Wednesday, August 19, 2009

divorced

it's official. and bizarrely anti-climactic. you just sign some papers and show up in ex-parte, wait in line, the judge glances at the papers and signs and then says you're divorced "as of now"...strange. it wasn't enough hoopla for us, or for me, anyways, so we went to breakfast at brails, which was pretty good.

i think we'll always be quite dear friends and that's plenty for me. i will always love him, and i am deeply grateful to not be married to him anymore.

i feel: sad, sorry, relieved, bittersweet, heartachey, mellow, done...

i am grateful for:

self-help court proceedings
the friendship we've managed to maintain
coffee
love in all forms
peace

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

i am transformed


worm progress
Originally uploaded by hedgenettle
i finally got my first tattoo. it's been about a month now since i got it and i'm still pleased, still glad i did it, still satisfied...and know that i want more.

i've wanted an earthworm tattoo for a couple of years now as a way to cover up a teen-angst related forearm scar, but never got around to getting it. once rodney left it seemed like a great time to finally commit to the ink.

the earthworm is meaningful to me because it embodies transformation--the activity of transforming something, not just being transformed (for which i might have chosen a mid-transition frog or the classic butterfly)--but actually doing it--taking shit (garbage, food scraps, whatever) and turning it into a rich and precious resource. the kind of transformative energy that has been a huge part of my life lately...it seems i always have some kind of word, phrase, or idea that is the flavor of my life for a period of time. a few years ago it was bittersweet, now it's transformation...turning shit to gold is still a bittersweet concept--there's the shit to contend with, after all--but i like the activity of it, the personal responsibility, the movement. i'm not just commentating on the bittersweet nature of my existence. i'm changing it.

i'm doing it.

i'm grateful for:

words
jimmy, the awesome tattoo artist (check the flickr link for more tattoo shots, including one of jimmy)
jamyson, my new beau, with whom i'm happily enjoying the "romance stage"
myself, for getting--i think--an 'A' in cs 120, despite the misery it caused
my children, for being

Monday, August 17, 2009

my life philosophy paper for my life transitions class

I am a strong and capable person. I admire creativity and kindness in myself and others. I love to explore life using all of my senses, noticing and questioning my perceptions. I am a mother, a friend, a lover, a daughter, and a woman. I am becoming a patient mother, an observant friend, a reciprocal partner, a self-sustaining woman and parent, and an understanding daughter. I am whole and I am growing.

I believe in the intrinsic goodness of all beings. I believe that everyone does the best they can with what they have. I believe that it is valuable to take nothing personally and to take responsibility for my decisions, choices, and actions. I believe that freedom is a higher good than safety. And I believe that is imperative to do the right thing. I value truth, honesty, respect, loyalty, and kindness. I choose to let truth be the guiding force of my life—above all else, I require honesty of myself and others. I choose to treat everyone with the same respect I believe that I deserve. I believe that kindness and understanding are the best first reactions to 95 percent of all situations. I value family, personal relationships, and integrity above material goods and passing trends. I believe that it is usually the right thing to choose that which is best for the greater good over that which is best for one person. I believe that I have a right to happiness.

I am motivated by a desire to live in a world that is sustainable, physically and socially; by love for life; by passion; and by a drive to create a thriving world for my children to explore and fall in love with. I am inspired by justice, creativity, dirt, people, beauty, truth, the natural world, discussions, ideas, art, music, the written word, the innocence of children, the wryness of adults, and the force of life moving through all beings.

I take responsibility for my life. I do this by owning my decisions, being truthful with myself and others, examining my mistakes for areas of improvement, seeking help when I don’t know how to do something so that I can learn to do it correctly, accepting the consequences of my decisions, sharing information I have with others, cleaning up after myself in the world, using resources wisely, behaving in a manner I can respect, asking for what I need, admitting when I’ve done something wrong or made a mistake, and owning the ground I walk on.

I have a purpose in this life. I am raising three children to know what healthy love is, to know how to learn, to take responsibility for their lives, to know their own beauty, to pursue their own happiness, to respect others, to respect themselves, to require respect from others, to respect the earth and the force of life. I set an example for my children and others of strength, patience, kindness, silliness, love, fun, self-acceptance, personal responsibility, joy for life, passion, kindness, and growth. May my example inspire my children and others to live lives of truth and joy.

I want to live in a world that is just. I want to live in a world that is fair. I want to live in a world where passion matters, kindness rules, a sense of humor is regarded more highly than a perfectly arched eyebrow, and where all life is treated with respect and honor. I want to live in a world that is healthy, on a planet that is treated with respect, in a community that believes in equality, and in a home that celebrates all that life has to offer us. I want to live in a world that is growing, changing, moving, playing, thriving, and full of love.

I will leave the world a better place. I will spread my influence in several ways—By raising beautiful children into responsible adults. By infiltrating mass media culture with my subtle art and design. By voting with my dollars about what matters to me (fair trade, organic, sustainable). By living a life that is in concert with my values and dreams. By teaching those around me to create the lives they want for themselves—and by showing them it is possible. I will leave the world a better place by being a good mother, daughter, friend, lover, and woman.

Monday, August 3, 2009

sometimes love is conditional

in a moment of physical and mental exhaustion, i let something private slip to the wrong person. i won't go into detail here--as i mentioned, it's something private...but it's something i've always known and have never shared, but have recently been briefly exploring in my super-helpful and blessing-laden counseling sessions. when someone who has always been my friend, supporter, and champion asked me about it, i went ahead and said. it's hard, and it's a burden, and i was vulnerable and had my guard down. it's not information i've ever intended to DO ANYTHING with, or even to share, really, except for to deal with my own personal consequences, process some *stuff*, and finally move on from.

my moment of rawness felt like a small pebble, but was more like a meteor. it has crashed into my world, and the world of some of those who love me most, or who i thought loved me most, or both. both. my relationship with my confidant is altered. it's strange and awkward and guarded. another family member has disowned me. who knew people still did that? no conversation. no this is my version, this is your version, how do we cope with this...just "i'm never going to see or talk to you again."

with the flip of a switch, i'm altered forever in their minds. i'm accused. i'm unkind. i'm a liar. i'm an accuser. i'm not worth knowing.

how quickly you can go from being loved and supported to being evil and wrong and worthless. how tenuous our connections can be, even when they seem strong and thick, woven of love and sinew. how much of what we think is just based on perceptions that can be so wrong. how much family is an idea in my mind and not necessarily supported by fact. how many different ideas of truth.

it makes me think of all my connections...what does it take? what can i do that will forever mar me in someone's eyes and heart? who will REALLY love me forever? where am i ACTUALLY safe?

it feels like tiredness. it feels like muscles being torn. it feels like disappointment. it feels like i should never, ever trust anyone. it feels like i was right to be afraid of everything. it feels like anger. it feels like injustice. it feels surreal.

i am grateful for:
bread
juice
rocks
tomatoes
rodney, who was the only one i could call (besides dad) and who readily said it was f*cked up and i didn't deserve it.