intentions

tuesday after school rodney made dinner and asked if i wanted to go to the pub for a while and play some pool. of course i did. we had fun and even one really good game, where i only had one ball left on the table when he beat me. i've never won, except when he somehow fouls hitting the 8 ball and i win by default, which does not count. i took my camera along to "make" a photograph. it's been a while since i fooled around with the manual settings and i thought i might get some interesting slow shutter speed shots. i'm not in love with them, but it was fun and i did get this nifty image with rodney's ghosty form playing billiards. i didn't notice until i dragged it into photoshop to put the B&W adjustment on it that my sweetheart wrote "megan rulz" on the scoreboard. rad. it was nice to bust out the camera and the tripod and photograph stuff with intention, rather than the ill-lit, tungstony, snap-shots i've been taking of late.

today i did all kinds of making stuff. i spent a good three hours finishing the format job on dad's book. one of those classic "this should take 30 mins tops" kind of scenes, where you're, you know, WRONG about that. it was a breathtaking experience, being responsible for it. he's printing through lulu and needed me to upload it for him for some reason i never understood, so when it came time to deliver the files i was confronted with this page of questions to navigate that seemed so very final and important and BIG. i called him and we sorted it out to the best of our abilities, but i must say, i don't think i would publish a book with them. their website is really hard to navigate if you need information, and their response time is sluggish. i'd much rather be face-to-face with a printer who can answer my questions just then and personally address my needs. regardless of my opinion of lulu, it was a really exciting experience for me. i'm so proud of dad. after i did all the formatting i just kept scrolling through the pages looking at how beautifully it looked like A REAL BOOK!!! and getting all butterfly-ey. we still need to upload the cover art, so i get to go through it all again in a few days. when i answered all the questions and uploaded my file and finally pushed "submit" the result was this little, silent, anticlimactic message.

if i ever run an online printhouse i hereby vow that when you submit your first-ever, beautifully formatted, blood and sweat covered manuscript some rad flash of steve martin playing the banjo at the head of the awesomest marching band EVER will scroll across the screen and george carlin will appear knocking at your door, delivering a celebratory cake.

i also made chili today with all the various chili-appropriate left overs in the fridge ( i think i am becoming famous for this ability to turn any kind of left over into some form of soup product ). i used the chilies from our friends bryan and kym's garden that have been drying in a bunch from the kitchen ceiling, accusing me of neglect. we are just about to eat it and i am so ready.

also, hazel and jubal wanted to make oatmeal raisin cookies and we needed brown sugar, so i made that too. you just drizzle some molasses into a running food processor full of sugar until the color suits you. i'd love to go into a whole thing about how much i love raw sugar over white sugar, and dazzle you with my nutritional and humanitarian rights factoids, but lately all i ever have on hand is white sugar, thanks to my southern-born hubface and his sweet-tea addiction. i just let it go. when i'm a rich and famous yippie designer, i promise to only buy organic fair trade raw sugar that was sustainably harvested and transported on the backs of lovingly tended burros. or something.

and speaking of intentions. smoking. so we had the january 1st inferno of cigarettes and cigarette packaging. and then rodney slipped. so i slipped. then we might have been on again and he slipped again. and then we were back on track and he got sick and was in bed for days and i had to do everything myself from morning til night and i cannot adequately express how lovely it was to smoke just a tiny bit while he was sleeping for days on end. and then he was smoking again and breaking a couple other resolutions, and i got fed up with the on again off again crap and delivered an eloquent speech that involved the notion of shitting or getting off the pot, except more refined and passionate sounding and he actually took it to heart and quit for reals. he did this while i was mid-pack, so i stretched it out, smoking a couple times a day, finishing my smokes early monday morning. today i bought another pack. he's been quit for reals for a week today and i'm the horrible one who bought another damn pack. the irony is killing me, since he's the one who was smoking like a pack a day and i'm the one who has painlessly quit smoking at the drop of a hat several times, easily and without fanfare. and now, NOW?! it becomes some stupid challenge that i'm sucking at? frustrating.

i am grateful for:

oranges. i haven't eaten one in, possibly, years, but my friend andrew eats them at school all the time and it inspired me to try one again. yum.

quiet. i'm sure i'll get some sometime and i know it will be lovely.

the new decemberists album, which is very mellow and americana. i'm partial to rox in the box. january hymn is sweet, too.

date night. we'll be seeing the fighter this weekend!

enduring love which sees past irritations, frustrations, disappointment, failures, mistakes, and all the other crap.

i don't know how to do this anymore.

i used to sit down at this screen regularly and everything would flow. i'd hit "publish post" and it'd be out in the world, good, bad, or ugly. i generally have good writing skills, so more often than not it was relatively good.

i don't know how to do this anymore.

when i sit here, nothing flows and i don't know what to say.

i have things i want to talk about, but not the time or energy to go into them in depth.

things i want to talk about:

design

art

paul rand

the fact that my husband came back home

making sweet potato pies for haiti, and how weird and liberal it feels to be doing that (drinking beer for haiti!) (there's a benefit event today at the axe and fiddle to raise money, prayers, love, etc. for the haiti relief cause--which is awesome, don't get me wrong, but also weird.)

and inspired by that:

how the hell DO you help faraway people in distress?

the global world we live in that allows us to even know about earthquakes in haiti. or anywhere else.

the use of fame to forward a cause

the use of art to forward a cause

also:

photography

digital design tools (read: the adobe creative suite)

the fact that my dad wrote a novel and my process of trying to design it

the fact that i lost 55 pounds and what that's like (i just this morning discovered buried jeans in my dresser. i haven't worn JEANS in years. they fit.)

