poem

thinking about you, dear one 158/365 and 56/365
Originally uploaded by hedgenettle

i want you
to come here.
be with me
at home,
where it is light and good.
let me feed you
from my garden
and the music
of
i love you
will play.
we will lie
in bed
amongst the blue.
red passion will bloom
like jasmine
and
be
fine.


the text for the artist book i am designing for my last project in basic design/graphic design. we were given a series of exercises to complete that susan (our instructor) assured us would lead us to know how we wanted our books to be (it did).

i am sooooooo looking forward to this project!


i am grateful for:
words
colors
love
my bed
fire

ruined

ruined 1 154/365
Originally uploaded by hedgenettle

sometimes i feel so ruined. like i've dedicated so much of my life to the wrong things. my body is all distorted, i started my career path too late, i'm old--not really old, as in literally old, but i'm suddenly thirty. for so long i've been 15-20 in my mind, it still surprises me to realize that i'm an adult. i have three kids! i've been parenting for a giant portion of my life, for my entire adult life. i spent so much of my life, nearly my whole life, dedicated to things other than my own self. to men and what they needed, or to school and what that meant i was supposed to do or be. i'm only just discovering who i am, what i want to do and to be. and so it's good that i'm so young--literally, this time. only thirty. i have years to do this life thing. i can take this time to explore who i am, what i want, what i do when there aren't a hundred things i have to do to make someone else's life go smoothly. i feel angry and bitter sometimes, that i willingly gave of myself--my time, my energy, my creativity--to what i thought was my family, to my partners, the men supposed to be living a life in concert with me. and they took what i offered and they didn't reciprocate. they didn't appreciate what i did for them, with them, in honor of them. they didn't deserve me. and i didn't deserve what they did. and i don't say this to blame or accuse. i took part in it, i willingly gave up myself. i did it because i suppose i thought it meant something, because i believed in the family, in the life in concert, in the partnership. it was my own mistake, i claim that responsibility. i have no idea how to move on from here. i have no idea how i will ever trust a man again, or myself to judge reasonably, or trust the idea of partnership, or the hope of a family...which is still a burning urge of mine, to have one of those family unit things, where there is a mom and a dad and some kids, and everyone works together to make a sum grander than all the parts. but one where everyone's dreams are approved of, worked toward. even the mommy. i have no idea if that's even reasonable. do people do that? it seems like they should, but i don't really know...and i don't know how to get it when i feel so totally ruined and used up. how a man could ever want me. how i could ever be vulnerable again. how i could even want what i want. let alone create it or find it or be it. i'm satisfied at the moment, just being myself. being the mom, the student, the artist, the photographer. claiming my space as my own. not worrying just yet about that other stuff. i have this--possibly wrong--notion that all will be revealed when i'm ready, and that all i have to do right now is take care of the present moment, the kids, the studies, the arts, the self. and when i'm ready, and when it's time, something will happen which will be better than whatever i could imagine, or try to hope for, and that when it happens i will see it for what it is and will know what to do.
we shall see.

i am grateful for:
light
movement
sturdiness
cheese
those moments when another person sees you for who you are and detects exactly what you need and serves it to you just so.

the art, the beast, and the universe

wow. it's been months since i've written a thing. mainly because i have absolutely no time for anything...

school is going amazingly well, though i must say that it's impossible. it's impossible to have three kids, no husband, no co-housers or other live-in help...and go to school full time. but i usually end up doing impossible things, so here i go doing it anyways. i have hours upon hours of homework every week. mostly it's art homework, which is unfathomably arduous--i had no idea the effort and discipline involved in living a life of art. it was a hobby before, something i did for fun when the kids were out of my hair. now it's a daily practice. an hours a day daily practice. i love the immersion in imagery, shapes, design, value, edge, color. i love the hours spent covered in charcoal, or newspaper clippings, or graphite, or gouache. i wish it wasn't such a balancing act between mothering and schooling and arting and living and surviving. but it is what it is and we are all coping the best we can. and mostly loving it. sometimes it gets really overwhelming and everything ratchets up intensely and i feel like my mind will blow apart. or my heart. but then it calms again, and i get a breath, a day at the park with the kids, a moment to read something pleasurable...and then it cranks up again. my life is proof that we live in an expanding AND contracting universe.

i still grieve over the loss of my marriage. which is really the end to the hoping that it would be what it was supposed to be and never, ever was. i have to see my ex-husband regularly, to exchange the kids and the child-support checks, or in the halls at school. and that's hard. it would be easier if he didn't keep existing, if i didn't have to watch him live his shiny new life, with his shiny new girl and house. it's hard not to wonder what's wrong with me, why wasn't i good enough, why is this other girl better. most of the time i realize it's him, not me, and i think even he would agree with that. but there are those dark and painful moments when the beast of my losses looms up in my face and growls and scratches and i just want it to end. i just want my dream back. i want someone else to be a part of my routine...to rub my feet while we watch lost after eating the glorious dinner i made for everyone, because i was a stay-at-home mom able to devote all of my energy to nourishing the lives of those i love most and hold dear.

but those moments are not too common anymore, and i am happier, even in those moments, than i was when i was still living in the illusion of marriage, which was a nightmare of loneliness and unworthiness and twisted hope. i have my kids, my friends, my family, my learning experience, my art, my astonishing ability to survive and thrive despite the shit that seems to try to get in my way. and i have myself back, which is something i lost deep in the bowels of that nightmare...and it is lovely to be in possession of my spirit again, to hold myself gently in my own hands to nurture and pet and watch and be.

i am grateful for:

dad, for so many reasons, but especially his continued love and support and for fronting me the money to buy my new imac, which has already vastly improved and streamlined my school/homework experience.

daisy, our foster dog, who shows unconditional love and loyalty, and who it will be sad to see go.

matt, loki, and ronan, who are constantly helping in a million little ways that make my life vastly more comfortable and tasty.

short stories.

lesley, who watches jubal for me and does a wonderful job--making it possible for me to go to school and work and learn, rather than fret and be sick.