how it's going and what i need

what a strange and wondrous thing life is...

it's two weeks since rodney left. i'm starting to really love that he left. obviously, i wanted the marriage and i wanted the life and the partnership...but it became more and more evident that he didn't want it...so it didnt work and it wasn't what i wanted anyways. so i'm glad it's over. i love the peace in the house, free from his constant anger and irritation; free from my expectations of having a participating husband and father, and the resulting disappointment. there aren't a lot of hard feelings, and there is absolutely no pining or mooning or wishing he was still here (on my part, the kids of course have all of that).

i've gotten my house in amazing order and have managed to maintain the order fairly well. i've stocked up on essential household items like toilet paper and extra keep-the-baby-out-of-the-fridge latches (they tend to break often)...i have my own bank account and am busily working on ways to fill it up with money, have done all of my financial aid and school enrollment legwork, i have my LCC "L" number and have met with the art department adviser--nothing stands in my way of enrolling in the Graphic Design program. The pink sheet of paper the adviser gave me which describes the coursework for the next two years is almost entirely full of art classes (there are a very few gen. ed. type requirements--math and whatnot), which is SO exciting! typography, photography, drawing, web production, graphic design history (!!!), etc. my homework is going to be SO FUN!...

so here's what i still need, and i put this out there so those of you who read my humble blog will know, in case you have ideas or resources or time:

1) childcare that is awesome and good for the kids (and the money to pay for it)
2) a new blender
3) someone who wants a dog, maybe (i know it sucks to have your dad leave and then your mom gets rid of your dog, but i can only handle so much, and i'm willing to consider farming him out somewhere if somebody good wants him)
4) a dishwasher (yes, i repeat! it would REALLY help!)
5) someone who thinks it would be fun to help me paint my living room, matched up with a time when someone else thinks it would be fun to have the kids
6) money (as much as possible from as many different places as possible, i need a buffer zone for when the house or car need repairs, paying for the childcare, etc.)...seriously, if you know and love me and have a bit extra, mail me a check for a hundred bucks, or fifty bucks, or ten bucks...it all helps and it'll go to a good place...and if it's really big, i'll exchange graphic design services for life, so you'll get it back.
7) a support system of people who love the kids and want to step in as extra aunties and uncles...they're kids, they need a lot of attention and energy and i'd love to have help, and even more, i'd love them to be reinforced with the feeling that they are surrounded by people who love them and that they can count on.
8) occasional ready made meals, especially once school starts
9) people willing to listen to me when the panic sets in (i have some of those people, you know who you are, and thanks! i'll probably keep calling in a panic for a while)
10) customers to my etsy site, or on the side. you know you love weird coasters, awesome shopping bags, and good smelling soap. (the site doesn't have much up for sale right now, but that's my focus in the next couple of weeks)
11) fun things to do. if you ask me once and i say no, ask again. i love it when people offer stuff and also when they call to check in. it REALLY helps. (and thanks to those that already do that, it means a lot to me, and is greatly appreciated)
12) your undying love and support, as well as compassion...it's obvious now that i did a stupid thing marrying rodney, who doesn't want what he thought he wanted...but i didn't know he wouldn't want it (i'm guessing he didn't either) and it seemed like a good and wondrous thing to do. it sucks that it didn't work out. i hate the feeling that everyone else thought it was dumb and is now proven right. feel free to reassure me that you didn't foresee it either, and if you did, don't tell me!

i am grateful for:
1) the calm, unpanicky moments
2) the feeling that it will all be okay
3) the suggestions and support from my friends and family
4) the people willing to listen to me ramble on (or panic on) for a really long time. i do realize you have a life and i'm sucking your time, and i'll try to need to do that as little as possible--but, again, it REALLY helps...it helps me feel focused and reassured and centered and connected.
5) my mom coming to hang out for a few days, and her willingness to do it again through summer term to give me the space to figure out how to go to school while single parenting three kids. whew. she did a lot of dishes and yardwork and laundry folding and it was awesome.