctor, tell him whats happened and ask for help. He will probably prescribe anti-depressants which DO help. I know you are in a bad place and just want to stay in bed and cry - go to your doctor today please!!!
Prior to starting these tablets I was so low that I even contemplated suicide. In my mind I was the one he didn't want in the family, so by removing myself, the problem would be solved. Thank God for my friends who stood by me and got me through.
Your pain is my pain and we'll get through this together.
All my love
Colleen

Anonymous said...

Cathy here ... back from my trip .... feel like my head is back on. I've been catching up with everyone here .... oh my oh my ... it never ceases to amaze me what is so common. Games .... and more games ... i came back to find out that my ex has had my code to my email account and been following every move and every word I've said. he let it slip by accident to one of the kids. Well changes have been made and my password is different. I wanted to write him and blast him with everything I could. That is what he wants me to do. He wants to engage me ... create chaos .... fight ... then tell people how abusive i am to him. Well the ball stops here. I am not going to play. There was nothing in the emails that I would want to hide ... nothing I feel ashamed of for saying. I find it ironic that he is with his new love yet he still ... for lack of better words ... stalks me. Nope don't want to play the games. I'm moving forward ... inch by inch. You're right Colleen .... you can look back to the messages and see movement. I take so much hope in your messages Megan that it gets better. It has been my life raft.
I also can relate to not believing in divorce. I came from that mindset. I'm not a church person but I consider myself to be very spiritual. I read an amazing little book called "The Shack". It is about forgiveness .... which I struggle with. It gave me a lot of peace and made alot of sense to me. Thanks to ALL who write in and share. You are truly amazing women. Mrs. Brightside .... you are on the right track!!!! Hang in there and I think I can speak for all ... we hear you and we care ... Hugs and good vibes sent to all.
Cathy

mrs brightside said...

Thanks ladies just seem to be having a few more down days lately, but must admit hav stopped crying at the meer thought of my husband so am going in the right direction. i saw him 2day and really just felt sick!im trying 2 be nice for the kids but 2 be honest he does not deserve it, he hasnt been a decent person 2 me in all this. but am trying for the kids sake. collen i have an appointment for the doctors on monday, i didnt think i needed to but ur right it will help ne through. i read these posts and we dont know each other but talking to all the girls on here really lifts me, because we all understand the pain we going or been through, and hearing people say it gets better also a big help x

colleen said...

Dear Brightside
I am so proud of you for taking the first step. Please let me know what your doctor said. I didn't think I needed the tabs - but obviously I did. They seem to put your emotions on an even keel - I was given Ciprolex, if that is too expensive, ask for a generic version.
No-one can understand my situation, nor believe how nice I have been. I've been told to change the remotes and locks on my house, but what for? It will just create animosity. I am conducting myself with dignity, for my sake as well as my boys. Be true to yourself. By doing his washing for him - it is a minor detail - he pays our domestic anyway.
Anger takes up too much emotion and eats you up. The times I've been angry I just land up getting sick and drained.
Oh Cathy, we have come a long way. How was your trip with your friend? Your ex sounds like such a shit. You're definitely well rid of him.
Unfortunately for me, mine was such a gentleman (although selfish), so my expectations are very high in a man. We have worked hard to get where we are, live in a nice house, have a boat, gone on nice holidays - in 7 years our boys would have left home and I was looking forward to travelling, now it has all gone up in smoke. I don't know where my life is going but I may be single forever which is also fine. I have gone on a diet as I would like to loose 4kgs for my beach holiday so I will feel good within myself.
Thank you all for chatting, it really helps when I am feeling lonely.
Lots of love to all you wonderful woman!!!!
Colleen

mrs brightside said...

hiya colleen, i understand what you mean. my husband was kind caring and honest which is why is so hard to understand how a massive change has come about in him? its like he really is someboby else now and if thats the case hes not the man ive fell in love with. men are out of the question for me for the time being the only men i need are my boys, but you will find somebody else as will i, maybe we will find a man who starts out a perfect gent and stays a perfect gent, someone who means what he says, and who is happy and content enough not to hurt the people close to them! might be a tall order that like, but we live in hope haha x

colleen said...

Hi Brightside
Looks like we're in the same boat. The men we thought we knew! Say no more.
I agree the only men I need are my boys and I'm happy with that.
We're busy floating round the pool today.
lotsa love
Colleen

Anonymous said...

Cathy here .... Good morning to everyone. I look forward to hearing from everyone ... I see changes and see hope and faith. It really is remarkable. Dear Brightside ... I agree with Colleen and the meds. I went on a med called Zoloft. It wasn't a cure but it certainly helped. I couldn't concentrate. I was scattered. I couldn't remember appointments and reading was useless. I did funny things like put the frozen green beans in the cupboard and the pot in the fridge. I laugh about it now.
The longer I am away from my ex Colleen the happier i am. thankyou for your advice to move forward. I am doing things I never thought I could do before. I had to laugh the other day. We had our first snowfall. ( It's cold in Canada eh!!! lol) and I was swearing cause he used to scarpe the car. Then I thought ... nooo nooo ...he was too expensive an ice scarper.
I had the opportunity to go to a banquet the other night. It was related to work. My girlfriend loaned me a lovely outfit and I went out and bought new makeup with my daughter. I too have lost weight since he left. I received nothing but hugs and love from people. My self esteem shot up to the ceiling. One of the girls made me cry when she told me how much she admired me for my courage and that I was her role model. Me a role model .... never thought that about myself.
You are right Colleen ... my ex is a shit. I don't know if there is anyone in my future. I don't know if I want anyone in my future. For today I just want to be me and be happy. I love finding out who me is. I got lost being his wife and catering to his needs .... no more him ... yehhhh!
My trip was wonderful with my girlfriend. We laughed till we cried ... and we cried till we laughed. She knows me like a book as I do her. She accepts me for all that I am. I feel truly blessed. I also feel blessed to have this site where I can connect with others and share and yes ramble. Love you all ... you are truly wonderful ladies and I'm glad to have you in my life.
Enjoy the pool Colleen ... hugs ... Cathy. Brightside I really benefited from therapy. If money is an issue go contact a woman's shelter and they have unbelievable supports there.

colleen said...

HI Cathy
You sound like you had a wonderful trip, I am so happy you had a great time.
The first time I saw snow was 4 years ago in Austria and it was incredible, it was definitely a dream come true. I don't know if I could live in such cold - all the clothing you have to wear is such a mission. Our winters are so mild that occasionally we wear a jersey, but I would love to go back one day.
Why on earth do any of us want another man? I can cook what I want without feeling guilty, lie and read a book or watch tv all day if I want.
Scattered brains - yes, I sprayed my 3 dogs with furniture insecticide the other day thinking it was dog spray because it said "Flego" - no wonder I had to sit on them to spray as it must have stung! But hell - they survived! Forget kids pick up times - put coffee in deep freeze - the list goes on - you're not alone.
Cathy I am sure you looked gorgeous, and what an honour to be a role model for some one.
So much for the diet - have just gone out for chocolate covered ice creams - yeah another day in dieters hell!
Lots of Love
Colleen

mrs brightside said...

hiya collen, i went to doctors and he gave me something to help me sleep for the time being! i slept last night but to be honest i felt terrible this morning, am not feeling to bad at the moment, seen husband today and for the first time since he left m, i didnt cry when he walked away! must be moving forward! hope you are well x

colleen said...

Dear Brightside I have been thinking of you. Thank you for going. Sleeping tabs don't do it for me - make me feel lousy in the morning. Maybe your doc feels you don't need the other tabs - don't kow.
I am proud of you, you are moving on, but you are going to have lousy days make no mistake and you will deal with them. We are always here for you. I love the fact that we are all around the world and have become friends - I cherish all of you! I just wish we were on the same time zone.
Let me know how beautiful you are when you do your makeover, you are almost ready.
I have some news to share ... my 17 yr old told my brother (who lives with me) that he believes his dad has another woman as he has heard him twice on the phone speaking softly. He swore my brother to secrecy, so I can't say anything. He is worried about me finding out. This makes me angry that a 17 yr old has this worry on his shoulders while he is busy writing year end exams.
Now, how do I handle this? Firstly I will carry on being myself and not say anything. Secondly, I have been waiting since June for the truth to reveal itself and Thirdly, I can't change it. In a way it is a relief to know that it is not me as I haven't been able to understand how he says I am so perfect and he loves me dearly but not in that way. So I feel it absolves me from doing anything wrong - does that make sense?
I need my money for legal fees if necessary and don't want to waste on a private investigator or maybe I just don't want to know the truth yet.
I can't tell my mother or sister because they will say something. So I have to let this play out.
He is coming with me down the coast today to look at caravans and he has offered to help me buy it, well darling, now he will buy it.
Lots of love to all
Colleen

colleen said...

Dear Brightside I have been thinking of you. Thank you for going. Sleeping tabs don't do it for me - make me feel lousy in the morning. Maybe your doc feels you don't need the other tabs - don't kow.
I am proud of you, you are moving on, but you are going to have lousy days make no mistake and you will deal with them. We are always here for you. I love the fact that we are all around the world and have become friends - I cherish all of you! I just wish we were on the same time zone.
Let me know how beautiful you are when you do your makeover, you are almost ready.
I have some news to share ... my 17 yr old told my brother (who lives with me) that he believes his dad has another woman as he has heard him twice on the phone speaking softly. He swore my brother to secrecy, so I can't say anything. He is worried about me finding out. This makes me angry that a 17 yr old has this worry on his shoulders while he is busy writing year end exams.
Now, how do I handle this? Firstly I will carry on being myself and not say anything. Secondly, I have been waiting since June for the truth to reveal itself and Thirdly, I can't change it. In a way it is a relief to know that it is not me as I haven't been able to understand how he says I am so perfect and he loves me dearly but not in that way. So I feel it absolves me from doing anything wrong - does that make sense?
I need my money for legal fees if necessary and don't want to waste on a private investigator or maybe I just don't want to know the truth yet.
I can't tell my mother or sister because they will say something. So I have to let this play out.
He is coming with me down the coast today to look at caravans and he has offered to help me buy it, well darling, now he will buy it.
Lots of love to all
Colleen

Anonymous said...

Cathy here .... Brightside ... I see and hear you making progress. I too was wondering how you had out at the Dr. I know I had a lot of trouble sleeping at first and was running on nothing. I had severe nightmares about my ex ... conflict and arguments in my dreams. Now I don't. I sleep quite well. Keep in contact with your doctor please. The longer I am away from my ex Brightside ... the happier I am. I NEVER thought that would happen. And yes today I had a brief meltdown. I'm angry at all the responsibility he has left me and how he treats his children. It sickens me.

