poem

thinking about you, dear one 158/365 and 56/365
Originally uploaded by hedgenettle

i want you
to come here.
be with me
at home,
where it is light and good.
let me feed you
from my garden
and the music
of
i love you
will play.
we will lie
in bed
amongst the blue.
red passion will bloom
like jasmine
and
be
fine.


the text for the artist book i am designing for my last project in basic design/graphic design. we were given a series of exercises to complete that susan (our instructor) assured us would lead us to know how we wanted our books to be (it did).

i am sooooooo looking forward to this project!


i am grateful for:
words
colors
love
my bed
fire

ruined

ruined 1 154/365
Originally uploaded by hedgenettle

sometimes i feel so ruined. like i've dedicated so much of my life to the wrong things. my body is all distorted, i started my career path too late, i'm old--not really old, as in literally old, but i'm suddenly thirty. for so long i've been 15-20 in my mind, it still surprises me to realize that i'm an adult. i have three kids! i've been parenting for a giant portion of my life, for my entire adult life. i spent so much of my life, nearly my whole life, dedicated to things other than my own self. to men and what they needed, or to school and what that meant i was supposed to do or be. i'm only just discovering who i am, what i want to do and to be. and so it's good that i'm so young--literally, this time. only thirty. i have years to do this life thing. i can take this time to explore who i am, what i want, what i do when there aren't a hundred things i have to do to make someone else's life go smoothly. i feel angry and bitter sometimes, that i willingly gave of myself--my time, my energy, my creativity--to what i thought was my family, to my partners, the men supposed to be living a life in concert with me. and they took what i offered and they didn't reciprocate. they didn't appreciate what i did for them, with them, in honor of them. they didn't deserve me. and i didn't deserve what they did. and i don't say this to blame or accuse. i took part in it, i willingly gave up myself. i did it because i suppose i thought it meant something, because i believed in the family, in the life in concert, in the partnership. it was my own mistake, i claim that responsibility. i have no idea how to move on from here. i have no idea how i will ever trust a man again, or myself to judge reasonably, or trust the idea of partnership, or the hope of a family...which is still a burning urge of mine, to have one of those family unit things, where there is a mom and a dad and some kids, and everyone works together to make a sum grander than all the parts. but one where everyone's dreams are approved of, worked toward. even the mommy. i have no idea if that's even reasonable. do people do that? it seems like they should, but i don't really know...and i don't know how to get it when i feel so totally ruined and used up. how a man could ever want me. how i could ever be vulnerable again. how i could even want what i want. let alone create it or find it or be it. i'm satisfied at the moment, just being myself. being the mom, the student, the artist, the photographer. claiming my space as my own. not worrying just yet about that other stuff. i have this--possibly wrong--notion that all will be revealed when i'm ready, and that all i have to do right now is take care of the present moment, the kids, the studies, the arts, the self. and when i'm ready, and when it's time, something will happen which will be better than whatever i could imagine, or try to hope for, and that when it happens i will see it for what it is and will know what to do.
we shall see.

i am grateful for:
light
movement
sturdiness
cheese
those moments when another person sees you for who you are and detects exactly what you need and serves it to you just so.

the art, the beast, and the universe

wow. it's been months since i've written a thing. mainly because i have absolutely no time for anything...

school is going amazingly well, though i must say that it's impossible. it's impossible to have three kids, no husband, no co-housers or other live-in help...and go to school full time. but i usually end up doing impossible things, so here i go doing it anyways. i have hours upon hours of homework every week. mostly it's art homework, which is unfathomably arduous--i had no idea the effort and discipline involved in living a life of art. it was a hobby before, something i did for fun when the kids were out of my hair. now it's a daily practice. an hours a day daily practice. i love the immersion in imagery, shapes, design, value, edge, color. i love the hours spent covered in charcoal, or newspaper clippings, or graphite, or gouache. i wish it wasn't such a balancing act between mothering and schooling and arting and living and surviving. but it is what it is and we are all coping the best we can. and mostly loving it. sometimes it gets really overwhelming and everything ratchets up intensely and i feel like my mind will blow apart. or my heart. but then it calms again, and i get a breath, a day at the park with the kids, a moment to read something pleasurable...and then it cranks up again. my life is proof that we live in an expanding AND contracting universe.

i still grieve over the loss of my marriage. which is really the end to the hoping that it would be what it was supposed to be and never, ever was. i have to see my ex-husband regularly, to exchange the kids and the child-support checks, or in the halls at school. and that's hard. it would be easier if he didn't keep existing, if i didn't have to watch him live his shiny new life, with his shiny new girl and house. it's hard not to wonder what's wrong with me, why wasn't i good enough, why is this other girl better. most of the time i realize it's him, not me, and i think even he would agree with that. but there are those dark and painful moments when the beast of my losses looms up in my face and growls and scratches and i just want it to end. i just want my dream back. i want someone else to be a part of my routine...to rub my feet while we watch lost after eating the glorious dinner i made for everyone, because i was a stay-at-home mom able to devote all of my energy to nourishing the lives of those i love most and hold dear.