what it's like to allow my husband to come back and how our lives are vastly different than the way they were, while still mind-blowingly familiar and strangely wonderful

and inspired by that:

how the hell do you navigate the re-marriage process--where to do it, who to witness, same date or new date, do you throw a party, etc.?

the fear of the prospect of re-marrying someone who betrayed the family and caused us all so much heartache and pain

the value of having gratitude for all of one's experiences, learning from them, and letting go of the attached pain and resentment because it doesn't serve you

and:

music

the meat purveyors, the decemberists' "hazards of love" album, buying digital files and the resulting loss of disc art and liner notes, the new mix tape

cooking and compromise

how junky can something convenient be before i won't feed it to my kids, the fact that i now eat "fast food" on a semi-regular basis and how weird and shameful that is, missing the slow food movement in my house

love

spring cleaning

sewing

creation

books and how i miss them

to name just a few.

so, now i have a list and maybe i'll consult it and the flow will return.

and a quick life update: rodney came home at the beginning of the year. we let him. it's going well. the garden has miraculously been started (peas and radishes). school is awesome and hard; i'm an A student with a GPA of 3.95; i recently got an A on the first official essay i've ever written (yes, ever!); i'm studying digital design (in-design, photoshop, illustrator), typography, the history of graphic design, and writing (composition and argument type stuff). i've returned to the gym, usually going with rodney, something we enjoy doing together. i'm sore. i still haven't painted the house, but i swear i'm going to this summer! i am in love with my life.

comments are welcome if anyone read one of those topics and wants it to be first.

i am grateful for:

my oven

butter

peace

my family

recovery

mechanical pencils

erasers

tracing paper

good teachers

love

beer

money

my muscles, organs, tendons, skin, and bones

the art, the beast, and the universe

wow. it's been months since i've written a thing. mainly because i have absolutely no time for anything...

school is going amazingly well, though i must say that it's impossible. it's impossible to have three kids, no husband, no co-housers or other live-in help...and go to school full time. but i usually end up doing impossible things, so here i go doing it anyways. i have hours upon hours of homework every week. mostly it's art homework, which is unfathomably arduous--i had no idea the effort and discipline involved in living a life of art. it was a hobby before, something i did for fun when the kids were out of my hair. now it's a daily practice. an hours a day daily practice. i love the immersion in imagery, shapes, design, value, edge, color. i love the hours spent covered in charcoal, or newspaper clippings, or graphite, or gouache. i wish it wasn't such a balancing act between mothering and schooling and arting and living and surviving. but it is what it is and we are all coping the best we can. and mostly loving it. sometimes it gets really overwhelming and everything ratchets up intensely and i feel like my mind will blow apart. or my heart. but then it calms again, and i get a breath, a day at the park with the kids, a moment to read something pleasurable...and then it cranks up again. my life is proof that we live in an expanding AND contracting universe.

i still grieve over the loss of my marriage. which is really the end to the hoping that it would be what it was supposed to be and never, ever was. i have to see my ex-husband regularly, to exchange the kids and the child-support checks, or in the halls at school. and that's hard. it would be easier if he didn't keep existing, if i didn't have to watch him live his shiny new life, with his shiny new girl and house. it's hard not to wonder what's wrong with me, why wasn't i good enough, why is this other girl better. most of the time i realize it's him, not me, and i think even he would agree with that. but there are those dark and painful moments when the beast of my losses looms up in my face and growls and scratches and i just want it to end. i just want my dream back. i want someone else to be a part of my routine...to rub my feet while we watch lost after eating the glorious dinner i made for everyone, because i was a stay-at-home mom able to devote all of my energy to nourishing the lives of those i love most and hold dear.

but those moments are not too common anymore, and i am happier, even in those moments, than i was when i was still living in the illusion of marriage, which was a nightmare of loneliness and unworthiness and twisted hope. i have my kids, my friends, my family, my learning experience, my art, my astonishing ability to survive and thrive despite the shit that seems to try to get in my way. and i have myself back, which is something i lost deep in the bowels of that nightmare...and it is lovely to be in possession of my spirit again, to hold myself gently in my own hands to nurture and pet and watch and be.

i am grateful for:

dad, for so many reasons, but especially his continued love and support and for fronting me the money to buy my new imac, which has already vastly improved and streamlined my school/homework experience.

daisy, our foster dog, who shows unconditional love and loyalty, and who it will be sad to see go.

matt, loki, and ronan, who are constantly helping in a million little ways that make my life vastly more comfortable and tasty.

short stories.

lesley, who watches jubal for me and does a wonderful job--making it possible for me to go to school and work and learn, rather than fret and be sick.

i am transformed

worm progress
Originally uploaded by hedgenettle

i finally got my first tattoo. it's been about a month now since i got it and i'm still pleased, still glad i did it, still satisfied...and know that i want more.

i've wanted an earthworm tattoo for a couple of years now as a way to cover up a teen-angst related forearm scar, but never got around to getting it. once rodney left it seemed like a great time to finally commit to the ink.

the earthworm is meaningful to me because it embodies transformation--the activity of transforming something, not just being transformed (for which i might have chosen a mid-transition frog or the classic butterfly)--but actually doing it--taking shit (garbage, food scraps, whatever) and turning it into a rich and precious resource. the kind of transformative energy that has been a huge part of my life lately...it seems i always have some kind of word, phrase, or idea that is the flavor of my life for a period of time. a few years ago it was bittersweet, now it's transformation...turning shit to gold is still a bittersweet concept--there's the shit to contend with, after all--but i like the activity of it, the personal responsibility, the movement. i'm not just commentating on the bittersweet nature of my existence. i'm changing it.

i'm doing it.