Colleen ... hi there .... whoa ... you got a lot going on. I'm going to run a couple of things past you okay and see what you feel. I am concerned about the secrets ... people are starting to be held hostage. My ex did that with my daughter when he picked her up from work months before we separated. He drove my car ... his mistress in the front seat and they were holding hands. My daughter pleaded with him to tell the truth and he would not. He proceeded to confide in her .... bad move. Colleen it put a wedge between my daughter and I as she felt she was betraying me. When I found out I immediately grabbed her and hugged her and told her I was so sorry she had ever been put in that position and she didn't deserve it. She collapsed in tears in my arms. Don't engage in the games ... confront the issue with the poise and strength that you have already learned. It has carried you this far. As for the detective. yeah I have had that suggested to me. Nahhhhhh!!!!!!! Too much energy and it won't change anything. Look after you. I've always found the truth will surface. I have not had one person ... not one person blame me for the breakup (oops I lied my ex and his mistress say it is all my fault). People tell me ... Cathy we know you ... we know how hard you tried to make it work ... it's his loss .... he's the jerk. Hope that helps ... signing off ... keep me posted. Love to you all .. Cathy

colleen said...

Thanks Cathy
I don't want to betray my sons confidence - remember he did not tell me, but my brother. Today my boy was in a really bad mood and will not tell me what had happened. So I will give this a bit of time, I want Mark to play his hand out.
I do understand how the kids are slap bang in the middle and it's a hard call. When I get the opportunity I will try to gently raise the subject - thank you for the advice.
Today we went to look at a caravan and now he's hedging on getting one for us - will you use it? I lost it completely and told him he was a f--king idiot as I have been talking to him about this for 4 weeks and he was the one who agreed with me. The caravan is the price of his golf clubs! He is also taking my eldest son and friend to Sun City for the Million Dollar Golf Tournament (huge bucks) in early December.
He is obviously not intending to come back as he asked me who would be towing the van?
Oh well my friends - live and learn hey?
lots of love
Colleen

mrs brightside said...

hiya colleen, all i can say is what a bastard! how dare he put your lad in this situation!? as if he hasnt caused enough pain!!! darlin ive found out that my soon to be ex hubby has moved in with some tart he works with ( who i had wondered about before). if your hubby has another woman then so be it, just tell yourself that its not your problem anymore,you are so strong colleen dont let this take you back 10 steps! aslong as he is supporting you with money hun thats one less thing 2 worry about, i dont know what 2 suggest but i do know that you confronting him and maybe getting upset will not help! let it sink in first then you will know what to do xxx

mrs brightside said...

hiya cathy, yeh going to the docs did help a little. im the same the less i see of him the better i get, just know i have to keep seeing him because of the boys! but itl get better il get stronger, you sound like you have!? x im a firm believer of, what goes around comes around!x

colleen said...

Thanks Brightside I've decided to let him play his cards, once I am sure of my facts I will hit him with a divorce. I don't want to give him any warning to hide assets, etc.
I've spoken to my elder son and explained that I don't know if dad is coming back or what dads reasons for staying away are, but that I am getting stronger by the day and that the two of them are my life, so he needn't worry about me because I am fine and the three of us will cope perfectly. He did not say anything, but at least I've opened the door for him as Cathy suggested.
I have been invited out for dinner tonight by a recent friend - he's a widow and about 60. I don't know what I am going to do, I am nervous because I do not want to send out wrong signals. He is just a friend.
hold thumbs for me
love you all
Colleen

colleen said...

Sorry Brightside forgot to add one more thing.
Yours and mine are bastards for doing this to us. All we ever gave was unconditional love to them and their children.
Well, they are the loosers. I will not allow this to take me back 10 steps. I will move forward 10 steps - do it with me.
love
Colleen

Anonymous said...

Colleen ... go out and have fun ... If he wants more tell him where you're at and what you are ready to give or not give. You're in charge and the only one that matters besides your kids is you. Have a drink for me ... l0l ... Cathy ... oh yeah ... we want a full report :-).

Anonymous said...

Brightside ... Cathy here .... you better believr it ... what goes around does come around and my ex is really in for it ... Karma is great!!! I never wished ill on anyone but boy he has alot to come to terms with as far as his past actions go. Hugs Cathy

colleen said...

Ok ladies - here's the report back.
I was taking my son (13 yr old) to the mall for movies, so I suggested we meet there.
Absolute gentleman, he's a cylist, very oudoors, even climed Kilaminjaro last year. Nice company, told him upfront that I was very nervous about meeting him which he understood. He has quite a few ladies which he takes out as friends. He has been widowed for 2 years. Lovely man. My saving grace is that he must be about 65 (I'm 47 Eeeck!!), so at least I felt comfortable that no-one would think I was on a "date" (which it wasn't)
3 hours later he walked me to where I was meeting my son (which I was very uncomfortable with) and I introduced him to my son and his friends and off he went (after giving me a kiss - SHIT SHIT SHIT!). My personality is very friendly and my kids know I have a lot of friends, so my son won't read anything into it (hopefully). I did not say that I had met up with him, just that I had enjoyed my shopping - bought 2 pairs of SEXY brazillian heels which incidentially are uncomfortable but who cares - they look great and they were on sale!
Pleasant evening but I am not ready for any man in my life. After 23 years with one man, it is very unnerving to be out with someone different no matter how innocent.
I feel soooo guilty today that I actually went out. I would never do this with a younger man yet. My best male friend of 24 years is 62 and I love him to death.
Anyway I phoned him this morning to say thank you for a lovely evening, and he said it was his pleasure and anytime I wanted to go out to just phone him. He is so sweet.
I think I am going to turn into a recluse as I am happy being at home with my boys.
Now for you Cathy ... it's your turn to do the deed - I challenge you and I want details!
lots of love
Colleen

Anonymous said...

Cathy here ... good morning to all.
Colleen your experience made my day. I admire you for going forward and can relate to all your saying. You took a big step. I would love to tell you my experience when and if it happens :-)! After 32 years with the same person i just can't imagine what it would be like. I find that men my age gravitate to the "younger" crowd. The only single man i know is my landlord and he likes "younger" women. I tease him about it all the time.
On the serious side ... I struggle with trust issues because of the betrayal. I guess you could say that I have baggage now. I thought I was a good judge of character but that proved wrong. I know not all men are the same but right now i am content just trusting myself. I think one of the cruelest things to happen is to be rejected sexually. It really strikes at your core. It's taking a lot of strength to fight the messages in my head that were implanted by his actions. feels better just to get it out. I'm sure I'm not alone.
Envy you being able to wear heels. i would break my neck :-) I'm at an age where flats are definitely safer for me ... lol. i am however going to have a makeover today. My daughter is a wonderful hair stylist. I have hair to my waist. She is going to trim it and put in low lights and high lights. She refuses to cut my hair off ... says I wouldn't be me without my long hair.
Well ladies have a wonderful day and many blessings. Good touching base with all. May you all find courage, strength and peace in the day. Hugs all around ... Cathy

colleen said...

Oh Cathy I am so happy you're having a makeover, you are going to feel like a million dollars!!!! And I know you will have men chasing you - NOT that you want them, but take the flattery as it comes.
I will not be repeating my date experience for a while. It is really hard to sit and have another man pour your drinks, be attentive, when you have only ever had one man doing it - it's confusing and unnerving.
I have had a really bad day today - in tears all day - this is what happened: I went to my sisters for her sons party - my spouse arrived as he has been best friends with my sisters husband since school. He was again on top form - he is very loud and likes being the centre of attention. After one drink I went down to my mom's cottage on the property and climbed into bed. I am so uncomfortable in social situations when we are together - he acts like nothing has changed. I slept over in bed with my mom. He took my boys home to his place.
This morning I went up to the main house and my brother in law was still drinking (6am) he proceeded to tell me I was wrong as Mark offered me a hamburger and poured me a drink so therefore he is trying (hello - that is perfectly NORMAL behaviour for him), and apparently I gave him the cold shoulder - again NOT TRUE, by now I think you know me. Anyway after much grilling that I must take him back as he is trying, I burst into tears and left the house. My brother then tells me that he got into an argument with both my sister and brother-in-law because they say it is my fault as I let myself go (ok I carried an extra 5kgs when I was married - my sister carries a lot more) and shame poor Mark - he is trying sooo hard!!! Reality check - he has not even asked me out for a cup of coffee, now I have suspicions that there is another woman.
I am devastated that my own sister has betrayed me and is playing both sides. This is now the final nail in Mark's coffin. Whatever he is saying is not true and I am sooo hurt. She has seen my pain and my boys pain. This is not the first time my sister has let me down, she does this over and over, when my son was desperately ill in hospital 2 years ago, I was told it was my fault because I did not go to church. These so-called christians that sit in glass houses!!!! I've had it!
My best friend arrived this afternoon - she always knows when I need her. Have shed lots of tears - now I will move on - and screw the lot of them.
Cathy you are so right about being rejected sexually. I was told I was both unattractive and not sexy - that has shattered me to my core - don't know if I will ever recover from that one.
Who says you can't wear heels - it's all in the mind. Get a pair of brazillian red heels (who cares if you look like a stripper) and make sure you take a crutch with for support so you can walk in them - send me a photo when you do! I got red ones AND leopard print ones!
lots of love
Colleen

mrs brightside said...

colleen i think your a wonderful woman! you keep getting knocked down but darlin you keep getting back up! balls to them, what do they know. these men dont even know their own minds! im going out on friday with an old friend (male) and dont know what im doing, ive told him it just 2 people getting together an hes fine with that! for some strange reason i still feel guilty for wanting 2 go, even after all the shit my ex is putting me through. is that daft? and are any of you on facebook? x

colleen said...

Hi Brightside
Thanks for that. Good luck for Friday - enjoy yourself you deserve it. You need a confidence booster and YOU GO GIRL!
I am on facebook under Colleen Baptie and my email is baptie@saol.com - anytime!
Can't sleep with all this in my head - stuff them all! I have my niece's 18th party coming up also at my sisters and have decided not to put myself in that situation again. I feel so alone right now, but as you said I keep getting up, so let's hold thumbs this time.
With love
Colleen

Anonymous said...

Colleen ... phew!!!! That was a bad day. Put it behind you. You know the truth and don't waste your energy on them. I do believe that somewhere in my background I remember a scripture that said "judge not that ye be judged" Hmmmm I wonder if your sister has read it? Ooops a little sarcasm eeked out!!!! That's "Bad Cathy" talking.
There is nothing worse than someone who has been drinking and then starting to express their profound opinions. You know how you feel. Your sister is not privy to all the information and only you can decide what's best for you.
Brightside ... go out and have fun. I'm sure it will feel strange but take the first step.
Makeover went well ... I have pics of during and after. My daughter will help me put them on the puter.
Hang in there ladies .... we're all worth it.

Anonymous said...

P.S. Collen ... your not alone ... we are here and we understand what you are going through. Please remember that. We ARE connected ... Cathy

colleen said...

Hey Brightside
Where are you - Cathy and myself are wondering how you are? Keep in touch via e-mail if you want and we can cc each other.
Are you still doing your "date" on Friday?
If you're having a downer, it's ok. I've just had a 3 day one.
All my love
Colleen

Anonymous said...