but those moments are not too common anymore, and i am happier, even in those moments, than i was when i was still living in the illusion of marriage, which was a nightmare of loneliness and unworthiness and twisted hope. i have my kids, my friends, my family, my learning experience, my art, my astonishing ability to survive and thrive despite the shit that seems to try to get in my way. and i have myself back, which is something i lost deep in the bowels of that nightmare...and it is lovely to be in possession of my spirit again, to hold myself gently in my own hands to nurture and pet and watch and be.

i am grateful for:

dad, for so many reasons, but especially his continued love and support and for fronting me the money to buy my new imac, which has already vastly improved and streamlined my school/homework experience.

daisy, our foster dog, who shows unconditional love and loyalty, and who it will be sad to see go.

matt, loki, and ronan, who are constantly helping in a million little ways that make my life vastly more comfortable and tasty.

short stories.

lesley, who watches jubal for me and does a wonderful job--making it possible for me to go to school and work and learn, rather than fret and be sick.

divorced

we tried. we still love each other. no more battles.
Originally uploaded by hedgenettle

it's official. and bizarrely anti-climactic. you just sign some papers and show up in ex-parte, wait in line, the judge glances at the papers and signs and then says you're divorced "as of now"...strange. it wasn't enough hoopla for us, or for me, anyways, so we went to breakfast at brails, which was pretty good.

i think we'll always be quite dear friends and that's plenty for me. i will always love him, and i am deeply grateful to not be married to him anymore.

i feel: sad, sorry, relieved, bittersweet, heartachey, mellow, done...

i am grateful for:

self-help court proceedings
the friendship we've managed to maintain
coffee
love in all forms
peace

i am transformed

worm progress
Originally uploaded by hedgenettle

i finally got my first tattoo. it's been about a month now since i got it and i'm still pleased, still glad i did it, still satisfied...and know that i want more.

i've wanted an earthworm tattoo for a couple of years now as a way to cover up a teen-angst related forearm scar, but never got around to getting it. once rodney left it seemed like a great time to finally commit to the ink.

the earthworm is meaningful to me because it embodies transformation--the activity of transforming something, not just being transformed (for which i might have chosen a mid-transition frog or the classic butterfly)--but actually doing it--taking shit (garbage, food scraps, whatever) and turning it into a rich and precious resource. the kind of transformative energy that has been a huge part of my life lately...it seems i always have some kind of word, phrase, or idea that is the flavor of my life for a period of time. a few years ago it was bittersweet, now it's transformation...turning shit to gold is still a bittersweet concept--there's the shit to contend with, after all--but i like the activity of it, the personal responsibility, the movement. i'm not just commentating on the bittersweet nature of my existence. i'm changing it.

i'm doing it.

i'm grateful for:

words
jimmy, the awesome tattoo artist (check the flickr link for more tattoo shots, including one of jimmy)
jamyson, my new beau, with whom i'm happily enjoying the "romance stage"
myself, for getting--i think--an 'A' in cs 120, despite the misery it caused
my children, for being

my life philosophy paper for my life transitions class

I am a strong and capable person. I admire creativity and kindness in myself and others. I love to explore life using all of my senses, noticing and questioning my perceptions. I am a mother, a friend, a lover, a daughter, and a woman. I am becoming a patient mother, an observant friend, a reciprocal partner, a self-sustaining woman and parent, and an understanding daughter. I am whole and I am growing.

I believe in the intrinsic goodness of all beings. I believe that everyone does the best they can with what they have. I believe that it is valuable to take nothing personally and to take responsibility for my decisions, choices, and actions. I believe that freedom is a higher good than safety. And I believe that is imperative to do the right thing. I value truth, honesty, respect, loyalty, and kindness. I choose to let truth be the guiding force of my life—above all else, I require honesty of myself and others. I choose to treat everyone with the same respect I believe that I deserve. I believe that kindness and understanding are the best first reactions to 95 percent of all situations. I value family, personal relationships, and integrity above material goods and passing trends. I believe that it is usually the right thing to choose that which is best for the greater good over that which is best for one person. I believe that I have a right to happiness.

I am motivated by a desire to live in a world that is sustainable, physically and socially; by love for life; by passion; and by a drive to create a thriving world for my children to explore and fall in love with. I am inspired by justice, creativity, dirt, people, beauty, truth, the natural world, discussions, ideas, art, music, the written word, the innocence of children, the wryness of adults, and the force of life moving through all beings.