i'm grateful for:

words
jimmy, the awesome tattoo artist (check the flickr link for more tattoo shots, including one of jimmy)
jamyson, my new beau, with whom i'm happily enjoying the "romance stage"
myself, for getting--i think--an 'A' in cs 120, despite the misery it caused
my children, for being

put one foot in front of the other and go

...and then keep going. some of my days are hard all day, some of them will be. some of them are barely detectable as hard, so far those days are few and far between, but i'm pretty sure there have been some.

this is just a little update, a little what's going on...

school is going well, i honestly enjoy it, and the homework load is not unbearable. i was ambivalent about the women in transitions program, because i was afraid it would just be a bunch of f*ck-ups having some horrible group therapy session...when i was imagining that i forgot that we're all there because we're ready for change, we're ready to actually DEAL with our transitions. so, it's actually a very positive environment, with a lot of support and a lot of tools and a sort of resource hub. we're all there because our lives weren't working, for various reasons, AND we're ready to create lives for ourselves that will work...we don't just want to survive, we want to thrive, and it's a great place to see that you can. when R. first left someone told me i should move in with my dad, take care of the kids during the day, and get a job--any job--at night...of course i wasn't even invited to move in with dad, nor did i want to, and it just didn't make sense to me to create a LIFE of struggle, by getting any menial job i could (in this economy?!) and just continuing to do that for the next 16 years, or even the next 4 years, until jubal could go to school...when i could go back to school now, get skills in a field that is actually thriving right now, and which i honestly love and show aptitude for. i think it might have been the worst advice i was ever offered--fortunately, i rarely listen to advice. everything is going so smoothly in the school arena of my life that there is absolutely no room for doubt in my mind: i made the right choice.

the kids are doing quite well. that's not to say it isn't hard and painful for them, it is, and i try to remind them through words and action every single day that they did not deserve this, they did nothing to invoke it, and that I WILL NEVER LEAVE THEM. it is their pain and discomfort which feeds my small fire of hatred toward R. i try not to foster it, and i try not to feed it on purpose, and i try to remember that he didn't do it on purpose (by which i mean getting into a family when he really didn't want to, or only thought he wanted to, or whatever)...but that fact that he doesn't want to, and won't, participate 50% in their lives, in their care, etc...well, he IS doing that on purpose, and it's just plain wrong. so the small fire burns.

the homestead is thriving. mom comes every week to tend the kids and does mindblowing amounts of house- and yard work. the lawn gets mowed and weed-eaten, the garden gets watered, the floors are always clean, the dishes done, the laundry folded. it really is insane, i'd be lost in a sea of laundry, dust bunnies and weeds if it wasn't for her. when she's not here, everything falls apart until sunday, when i put it back together again. dad came over today to look at my deck, which needs replacing, or at least repairing, and it feels good to think about that being fixed and safe again. i fantasize about grilling out there and eating pleasant summer dinners, with my north garden for a view.

the only thing not thriving yet is my social life, which is just going to take time. it takes time to make friends. i remind myself of this constantly, because i am so lonely and moorless...i'm eager for activities that are about ME, not just megan the mom of three, but megan the woman, the artist, the funny, vivacious, sweet lady...i'm feeling impatient, but i realize it will happen. everything happens eventually.

i am grateful for:

my dad and beckie
my mom
loki and matt and ronan
my capability
my flickr buddies, who fill in the gaps of lonliness a little bit

too exhausted to think up titles for things

i did it! i survived my first week of school! i'm utterly exhausted, as is my mother, i'm sure.

it was hard. i'm not used to it yet. the concept of homework sort of baffles me ( i try to do it all at school, so as to make it seem less horrible)...i'm not used to spending time on things i don't want to do and don't really care about. or, i suppose i should say, don't interest me, because of course i care about doing well in school, and that is my prime motivating force. it doesn't matter if i don't give a rip about CS 120, it just matters that CS 120 is a step on my path to a graphic arts degree.

none of my classes are horrible, and actually, i enjoy them to some extent. probably not as much as i will enjoy taking art classes, but my teachers are awesome and funny, and that makes anything bearable. i've figured out where the computer lab is, and how to use it. i had my P.E. orientation this morning and am excited to get back into a gym again, having really missed my membership to ironworks. i've almost got the campus figured out, or at least the parts i need to use. i'm well on my way to being comfortable. i've even managed to say hello to people i recognize from class, as well as strike up simple conversations with strangers waiting in line, or sitting outside on break. i'm a functioning adult!

i haven't quite figured out how to balance everything yet, but i know that i will...i'm so tired after this long and stressful week, i am actually fantasizing about crawling in to bed as i type this. it's gonna be so good. and, i don't have to get up insanely early tomorrow! and i don't have to drive anywhere! i'm going to hang with the kids, plant the rest of my starts, soak in the stock tank, and use my brain as little as possible.

i am grateful for:

the success of the mortgage relief party (it was so helpful!)
the donation from sweetwater farm of a CSA box for the next month and a half (we got our first yummy bag today and it was lovely)
everyone who contributed what they could to help us through this fallow-money time (thank you so much, everyone!)
that my homework is not insurmountable
that my card to an old high school friend made it to its destination and was well received.
friends.

one good thing about being single

falling in love with yourself again.

it's the best thing in the world. especially if someone has been repugnant to you and rejected you and the things that you loved or wanted to share with them. it feels good to remember who you are, without trying to bend and twist to fit someone else.

things i love, and that i love loving:

music with great lyrics
playing games like boggle and scrabble
doing art
sewing my own pants
being really silly in the grocery store
a great book
a great word
colors
a thriving garden
eyeshadow
fruit--the look, the taste, the smell, the shape
walking
riding my bike
making stuff
paper
making envelopes
writing letters
writing everything
feeling my body work
clean sheets
clotheslines
rabbits
new underwear
printmaking
learning new information
making connections
having insights
freedom
sea salt
the ocean
awesome looking cars
photographs

just to name a few.

