the crushing weight of single parenthood

it's been a rough few days. i love my kids. i'm glad i have my kids. but i so need a break from my kids. and when i do get a break...it's awesome, but i just need another one.

jubal had such a day today. he was discontent. he didn't want to do anything. or he wanted to do everything, but when he did anything it wasn't the right thing. he was fussy. he kept asking about daddy. he kept wanting to nurse. he threw a bowl and it broke everywhere. i had to do stuff online for school (to do with accepting my loans) and he pitched fit after fit. the girls got into some weird dispute and i blew up about it and the baby cried. then the girls left to play with ronan, and it was just jubal and i with nothing being right. eventually he took a nap and i did my thing where i do about twenty different things at once for a couple of minutes at a time...dishes, laundry, check e-mail, more dishes, tidy up the floor, check flickr updates, etc...and he woke up too soon and wanted to nurse and be pacified while dozing, so i couldn't leave the bedroom and felt like i was wasting time. i don't want to feel like comforting jubal is a waste of time. there is so much to do all of the time, and anytime i'm doing something fun or something relaxing, i can't help but realize all the *stuff* i'm not getting done.

i had some bitter moments toward R. where i verbally macerated him in my head. how could he do this to me? how could he do this to jubal? how could he do this to vesta? how could he do this to hazel? how could he be so thoughtless? how could he be so short-sighted? how the hell do you promise to be with someone forever and then just give up? how do you choose to ignore all of your personal problems and let your life disintegrate? and then how do you just drop your family like it's nothing? what did i do to deserve this? why wasn't i lovable? why wasn't i enough?

and i had some lonely moments where i burned to be amused by a witty man, and kissed, and held. where i longed to be interesting and delightful to someone lovely and kind. where my chest ached with the pain of loneliness. where i felt totally overwhelmed by the singleness of my life. it's just me. it's just me here doing it all. not kissed. not cuddled. not loved. not adored. not amused. not supported by a lover. just me.

i admit it is hard to compose a list of gratitudes today, and usually they just roll off...
1) matt and loki for helping so much and being so generous.
2) dad for letting me talk for an hour several nights a week, seemingly without point.
3) mom, for coming down to be with the kids while i'm in school (and please, god, make that work).
4) the random kindness of strangers and acquaintances.
5) the faith that this feeling will pass.