I take responsibility for my life. I do this by owning my decisions, being truthful with myself and others, examining my mistakes for areas of improvement, seeking help when I don’t know how to do something so that I can learn to do it correctly, accepting the consequences of my decisions, sharing information I have with others, cleaning up after myself in the world, using resources wisely, behaving in a manner I can respect, asking for what I need, admitting when I’ve done something wrong or made a mistake, and owning the ground I walk on.

I have a purpose in this life. I am raising three children to know what healthy love is, to know how to learn, to take responsibility for their lives, to know their own beauty, to pursue their own happiness, to respect others, to respect themselves, to require respect from others, to respect the earth and the force of life. I set an example for my children and others of strength, patience, kindness, silliness, love, fun, self-acceptance, personal responsibility, joy for life, passion, kindness, and growth. May my example inspire my children and others to live lives of truth and joy.

I want to live in a world that is just. I want to live in a world that is fair. I want to live in a world where passion matters, kindness rules, a sense of humor is regarded more highly than a perfectly arched eyebrow, and where all life is treated with respect and honor. I want to live in a world that is healthy, on a planet that is treated with respect, in a community that believes in equality, and in a home that celebrates all that life has to offer us. I want to live in a world that is growing, changing, moving, playing, thriving, and full of love.

I will leave the world a better place. I will spread my influence in several ways—By raising beautiful children into responsible adults. By infiltrating mass media culture with my subtle art and design. By voting with my dollars about what matters to me (fair trade, organic, sustainable). By living a life that is in concert with my values and dreams. By teaching those around me to create the lives they want for themselves—and by showing them it is possible. I will leave the world a better place by being a good mother, daughter, friend, lover, and woman.

sometimes love is conditional

in a moment of physical and mental exhaustion, i let something private slip to the wrong person. i won't go into detail here--as i mentioned, it's something private...but it's something i've always known and have never shared, but have recently been briefly exploring in my super-helpful and blessing-laden counseling sessions. when someone who has always been my friend, supporter, and champion asked me about it, i went ahead and said. it's hard, and it's a burden, and i was vulnerable and had my guard down. it's not information i've ever intended to DO ANYTHING with, or even to share, really, except for to deal with my own personal consequences, process some *stuff*, and finally move on from.

my moment of rawness felt like a small pebble, but was more like a meteor. it has crashed into my world, and the world of some of those who love me most, or who i thought loved me most, or both. both. my relationship with my confidant is altered. it's strange and awkward and guarded. another family member has disowned me. who knew people still did that? no conversation. no this is my version, this is your version, how do we cope with this...just "i'm never going to see or talk to you again."

with the flip of a switch, i'm altered forever in their minds. i'm accused. i'm unkind. i'm a liar. i'm an accuser. i'm not worth knowing.

how quickly you can go from being loved and supported to being evil and wrong and worthless. how tenuous our connections can be, even when they seem strong and thick, woven of love and sinew. how much of what we think is just based on perceptions that can be so wrong. how much family is an idea in my mind and not necessarily supported by fact. how many different ideas of truth.

it makes me think of all my connections...what does it take? what can i do that will forever mar me in someone's eyes and heart? who will REALLY love me forever? where am i ACTUALLY safe?

it feels like tiredness. it feels like muscles being torn. it feels like disappointment. it feels like i should never, ever trust anyone. it feels like i was right to be afraid of everything. it feels like anger. it feels like injustice. it feels surreal.

i am grateful for:
bread
juice
rocks
tomatoes
rodney, who was the only one i could call (besides dad) and who readily said it was f*cked up and i didn't deserve it.

put one foot in front of the other and go

...and then keep going. some of my days are hard all day, some of them will be. some of them are barely detectable as hard, so far those days are few and far between, but i'm pretty sure there have been some.

this is just a little update, a little what's going on...

school is going well, i honestly enjoy it, and the homework load is not unbearable. i was ambivalent about the women in transitions program, because i was afraid it would just be a bunch of f*ck-ups having some horrible group therapy session...when i was imagining that i forgot that we're all there because we're ready for change, we're ready to actually DEAL with our transitions. so, it's actually a very positive environment, with a lot of support and a lot of tools and a sort of resource hub. we're all there because our lives weren't working, for various reasons, AND we're ready to create lives for ourselves that will work...we don't just want to survive, we want to thrive, and it's a great place to see that you can. when R. first left someone told me i should move in with my dad, take care of the kids during the day, and get a job--any job--at night...of course i wasn't even invited to move in with dad, nor did i want to, and it just didn't make sense to me to create a LIFE of struggle, by getting any menial job i could (in this economy?!) and just continuing to do that for the next 16 years, or even the next 4 years, until jubal could go to school...when i could go back to school now, get skills in a field that is actually thriving right now, and which i honestly love and show aptitude for. i think it might have been the worst advice i was ever offered--fortunately, i rarely listen to advice. everything is going so smoothly in the school arena of my life that there is absolutely no room for doubt in my mind: i made the right choice.