Brightside ... cathy here ... wishing you a good day.

mrs brightside said...

hiya colleen and cathy, yes how did you guess!? jus seem 2 feel crap again its so hard seeing him an other day i missed him, an soo wanted him 2 tell me it was all a big mistake! am ok now and i dont want this man back he has caused me so much pain and is still doing it! it seems im left in a heap as he walks away clicking his heels, but am ok 2day ladies, the heart is a funny thing aint it! am still going on friday i think i need 2 for myself. but like i said i ment my vows and for that reason i feel like a cheat!? am sure it will go soon, bloody hope so haha dnt know my own feelings anymore, aaarrrrggghh xxxxx thanks 4 caring

colleen said...

Welcome back Brightside
It's ok as Megan said breathe ... when you are having those days you don't want to see or talk to anyone, we understand.
Some days you don't want to get out of bed - that's ok.
Yes you will want him back and and you wont, all normal. The betrayal is too raw and big for your mind to get around. You actually feel dizzy with so much going on in your head and cant make up your mind about what you feel.
I found he was stronger when I showed my pain, but when I got strong he fumbled. All will come in time, now I don't care.
After my evening out I felt terribly guilty in the sense that I was betraying my marriage - I am quite sure they do not have these feelings! You have been in a comfort zone for so long with one man, it took me 5 months to do it and it wasn't easy. Don't know if I will do it again, but then I am older than you and happy to be at home.
Now listen to your advice to me - I keep getting knocked down but get back up again.
Put your lipstick and red shoes on girl and start believing in yourself.
If you want to speak off line - I have supplied my email.
All my love
Colleen

Anonymous said...

Hi Brightside ... yep we all get those days where we just want to go into ourselves. What we are going through is traumatic ... it is life altering and whatever and however you get through to the next day is an accomplishment.
There is nothing wrong with going out and socializing. As Colleen said ... go out .. put on your best face and enjoy it for what it is ... being social.
My ex derails me just through contact in emails. He knows my sensitive side and knows how to get under my skin. I am trying to learn not to engage him and play the games. It's hard.
Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. have a wonderful day my dear ... Cathy

colleen said...

Hey Brightside
It's YOUR night tonight! Don't be scared, relax and it will be fine, remember you are with an old friend.
Cathy and myself are worried about you.
love Colleen

Anonymous said...

Brightside .... go out and have fun ... you're worth it ... Cathy

mrs brightside said...

hiya colleen and cathy, im ok in fact im smiling again! i had a lovely time it was jus lovely 2 sit an chat with someone who didnt know the ins and outs of my pain.i dont think im as ready as i thought i was but am getting there. hope you are both well xxx

colleen said...

Hi Brightside
So glad you had a good time, you needed it. All will come in its own time.
Nice to hear a smile in your voice.
You are going to have lots of ups and lots of downs. But we are always here for you.
I have found when you talk to someone who knows you, it brings up all the hurt and you have a bad day. It's easier to talk to someone who does not say how sorry they are. Does that make sense?
I've just had major downer - told me last week that he is happy and does not love me the way a husband should love a wife. It's over - we will start proceedings in the new year. I knew in my heart all along, but to hear it verbalized and to now face my biggest fear - DIVORCE! I find it totally bizarre that my marriage is over because he did not have that fluttery feeling for me after 23 years. It is out of my control and the truth will reveal sooner or later.
I will only tell my boys when it happens.
Cathy is away for a couple of days and I know she sends her love. You are very welcome to join us on e-mail.
lots of love
Colleen

Anonymous said...

Brightside ... so glad you were able to go out and enjoy yourself. You sound more settled and I'm glad for that. Your right ... sometimes its a relief to go out and just talk about anything else except your situation. I'll be heading back to work next week after a leave of absence. I'm not looking forward to questions ... just want to keep going forward. people mean well but the reality is ... they don't understand all the emotions you go through unless they've been through it. I find that people who have gone through it or are going through are much better at listening and understanding. Keep going forward ... you're getting stronger .. Cathy

Colleen said...

Hi Brightside
Thinking of you. Are you ok? Cathy and myself were wondering why we are feeling down - we realized that is Christmas time and our lives have changed completely. But we will get through this. If you are feeling low, it's ok, we all are. Be strong my friend, you will get through this.
love
Colleen

Anonymous said...

Brightside... haven't heard from you in a bit ... hope everything is okay.. just remember we're here if you need us ... okay ... xxoo ...Cathy

mrs brightside said...

hiya ladies no am not ok to be honest,my husband if rubbing his new woman in my face and i cant take it! what am i ment to do when hes left all what we had and is living with his tart, he even took my children round there and didt find out till after, my boys are so mixed up now! x i just keep picturing them together living it up!!

colleen said...

Dearest Brightside
We knew you were not fine, it is truly despicable what he is doing to you. You must be in absolute turmoil.
Firstly, he is gone - there is nothing you can do. By rubbing your nose in this is cruel and heartless. You have done nothing wrong and do not deserve this treatment, nor your boys.
Secondly, try have counselling for yourself, you need it. This is very very hard to deal with - Why Why Why? There are no answers, you have to deal with each day as it comes.
I tend to withdraw from people when I'm hurting, but reality is you need your friends. Cry your heart out, get angry and try move forward.
We are always here for you and wish we could take your pain away.
All my love
Colleen

Anonymous said...

Brightside... i understand exactly how you feel. My husband left me for another womwn. He tried to involve my daughter in on his relationship with his other before he left me. I understand the level of betrayal that you feel and the anger and the unfairness of the whole thing. My children are a bit older and they want nothing to do with their father's "friend". I had shed many tears over the unfairness of the situation. I guess I want to leave you with this thought. Your children will only have one mother and that is you. That bond cannot be broken ... it is set. Rely on that bond ... love your children and listen to them. It's okay for them to be confused but make no mistake they know who there mother is. I struggle with the imagining of my ex and his new love together. I have come to realize that I was wasting to much time imagining and not living. Baby steps my dear, baby steps , you are still very raw emotionally. Use whatever support systems are available and most of all keep talking .... because we do care.. wishing you peace ... Cathy

mrs brightside said...

out of the blue, he wants to come back and says he knows he was wrong and will do anything to get me back! i told him i dont love him anymore an that it can never be and he said he can make me love him again an have a fresh start! sad thing is i do still love him but i had to say i didnt so he would leave. what do i do i am so confused???????

megan said...

brightside...oh dear! how awful. you must be so confused and hurt right now. none of us can tell you what to do, you have to look into your heart, and his, and assess your own situations and reach your conclusions. i will advise, however, that you do nothing rash. if he's serious, truly serious, then he would be willing to see a counselor with you so the two of you can discuss it and work on it in a safe space. i personally would not accept him back into the home until you've done scads of counseling and you've seen evidence through action that he is serious and dedicated. i wish you peace through this process and hope that you are able to stay strong and see clearly. much love--megan

colleen said...

Hi Brightside
I am sorry you're in this situation. Not an easy one. Your heart is telling you one thing and your head another.
If you truly do love him, marriages have survived more. I agree with Megan about counselling.
Don't rush into anything. You will need a lot of help to build up your trust again. It will be pointless to take him back and never ever forgive him.
Go with your gut feel girl - we will support you whatever your decision.
All my love
Colleen

mrs brightside said...

hiya megan an colleen, i feel numb to him coz thats how ive got through these past few months. he said hes seeing a counsain ellor for his issues coz he has them, wot hes done normal people dont do! he also wants us to go to one together, an is moving back in with his parents he says he will wait however long it take and that he can make me love him again and be the husband he once was because once over he was a good husband and father but an ju worriedthat mans gone for good! ive told him i need time for things to sink in, im so sick of thinking ladies. maybe il wake up one day and it will be clear what i should do m=but at the moment its as clear as mud!!!! xx

Misty said...

My husband and i were together for almost three years and married for over one. I know it doesnt sound like much but in that time we did everything together, he was my friend, lover, and everything. Two days ago we got into an arguement and he told me he wasnt happy and was done. This is the worst pain I've ever felt and I feel so lost. I have the most amazing family and friends but nothing seems to ease the pain. It hurts so bad..and I feel like I dont know what to do. Reading this helped...so thank you.

Anonymous said...

Brightside .. Cathy here. I'm sure that the last few days have been difficult for you. The one thing that you do have is time. There is lots of time to sort through this. Take a deep breath. I also reccommend couselling. Go slowly my dear and look at his behaviours ... not his words. You know the old saying "Actions speak louder than words."

Anonymous said...

Misty ... Cathy here ... just remember we are here if you need us. We understand what you are feeling and have all been there. You are right ...it really really does hurt. Take care

colleen said...

Hi Brightside
Of course you can't think straight. The pain you have been put through is cruel. Take things very slowly, he has to build up your trust again. Remember to do this at your pace and your set of rules. Trust your gut feel.
I have just discovered he has another woman with children, and has most likely been going on for a year. I feel sick with his betrayal and deceit for what he has done to us.
Be strong Brightside - you know you are.
all my love
Colleen

colleen said...

Hi Misty
I'm hoping your situation is just an argument for your sake. Men are like children and their little tantrums are pathetic. If not, then you know you can always talk to us. We have all been there, hurt and still hurting, but getting stronger and moving on.
The pain is so bad sometimes you can't breathe, but remember no-one has the right to do this to you. You say you've got a wonderful family - lean on them and talk talk talk. You may not think so at the time, but you will get through this - we all have.
with love
Colleen

Misty said...

Cathy and Colleen, thank you so much for your wonderful words, they've truly helped. I, myself, thought it was an argument and that he'd leave and realize the mistake he made...then I found out he changed his cell number, moved in with a friend, and even got rid of me off of his myspace-which now reads 'Im happier than Ive ever been.' I even recieved divorce papers today, which he filed the day after he left me. I took it really hard, and it still hurts a lot but I know I'll be ok. He chose his path, and now Im chosing me..and thats to live for ME. I wont cry over him anymore, he's not worth that. I want to realy live life. Thanks again for your kind words :)

colleen said...

Darling Misty
I am soooo sorry. I know exactly how you feel. The bastard. One very positive aspect, you don't mention children, therefore you are young enough to start again and YOU WILL. You need to trust us on this one. You will walk tall again. Cry for now, get angry and talk to us, good or bad. What a prick to do this at Christmas time.
I can't say too much on this site, but my world has been SHATTERED. You can read my earlier postings and see what I have been through for 6 months. It is now not 1 year but 2 years of betrayal - they have been so devious and cunning, but the truth was eventually revealed to me in the best possible way (for me). He is being served and sued today.
I have not put one decoration up - have to do something today for the sake of my boys.
You are welcome to chat offline - baptie@saol.com
all my love
Colleen

colleen said...

