i don't know how to do this anymore.

i used to sit down at this screen regularly and everything would flow. i'd hit "publish post" and it'd be out in the world, good, bad, or ugly. i generally have good writing skills, so more often than not it was relatively good.

i don't know how to do this anymore.

when i sit here, nothing flows and i don't know what to say.

i have things i want to talk about, but not the time or energy to go into them in depth.

things i want to talk about:

design

art

paul rand

the fact that my husband came back home

making sweet potato pies for haiti, and how weird and liberal it feels to be doing that (drinking beer for haiti!) (there's a benefit event today at the axe and fiddle to raise money, prayers, love, etc. for the haiti relief cause--which is awesome, don't get me wrong, but also weird.)

and inspired by that:

how the hell DO you help faraway people in distress?

the global world we live in that allows us to even know about earthquakes in haiti. or anywhere else.

the use of fame to forward a cause

the use of art to forward a cause

also:

photography

digital design tools (read: the adobe creative suite)

the fact that my dad wrote a novel and my process of trying to design it

the fact that i lost 55 pounds and what that's like (i just this morning discovered buried jeans in my dresser. i haven't worn JEANS in years. they fit.)

what it's like to allow my husband to come back and how our lives are vastly different than the way they were, while still mind-blowingly familiar and strangely wonderful

and inspired by that:

how the hell do you navigate the re-marriage process--where to do it, who to witness, same date or new date, do you throw a party, etc.?

the fear of the prospect of re-marrying someone who betrayed the family and caused us all so much heartache and pain

the value of having gratitude for all of one's experiences, learning from them, and letting go of the attached pain and resentment because it doesn't serve you

and:

music

the meat purveyors, the decemberists' "hazards of love" album, buying digital files and the resulting loss of disc art and liner notes, the new mix tape

cooking and compromise

how junky can something convenient be before i won't feed it to my kids, the fact that i now eat "fast food" on a semi-regular basis and how weird and shameful that is, missing the slow food movement in my house

love

spring cleaning

sewing

creation

books and how i miss them

to name just a few.

so, now i have a list and maybe i'll consult it and the flow will return.

and a quick life update: rodney came home at the beginning of the year. we let him. it's going well. the garden has miraculously been started (peas and radishes). school is awesome and hard; i'm an A student with a GPA of 3.95; i recently got an A on the first official essay i've ever written (yes, ever!); i'm studying digital design (in-design, photoshop, illustrator), typography, the history of graphic design, and writing (composition and argument type stuff). i've returned to the gym, usually going with rodney, something we enjoy doing together. i'm sore. i still haven't painted the house, but i swear i'm going to this summer! i am in love with my life.

comments are welcome if anyone read one of those topics and wants it to be first.

i am grateful for:

my oven

butter

peace

my family

recovery

mechanical pencils

erasers

tracing paper

good teachers

love

beer

money

my muscles, organs, tendons, skin, and bones

time flies away as i panic

it's the endless problem of time. i feel completely elated by all the amazing stuff i want to do (you would not believe the number of awesome bag, notepad, notebook, etc. ideas i have moshing in my brain every night!) and i don't even have time to adequately sweep the floor every day! i fantasize daily about sending my family away for a month. 30 days of time! i would only have to do what i wanted and my house would be clean! i would spend the first three days super-cleaning the house and FINALLY organizing the office for maximum efficiency. i would spend the rest working. cutting, sewing, gluing, assembling, knitting (in the evenings...i'm dying to try knitting play food)...i would dedicate the mornings to a quick clean-up...dishes, sweep, laundry, etc. i imagine this would take and hour or less if it was just me and i didn't have to stop to nurse the baby. or feed the baby. or help the girls with some project. or make lunch for four. etc. i would cook awesome dinners a couple of times a week, the rest would be left-overs and egg/toast/salad type affairs. my brain would blaze with creative energy, blessing me with some kind of adrenaline rush that would prevent me missing my family at all. i would make multiple trips to the print shop and master photoshop and have a work station on every available surface. i would be a bottlecap magnet machine. my fingers would be stained with ink and my floor littered with thread (til that morning clean up!) the supplies i need would always be available, never sold out and especially never on back-order...i'd build a giant, amazingly stylish and effective inventory, which i would photograph perfectly, post diligently and sell like hotcakes!

i would like to say more, but i am out of time. for the record, though, i do want them to come back after 30 days...maybe 30 days on, 30 days off? so rad!...

i'm grateful for:
1) quick, but delicious meals
2) my breath
3) my washing machine
4) my garden fences (which will allow me to utilize my clothesline this summer!)
5) that the kids can babysit jubal while i nap