the kids are doing quite well. that's not to say it isn't hard and painful for them, it is, and i try to remind them through words and action every single day that they did not deserve this, they did nothing to invoke it, and that I WILL NEVER LEAVE THEM. it is their pain and discomfort which feeds my small fire of hatred toward R. i try not to foster it, and i try not to feed it on purpose, and i try to remember that he didn't do it on purpose (by which i mean getting into a family when he really didn't want to, or only thought he wanted to, or whatever)...but that fact that he doesn't want to, and won't, participate 50% in their lives, in their care, etc...well, he IS doing that on purpose, and it's just plain wrong. so the small fire burns.

the homestead is thriving. mom comes every week to tend the kids and does mindblowing amounts of house- and yard work. the lawn gets mowed and weed-eaten, the garden gets watered, the floors are always clean, the dishes done, the laundry folded. it really is insane, i'd be lost in a sea of laundry, dust bunnies and weeds if it wasn't for her. when she's not here, everything falls apart until sunday, when i put it back together again. dad came over today to look at my deck, which needs replacing, or at least repairing, and it feels good to think about that being fixed and safe again. i fantasize about grilling out there and eating pleasant summer dinners, with my north garden for a view.

the only thing not thriving yet is my social life, which is just going to take time. it takes time to make friends. i remind myself of this constantly, because i am so lonely and moorless...i'm eager for activities that are about ME, not just megan the mom of three, but megan the woman, the artist, the funny, vivacious, sweet lady...i'm feeling impatient, but i realize it will happen. everything happens eventually.

i am grateful for:

my dad and beckie
my mom
loki and matt and ronan
my capability
my flickr buddies, who fill in the gaps of lonliness a little bit

too exhausted to think up titles for things

i did it! i survived my first week of school! i'm utterly exhausted, as is my mother, i'm sure.

it was hard. i'm not used to it yet. the concept of homework sort of baffles me ( i try to do it all at school, so as to make it seem less horrible)...i'm not used to spending time on things i don't want to do and don't really care about. or, i suppose i should say, don't interest me, because of course i care about doing well in school, and that is my prime motivating force. it doesn't matter if i don't give a rip about CS 120, it just matters that CS 120 is a step on my path to a graphic arts degree.

none of my classes are horrible, and actually, i enjoy them to some extent. probably not as much as i will enjoy taking art classes, but my teachers are awesome and funny, and that makes anything bearable. i've figured out where the computer lab is, and how to use it. i had my P.E. orientation this morning and am excited to get back into a gym again, having really missed my membership to ironworks. i've almost got the campus figured out, or at least the parts i need to use. i'm well on my way to being comfortable. i've even managed to say hello to people i recognize from class, as well as strike up simple conversations with strangers waiting in line, or sitting outside on break. i'm a functioning adult!

i haven't quite figured out how to balance everything yet, but i know that i will...i'm so tired after this long and stressful week, i am actually fantasizing about crawling in to bed as i type this. it's gonna be so good. and, i don't have to get up insanely early tomorrow! and i don't have to drive anywhere! i'm going to hang with the kids, plant the rest of my starts, soak in the stock tank, and use my brain as little as possible.

i am grateful for:

the success of the mortgage relief party (it was so helpful!)
the donation from sweetwater farm of a CSA box for the next month and a half (we got our first yummy bag today and it was lovely)
everyone who contributed what they could to help us through this fallow-money time (thank you so much, everyone!)
that my homework is not insurmountable
that my card to an old high school friend made it to its destination and was well received.
friends.

one good thing about being single

falling in love with yourself again.

it's the best thing in the world. especially if someone has been repugnant to you and rejected you and the things that you loved or wanted to share with them. it feels good to remember who you are, without trying to bend and twist to fit someone else.

things i love, and that i love loving:

music with great lyrics
playing games like boggle and scrabble
doing art
sewing my own pants
being really silly in the grocery store
a great book
a great word
colors
a thriving garden
eyeshadow
fruit--the look, the taste, the smell, the shape
walking
riding my bike
making stuff
paper
making envelopes
writing letters
writing everything
feeling my body work
clean sheets
clotheslines
rabbits
new underwear
printmaking
learning new information
making connections
having insights
freedom
sea salt
the ocean
awesome looking cars
photographs

just to name a few.