Hey MIsty - one more thing - it sounds like he has planned this. You don't just walk out and immediately file for divorce. Thought has gone into this. If you look back through your relationship, there will be signs of unhappiness. Be prepared that there may be another woman. Do not hide your head in the sand and remember to conduct yourself with dignity. Don't loose yourself in this ugly process. Remember when you have ugly thoughts mentally you become ugly phsyically.
Now - go get yourself some nice new clothes, make up and get your hair done. It truly does make a difference for your soul. Let him see what he has lost.
Go in love and peace
Colleen

mrs brightside said...

hiya colleen and cathy, well true to his wrd he doing the things he said he would! but its going 2 take a hell of a lot more, i do love him still but i am not in love with him, which i never ever thought id say. i just want 2 get christmas over with and give my boys a nice time theyv spent way too long seein me sad,so hes just going to have to wait for an answer when im ready!!!!! my way now and il decide how i feel after some ME time and if its not the answer he like well tough shit! i have to say ladies talking to you has helped me soooo much i love you all xxxx il keep you updated and hope you are all well? x

mrs brightside said...

hello misty,we all know how you feel but hun hes made this choice for you, you had no say so why should you feel so much pain? its hard and many people will say this but time is a great healer! have you spoken to him about it? asked him for a full reason on why he would do this to you? you need and deserve one x

Anonymous said...

Misty ... I am sad that he has deceived you this way. Yes indeed it has all been methodically planned out for some time now. You sound better in your letters now and I am glad for that. You will find the inner strength to tackle this in your life and you will come out a stronger person. I know I am changing. The reality is I'm happier without my ex and i have discovered a whole world of people who sincerely care about me. I still have bridges to cross. I have found counselling very helpful to me. Keep in touch ... especially through the holiday season cause people do care.

Brightside ... I can't believe the change in you. I am so so proud of you. You sound more healthy emotionally. I am so happy that you are taking the time for you dear .... What a lovely Christmas gift to yourself. I have no doubt that as time passes you'll take the right route for you. Remember how much we love and care for you ... and you too keep in touch over the holidays ... all happiness over the season to all. Hi Megan ... what a wonderful gift you have given us with this blog. Thanks ... Cathy

Misty said...

I just found out that he left me on Thursday, and filed for divorce the very next day.

Colleen, yes, men can definitely be decieving. I just found out that he left me on Thursday, and filed for divorce the very next day. I've also recently found out that my husband had a whole past of things that I never knew about, and that he'd been lying to me *and my family* about several things the whole time. It's so hard because I dont know what to think. What in our marriage was real? What else did he lie about? If he was so good at lying about these things, what else could he have been hiding. Some of the things I've found out are frightening. Even though I'm relieved that I got out before something really bad could have happened, it doesnt take away the hurt that he betrayed me for so long. The person I knew and loved was different from who Ive found out he really was. Im learning to cope though. Ive come up with a list of things I want to do for me though. I have goals, and I know I can make it through this. Thank you for the kind words and if you'd like to ever talk I have a myspace- butterflyluv86. Things will look up, Im sure.

Brightside, I wish I could find out why he did this to me, but he's lied about so much I don't think I'd ever get an honest answer from him. I don't feel that I can face him right now anyways. You're right though, why should I have to feel so much pain while he's living his life? I dont know that answer, and Im hoping the pain will get better with time.

Cathy, thank you for your kind words also, they really do help. I know I will be alright in time, it gets better each day. Im lucky to have an amazing support system, and the wonderful women on here to talk to.

Thank you everyone for your kind words.

colleen said...

Hi Misty
So glad you're slowly healing. You must now realise that you are better off without him. Celebrate the moment.
Men lie and lie, but the truth is always revealed and they NEVER leave for no-one.
I, on the other hand, have discovered he has been leading a double life for 2 years. She has two younger kids. I am sick with the lies and betrayal I have discovered. Bearing in mind, we have been together for 23 years, married for 20.
He now is sorry for his "mistake" and wants me back. Sorry for him - I am divorcing him immediately - have already served papers.
My pain is enormous, christmas is almost here and I will continue to be strong for my boys.
love you all
Colleen

mrs brightside said...

colleen you do right hun to much has been done and none of it by your hand xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx im staying single for the time being my husband said a lot of things and didnt mean one of them what good liars these bastards are!!!!

Misty said...

Colleen, it's good that you're done, and divorcing him. Any man who'd mistreat a woman for any reason doesn't deserve her.

brightside, you're right, men can be such liars. I have never undstood how lies can come out of their mouths and they not even feel an ounce bad! To me, thats just horrid. I was honest my whole marriage, and even now, the thought of lying is just wrong. I know now that I Have to be much more observant, and know that once a liar, always a liar.

I hope you all have a great christmas. Let's not let these men ruin that for us, we still have our families to love.

colleen said...

To Cathy, Megan, Misty, Brightside and all you very special women out there ...
You are unique,
no-one can speak with your voice,
say your piece, smile your smile
or shine your light.
No-one can take your place,
for it is yours alone to fill.
Have a wonderful Christmas and thank you for being my friends and loving me.
all my love
Colleen

Misty said...

Thank you colleen, you have become a wonderful friend on here. Im glad I've gotten the chance to talk to you :) I hope you also have a great Christmas. I have my family and I know with them by my side, I will be just fine. :) Merry Christmas everyone!

Misty said...

Hey everyone, hope you are all doing good, and that Christmas was a good day for you and your families. My christmas started out slightly rough with a phone call my my ex's other ex wife, telling me all of the horrible things he's told her about me when he called yesterday to talk to his kids. It hurt me at first, but eventually made me angry. What business is it of anyone else's?? How dare he tell her these things that weren't true? I did find an answer as to why he left though, whether it's true or not...at least I now have it. I do find it completely dumb, and probably not true but I guess its something to help me move on in a way. Its some sort of answer.

My biggest problem right now is sleep. I've been sleeping well, but he's in my dreams every night. I keep hoping one night he won't be, but they're always dreams of running into him and him being REALLY cold to me...or of just holding him. Both make me upset in the morning. I hate that...does it go away?? I dont want him in my dreams, especially since he's out of my life.

I am handling this better than I thought, thanks to all your wonderful words, and the people I have around me. There's just lingering emotions that wont seem to shake.

colleen said...

Dearest Misty
You need to understand something - he is going to justify himself by saying things about you, it makes him look better, and remember it's all about their ego. You need to rise above him and be the lady you are. Don't get down to his level, it is not worth it, anger takes up too much negative energy. Pray and find peace within your heart for yourself.
Go and get sleeping tabs to switch your mind off at night. The dreams are exhausting. I know as I am also haunted. Due to all my evidence I uncovered, I have photos of them together plus 256 sms's declaring undying love that they will be together eventually ... I see her face, I see them in bed, I hear their words.
The only reason it has "supposedly" ended is because I bust them. In my divorce papers I have named her as the 2nd defendant and sued her for 1 million.
He is trying everything to get me back. I'm not stupid. If I was so unattractive and not sexy as he told me, why does he now want me back? But ... I rose above all and had him here for Christmas for the sake of my boys. I always conduct myself with dignity and I will not loose sight of who I am.
I went out last night with my brother and was inundated with men of all ages telling me they thought I was hot - it's nice to know I still have it at 47! And I conducted myself as a lady. This is only the 3rd time I have been out in 7 months. I had a wonderful evening, felt good and came home to sleep with my dog.
You can and will do this properly. Rise above him and his words.
With all my love
Colleen

Misty said...

colleen,
You're right, I shouldn't let what he says get me angry, its just not good. Ive been doing better than I thought I would but I do have those days where I miss the person I thought I knew..then I realy think about it and realize I didn't know him at all. Maybe that's one of the hardest things. I was married to a man who I didnt know. Its hurtful..and horrifying to think of this.

I did go out with a friend lastnight..it was just a trip to the mall and out to dinner for a drink but it was SO nice. For the first time in a while I felt like me. I put my contacts back in *dont want the glasses anymore...the ex picked them out. ECK*, higlighted my hair, and had a fun night. Life is going to be ok I know.

Colleen, this confidence you seem to have now and the fun you're having makes me smile. I'm glad you got out and had a great time. The attention is nice isnt it? Even if it turns into nothing substantial *which right now you dont want it to*, it can just make you smile. Good for you :)

Stay smiling :)
Misty

Anonymous said...

Dear All,

Good to hear from everyone and congrats we all made it through one of the most difficult times of the year. We have all come a long way from ouner first writings. I too had some emotional experiences but through friends; family, visits, phone calls I made it through with the people who love me and have supported me.

Misty, I too had dreams about my ex. I would wake up in a panic and tears rolling down my face. I still get them from time to time but no where near what they were .... thank heavens.

I sense your confidence growing and I think that is one of the positives that comes out of an ordeal like this. I do not necessarily see it in myself but others do and I rely on their wisdom. I certainly never expected anything good to come out of this even though Megan you said there would. I can honestly say I am happier now than I have been for years and the best thing that happened to me was the letting go of my so called marriage ... even after 32 years. I too at 57 feel like I can be me. I still have hurdles to cross and I still find comfort in this site .... knowing I am not alone and if others can do it so can I.

So to Megan, Misty, Brightside and Colleen .... love you and will be thinkimg of you and checking on the site through the remainder of the holidays ...Love Cathy

Misty said...

It really is hard to have dreams where your ex is in them..and Cathy, I too have woken up with tears running down my face. Lastnight was one of the first nights since he left that I didnt dream of him. I woke up feeling relieved. Good things will come of this, that I can definitely tell you. Even though it's hard, have faith and know confidence will come with time, I know I am finding mine little by little. Im glad to know we all made it through the holidays okay too. Every one of us on here deserves it after what we've been put through.

Something fun did happen to me tonite..

I went out with my best friend to dinner, and we ran into another friend of mine I hadnt seen in a long time. (and wasnt 'allowed' to spend time with.) She told me she was going through a hard time with a split from her fiancee. I began teasing her about a VERY good looking co worker of hers, and as she was giving me her number so we could keep in touch, the co-worker of hers tapped me on the shoulder as he was walking away - he smiled,waved, and said hello. I know my friend set it up, but just that small amount of attention...it made me really smile. It does feel good to get attention from someone after what I've been through..even if its just for a second. It really made me feel good.

Im so extremely thankful for this site, I can't even express how much. I look to this site whenever I need guidance, or just someone to vent to. Talking to you wonderful women on here has helped me through the most painful thing in my life, and I'm thankful for that. you all are wonderful..thank you :)

mrs brightside said...

hello ladies, well thats that done for another year. it was hard but my boys had great time, colleen i also let my husband be here for christmas day. i can handle it for the sake of my boys! ive been looking through what ive said in the past an started to cry because i see how bad i felt an how much better im doing. i truely believe this site has helped me through some very hard times. the nights were i just could not face laying in that bed and thinking of him! we are all going to be just fine i can feel it! a new year is coming ladies an we are going 2 fill it will more smiles and less tears xxxx

colleen said...

