i journal now

i journal now
Originally uploaded by hedgenettle

obviously. i'm doing it on this blog. but also i do it on my little pea pod iota tablet that jan gave me for christmas, which is always in my purse. i've always wanted to be a journaler...but got distracted. marriage can really distract you from your essential nature--and kids, especially babies--but i've quickly returned to who i was before, just older and smarter.

anyways, the journaling--on here and elsewhere has been awesome. i find it really helps to settle my mind/body/nerves when panic sets in, and it's a great way to pass the time while waiting for a meeting or whatnot.

it also helps me sort my feelings and perceptions about R. and what the hell he's doing. following his classic pattern, of course. i just didn't see when i was in it, that i, too, was a band-aid...that FAMILY was a band-aid (talk about hurting when you take it off! ha!)...everything that he does is a band-aid and i'm guessing it'll be that way forever, unless he gets some sort of mental shift where he can see what he's doing. fortunately not my responsibility. but realizing that DOES make it easier for me to cope/not take it personally. this is the ultimate test of that take nothing personally suggestion from one of those new age self-helpy spirtuality guys (don miguel ruiz)...and it's actually not that hard, because i KNOW i didn't do anything wrong and don't deserve this. all i did was try with that guy. try and give and give and give. and now i have so much to give back to myself, the person who could've used it all along.

but i digress. the journaling also takes the form of photographically documenting everything--if you look at my flickr page you know i was already getting into that anyways...now that's up a big notch. i'm not sure why i love to document things so much...but i always have. i went through weird phases as a kid photographing things like everyone's shoes. it would have been awesome if we had digital cameras back then! i wonder about the documenting thing, though...like, is that my own sort of band aid? my little spoon of sugar with the medicine? or is it just a great tool for self reflection? we shall see...so far it seems to be healthy enough. i've always been into self portraits, too--again, thank god for digital cameras! i've joined a couple of self portrait groups on flickr, which is neat because they're filled with people like me who find a weird joy in documenting themselves. it's fun to watch the progressions.

i'm looking forward to doing some work with the self portraiture in my transitions classes and my art classes.

i am grateful for:
my camera
my kids
my house
my gardens
my friends