i am grateful for:

my wonderful counselor
the way things are fitting into place and smoothly working (even on the hard days)
fresh food
the generosity of my community
my self

the crushing weight of single parenthood

it's been a rough few days. i love my kids. i'm glad i have my kids. but i so need a break from my kids. and when i do get a break...it's awesome, but i just need another one.

jubal had such a day today. he was discontent. he didn't want to do anything. or he wanted to do everything, but when he did anything it wasn't the right thing. he was fussy. he kept asking about daddy. he kept wanting to nurse. he threw a bowl and it broke everywhere. i had to do stuff online for school (to do with accepting my loans) and he pitched fit after fit. the girls got into some weird dispute and i blew up about it and the baby cried. then the girls left to play with ronan, and it was just jubal and i with nothing being right. eventually he took a nap and i did my thing where i do about twenty different things at once for a couple of minutes at a time...dishes, laundry, check e-mail, more dishes, tidy up the floor, check flickr updates, etc...and he woke up too soon and wanted to nurse and be pacified while dozing, so i couldn't leave the bedroom and felt like i was wasting time. i don't want to feel like comforting jubal is a waste of time. there is so much to do all of the time, and anytime i'm doing something fun or something relaxing, i can't help but realize all the *stuff* i'm not getting done.

i had some bitter moments toward R. where i verbally macerated him in my head. how could he do this to me? how could he do this to jubal? how could he do this to vesta? how could he do this to hazel? how could he be so thoughtless? how could he be so short-sighted? how the hell do you promise to be with someone forever and then just give up? how do you choose to ignore all of your personal problems and let your life disintegrate? and then how do you just drop your family like it's nothing? what did i do to deserve this? why wasn't i lovable? why wasn't i enough?

and i had some lonely moments where i burned to be amused by a witty man, and kissed, and held. where i longed to be interesting and delightful to someone lovely and kind. where my chest ached with the pain of loneliness. where i felt totally overwhelmed by the singleness of my life. it's just me. it's just me here doing it all. not kissed. not cuddled. not loved. not adored. not amused. not supported by a lover. just me.

i admit it is hard to compose a list of gratitudes today, and usually they just roll off...
1) matt and loki for helping so much and being so generous.
2) dad for letting me talk for an hour several nights a week, seemingly without point.
3) mom, for coming down to be with the kids while i'm in school (and please, god, make that work).
4) the random kindness of strangers and acquaintances.
5) the faith that this feeling will pass.

tic-talk

my tic has persisted ALL DAY. by which i mean, actually all day long without letup. variances in intensity? yes. reprieve? no. it causes my insides to feel as if they are in constant motion. which causes motion sickness. i wonder if other people with tics have this nauseated side effect? i'd love to hear if they do. we are about to leave to drive to town, as the kids are having a sleepover at rodney's apartment. i am going out with my old high school best friend, erin (thanks facebook!). i guess it's fine if i just keep ticking away, but it would be neat to go out without causing a scene. oh well. at least i'm getting out. i haven't been this social since high school! when i get home i am sewing a special dress for loki, which i hope i remember to take a picture of, since it will be my first dress ever, not counting halloween costumes. blast this interfering tic. here's to hoping it doesn't screw up my driving. or my sewing.

i am grateful for:
the fact that it really is just a tic
my car
jubal
my new tarkio cd (thanks, aunt kim, i used my birthday money to get it and i love it!)
my impending alone time

argh

a vent:

my tic is acting up...there is shaking and lurching involved, as well as nausea and actual ticking (the jerky movements). it is interfering with my photography, my ability to eat, my ability to wash the dishes, my ability to carry the baby, and my ability to feel well. i have to drive into town later and am feeling nervous about that, because it is really bad.

the baby, sensing that i have been feeling like crap for a couple of days, is really up my bum about everything. it's hard to keep him happy or into anything, and it's hard to play with him because of all the shaking and lurching and ticking. and because i feel like crap and have for two days and want to be alone but can't. he is whining a lot, throwing things, fussing, kicking, and not being satisfied with anything. his loudness and dissatisfaction feeds the ticking, causing it to be even worse. vicious cycle ensues.

two of our pets have died in the last week. the guinea pig and bunny that lived outside. the guinea pig i imagine was just that old, the bunny may have died of loneliness from losing her friend. but the dog, who has turned stubborn and mean and aggressive, refuses to die or run away or behave. greenhill won't take him because of his weird new aggressive behavior and his mysterious allergy that results in a randomly occurring horrid skin condition that is ugly and expensive. i have a couple more places to call, and then i don't know what to do. he tried to bite both vesta and me a few days ago and i have just reached my limit with him. everything i have to deal with PLUS an unreliable, expensive, potentially dangerous dog (who also started marking territory in the house! hello, outside living!)--no, i cannot do it. suggestions for dealing with this dog are welcome via comments or e-mails or phone calls.