Hi Brightside
I am proud of you for giving your boys Christmas. I'm glad its over - took my tree down 28th, it reminded me of happiness my heart doesn't feel, but my boys are happy having their dad around.
Mine, like yours is trying everything to win me back, he says it doesn't matter if it was a one night fling or longer, its the same thing. What a joke - I have been deceived for 2 years. Told him he had a gangrenous prick and as I know where his mouth has been, it wont be coming near me again. Says they have no contact and its over - yeah yeah, its only over because they were bust and because they haven't had closure it will always be there.
He also says we cannot afford to divorce, so he has to prove this to my lawyer, if so, we will remain seperated. Once bitten Twice Shy!
I am going on holiday in my new caravan with my boys from the 3rd Jan for 10 days, so I can hopefully get a chance to heal.
You and myself are walking the same path and we will come through this stronger.
All my love
Colleen

mrs brightside said...

hiya colleen, a break away will do u the world of good. ye we are walking the same path hun, they want to win us back thats fine but why throw it away in the first place? i know how you feel everytime i look at my husband i feel sick at the thought at what hes done and where hes been. he left his tart an moved back in with his mum to prove he can change, ye ok!!! would you believe the cheeky bitch rang me to ask if we were back together (god knows how she got my number) he had told her he was trying 2 win me back an little miss home wrecker didnt like that! i just laughed at her, pathetic!! we are going to be fine, as ive said before what goes around comes around colleen xxx

Misty said...

Happy New Years ladies :) I hope you all have a fantastic new years eve, and a great start to the new year, and new you! I'm actually quite ready for the new year to start, I plan to just enjoy life as much as possible. My best friend and I are going to Chicago to celebrate new years eve, so I'm quite excited for that. I even told my friend Im bringing my wedding ring with so I can throw it in Lake Michigan before midnight..I think that's a pretty good idea :) lol. Stay strong,a nd keep smiling, you're all very strong women and life can onlyl get better. Anyways, much love!

mrs brightside said...

misty, thats a great idea haha!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Christmas for me was wonderful with my children ...although they are not children. They said it was the best Xmas they had since they were kids. Idiot and his mistress showed up at the door on Christmas eve and my son would not let her in ... told his father she is not welcome even if is Christmas. I got blammed for playing games ... influencing a 25 yr old ,,,and 29 yr old on what to say. I'm not that powerful. On the 30th the bomb dropped ... I was served papers to provide spousal support ... half my pension ... even wants back any jewelry he gave me. Let the games begin ladies!!!! Send prayers cause this is going to be nasty. So long '09 .... hello '10 ... please let it be better for all of us ... luv to all .... Cathy

Misty said...

Cathy, I'm glad you did have a nice Christmas though. Good luck on everything! No matter what keep your head up and you'll come out the winner in any situation he tries to put you through. You're so much better than him. Hugs and good luck!

Anonymous said...

Thanks Misty for your kind words. If it were not for the people around me holding me up I think I would crack into a thousand pieces. It is hard to believe that it has all come down to greed on his behalf. It verges on obscene. I am trying to hold my head up but at times it's pretty damn hard. Wishing everyone well ... luv Cathy

Misty said...

Hey ladies, hope you all are doing well. We're getting tons of snow here in Indiana! lol. Anyways, went to our first court date today. We didnt even have to see a judge because we agreed on everything. We sat together, signed papers, got them notorized, and now he's going to send them in, and within a few weeks the divorce will be finalized...and we wont even have to go back to court. I'm glad to have this done, considering it is the first time Ive seen him since he walked out on me and broke my heart. It did hurt to see him, but I handled it better than I thought I would. I kept my cool, was cordial, and acted like I was completely ok. There was no arguing, no mean words, it was all very calm and respectful. I'm glad to have this done, and even though it still hurts, I now I feel that I can finally begin to truly let go since I've seen him again now, and I know I can handle it. He is going to come by to drop the rest of my stuff off and hopefully that will be the last time we'll have to speak. Hes staying here in the same town and I know we will eventually run into eachother, but I'll be alright. It will still be a long road to feeling completely ok again. I can never thank you all enough for as much as you've helped me. I look forward to having you all along with me for the trip to feeling ok again..and I'll be along for yours. We'll all be ok someday..and we all deserve much better than what we had.

Misty said...

The ex still hasnt showed up to bring my stuff. I hope he does, but I can't even give him the benefit of the doubt anymore after everything he's done.

Anonymous said...

All I can say is WOW!! When I read this I felt like I was reading az book on my life, my husband forgot he was married and got himself a girlfriend. I found out because I saw marks on his body while we were being intimate! It destroyed me. we have 3 kids who are all hurting. THis happend on January 14. This helps me see that I am not as alone as I feel. Thank you ALL for shareing your stories. They help more than I imagined.
Love Tara

Anonymous said...

Dear Tara,

Cathy here. I am so sorry that you are going through this. What a terrible way to find out. My heart goes out to you. I am now 6 months past my separation. I never thought I would get past the first week. I am involved now in legal issues abd I have sedured a new place to live. I will move in April. I am glad that some good has come out of our experiences and you found a comfort and connection. Indeed we are not alone. Keep writing cause we are listening. Blessings your way my dear. Cathy

colleen said...

I'm BAAAACCCCKKKK!
To my precious friends out there, sorry I've been quite for a while - am in bad place, but will survive.
Misty, I am so proud of you girl, keep getting stronger and stronger, we are all with you.
Brightside, how are you doing? Is the bastard (sorry) still trying to reconsile?
Cathy, my darling friend who I speak to a thousand times a day – I LOVE YOU!
And to Tara - welcome - stick with us - we'll get you through this!
Now onto me - Went away for Jan - best thing I did - yes he came with! I did it for the boys but made him sleep in the tent while I was in sublime luxury in my new caravan.
2 days ago he admitted that he has deep feelings for her. Hurts like hell, but I'd rather know. He is now trying to threaten me - drop your lawsuit against her and I will be fair to you!
My pain is obviously huge, but my first priority is me and my boys. Will get advice from lawyer this week.
Missed you all!
Sending you love and peace
Colleen

singlemominomaha said...

Strong amazing women you are. I am a mom of three going through the same stuff! About 9 months post separation. He however is still "with" his lover. Gross! Thanks for the good info! Keep moving forward girls!

Misty said...

It's good to see you ladies back! So when the x and I went to court we were told once 60 days from the day the divorce is filed that the signed papers can be sent in and we will get the final papers...as of today it's been 55 days and to be honest, I can't wait til 60 days is here. I want the divorce so I can finally move completely on with my life and no longer have his name. Im feeling better than I have in a while..and Im finally smiling on my own :)

Colleen, I'm so glad you had a nice trip :) I'm doing much better than I thought I would be, and its' definitely thanks to you, and the other wonderful women who've helped me on here. I dont know where I'd be without all of the love and support I've gotten.

Cathy, I'm extremely glad to see that you're doing well too. Things will keep getting better. Its only uphill from here :)

Tara and singlemom, you both will be alright, even though it's hard ot hear right now. Time does help, as cliche as it may sound. You can make through this and just know you have us here to listen.

Anonymous said...

Wow, it made me feel a little stronger reading this, knowing that I wasn't the only person going through this. My husband left last night, and I'm at a loss as to what to do or how to proceed. This year would've been 10 years of marriage. Thanks to you wonderful women out there who made today just a little better for me.

colleen said...

Welcome Anonymous
Yes, we have all been there and are still working through things. The women on this site are amazing and together we get though heaps just by listening & talking.
Stay connected with us, it really does help. I've been on since June when my world collapsed after 20 years of marriage.
The lies and betrayal are despicable. I'm entering the divorce proceedings now with him trying to take my home away. Nasty nasty. But - he will never destroy my soul nor my beautiful boys.
Stay strong my friend.
We are ALL here for you.
Go in love and peace
Colleen

Anonymous said...

It's been almost 2 weeks. And I still keep thinking he will change his mind and come home. This is the worse emotional roller coaster I have been on since I was pregnant, and homeless 14 years ago when I met the man that promised me he would never leave me and my daughter. Ha! The worse part is I don't even really have an answer. He says something just clicked.....sad face:-(

colleen said...

Dear Anonymous
Welcome. You need to concentrate on yourself and your daughter right now. Do you have family and close friends that can support you - you need them.
I'm sorry to hear of your past situation, but don't let those fears arise and bring you down.
Unfortunately when a man has made up his mind to go, there is very little we can do.
Tears only make them stronger.
Stay connected with us.
Go in love and peace
Colleen

colleen said...

Darling Misty
Are you still smiling and moving forward, I truly hope so. Have you met a new man? If so, we need details!!

Darling Brightside
Haven't heard from you in a while. Are you ok? Has he moved back with you and are things working out? We support you either way.

Mine is DISASTROUS! After uncovering his web of deceit for 2 years, he begged to come back, loves me so much, etc, etc. Well, darlings - it has all been a strategy, he has been planning this for a while it seems. This is how it has happened:
1. Tell your wife you're unhappy and go for counselling.
2. Move out of home, still go to counselling, so you can say you tried.
3. When you get bust, beg for reconcilliation, say the girlfriend was just a fling and meant nothing - yeah right! after 2 years!
4. Befriend your wife and try to convince her to drop her lawsuit against your girlfriend as no good will come out of it and that you truly love your wife.
5. Suck out thousands out of the home loan to plead poverty.
6. Move out of your expensive apartment because you cannot justify it to the judge.
7. Finally admit to your wife that you have been lying again since December, that you love your girlfriend.
8. Tell your wife you have to sell the house because you cannot afford the repayments.
9. Wife suggests you come back and live in the guest suite to save money - you reject this because SHE wanted the divorce and YOU need to move on with your life - whatever happened to loving me so much and wanting to come back?
10. Plead poverty and emotionally batter your wife with fear of losing her home and her children to be taken out of their private school.

Well, sorry for him. I will stand tall and let the legal team fight on my behalf. If he thinks I will lie down and play dead and accept his measly offerings after 23 years together, while he lives the high life - he has another thing coming.

One very good thing which has come out of this, any thought I ever had of maybe taking him back for the sake of the family has gone. He has feet of clay.

love you all
Colleen

Misty said...

Colleen,

Yes, I am still smiling and moving forward. I will admit there are times where my heart does hurt but it seems to lessen more each day. I'm realizing that I'd lost myself during the relationship and became someone I really didnt like. I'm learning who I am again and it feels great. :) No I haven't met another man yet but I've went out and had some nice conversations so that's been really nice.

I did find out that the x went back to Kentucky (where he's originally from), which is a good thing. I brought him here and let him into my family...and after what he's done..he doesnt belong here anymore. There's nothing in Indiana for him so he made the RIGHT decision to leave. Now I don't have to feel afraid to go the places I've always been able to go. I can now feel even more like me now that hes' gone.

I'm sorry things have been so stressful for you. He doesnt deserve you after the games he's played, and I'm extremely glad you've decided you are done. You're a strong woman and will make it through this..and you'll come out the otherside even more beautiful and strong than before. :)

I hope things get better, and just know we're always here to talk to.

