sometimes love is conditional

in a moment of physical and mental exhaustion, i let something private slip to the wrong person. i won't go into detail here--as i mentioned, it's something private...but it's something i've always known and have never shared, but have recently been briefly exploring in my super-helpful and blessing-laden counseling sessions. when someone who has always been my friend, supporter, and champion asked me about it, i went ahead and said. it's hard, and it's a burden, and i was vulnerable and had my guard down. it's not information i've ever intended to DO ANYTHING with, or even to share, really, except for to deal with my own personal consequences, process some *stuff*, and finally move on from.

my moment of rawness felt like a small pebble, but was more like a meteor. it has crashed into my world, and the world of some of those who love me most, or who i thought loved me most, or both. both. my relationship with my confidant is altered. it's strange and awkward and guarded. another family member has disowned me. who knew people still did that? no conversation. no this is my version, this is your version, how do we cope with this...just "i'm never going to see or talk to you again."

with the flip of a switch, i'm altered forever in their minds. i'm accused. i'm unkind. i'm a liar. i'm an accuser. i'm not worth knowing.

how quickly you can go from being loved and supported to being evil and wrong and worthless. how tenuous our connections can be, even when they seem strong and thick, woven of love and sinew. how much of what we think is just based on perceptions that can be so wrong. how much family is an idea in my mind and not necessarily supported by fact. how many different ideas of truth.

it makes me think of all my connections...what does it take? what can i do that will forever mar me in someone's eyes and heart? who will REALLY love me forever? where am i ACTUALLY safe?

it feels like tiredness. it feels like muscles being torn. it feels like disappointment. it feels like i should never, ever trust anyone. it feels like i was right to be afraid of everything. it feels like anger. it feels like injustice. it feels surreal.

i am grateful for:
bread
juice
rocks
tomatoes
rodney, who was the only one i could call (besides dad) and who readily said it was f*cked up and i didn't deserve it.