i am grateful for:

my wonderful counselor
the way things are fitting into place and smoothly working (even on the hard days)
fresh food
the generosity of my community
my self

the crushing weight of single parenthood

it's been a rough few days. i love my kids. i'm glad i have my kids. but i so need a break from my kids. and when i do get a break...it's awesome, but i just need another one.

jubal had such a day today. he was discontent. he didn't want to do anything. or he wanted to do everything, but when he did anything it wasn't the right thing. he was fussy. he kept asking about daddy. he kept wanting to nurse. he threw a bowl and it broke everywhere. i had to do stuff online for school (to do with accepting my loans) and he pitched fit after fit. the girls got into some weird dispute and i blew up about it and the baby cried. then the girls left to play with ronan, and it was just jubal and i with nothing being right. eventually he took a nap and i did my thing where i do about twenty different things at once for a couple of minutes at a time...dishes, laundry, check e-mail, more dishes, tidy up the floor, check flickr updates, etc...and he woke up too soon and wanted to nurse and be pacified while dozing, so i couldn't leave the bedroom and felt like i was wasting time. i don't want to feel like comforting jubal is a waste of time. there is so much to do all of the time, and anytime i'm doing something fun or something relaxing, i can't help but realize all the *stuff* i'm not getting done.

i had some bitter moments toward R. where i verbally macerated him in my head. how could he do this to me? how could he do this to jubal? how could he do this to vesta? how could he do this to hazel? how could he be so thoughtless? how could he be so short-sighted? how the hell do you promise to be with someone forever and then just give up? how do you choose to ignore all of your personal problems and let your life disintegrate? and then how do you just drop your family like it's nothing? what did i do to deserve this? why wasn't i lovable? why wasn't i enough?

and i had some lonely moments where i burned to be amused by a witty man, and kissed, and held. where i longed to be interesting and delightful to someone lovely and kind. where my chest ached with the pain of loneliness. where i felt totally overwhelmed by the singleness of my life. it's just me. it's just me here doing it all. not kissed. not cuddled. not loved. not adored. not amused. not supported by a lover. just me.

i admit it is hard to compose a list of gratitudes today, and usually they just roll off...
1) matt and loki for helping so much and being so generous.
2) dad for letting me talk for an hour several nights a week, seemingly without point.
3) mom, for coming down to be with the kids while i'm in school (and please, god, make that work).
4) the random kindness of strangers and acquaintances.
5) the faith that this feeling will pass.

tic-talk

my tic has persisted ALL DAY. by which i mean, actually all day long without letup. variances in intensity? yes. reprieve? no. it causes my insides to feel as if they are in constant motion. which causes motion sickness. i wonder if other people with tics have this nauseated side effect? i'd love to hear if they do. we are about to leave to drive to town, as the kids are having a sleepover at rodney's apartment. i am going out with my old high school best friend, erin (thanks facebook!). i guess it's fine if i just keep ticking away, but it would be neat to go out without causing a scene. oh well. at least i'm getting out. i haven't been this social since high school! when i get home i am sewing a special dress for loki, which i hope i remember to take a picture of, since it will be my first dress ever, not counting halloween costumes. blast this interfering tic. here's to hoping it doesn't screw up my driving. or my sewing.

i am grateful for:
the fact that it really is just a tic
my car
jubal
my new tarkio cd (thanks, aunt kim, i used my birthday money to get it and i love it!)
my impending alone time

argh

a vent:

my tic is acting up...there is shaking and lurching involved, as well as nausea and actual ticking (the jerky movements). it is interfering with my photography, my ability to eat, my ability to wash the dishes, my ability to carry the baby, and my ability to feel well. i have to drive into town later and am feeling nervous about that, because it is really bad.

the baby, sensing that i have been feeling like crap for a couple of days, is really up my bum about everything. it's hard to keep him happy or into anything, and it's hard to play with him because of all the shaking and lurching and ticking. and because i feel like crap and have for two days and want to be alone but can't. he is whining a lot, throwing things, fussing, kicking, and not being satisfied with anything. his loudness and dissatisfaction feeds the ticking, causing it to be even worse. vicious cycle ensues.

two of our pets have died in the last week. the guinea pig and bunny that lived outside. the guinea pig i imagine was just that old, the bunny may have died of loneliness from losing her friend. but the dog, who has turned stubborn and mean and aggressive, refuses to die or run away or behave. greenhill won't take him because of his weird new aggressive behavior and his mysterious allergy that results in a randomly occurring horrid skin condition that is ugly and expensive. i have a couple more places to call, and then i don't know what to do. he tried to bite both vesta and me a few days ago and i have just reached my limit with him. everything i have to deal with PLUS an unreliable, expensive, potentially dangerous dog (who also started marking territory in the house! hello, outside living!)--no, i cannot do it. suggestions for dealing with this dog are welcome via comments or e-mails or phone calls.

that's it. that's my vent. i try not to do it too much, but sometimes it helps shift things around.

i am grateful for:
vesta
hazel
my house
my financial aid award
my bed

it must be something in the air

here's a link i saw on neil gaiman's twitter stream (yes, i use twitter. and yes, i pretty much only use it to see what neil gaiman and colin meloy say. and yes, i admit that i have silly crushes on talented men.)

http://yuki-onna.livejournal.com/487082.html

someone else in need, a writer on the verge of penilessness...i just think it's interesting that so many of us are struggling so much right now. and i think it's cool that we are coming up with creative ways of surviving. it's not a writer i'm familiar with, but i thought i'd pass it along. just in case any of you were, or wanted to check out the link, or send some money in exchange for her stories.

i was thinking the other day of starting a new blog which is like a craft lottery...send a dollar you get a chance to win THIS AWESOME TOTE BAG! kind of thing. hopefully i won't have to go there. i've looked at my budget repeatedly, and i think that after the next rough couple of months, that we're actually going to be fine (assuming nothing big breaks). frugally fine, but fine.

i am grateful for:
1) my counseling session (i'm trying to figure out a way to explain the process without traumatizing you with the gory details, because just in one session i have learned so much and had my perceptions shift so amazingly. i want to share about it so that any of you that could benefit from it will know about it. but i want to do it in a way that i don't have to tell you all the horrid crap of my life. so, i'll keep thinking about that).