Much love,
Misty

Anonymous said...

my husband left me while i was on maternity leave. we have 2 girls, the eldest was 2 yrs and 5 months and the baby was 5 months, i am now 6 months down the line my girls birthdays are sooon approaching, they will be 1 and 3 and i feel worse now than i did when he left, i think i "numbed" my way through it, maybe as a means of self preservation, i didn't know what else to do. i was still going through night feeds and all that comes with a new born and a toddler. my husband who i met when we were 17, became detached after taking a new job that demanded long hours plus overtime, with less pay than his previous job. one day when i confronted him said i don't love you anymore. The bastard! He said he'd move out, i said i want you to stay but i won't beg you to, 6 months later, he's still gone, i'm still confused, he's not with anyone else, i'm heart broken, my almost 3 year old is all over the place, i feel sick most days now that the numbness has gone, i feel lonely, mad, resentful, pathetic

Anonymous said...

Thank you Just'N Angel. How did you know this happened to me? Ok, minus one kid? My husband is leaving me and I can't believe it. I am so jealous of everyone with someone. Families together kill me. I so needed this support and I hope we can all meet some friends who understand what we are going through.

Misty said...

Anonymous, I'm sorry this has happened to you, and especially since you have little ones involved. When a man walks out I dont think he ever really sees what it'll do to the family he's leaving behind. I know what you mean about the sick feeling, I felt that for a while after my husband walked out...but it will subside a little more each day, I promise. The only thing you can do right now is keep your head up high and try to go on with your life and make it the best it can be for your children..even though it wlll be extremely hard. You will be okay...and time will help you. we are all here for you, just know that.

Anonymous said...

Hi Ladies,

This is Cathy. I am so sad that you have been betryaed. I wish it were not so but unfortunately there are many like us. I hope that from this sight you will receive warmth, understanding and empathy and know you are definately not alone. No matter how you are handling it, the way you've gotten through it is the right way for you. One of the best things I did was reach out on this site and feel connected. It's a hard road. I'm in the process of making lifestyle changes. It's scary and lonely at times but I've done more than I ever thought possible. I have relyed on friends old and new meto give me the support and courage. They have been a blessing. I have been resentful and angry and at times numb. In the end I am going forward. My greatest gift ahs been my children. They have shown mw what real love is about. I encourage you to keep sharing because we are listening and do care.
Love to all old and new,
Cathy

colleen said...

Dear Anonymous
I am so very saddened to hear about your situation. Do you have anyone to help with your children. You need help. No-one can deal with such small children and emotional pain as you are now.
Of course you are furious and resentful, but my friend you are never pathetic. He is the pathetic one for running away.
I have come to realize that even though the pain I have been put through for so long now, he has actually done me a favour.
Go in love and peace
We are here for you always
Love
Colleen

tracey said...

hi

tracey said...

Thanks for all you ladies putting these post up.
I felt very alone all my friends are happily married and dont understand what i am going through.
My husband left me 2wks and 1 day ago. I didnt have any contact with him till 2 days ago when i rang to see if we could talk but he said he was done and he told his sister this 2 wks ago. He wants to go to the pub with his mates. (he has moved away from his mates and gone to live with someones brother who he didnt know.)He told me that he was unhappy and we had drifted apart. ( this is due to him losing his job and leaving it all to me, he found a job but very low paid so still wasnt much help but he wanted to live like when he had a good job.) what could i do ? I asked him to see if we could sort this but he doesnt want to see me,i asked if he still loved me but wouldnt answer and asked when he was seeing kids but there was no answer to that either. I havnt been eating or sleeping very well. All our home reminds me of him we picked everything together. How can they walk away without a backward glance and leave us to pick up the pieces? He is 43 i am 39, i feel like i have failed and all around are happy couples. The days feel like weeks and i just cant see an end the days look bleak.

colleen said...

Hi Tracey
Welcome. Firstly this is nothing you have done. Secondly as so typical of men, when times get tough - they run away and leave us with the baggage. I don't believe they ever grow up and are emotionally unequipped.

The simple reality is that they do leave without a backward glance. You may not want to hear this as I did not believe mine was capable, but yes, I found out after 7 months of being alone that he had been in an affair for 2 years! All the while telling me he loved me but was not in love with me. Coward! Be honest from the start!

I was also told that we had drifted apart - funny I didn't know that. You need to realize they do not want to accept blame for what they are doing, so therefore they will shift it to you.

Yes, it is very very hard to see all your friends happily married. Even a trip to the mall, all you see are couples. It is awful but slowly you will learn to cope on your own and realize your self worth for the beautiful person you are. No one has the right to hurt you.

Go in love and peace
Colleen

colleen said...

Hi Girls

Thanks to Megan for giving us all this opportunity to use her site.

I've opened up another site if anyone needs help:- http://all4women2day.blogspot.com

Go in Love and Peace
Colleen

tracey said...

Thankyou for the encouragement. Iknow deep down it isnt my fault but it is hard to think positive when your world has fallen apart. I wish there was an easier way to get over the heartache, time is the only healer.
I closed our joint accounts yesterday and felt another piece slipping away, the saddness is like a cloud you carry with you.
Im sorry to hear that there are so many of us in this situation.

colleen said...

Hi Tracey
Yes, it is really sad that we have all been blindsided this way.

You can stumble and fall on this rock which has been placed in your way or you can use it as a stepping stone - the choice is yours.

Be strong.

love
Colleen

Shine said...

Hi all,

Thank you everyone for your comments. I have found them very encouraging and I feel for those of you in the early stages of separation. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Nevertheless I have grown so much as a person, for the better.

My husband left me three months ago. I have been through the worst stage but have been helped enormously by reading lots, talking to friends and a counsellor and writing in a journal. I have recently come to see that my husband suffers considerably from 'shy' narcissism and is encouraged in his self-centred ways by his narcissistic mother. Understanding what that means has made me realise he may never return and, if he does, it will never be the reciprocal, loving and giving marriage I thought it would be. He still comes around regularly to mow and do house stuff but it's a bittersweet experience - I long to see him but don't receive anything emotionally from him when he's here. I use every opportunity to show him I love him so I can be true to myself and be the best I can be in the relationship. I don't know how long this will or should go on for. My work keeps me busy and happy through the week, but I miss him so much on weekends. I have two daughters aged 11 and 19 from a previous marriage living at home.

colleen said...

Hello Shine
Well done for coping so well after only 3 months. A journal is a wonderful way of letting your emotions out and the support of friends is invaluable.

Mine also pops in and out as he pleases, still brings his washing. I have been in this sick place for 10 months now, not knowing if he was coming back or not. In December I uncovered his devious lies and am now entering divorce proceedings.

My emotions have finally switched to anger and disdain which I find easier to deal with because I have finally realized this is not my fault.

I pray your situation works out for you. Unfortunately if he has made up his mind - then that's it. Be strong.

Go in love and peace
love Colleen

Shine said...

Hi Colleen,

Thanks so much for your encouragement. I realise that my feelings will gradually change with time and I will find things easier to deal with. At present I am feeling deceived, let down and abandoned. My counsellor encouraged me to see that I was being quite resiliant and it is my husband who has the problem. I need to remember this and not become bitter in my disappointment. I would like to remember this part of my life (7 years) as the start of something that could have been beautiful and continuing if only he was willing to put the effort and commitment in. All I can do is my best, and if the other person isn't willing to do the same, you can't blame yourself - you've done all you can.

You get so used to living as part of a couple that it's hard to live without the other. I'm finding encouragement in watching movies or reading books with strong and happy single female characters. They inspire me to think about how I can develop my character and spend my time in positive, helpful and beautiful ways. I have also booked a visit to see a friend in another state in my next holidays. It gives me something to look forward to and will put some perspective into my life.

God bless.

Tracey said...

Hi everyone
Im feeling stronger today, by trying to keep positive. Having 7 hrs sleep last night has improved my outlook. Today is a good day tomorrow might not be but you have got to go with the way you feel each day. Im glad i am not seeing my ex like some of you are on a regular basis,this would make it much harder. Im trying to think of ways iam better off without him each day and not focus on the good and this is helping a lot.
I have been reading all our stories and the one thing what sticks out is that the men seem to think that they have all the strings and we are puppets in there world. Why do we let them do this? They walk away without a care and leave us to pick up the pieces, then think they can come back if they want. Im with shine and its the men who have the problem not us. We need to remember we are strong and to look forward not back at what could have been. Writing this down helps very much. Thankyou all.

colleen said...

Hi there Shine
Keep up the good work, you certainly sound like you have a level head on your shoulders.

I haven't been able to concentrate on a book for 10 months, as an avid reader, it has been awful. I'm going to try read tonight, it does take your mind off things.

Tracey, you're right about them walking away without a care - mine had the audacity to be annoyed with me today because I did not invite him to the beach with us - really - and for what reason would I want to do that?

Go in love and Peace
love Colleen

Tracey said...

Hi ladies
Well yesterday started out so good, bumped into my inlaws who are on my side, realised that in my heart all i want is to sort my marriage out. But it takes 2 to do this and im the only one who wants it. Didnt sleep well all i thought of was him,feel very alone and unloved. Wish time would go faster so i can get to a better place where im not thinking of him every second of the day. I feel today like my cloud is heavier than ever. When will my pain end?

Shine said...

Hi Tracey,

I know what you mean about thinking about him every second of the day. I spent months madly trying to make sense of what had happened as well as thinking about what he might be thinking, doing, feeling...it's enough to drive you to distraction! Eventually I allowed myself an hour of thinking when I first woke up and again at night, and I wrote and wrote in my journal. It was good to get it out and down on paper. My thoughts changed every day. The rest of the time I would try and focus on what I was actually doing at the time.

I still write in my journal and phone my friends but not as much. With time, reflection and talking to others about it, things will become clearer and you will have a sense of peace about your role in this. You will start to feel better about yourself and the good things you can do without him. You won't be as dependent on him being in your life (I can't believe I am actually writing this!)

Reach out to friends or make new ones; see a therapist. My faith in God has been an amazing help to me.
If you want to work things out, see that as a sign of strength, despite how he feels. You can hold your head high. Keep walking!

Shine said...

Hi Colleen,

Thanks for your encouragement. You'll laugh about the beach incident one day. After my last joint therapy session in which my husband told me he definitely didn't want to be married anymore, to me or to anyone, he became very affectionate and told me it had been a long time since he'd had sex...go figure!

I must admit that most of my reading has been non-fiction (marriage-related, spiritual, inspirational). I bought a magazine which I used to enjoy and found I wasn't interested in reading it at all. I find it hard to do things 'for me' unless they involve other people, like having coffee with a friend. In time I suppose those solitary pursuits will become attractive again. Good luck with the reading!

Tracey said...

