argh

a vent:

my tic is acting up...there is shaking and lurching involved, as well as nausea and actual ticking (the jerky movements). it is interfering with my photography, my ability to eat, my ability to wash the dishes, my ability to carry the baby, and my ability to feel well. i have to drive into town later and am feeling nervous about that, because it is really bad.

the baby, sensing that i have been feeling like crap for a couple of days, is really up my bum about everything. it's hard to keep him happy or into anything, and it's hard to play with him because of all the shaking and lurching and ticking. and because i feel like crap and have for two days and want to be alone but can't. he is whining a lot, throwing things, fussing, kicking, and not being satisfied with anything. his loudness and dissatisfaction feeds the ticking, causing it to be even worse. vicious cycle ensues.

two of our pets have died in the last week. the guinea pig and bunny that lived outside. the guinea pig i imagine was just that old, the bunny may have died of loneliness from losing her friend. but the dog, who has turned stubborn and mean and aggressive, refuses to die or run away or behave. greenhill won't take him because of his weird new aggressive behavior and his mysterious allergy that results in a randomly occurring horrid skin condition that is ugly and expensive. i have a couple more places to call, and then i don't know what to do. he tried to bite both vesta and me a few days ago and i have just reached my limit with him. everything i have to deal with PLUS an unreliable, expensive, potentially dangerous dog (who also started marking territory in the house! hello, outside living!)--no, i cannot do it. suggestions for dealing with this dog are welcome via comments or e-mails or phone calls.

that's it. that's my vent. i try not to do it too much, but sometimes it helps shift things around.

i am grateful for:
vesta
hazel
my house
my financial aid award
my bed

the frieda k. of babies

the frieda k. of babies
Originally uploaded by hedgenettle

i just wanted to show off this picture. is he perfect, or what?!

it's obvious what i'm grateful for

the worst experience of my life

jubal had a cavity. i took all the kids for their yearly tooth check-in exams last month--and jubal had a cavity! you don't understand how shocking this was for me. i diligently brush his teeth twice a day, plus he likes to brush his own teeth several times a day, whenever he's near the sink, basically! but i didn't think about flossing him. are you KIDDING me?! if you have babies out there: FLOSS BETWEEN ANY OF THEIR TEETH THAT TOUCH!!! he has really tight contacts (i now know) and got this little teeny cavity between his front teeth. they wanted to fill it, insurance doesn't cover for him to be anesthetized to sleep while they do it (which is INSANE). i was feeling horrible about this appointment for the whole month leading up to it, not sure i could follow through with it, wondering how necessary it was, etc...the appointment was yesterday morning and it was the absolute worst experience i have ever had. and i was just watching. they wrapped him up in this brightly colored, pretty torture device meant to hold his arms against his body so he can't mess with the dentist's tools or hit anybody while they work (which i totally get and was even somewhat expecting, but the hygienist actually said to him "isn't that pretty? it's like a big hug". that was the first time i wanted to smack her), he's already fully disturbed at this point, i'm at his feet holding his foot and rubbing his ankle and calf, telling him i'm right here and trying to send him some kind of reassurance. which didn't work. he screamed THE ENTIRE TIME. i'm not sure how long that was, because it felt like forever. i think it was fifteen or twenty minutes. they worked as fast as they could, which i appreciate...but they kept saying to him "you're okay, you're okay" which was infuriating me--it was completely obvious to him that he was NOT okay, that he was being tortured by strangers, and made to hurt and bleed and the notion that anyone would actually think he could be made to feel better about it by them lying to him that he's okay is just completely mad. imagine the scene from the stanley kubrick film a clockwork orange, where they paste the lead guys eyes open and show him all kind of horrible things and he's crying and screaming in agony--but make him a baby and add dental. i could see his little hands clutching each other under the pedia-wrap, or whatever that thing was called, in this way that was totally heartbreaking--it's a universal human reaction to pain and fear.

when it was over i just held him. the hygienist tried to joke with me about how it's always worse for the parents and that's when i wanted to smack her again. i couldn't speak properly. i just held jubal and patted him and thanked god he wasn't mistrustful of me for putting him in that horrible situation. i left the dental office as soon as i could and just stood by the car and held him and talked to him until he felt better. and fortunately, once he felt better--he felt better. it was over. we did some errands and had fun and he was able to laugh and smile and smell the herbs and spices at the kiva and just be.

that's what i'm grateful for today: jubal's awesomeness and his trust in me and his ability to move past that horror into a wonderful day with his mama.