2) the internet.

3) the people who sent a little something. you know who you are. thank you.

4) jubal. i am truly blessed to mother that child.

5) time passing

6) (a bonus gratitude!) i re-discovered my old high school best friend on facebook and we have really hit it off all over again, in this amazingly synchronistic way that is clearly going to be so good for us both. it's wonderfully exciting and i am so genuinely pleased.

yippeee! and...darnit

i had an excellent birthday, thank you. it was wonderful from start to finish. and there's more to come: dinner at adam's sustainable table and building a chicken coop with dad. i think i got everything on my list--rodney made that his private, personal goal this year. which made me feel totally special. i haven't cross-referenced my loot with my list yet, but you know i will. and i'll post a mosaic of all my presents, once they all arrive (i mail ordered some goodies with my birthday money from gramma and grampa). it felt like a holiday all day and i got everything i wanted: presents, alone time, sewing done, a clean floor, cheesecake, a yummy (easy to prepare) dinner, the love and devotion of my family. some of the gifts were really thoughtful...vesta sketched a portrait of me and wrote a long paragraph about my wonderful qualities...rodney didn't just get me a glass tea pot, he got me an italian glass teapot named "love". it was just such a good and perfect day.

so it's spring, and it's my own personal new year--both of which i love. and i am driven and motivated to clean and clear out and organize for the new season and the new year and my new projects...but! my damn back is still injured. it's a lot better, two trips to the chiropractor later...but of course, it's not magically restored to its former glory...and won't be for at least another week (and several back exercises!)...so i'm frustrated. i want to just work and work and work as much as humanly possible until it's done, but i can't because my back says "no!" so i'm trying to deal and be patient, and appreciate what i can do, and relax often. but it's hard, cuz i don't want to! for once i have the energy and the drive, and i can't utilize them! grrrrrr. i frequently remind myself that the more i accept it and rest now, the quicker it will heal...but i am NOT good at just doing nothing, when i feel like doing a million somethings. shrug.

i am grateful for:
1. my awesome birthday
2. the rain (at least i can't lament all the garden work i'd be doing)
3. my husband
4. my camera, new best friend
5. my life

ps. i cross-referenced the list and he missed the apple trees...but let's not tell him. shhhh.

time flies away as i panic

it's the endless problem of time. i feel completely elated by all the amazing stuff i want to do (you would not believe the number of awesome bag, notepad, notebook, etc. ideas i have moshing in my brain every night!) and i don't even have time to adequately sweep the floor every day! i fantasize daily about sending my family away for a month. 30 days of time! i would only have to do what i wanted and my house would be clean! i would spend the first three days super-cleaning the house and FINALLY organizing the office for maximum efficiency. i would spend the rest working. cutting, sewing, gluing, assembling, knitting (in the evenings...i'm dying to try knitting play food)...i would dedicate the mornings to a quick clean-up...dishes, sweep, laundry, etc. i imagine this would take and hour or less if it was just me and i didn't have to stop to nurse the baby. or feed the baby. or help the girls with some project. or make lunch for four. etc. i would cook awesome dinners a couple of times a week, the rest would be left-overs and egg/toast/salad type affairs. my brain would blaze with creative energy, blessing me with some kind of adrenaline rush that would prevent me missing my family at all. i would make multiple trips to the print shop and master photoshop and have a work station on every available surface. i would be a bottlecap magnet machine. my fingers would be stained with ink and my floor littered with thread (til that morning clean up!) the supplies i need would always be available, never sold out and especially never on back-order...i'd build a giant, amazingly stylish and effective inventory, which i would photograph perfectly, post diligently and sell like hotcakes!

i would like to say more, but i am out of time. for the record, though, i do want them to come back after 30 days...maybe 30 days on, 30 days off? so rad!...

i'm grateful for:
1) quick, but delicious meals
2) my breath
3) my washing machine
4) my garden fences (which will allow me to utilize my clothesline this summer!)
5) that the kids can babysit jubal while i nap

why flickr is awesome

so, i've mentioned flickr a bit in passing, mainly as a way to let the rellies know where they can see pictures of the kids...but today i'm going to tell you why flickr is awesome and what i do with it (besides post pictures of the kids for the rellies.)

it's free to join flickr, so you can upload photos and look at other people's photos and check out groups, if you want. you get 100 MBs of uploading goodness, which suffices for the casual photo uploader. if you get hooked on it, like me, you can upgrade to a "pro" account, for $24.95/year (rodney upgraded my account for me a couple of days ago, as an early birthday present--thanks, hunny!)...this allows you unlimited uploads, access to statistical data about which of your pics get the most views (and other info, i haven't figured it all out yet)...i quickly learned that would be a necessity for me, if i wanted to participate in a few of the themed groups (i do).