Thankyou Shine
This site gives me hope for the future. I know that each day i will get stronger and there will be bad days and good days but it feels like a very long road at the moment. I try not to think of my ex too much but sometimes it is very hard not too.
Its hard to think he has moved on without a care in the world and is getting on with his life. While i have to keep going and look after the kids and try and fuction as normal as possible while feeling like putting one foot in front of the other is so hard.
I put so much into my marriage that he has taken half of me with him.
I know that he is the one with a problem, he as left to find the greener grass but its never no greener it just looks that way from a distance. This is what im trying to tell myself anyway.
Hopefully tomorrow will be a good day, positive thoughts will hopefully help me.
I am going to try your idea shine and try to limit myself to an hour in the morning and an hour a night to think about my ex.

KEEP SMILING

Anonymous said...

I just read all of your posts and I am struck by the similarity of our stories.
In November, I took my husband of 16 years into the car for privacy from our three kids (7,8,15). I had suspected that he was having an affair and wanted to find out the truth. After asking many questions this way and that way to get some kind of answer, he denied the affair but told me that he didn't love me any more and hadn't for a long time. His love would not return. Not only that, but it was all my fault. I was shocked. I felt like I was in a parallel universe. I knew at that moment that not only was he having an affair but that it was serious. His allegience had changed from me to her. My husband became a stranger to me. We agreed that since the kids' birthdays and Christmas we would wait to tell them that we would split. He slept in the attic, continued to sneak around(computer), and deny his affair. It was a horrible nightmare. I lost 15 pounds in 2 weeks. However, him having to stay allowed me to see that his actions were not my fault. I went from blaming myself to realizing that he had lost his mind or his sense of good judgement. His insensitivity was ridiculous . When my eldest son asked about his father sleeping upstairs I told him that we were breaking up. I then told my husband that since his was the last birthday that he should tell the younger ones and then get out. He said he had nowhere to go. I said go stay with a friend or with your girl friend. Again he denied. I couldn't wait for him to leave so that I could have peace. Finally I found out who he was seeing. I couldn't have been more shocked(and pleasantly so). It is a girl who he was training at the gym he used to own (and our son attends). She is 31, is tall and skinny. She has long white girl dreads like a sqiggy girl or grunge style. She is also not very bright. Now I know for sure he has lost his mind. Good riddance to him and good luck to her because if he would do this to me (his sweetie and the mother of his children) he will absolutely do it to her. He finally moved out in January and is a much more attentive father now. He comes every morning to bring the kids to school and cooks supper 4 nights aweek. He even tells me not to do th dishes that he will (?). I am feeling much better. I work out 4-5 times a week and have more free time than I have had in 15 years. Too bad it couldn't have been like this before. My only problem is that now I have to find things to go out and do because I don't want to see his face.

Happy Mom

colleen said...

Hello Anonymous
Wow! our stories are so similar. Except mine denied it for so long and kept me on a string. You sound like you've got your head together - well done! I haven't been to the gym since June. Excercise does wonders and I know I should even be walking, but my heart is just not in it.

I cannot bear the sight of him when he constantly pops in. Right now I am fighting the fear of losing my home and he just does not care. Who is this person? Like yours - he has gone for a plain looking woman with 2 smaller kids. He has also thrown in my face that I never showed him love - they will justify their sick actions to the end.

Please watch out for your children - mine cut himself though pain. Your children are very vulnerable and need counselling - even school counselling with help.

I think my boys are though the worst (14 & 17) and have lost all respect for their father.

Thinking of you
Go in love and peace
love Colleen

Shine said...

Hi Colleen,

Why does your husband keep 'popping in'? Is he doing house maintenance? If so, perhaps he could come when you know you won't be at home. And definitely ask him to let you know if he intends coming first - that's a basic courtesy to anyone. Mine went to our home during the day to do some overdue jobs (which was good) without letting me know. I was at work. It seems silly but I felt as though my privacy had been invaded, particularly since my daughter could have been home and taken unawares. I asked him to let me know next time and he was fine with that. I don't imagine he would want me turning up to his 'sanctuary' without warning or while he's not there!

It really is difficult trying to reconcile their selfish behaviour with memories of loving things they have said and done in the past. I don't think it will ever make sense. I can't believe this has happened to me; it's surreal, like a terrible nightmare that you want to wake up from but can't. But it has happened and I have to walk through it and on. The hurt we are feeling and reluctance (on my part) to want to move on is a sign of our authentic love, and that is a good thing. You can't feel hurt by someone you haven't been emotionally attached to on a deep level. For someone to walk away and knowingly cause great hurt to another is a sign of self-centredness, not love.

Keep walking, and God bless.

colleen said...

Hi Shine
He pops in to drop off his laundry, he feels as he pays the domestic he is entitled to do so. He pops in after work to see the boys for 15 minutes or so. He does as he pleases. I changed the remotes for the gate and he just took my sons one.

No, he does no any repairs and shows no interest in the house at all. I am busy painting, varnishing on my own.

For 10 months I was in a nightmare because I couldn't understand why he had done this. I only found out about the other woman in December. I feel as though I am living someone else's life - not mine.

Now I feel nothing and just want him out of my life. I cannot bear the sight of him. For my boys sake I am polite.

He is a manipulative compulsive liar who has planned this. I am meeting again with my lawyer tomorrow.

The stress is taking its toll. I wake each morning at 3am. Some days good, some days bad. I so wish I could fast forward my life by one year.

Go in love and peace
Colleen

Shine said...

Colleen,

Hang in there. Sounds like you are doing the right thing by seeing your lawyer and getting him out of your life ASAP. I hope all goes well tomorrow.

Anonymous said...

Colleen,
I have good days and bad days. Sometimes I have good minutes and bad minutes. I'm still so hurt. It sounds as if a load would be lifted if you didn't have to see your ex. I can so relate. I feel as if I am seeing a ghost where my husband used to be when he is at our house. You should really try working out. You have to push hard to get yourself started but then you feel so much stronger and you will sleep better. The added benefit is that you will whip yourself into shape, you'll feel great and he'll eat his heart out.

Happy Mom

Anonymous said...

Shine,

I had the same issue with the father of my children. he was showing up all the time. Once I was in my pyjamas. I calmly told him that this was my space and that I wanted to know when I was going to have company, that I couldn't just walk into his space. He was good with that but is still here way too often. I am patient for the kids but if it wasn't for them I would never see him again and would not allow his name to be spoken in my presence.

Happy Mom

Anonymous said...

Shine,

I had the same issue with the father of my children. he was showing up all the time. Once I was in my pyjamas. I calmly told him that this was my space and that I wanted to know when I was going to have company, that I couldn't just walk into his space. He was good with that but is still here way too often. I am patient for the kids but if it wasn't for them I would never see him again and would not allow his name to be spoken in my presence.

Happy Mom

Anonymous said...

Cathy here... welcome to the site. I have been away for a few days and have just got caught up with everyone. I was married for 31 years ... loyal and faithful, two lovely children and then there was HIM. Unfaithful, liar, the list goes on. Last April his mistress turned up in my livingroom ... she came to visit HIM ...surprise he had a wife. He told her his wife was dead. He swore ... she swore it was off ... he moved in basement to give me space. Aug 21st I found out it was not off. Kicked him out. He had no job and had drained every dime we had, Now he is sueing me for support and half my pension. In the hands of the lawyer. Where I live the laws are non judgemental ... don't care about who done it ... it's all about equalization. Guess what ,,, I have to pay him support. My children will have nothing to do with him and he has replaced them with her family. People ask me how i can go on. Well ... my life is a whole lot happier without him. My kids said it was the best Xmas they had in years without HIM. I have wonderful friends ... hi there Colleen who have loved me through this. I have a wonderful therapist.. thank God for her ... I have God. HIM lives in another city. I don't have to look at him. When he left I didn't know who I was. Now I do and I like me. It took awhile to say that. I felt degraded and dirty. I was abused in may ways ... many deceptive underhanded ways. He is sick like so many have said. When I quit giving him so much rent space for free in my head I became me. I figured the best way to get even was to be happy. It's hard and I'm not perfect and there are days I want to rip the heads off of baby sparrows ao to speak. Fortunately those days aren't every day. This site has saved my sanity I swear. I listened and did some of the things suggested ... hey it couldn't hurt anymore than I was. No matter how you get through this horror is an accomplishment. Just as long as you get through. Thoughts are with all those struggling and know we are not alone.
Love to all
Cathy

Anonymous said...

Thank you strong ladies for sharing your stories. Now I know I'm not alone.

Happy Mom

colleen said...

Hi Happy Mom
Welcome and thank you for your advice and help. I've been on the site since June and thought I'd come such a long way, but I seem to be stepping backwards now.

You are soooo right. If it were not for my boys I would have nothing to do with him at all. A couple of months after he left I revamped my wardrobe and myself and felt empowered for a while. I know you are right about the exercise but my heart is heavy 24/7. It's not about him anymore but the fear of coping financially on my own. He is trying to screw me after all the years I have worked - I have nothing in my name.

Cathy, my darling friend. We live on opposite ends of the world, yet you are always there for me 24/7. Despite all your hardships, you still can see the humour in life - what an amazing gift! Without your sound and non-judgemental advice I would be in a straight jacket now - looking at the moon!

To all my other friends out there - keep strong and believe in yourself - we will all get through this one day.

Go in love and peace
Colleen
http://all4women2day.blogspot.com/

Anonymous said...

Colleen,

I'm so sorry about your financial trouble on top of everything. I don't understand how people can do such terrible things to someone who loves them and who they once loved. I find it most disheartening. As far as slipping back, from what I understand in talking to others, it takes about 1-2 years to feel "normal" again. I wish you lots of strength for your financial fight. Remember, "and this too shall pass".

Happy Mom

Tracey said...

Hi everyone

It so bad that we are all suffering at the hands of these men. We have got to put ourselves first for once and try and put them to the back of our minds.

I am lucky even though my ex has gone, i have been supporting us both so now he has gone it has eased for me.

He doesnt want to see the kids and as moved to another area so i dont have to bump into him which is helping me very much. The kids are adjusting to him not being here, i think this is due to him distancing himself from us before he went but its one day at a time.

When im alone i try not to think of him but its hard, im trying to read and watch telly, this helps sometimes.

I read an article on the internet yesterday and it said to think of all the positve things you can do now your ex has gone and to think that when one door closes another opens, i believe things happen for a reason and the future is looking brighter without these men who have abused us mentally for months or years.

So now when i think about my ex im trying to think about what i am able to do without him and even though i feel like crying i put a smile on my face, it is helping. I put makeup on and nice underwear and dress in my new smaller clothes.

Happy thoughts to you all keep smiling and one day it wont be an act.

Shine said...

Sorry ladies, this time I have to vent. I knew that tonight would be difficult. He wanted to come for my daughter's birthday dinner. He was happy, polite, brought drinks and a present, but I am sick of this charade. AND his mother rang tonight to wish my daughter a happy birthday and see 'how I'm getting on' - this is the mother who encouraged her son to get out and 'look after himself' (Aagh!)