that's it. that's my vent. i try not to do it too much, but sometimes it helps shift things around.

i am grateful for:
vesta
hazel
my house
my financial aid award
my bed

self reflection

look me in the eye and say it like you mean it
Originally uploaded by hedgenettle

i am wondering this:
why, if i'm happier and healthier now than i've been in almost 2 years, does it still have to hurt? what is the point of the discomfort?

in my therapy session on friday i gained insight into why i have allowed myself to be in situations that i know are not right for me, and which are not healthy or satisfying. this is insight i'm profoundly grateful for and will use in all of my future decisions...last week i was at brian and t's house for a blue mountain meeting and afterward a small group of us were jawing about relationships and being left and etc...and joel said something about how we sometimes compromise ourselves in relationships and that rang so true for me. i saw myself compromising my own values, my own person, my own soul because i was afraid--i guess afraid of not being loved--and it's so interesting to me because i saw myself doing it at the time, but i kept doing it anyways. it just seems so strange. why would i do that? and why is the need to feel loved (even when it's obvious that what is happening really isn't LOVE) such a powerful force for me? i already know why (some of those gory details i mentioned last post) but i guess it's a matter of processing it so i can know it in my logical brain and use the information and insight, rather than feeling it at some core level that just causes me to react without thinking it through.

ah, self reflection.

i am grateful for:
trust
truth
hope
fineness
love

it must be something in the air

here's a link i saw on neil gaiman's twitter stream (yes, i use twitter. and yes, i pretty much only use it to see what neil gaiman and colin meloy say. and yes, i admit that i have silly crushes on talented men.)

http://yuki-onna.livejournal.com/487082.html

someone else in need, a writer on the verge of penilessness...i just think it's interesting that so many of us are struggling so much right now. and i think it's cool that we are coming up with creative ways of surviving. it's not a writer i'm familiar with, but i thought i'd pass it along. just in case any of you were, or wanted to check out the link, or send some money in exchange for her stories.

i was thinking the other day of starting a new blog which is like a craft lottery...send a dollar you get a chance to win THIS AWESOME TOTE BAG! kind of thing. hopefully i won't have to go there. i've looked at my budget repeatedly, and i think that after the next rough couple of months, that we're actually going to be fine (assuming nothing big breaks). frugally fine, but fine.

i am grateful for:
1) my counseling session (i'm trying to figure out a way to explain the process without traumatizing you with the gory details, because just in one session i have learned so much and had my perceptions shift so amazingly. i want to share about it so that any of you that could benefit from it will know about it. but i want to do it in a way that i don't have to tell you all the horrid crap of my life. so, i'll keep thinking about that).

2) the internet.

3) the people who sent a little something. you know who you are. thank you.

4) jubal. i am truly blessed to mother that child.

5) time passing

6) (a bonus gratitude!) i re-discovered my old high school best friend on facebook and we have really hit it off all over again, in this amazingly synchronistic way that is clearly going to be so good for us both. it's wonderfully exciting and i am so genuinely pleased.

diy: laundry soap

glop
Originally uploaded by hedgenettle

okay, here is the long awaited recipe for my world-famous homemade laundry soap. it works as well as any environmentally friendly laundry soap, probably not as well as something like Tide, but i wouldn't know really because i don't use Tide or other detergents. i got the frame of reference for my recipe from tipnut .com (http://tipnut.com/10-homemade-laundry-soap-detergent-recipes/) but originally i couldn't find the super washing soda, so i tried the just baking soda recipe...then when i found the washing soda, i made my next batch from memory--an ephemeral thing--eventually i discovered that i had remembered it wrong, but my soap works, and now i can claim it as my own recipe. so, go inaccurate memory!

there are photos of the different ingredients and what the stages look like here: http://www.flickr.com/photos/hedgenettle/sets/72157619580250226/ sorry, but it's too much of a pain in the butt to re-upload them all here, just go to the link if you want to see them.

you will need:

a big bucket (i usually use one of those cat litter buckets, which i would guess is around 2 1/2 gallons)

something to stir with (i use my big hefty soap making spatula, but a wooden spoon would be fine)

a double boiler of some kind (a pot or bowl over another pot of boiling water) make sure whatever you're using to melt the soap in is non-reactive (glass/stainless steel/enamel)

a bar of soap (this should be real soap, not moisturizing bars or anything that is super-fatted (super-fatted means they add extra oil to it to make it more moisturizing) i use plain bulk glycerin soap, but you could use something like ivory or whatever, as long as it's actually soap)

baking soda--1 cup

washing soda--1 cup (this is usually found in the laundry aisle by the borax and whatnot, but it can be hard to find. i got mine at winco in springfield. i *think* it's the same as soda ash, like you would use for dying fabric, so you could probably find it at art and craft stores. you can also order it online.)

