Sunday, July 5, 2009

put one foot in front of the other and go

...and then keep going. some of my days are hard all day, some of them will be. some of them are barely detectable as hard, so far those days are few and far between, but i'm pretty sure there have been some.

this is just a little update, a little what's going on...

school is going well, i honestly enjoy it, and the homework load is not unbearable. i was ambivalent about the women in transitions program, because i was afraid it would just be a bunch of f*ck-ups having some horrible group therapy session...when i was imagining that i forgot that we're all there because we're ready for change, we're ready to actually DEAL with our transitions. so, it's actually a very positive environment, with a lot of support and a lot of tools and a sort of resource hub. we're all there because our lives weren't working, for various reasons, AND we're ready to create lives for ourselves that will work...we don't just want to survive, we want to thrive, and it's a great place to see that you can. when R. first left someone told me i should move in with my dad, take care of the kids during the day, and get a job--any job--at night...of course i wasn't even invited to move in with dad, nor did i want to, and it just didn't make sense to me to create a LIFE of struggle, by getting any menial job i could (in this economy?!) and just continuing to do that for the next 16 years, or even the next 4 years, until jubal could go to school...when i could go back to school now, get skills in a field that is actually thriving right now, and which i honestly love and show aptitude for. i think it might have been the worst advice i was ever offered--fortunately, i rarely listen to advice. everything is going so smoothly in the school arena of my life that there is absolutely no room for doubt in my mind: i made the right choice.

the kids are doing quite well. that's not to say it isn't hard and painful for them, it is, and i try to remind them through words and action every single day that they did not deserve this, they did nothing to invoke it, and that I WILL NEVER LEAVE THEM. it is their pain and discomfort which feeds my small fire of hatred toward R. i try not to foster it, and i try not to feed it on purpose, and i try to remember that he didn't do it on purpose (by which i mean getting into a family when he really didn't want to, or only thought he wanted to, or whatever)...but that fact that he doesn't want to, and won't, participate 50% in their lives, in their care, etc...well, he IS doing that on purpose, and it's just plain wrong. so the small fire burns.

the homestead is thriving. mom comes every week to tend the kids and does mindblowing amounts of house- and yard work. the lawn gets mowed and weed-eaten, the garden gets watered, the floors are always clean, the dishes done, the laundry folded. it really is insane, i'd be lost in a sea of laundry, dust bunnies and weeds if it wasn't for her. when she's not here, everything falls apart until sunday, when i put it back together again. dad came over today to look at my deck, which needs replacing, or at least repairing, and it feels good to think about that being fixed and safe again. i fantasize about grilling out there and eating pleasant summer dinners, with my north garden for a view.

the only thing not thriving yet is my social life, which is just going to take time. it takes time to make friends. i remind myself of this constantly, because i am so lonely and moorless...i'm eager for activities that are about ME, not just megan the mom of three, but megan the woman, the artist, the funny, vivacious, sweet lady...i'm feeling impatient, but i realize it will happen. everything happens eventually.

i am grateful for:

my dad and beckie
my mom
loki and matt and ronan
my capability
my flickr buddies, who fill in the gaps of lonliness a little bit