initially i joined so that i could participate in the "bend the rules sewing" flickr group--an offshoot of the awesome book of that title, by amy karol (http://www.angrychicken.typepad.com)...and in my playing around i discovered thousands upon thousands of groups...if you can think of something, there is a group for it (well, almost, i tried to find a group dedicated to dead stuff as art/home deco--inspired by this post of loki's-- http://lokikohall.blogspot.com/2009/01/dead-envy.html--and couldn't find one, but that is a pretty obscure and random thing to search for). if you don't find a group dedicated to a topic you MUST photograph and share, then you can start your own group.

so, by joining groups, like one dedicated to a hobby of yours, for example--in my case, sewing/crafting--you start to see other people's photos, and their photos that are posted to the group link back to their photostream, so you can see all of their pictures (if they are set to be public--you can set your pictures to be private, and then only people you approve can view them, if you want)...and you can see what other groups they belong to...and then it's more six degrees of photo heaven. you may stumble across an awesome group you never knew existed and have to join. i did.

my latest discovery is a monthly scavenger hunt group http://www.flickr.com/groups/monthlyhunt/pool/ . i fell instantly in love with this idea: at the beginning of the month a list is posted of 20 words or phrases--sometimes there is a theme, sometimes not--and the members of the group are challenged to post one picture for each item on the list, either something they go out and find or something they may already have in their archives. once you complete the twenty item long list, you post a mosaic of your photos, and the group can vote on them, if they want. just for fun. some of this month's words/phrases: piquant, umami, crisp, bitter, salty, sweet, tomb, illegal, kanji, pink slip, maximum efficiency...it is the absolute perfect group for me, as it has cool words, awesome pictures, is mentally challenging without being impossible or overly time-consuming, and it's fun! i love the way it has shifted my thinking, inspired creativity, and brought my camera permanently out of the dresser drawer. my camera now goes everywhere with me--i never know when i might find the perfect photograph!

there are groups dedicated to various forms of 365--you take a photograph every day. some of them are self portrait groups, themed groups, assigned item groups, etc. etc. i haven't quite mustered up the nerve to join one of the 365 groups yet, but i do plan to. i love the idea of that small promise, to take a photograph every day. i love seeing what people come up with, how people capture their days, their lives.

it's a strange, world-wide community of people who, like me, love photographs.

today i am grateful for:
1) vesta doing the dishes
2) hazel folding the laundry
3) jubal not being insanely clingy
4) the pleasure of cooking meals
5) the radish sprouts in my new garden bed

the saga of my back pain or why i am a medicine maven

i have alluded in recent posts to my bum back...about a week and a half ago, as i was walking into the bedroom to lay with jubal while he fell asleep, my back spasmed--the lower left quadrant. i thought something clever like "that was weird" followed by "that hurts" and went to bed. it hurt throughout the night and on into the next day. and the next. and the next. rodney suggested going to the doctor, which seemed silly to me, as he'd probably say i need to lose weight (no, really?!) and maybe give me some pills, which i didn't really want. but, as the pain persisted, it started to seem like a better idea--those potential pills were starting to take on a glorified weight in my mind. i thought about occasions for vicadin of the past (post-hospital stay for The Appendix and a couple of wisdom tooth pulls) and i thought that might be really nice right now...so i went. but he wouldn't give me vicodin because i'm nursing--even though most of my research says it's probably okay, and i extrapolated that since jubal's not nursing much anyways, and doesn't actually get much milk, he would get barely any of the dose himself...this doctor is a real stickler. so he gave me the only muscle relaxer nursing mamas can have (baclofin) and high dose ibuprofin. nothing. no relief--except for the night that i added two beers to the mix, knowing that alcohol can enhance the effects of the baclofin (no worries, the kids were asleep and i wasn't driving anywhere)...not a dosing strategy that i can maintain! the doctor had told me to be back in a week if it was still bothering me, so i went back yesterday...

the doctor suggested seeing a chiropractor or at least getting some therapeutic massage, neither of which my insurance will pay for. he also said we could x-ray my back next time if it didn't improve, but then said "or we could do it now"--we'd be looking for arthritis or degeneration (at which i made some crazy sound which meant "dammit, i cannot handle anything that's going to be time consuming or depressing!", but which the doctor interpreted as me laughing at the idea of a 29 year old with arthritis)..."let's do it, " i said, so we did. i was x-rayed by some strange lady in this weird dungeon of a room at the clinic, laying on a hideously uncomfortable table, wearing a ridiculous "gown". while i was waiting for the doctor to return to discuss my films with me, i was looking at them glowing on the outdated wall-mounted light table, feeling pride and wonder at the human body, so gloriously made and beautifully built. my spine was so lovely.

the doctor quickly returned to inform me that i did have arthritis, i did have degeneration, and that one of my vertebrae is in the wrong place, which he "would expect to be uncomfortable." he said if i weaned the baby he would give me something stronger. gee thanks.

so i started thinking herbs. i contemplated the tincture of opium poppy i made many years ago "just in case", but thought that better be a last resort. so i stilled myself and thought about what i've learned all these years of studying herbalism, thought about plants that i know are analgesic, but which are still mild and safe, did a little quick internet research to confirm my intuitions, and called wise woman herbs to see if they had everything i wanted. they did. rodney wanted to golf in creswell anyways, so i enlisted him to pick up my pre-ordered bag of pain-relieving goodness...upon his return several long and pain-filled hours later, i quickly mixed myself up my first experimental dose--would it work? would it make me too sleepy or cause a stomach ache? did i pick the right combo, the right dose? it worked, folks. it worked quickly and well. and it didn't even taste bad. my body was quickly flooded with soothingness itself, and my mind was calmed (three of my choices are nervines). so here is the magic blend, because i know you're all dying to know: 1 part passionflower, 1 part scullcap, 1 part white willow and 2 parts california poppy (which i already had on hand, fortuitously having made two quarts of it in '07)...after the relief settled in, i felt so pleased with myself and was so happy to have my faith in herbs renewed--my faith in tonics is strong as an ox, but i did wonder about how herbs would do to relieve pain when the handfull of pills from the doctor did pretty much nothing (except make me puke when i took it before eating breakfast!), i realized i hadn't double-checked their compatibility with nursing! oh crap! i rushed to pull out my PDR for herbal medicine and checked the white willow...safe! i checked the others as well, even though i already knew they were safe, just to be sure. safe! yes!

