Wednesday, May 27, 2009

the sick panic sets in again

another wave of fear and repulsion...literally making me sick to my stomach. as in, goodbye morning tea and any notion of eating breakfast. if only he'd have wanted to deal with his problems within the safe, loving space of our family, we could have had a perfect life. a simple perfect life. in one of the first couple of days after he left, before i knew he was REALLY leaving, he said he wanted the perfect life with the good dog and the happy kids and the white picket fence...and instead he leaves his best shot at having it for a creepy girl who likes to read romance novels and go shopping. what the hell?! and what about her? a married man, really? a married man with a baby at home longing for his dad?! you really want to be the medicine for a heart that's just walked away from his family? ugh. ugh. ugh.

i never meant for this space to be SUCH a "perzine" as they're called in the zine biz, but i guess it is one, now. i can't think about things like laundry soap and the environmental impact of baking soda right now. and i've happily just discovered that writing helps put the panic back in its box for a while, so there will probably be more like this in the future...

for now, it's time to go get ready...my orientation is today and i am looking forward to it, under my blanket of yuckiness.

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