self reflection

look me in the eye and say it like you mean it
Originally uploaded by hedgenettle

i am wondering this:
why, if i'm happier and healthier now than i've been in almost 2 years, does it still have to hurt? what is the point of the discomfort?

in my therapy session on friday i gained insight into why i have allowed myself to be in situations that i know are not right for me, and which are not healthy or satisfying. this is insight i'm profoundly grateful for and will use in all of my future decisions...last week i was at brian and t's house for a blue mountain meeting and afterward a small group of us were jawing about relationships and being left and etc...and joel said something about how we sometimes compromise ourselves in relationships and that rang so true for me. i saw myself compromising my own values, my own person, my own soul because i was afraid--i guess afraid of not being loved--and it's so interesting to me because i saw myself doing it at the time, but i kept doing it anyways. it just seems so strange. why would i do that? and why is the need to feel loved (even when it's obvious that what is happening really isn't LOVE) such a powerful force for me? i already know why (some of those gory details i mentioned last post) but i guess it's a matter of processing it so i can know it in my logical brain and use the information and insight, rather than feeling it at some core level that just causes me to react without thinking it through.

ah, self reflection.

i am grateful for:
trust
truth
hope
fineness
love