and that is the saga of my back pain and why i am a medicine maven.

i am grateful for:
california poppy
passionflower
white willow
scullcap
intuition

evidence mounts that i don't know what i'm doing

i decided to add a list of my labels to the sidebar of my blog...in case anyone out in the world actually needed to, like, conduct research using my blog (?! i don't know why i did this!?)...of course my list of labels reads like a really bad poem and it was instantly revealed that i haven't been using labels they way they were meant to be used. so i commit to using them better in the future. for now, there are A LOT of random one-reference items that will make it super easy for that bizarre one person out there who needs to know something about "bipolar craft disorder" or "the trials and tribulations of crafting" or "vintage sheets made into pants" (i'm dedicated to making more posts about that one!) or "MRI results resulting in a simple tic disorder diagnosis" (one of my personal faves)...i'm just not that good at being willing to do things the way they were meant to be done sometimes. on my flickr page i have a label that says "everything improves with a dirty martini" or something like that and--can you believe it?--i am the ONLY person on flickr with that label. heh. i spent some time this morning trying to consolidate some of the posts with super-similar labels (variations on the same word or phrase and such), but i've done all i'm willing to do in the tidying up phase of labeldom and can only promise to be more consistent in the future.

i'm sorry to anyone reading this, i realize it probably means nothing to you, but i did start this blog as a way to just make sure and WRITE something--anything--often and well, and i feel i've done that today, even if i am the only person i've amused with my exercise. and that is a run-on sentence, folks. enjoy.

today i am going to make the kids do all the chores (mainly dishes and laundry folding--the two mountains of our house) and i am very gingerly (as my back is screwed up) going to plant the following seeds in my awesome new gardens (they are actually the same gardens, but all fenced in and with new soil and compost and woodchips and plants...so, LIKE new): potatoes, skullcap, kale, chard, radishes, lettuce, my third crop of peas, and whatever other seeds i find that can go in now.

i am grateful for:
1. my kids' willingness to help
2. that rodney deeply dug the potato and herb beds for me yesterday
3. medicinal herbs (jubal got an infection in his finger over the weekend which was not ER-worthy, but did need dealing with and the clinic isn't open on sundays...i treated it with thyme tincture and a poultice of goldenseal root and sage and it cleared up almost completely over night! i'm so pleased he didn't have to take antibiotics and that i still have the knack for herbal medicine)
4. modern conveniences like washing machines
5. cookbooks

my birthday wish list

yes, my birthday approaches. i will be thirty whole years old (it strikes me as wondrously hilarious that there was a time and were a people who once considered thirty to be over the hill! i haven't even APPROACHED that hill yet...i can't even SEE it on the horizon of my life!)...in honor of the impending celebration of my (nearly) perpetual aging, here is my birthday wish list for anyone who might be interested. ahem.

it's a list, but it's not ranked in order of importance or preference:

1. stainless steel electric tea kettle (my (non-electric) tea kettle died over a year ago when vesta spaced off that she was boiling water and i've been using a saucepan to boil water for too dang long) http://www.hammacher.com/publish/74961.asp?source=Bizrate&keyword=74961&cm_ven=NewGate&cm_cat=Bizrate&cm_pla=HOME%20ESSENTIALS&cm_ite=74961# (just an example)

2. tea pot, preferably the clear glass variety (my brown betty finally hit the sink the wrong way. ouch) this one is particularly lovely: http://www.teavana.com/Tea-Products/Teapots-Teapot-Sets/Glass-teapots/Amelie-Glass-Teapot.axd

3. chicken coop and roomy chicken tractor/movable run--the right size for two or three chickens--such as this one:
http://www.instructables.com/id/Backyard-Chicken-Coop/

4. an upgrade to pro on my flickr account (now that i've joined the scavenger hunt--post to come soon--i need to get rid of the monthly megabite limit so i can post 20 photos for the hunt and still be able to post pictures of the kids and the crafts and the garden http://www.flickr.com/photos/hedgenettle/

5. two apple trees--maybe the columnar varieties they have at territorial...in my extra wild dreams they would come with giant pots so that when we move (either to a bigger house or a whole 'nother area) i can take them with me http://www.territorialseed.com/product/7833/163

6. king size jersey sheets like these in blue, purple or brown: http://www.target.com/Home-Bamboo-Jersey-Sheet-Pillowcase/dp/B001J096R8/qid=1240246827/ref=br_1_7/180-7129519-3809506?ie=UTF8&node=344723011&frombrowse=1&rh=&page=1

or these in lavender: http://www.target.com/Home-Organic-Sheet-Sets/dp/B001LQWV3Q/qid=1240247166/ref=br_1_3/180-7129519-3809506?ie=UTF8&node=341519011&frombrowse=1&rh=&page=1

what can i say? i'm worth it!

i am grateful for:
instructables/online tutorials
links
fantasies
flickr
my family

just a note

our computer has been away for a few days, getting de-bugged and more-RAMmed and otherwise being serviced...so i apologize for the break in posts and look forward to getting back to it this weekend. i have LOTS to post about. such as: the hazards of love (the new decemberists album), gardening in spring, recent reads, lack of time (my constant battle!), DIY recipes, and more.

