bittersweet

dammit this really is happening
Originally uploaded by hedgenettle

i wanted it to be exciting to go to my orientation. but, of course, i had to drop the kids off at r.'s apartment first. it was so hard. i want to scream and shout at him about how could you be so daft?! another woman?! really?! and such a bland and idiotic one, at that?! there was a lot of time to think, after i dropped them off and before my orientation started...about how completely different this scenario would be, had he not had a girlfriend all lined up. if he had a chance to deal with himself and deal with what he's done...if we had a chance to deal with each other and what we did to our marriage...how we could have taken a break, i could have gone back to school, and we could have really evaluated the situation and made a conscious decision about our lives, our marriage, our family, and what we really wanted...and either decided it was best to stay apart, or decided it was best to come back together with a renewed vigor and commitment. either way would have been a million times better than this. this is just another of r.'s band-aids, the girl just another drug, another distraction.

the orientation went well. i learned that i pretty much knew everything already--which was good, because i thought i'd prepared well, and i have. i turned in my application for the program, and got some handouts with some useful information...i also got yet another wake up call about homework and time management. i have no idea how i'm going to have time for all this fecking homework...and a wake up call about financial aid--another thing i already knew: this is the WORST time to apply for aid, there are no extra grants in summer and there isn't any money in the pot beyond the loans and the pell grant...and as it stands, i don't have enough to survive on.

but i'll just keep going anyways. and i'll figure out how to make up the difference, and how to do the homework, and how to stay calm and patient with the kids.

i don't think i'll figure out how to look r. in the face, though. how can you be MARRIED to someone and not know just how weak they are?

i am grateful for:
cigarettes
my dad
popcicles
the sun
my garden