I actually took the opportunity twice tonight to tell him how I've actually been feeling - that I can't pretend we haven't had a past, that I still love him and reminded him that we had a future; that I believed all the things he said in the past - that he loved me and had made me feel I was the most loved woman in the world, and now he had just dropped me and taken off the mask. He said he hadn't felt like the most loved man in the world and he didn't think he could trust me again to make him feel like that. Well, I acknowledged that I couldn't do anything about that. Trust was essential to a marriage, and while I may not have always made him feel like that in the past I had tried and wanted to keep trying. I also said that love was about wanting to give, not being in it for what you could get. He suggested that maybe we should see the therapist again (why? So I can hear him reject me again?) I said I would like to talk about things, and at that point his train arrived and he 'had to leave'. He refused my offer to drive him home tonight. I think he realised that alongside of my forgiveness of him I am still hurting and I think the anger part of grieving is starting to make itself present on me.

He's got involved in a couple of groups to do with his interests and honestly seems to be doing just fine. An increasing part of me never wants to see him again.

There - thanks for letting me rage.

Colleen, I feel for your concerns about your finances. It is much harder to make ends meet when there are children involved. Remember, you only have to get through today. Try not to worry about tomorrow. Blessings to you.

colleen said...

Dear Shine
Don't apologize for venting - we all do it and need it! You should hear me off line!!

What he is doing to you is exactly what mine did to me. Acted the perfect host in MY home when I had Christmas and my sons birthday party. I also begged him not to go, I begged him not to say anything to my boys, told him how I had always loved him and that I thought we were soul mates, but no - he had made up his mind. He also told me that he had not felt any love from me, firstly he had been unhappy for 6 months, then 12 months, then 5 years, then 10 years, now forever and that I am his best friend and loves me dearly, but as a sister.

He also spoke to his sisters (parents are deceased), my family and close friends that we had "grown apart" and WE had decided to have a break. All lies. I had no choice in the matter. People are terribly shocked as we were the golden family who everyone looked up to.

When he moved out, it was to a very luxurious apartment living the high life with his girlfriend. Pity he got bust!

My son started cutting, he told me psychologists were exaggerating. He still continued with his life. All about him.

Had a huge fight on Monday evening, told me at least he is enjoying and "living his life", "has someone who shows him love" and "I need to get a life". Big mistake on his part. My life is my children. If I wanted I could certainly act like the slut he is.

Lawyer was pleased this morning as I had kept every slip spent each month and typed up my expenses diligently. I have all my facts. He has spent money like water and I have had nothing other than a roof over my head. I also contribute to the running of the home. Action is starting to happen. She has been served her summons. I am hitting hard as we believe he is hiding assets. After 23 years I deserve more respect. We will be in high court in approx. 6 weeks. Thank goodness I have saved for 15 years, so I have a little money to start the legal process.

Tracey - you are doing really well. I also managed to keep a front up about 3 months ago, but the stress is starting to take its toll. I'm afraid. I'm angry. I'm protective over my boys. Again - where is this man I loved?

I have no desire to think about him or want him back. That's gone. To think he tried to reconcile during January, telling me he would wait as long as it took. Liar - he played on my soft spot so he could buy time.

Well, I was the fool. They are still together.

Well ladies, that's my vent for the day - I'm off to the beach with my boys now - it's 4pm and a beautiful day!

Love you all and thanks for all the advice.

Go in love and Peace
Colleen

Anonymous said...

Cathy here ... don't feel you need to apologize for venting .... better to get it out than leave it inside to fester. Heaven only knows I've done it ... many times ... still do.

I know when I was married and in the last phases there was nothing I could do to please him. I turned myself inside out and tried everything in the book. It was never right. I would beg him to make love and I just gave him the power to reject me. It's not something I'm proud of. In the end I did not matter. The two of them mattered. I place the responsibility on both of them. It took two to create this scenerio. She is more than happy that he does not see his children. She has even declared her grandchildren as his and thrown it in my daughter's face. So yes I agree that men are able to cut themselves off emotionally but he certainly had some help.
That's my vent for the day ladies.
Take care and love to all
Cathy

Tracey said...

Hi girls

Today im feeling confused, y did he go? how can he not want to contact me? With all my heart i want him to contct me and i wake up from this nightmare. I know it wont happen but just feel so alone and empty inside. How can someone who says you are there life and world and would be with me forever so how can he just walk away weeks later i dont understand. I know its his problem and not mine but its still hard to move on.

How can they turn their emotions off? I wish i could turn mine off too.

He wont talk to me and im not going to contact him but it would be nice to get some answers to my questions.

He has even stopped talking to his family as well. So he has cut us all out of his life. All so he can go out to pub when he wants. How old is he he 17? no 43. My 20 year old son says he is behaving like a teenager.

They say men never grow up so i think this must be true when you hear all of us saying nearly the same things. They wont tell the truth, they find it too hard to stay and fight so they run away and take the easy option.

COWARDS.

Leave us to pick up the pieces from our kids then ourselves, and to sort our finances out. They try and lay the blame with us and have it so easy.

Must be time for us all to vent my emotions are up and down today.

Im off to dentist today we all have an appointment even him so i dont know whether he will turn up. On one hand i want him too but on the other i dont. Im making sure i look good so if he does he will see what he has lost.

Look after yourselves.xx

Tracey said...

Hi everyone

Just got back from dentist feel so lonely and upset. I thought he would be there and he wasnt, friends think im better of without him and dont understand how i am feeling, so cant tell them how upset i am that he wasnt there. I havent seen him for over 3wks this is so painfull even though i am trying to get on all i can think about is him. Y am i doing this to myself?

I know what i need to do but it is so hard to move on without him by myside.

All my hopes and dreams have gone and i feel there isnt anythink to look foward to.

Sorry needed to get that off my chest.

colleen said...

Hi Tracey
So sorry you're having a bad day. It is a long and painful road. I read a passage in a book today that has given me comfort.

God will never give you more than you can cope with.

Sometimes the pain is so bad you truly feel you can't go on, but for your kids you have to. Eventually in time you will heal. One day at a time.

Remember we are all here for you. You are not alone.

lots of love
Colleen

Anonymous said...

I wish I could stop thinking about him and hurting. I felt better before when I had the attitude that she had only won a liar and a cheater, but now I feel myself slipping back and thinking of the early years and how happy we were. Have any of you ladies had the experience of your ex knowing that you are dating? How was it taken?

Happy Mom

colleen said...

Dear Happy Mom
Yes, most of us are seeing them dating other women. It hurts like hell because you have been replaced - its that simple. Your emotions are happy one day and rock bottom the next. There is nothing you can do except try and hang on to your sanity. Just when you think you are "coping", a memory will jump up and bite you in the back - this is going to be a long road.

For a long time you are in denial because it is too much for your brain to cope with. You are also asking yourself - what did I do wrong? and why didn't I do more? Well, it is not you! They are emotionally immature and felt tied down in the rut of a marriage while we are busy focusing on our kids and running the home. So what do they do - look for someone that makes them feel important - it is all about their ego!

Josh Groban cd's help me when I'm really low as well as inspirational readings. I have a lot of bad days. I wake up with a knot in my stomach and it just grows bigger and bigger throughout the day turning into panic attacks. I can't stop them. When that happens I sit quietly and meditate to connect with God. It does help.

Remember a prayer in the morning asking for help and protection for yourself and your children. It's so simple, but we always forget to do so.

I would love to rub a "date" in his face, but at this stage I don't want to give him any ammunition to use against me. Besides I'm soooo off men! My brother lives with me and I have my boys - thats all I need right now.

Go in love and peace
Colleen

colleen said...

Dear Tracey
Also want to tell you that in the beginning mine went to his family and close friends that WE had grown apart and it is so sad, then pulled away from his family and had no contact.

He told no-one the true reason - that there was someone else. He gave his version of his unhappiness and how much he loved me. They all felt sorry for him.

Now that the truth is out, he claims he has only just met her - I have proof of a 2 year affair.

They do this for sympathy, so they do not look like the bad ones, then they pull back as they cannot face any questions. They do not have the emotions we do with our family and children.

We carried those children inside our bodies and from the moment of conception we had a bond. All they did was have a few minutes of pleasure. They do not have the same bond. I see this very clearly now.

I have only reached the anger point now after 10 months of being at rock bottom, and remember - for 10 months I had no idea why he had left. I believed him that he just needed some "time out" and would come back.

My eyes are finally open to what he has done to me and my boys. It is totally unacceptable. It is sick. I do not deserve this. I think of him as dirty. I do not want him back.

Hang in there and keep talking - I work from home as a graphic designer, so I am always on-line.

lots of love
Colleen

colleen said...

Dear Trace
Sorry - one more thing. In 5 years time my dreams were the two of us to travel together. I was looking forward to that. He knew that. It's all gone up in a puff of lies and deceit. She will now benefit from that.

For 23 years I had a lazy, selfish husband who was raised on a farm with about 8 domestics. He did nothing. Never washed a dish or cooked an egg. Now I smile - he cooks and cleans. Who is this person? I pray that when THEY are together he reverts to what I had to live with.

Financially I am afraid, very afraid, as I allowed everything to be in his name. Thank goodness I had saved a little to pay for my legal fees.

To all the women out there:
Save a little every single month in a seperate account. You never know what is going to happen.

Go in love and peace
Today is going to be a good day for us all.
love
Colleen

Tracey said...

Thankyou all for all your kind words and encouragement.

I know all of you are right, he is spineless and a coward but you cant help how you feel which is the hardest part.

I did everything for my ex to, all he did was sit on the coach and watch the tv, with laptop on from when he got in from work till he went to bed. He then moaned if he had to empty the bin.

I try and think of the bad things and not the good so i can move on, but then as colleen says a good time will jump up and bite you.

I was with my relatives yesterday and they where all talking about there husbands and i felt like an outsider that i couldnt join in. I know they didnt think but its hard to cope with, when you have been left by your ex.

Its saturday again tomorrow, seeing all those happy couples out and about nightmare. Got to take my son to his football match not been for 3 wks dreading it. last time i went i felt like a leper and the other couples avoided me as if i had something contagious or i might steal there husbands.
Dont they know that is the furthest thing from my mind.

I wish i could wake up from my nightmare and all would be well. Or wake up and all my feelings had gone, one day hopefully this will be true.

There is only one way to go now and that is up but it is a slow road with holes and large curves to keep knocking us back.

keep trying to smile

Love Tracey

colleen said...

Dear Tracey
Yes, you are in a nightmare, not of your choice.

Now, you go to the football match. You put a smile on your face and hold your head up high. Be friendly with the other women and talk to them. If they ask, tell them you are hurting but fine.

People are kind and understanding. No-one is looking at you oddly, they probably just don't know what to say.

If you want to feel like an outsider and a leper - then you will. Give off negative vibrations and you will receive them back - Give off positive vibrations and a smile - you will receive so much back.

Do yourself up, square your shoulders back and GO! You can do this. By hiding away - you are the only loser.

love Colleen

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