i am grateful for: computing speed, patience (it'll be ready in the morning...er, evening...er tomorrow morning...er....), vesta and hazel helping with jubal, brooms, washing machines.

nettle time

nettles rock! i'm drinking nettle tea right now...

so, it's nettle harvest time and i was blessed enough to get an invite with loki and ronan to go out to cougar mountain to a friend's place (thank you, anna!) to pick our fill. i couldn't find my gloves and loki forgot hers, so we were both bare fingering it and i have the stings to prove it. i'm usually pretty good at touching nettles without getting stung (grasp around the stem firmly, paying attention, and pinch!), but in a mass-collection scenario, you're bound to get stung because you're working fast and it's easy to brush your hand against the nettles (it's the light brushes that really get ya). i'm fine today (we went on friday), but for the last two days i have had the most incessant itch on my hands. last night, in desperation, i slathered my hands with my homemade deodorant, having noticed earlier in the day when i applied it that it seemed to soothe the sting a bit. it didn't really work. but it's worth a couple days itching and tingling for the stock of fresh, local nettles.

i have my nettles hanging from a string of yarn in the living room, loosely stuffed into little paper bags (you can dry herbs in big paper bags, as well, but i didn't have any on hand, now that i make my own shopping bags)...which i find to be the best drying method--they don't get dusty or exposed to light, and dry pretty fast (although i just remembered that i forgot to leave the bags open for a night to let the bugs out...i was on my second glass of wine when i was processing the nettles). another method that works well is those flat boxes like you get when you buy plants or that are under soda six packs and canned tuna...you can layer herbs into those and stack them perpendicular to each other and leave in a cool, dry, dim location for a couple of weeks (i don't have any locations like that in my house, but i'm just lettin' ya know). this method works for nettles because in this case we harvested just the tops, if you harvest the stocks, just bundle them up in small groups and hang to dry for a couple of weeks.

the main uses of nettles, in my opinion, are nutritional--for the record there are medicinal, foody (rennet for cheese), and fiber uses as well--it makes an awesome tonic being high in several vitamins and minerals, including iron, vitamins A and D, ascorbic acid, choline, potassium, phosphorus, and calcium. to name a few. also, it's super high in chlorophyll--a much better "green food" than those crazy pond scum varieties (like spirulina). so i mainly use it in my tonic infusions (infusions being extra steeped teas, basically) mixed with some oatstraw and mint or lemon balm for flavor (my goal this year is to start drinking tonic infusions every day again)...and i powder it up and add it to my breads, soups, stews, chili, casseroles, etc. when it's fresh and in season (in this area that is NOW) it's also a straight-up food, steamed in a bit of water for ten minutes or so it's an awesome side dish green. when i got home from harvesting, hazel was literally running around the house screaming "steamed nettles! steamed nettles!". and the pot liquor (the water left over from steaming it) is a quick shot of nutrition if you can drink it down, or add to soup, or (this is what i did) used as a hair rinse, or dump it on a plant (i've got a pretty good windowsill herb garden going at the moment).

hazel discovered a patch of nettles (the hard way!) over near where the girls have built their fort and yesterday loki went and harvested those. she was nice enough to give me a bag of them (yay!) and now those are drying on the string as well. i noticed a big patch of nettles in the east regional park last year, so i'm going over there today to see if i can score some just to eat on for a few days. there are also tons of gorgeous nettles growing in north regional park, but they are right next to the golf course, so i won't eat them, though they are really tempting and i think we did harvest some last year as far as we could get from the golf course, just for a meal though, not extended eating or medicine making. last year around this time is when the hashimoto's (as of yet undiscovered) was really knocking me down and i think i was just too damn tired to go harvest any for the year (i got my supply from frontier). so the pig pills, gym going, and extra vitamins must be working because right now i cannot imagine allowing mere tiredness to stop me from going nettle picking.

thanks again to loki, ronan, and anna for letting me tag along and for the extra bag of nettles.

today i am grateful for:
1) you guessed it: nettles
2) michael moore--the herbalist, not the filmmaker (though i'm grateful to him as well)...i heard michael moore died recently and i send my regards to the big herb garden in the sky. (his herb books/field guides are THE best)
3) wonderful friends
4) generosity
5) spring

update:it occurred to me a week or so ago, that perhaps the nettles we were picking at cougar mountain were the dwarf variety...which if memory serves is an annual, rather than the standard urtica dioica perennial variety--dwarf nettles are known for their wollap-packing sting and anna asked us to leave a plant or two in each five foot radius to re-seed...the lightbulb illuminates in my brain!

jubal's first haircut

yes, i finally did it. we cut his bangs a while back, for visibilities sake, but i just wasn't ready to part with the curls. for a while now i've been looking at his locks, thinking about cutting them...chewing on the idea, and even asking him if he was ready to cut his hair (he always said no). then a couple of days ago jubal and vesta emerged from the den that is the girls' bedroom and she had, once again, dressed him as a pretty little girl with big poofy pigtails and a dress-sized (on him) undershirt. she said his name was penelope. it irked me. i realize it's harmless play and everyone has fun, but it irked my anyways. somehow, that sealed it for me. i whipped out the hair scissors and a big bowl to hold the hair and snip-snip-snipped it away. goodbye hair. it's not all short and clipped in true boy style--i was hoping to preserve some top curls, plus i don't know how to cut hair like that. so he's sort of a cross between peter pan and a victorian boy toddler, with some haley mills (circa parent trap) thrown in. he's adorable and it's fun to see his eyes so clearly, as well as his handsome neckline. it was a bittersweet occasion, but i'm pleased with the results...now we'll see if everyone STILL assumes he's a girl.

i'm grateful for: berries, freezers, washing machines, love, bittersweetness