2 gallons of water

essential oil (optional, but recommended)

the steps:
1) get your 2 gallons of water in the bucket.
2) prepare your soap: if it's glycerin you can just chop it up. if it's other soap you have to grate it.
3) put a little of the water into your double boiler and add the soap.
4) double boil it to melt the soap (i don't know how long it takes with non-glycerin, but my version is really quick)
5) while your soap is melting, measure your baking soda and washing soda and add them to the bucket of water. stir.
6) now your soap should be melted. add it to the bucket.
7) stir some more.
8) leave it alone.
9) go back and stir it throughout the duration of it's cool-down...like, several times over the day or something. if you don't want to stir it all the time, you should have an immersion blender. if you have an immersion blender: leave it alone and go back to it later that night or the next day and immersion blend the crap out of it, so it's not too chunky.
10) bottle it up (wine bottles make for a classy presentation, but vinegar bottles, milk jugs, old detergent bottles, etc. all work fine. if you are using an opaque container--i know this seems obvious, but keep it in mind when you are actually pouring!!!--keep checking the level as you pour, or it makes a big overflowed mess)...i find it handy to pour my soap into a funnel placed in my container of choice...and if there are a few chunks that didn't get stirred or blended away, you can poke them through with a chopstick.

and a few notes:

use 1/2 cup for an average full load. for a super dirty load, or diapers, use 1 cup.

it doesn't look like store-bought detergent. it looks like a big, thick, lumpy glop. it's not smooth and clear and liquidy.

if you put the melted soap water into the bucket with the sodas before you add the rest of the 2 gallons of water, sometimes it fizzes all funlike...so if you want that, add the water after the soap.

there was some discussion on the tipnut forum about the likelihood of mold growing in the laundry soap. i go through mine so fast, that i doubt it's even an issue, but i've taken to adding essential oil to the soap after it's all cooled (1/2 a teaspoon) which should prevent the growth of mold and will leave your clothes smelling nice, if you line dry. if you machine dry, the e.o. evaporates. if you are REALLY worried about it, but still want to make your own laundry soap, check out the tipnut links for powdered soap recipes.

i think that's it. please comment or e mail or call me if you have questions or i left out any glaringly obvious details. this is REALLY easy and FAST and it will save you A LOT of money, especially if you are buying the environmentally friendly kind. which reminds me, i was never able to find good information on the sustainability/environmental impact of baking soda and washing soda...but they are mined or created in a lab, so, yeah, not ideal. but probably more ideal than buying and using petroleum based detergents, especially since you'd be getting a new bottle every time, and that bottle was shipped from somewhere far away, etc. and the "environmentally friendly" ones probably have pretty similar ingredients as mine. so, unless you're growing your own soapnuts and washing in your rain barrel, and filtering it through some gravel and then using the greywater to water your soapnut plants...it's probably the best convenient laundry soap option out there.

enjoy.

laundry soap teaser

melt the soap bits in a double boiler with some of your water
Originally uploaded by hedgenettle

i know i said i would post the recipe today, but guess what? i was really busy having an awesome day without time to blog! so, i will post it tomorrow. in the meantime if you are just dying to get started, you can look at my flickr page and see all the photos and read their blurbs and get inspired.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/hedgenettle/sets/72157619580250226/

i am grateful for:
1) my art department adviser (he cleared me for advance registration! woot!)
2) the time rodney spends with the kids
3) my car
4) my dad's gas card
5) food

this stuff has got to come from somewhere...yet another plea

meeting to discuss the divorce papers
Originally uploaded by hedgenettle

here's our status and what still needs to arrive...

the kids are doing phenomenally well. i can't stress this enough. it's hard and they're sad, we're sad...our world has vastly shifted. we're earthquaked, tsunamied, tornadoed, war-torn. we're all raw and lonely and there are moments of sadness and distress every day. but all the other moments are good ones...we're gardening together, playing together, doing chores together, reading our books, playing games, vegging out watching a show on t.v. together...R. and i were able to lay out a visit schedule for the next term of school (we're unfortunately going to have to do this every term), so now it is known when they will see him and for how long, and that is a relief for all of us. their first over-night is tonight and i am really hoping jubal is okay with it, as he won't be nursing before bed or first thing in the morning...all i can do is hope that being with daddy is better than nursing mommy. it seems like it will be.

i got my first child support check at the first of the month and soon after a lot of my bills rolled in. they are paid and nothing is outstanding at this moment, but the electric bill hasn't come (and with it the request for my $155 deposit!!! eek) and i have no idea when it will. i have about $50 in my bank account and another $20 in my wallet. that's it. for the whole rest of the month.

so here's my plea, again:
if you know and love us, send a check. if you can spare a hundred, or fifty, or twenty, or hell, even five...send it. if you normally send a christmas check, send it now instead. the relief of knowing i have enough to cover the bills that still need to roll in will be the best gift ever. my financial aid kicks in mid-july, assuming all goes correctly. so now is the time, now is the zone for which i need a buffer. i wouldn't ask if we didn't need it.

i know people feel weird about giving people money. trust me, i feel weird about asking for it. but there is no getting around the fact that i need it. i just do. so i'm asking. if you feel really weird about it, BUY SOMETHING from me. there are a few things in the etsy shop, i have a box of various citrus-smelling glycerin soaps, i have three veggie applique tote bags that aren't up on etsy yet, i could even make a custom bag/zip pouch/whatever if what you want matches something in my fabric stash (which is ample). tell me what you want and i'll do my best to make it. or front me for future design work. or WHATEVER. people have given us bags of clothes and bags of groceries, which is awesome. but i need cash. it's only a small window. i'll spend it well. it'll go to a good place. it's for the kids, the house, our life. it'll come back to you some day just how you need it to.

and on that topic: loki is throwing us a mortgage relief party. i'll post the invites later, but the date is 20 june and it starts at 5:00, so save the date, as it were. and if you can't come, and can't send a check...pray the party is a huge success.

on a more pleasant note--i made a new batch of laundry soap today and will post the recipe and pictures tonight or tomorrow. finally!

divorce paper lunch

10/365
Originally uploaded by hedgenettle

sad, sad, sad.

feeling too human, too aware, too alone, too empty, too dismayed.

shifting stuff in your brain

me feeling lighter already after meeting my counselor
Originally uploaded by hedgenettle

i met with my very own counselor for the first time this morning. we talked about my situation, of course, and what i want to get out of counseling...and he told me about some interesting work he's been doing with "re-bonding" parent/child couples (in this case where the child is still a child and the lack of proper bond is causing health problems)...and that he's trying to figure out how to do the same with adult children...who maybe aren't going to go through the process with their parents, but could still benefit from letting go of the memories that were hard or horrible or whatever, that are still stored in the primitive brain (the medulla oblongata, i believe) and so are still charged with all this emotional *stuff*...and, i inferred, affecting our decision-making processes (and health)...anyone who knows me knows i had a really messed up childhood, despite how awesome my dad is...so there's a lot of stuff. and i know exactly what it did to me (made me starved for love and loving attention). so, i won't go into all the complexities of the therapy just yet, but the point of it is to shift those emotionally charged memories from the primal brain to the cerebrum, where we can still have the memories, but they aren't loaded with all that useless emotional charge. the ultimate goal being that i could become more like someone who had a good, healthy childhood and make decisions based on that, rather than from that place of being so hungry to be loved and perceived as worthy...i tend to ignore a few key red flags when making decisions from that place.
of course i went to the session with some of that in mind...knowing what my issues are, but having no idea how to deal with them or that he would recommend this specific, interesting, seemingly quite effective method of therapy (having found therapists/counselors mostly useless before)...and he basically said...this process (of moving the memories, and thereby discharging all that emotional energy) will not only help me feel and be happier and healthier, but also more attractive to THE KIND OF MEN I ACTUALLY WANT TO BE ATTRACTED TO ME! because, of course, healthy people want to be with healthy people, not sick or hurt people who make messed up choices. yeah, that's what i want. the thought is exciting.

so i feel good.

i am grateful for:
my counselor
my garden
my son
my girls
my mom

the frieda k. of babies

the frieda k. of babies
Originally uploaded by hedgenettle

i just wanted to show off this picture. is he perfect, or what?!

it's obvious what i'm grateful for

finally figured out my school schedule

finally figured out my school schedule
Originally uploaded by hedgenettle

i finally figured it out and i cannot possibly describe how totally hard and frustrating it was. it was horrible, stressful, rude, uncomfortable, awful, sickening, and terrible. you can feel free to infer other synonyms, as well.

i am publicly declaring my undying love and gratitude to the man i spoke to in the financial aid department who guided me to the one credit, non-scheduled (you go on your own time and keep track of how often you go) physical fitness class. all i needed was a credit, and one that wouldn't mess up the rest of my schedule. it wasn't his job or his department, but he helped me and i am always going to be thankful for that. i really wanted to just flail my head against some rocks for a while.

this situation is totally unjust and i never, ever would have predicted it. and the really messed up thing is, i know R. probably gives himself props for how generous with his time and money he's being. when he started going to school, he frequently said how impossible it would be to have a job on top if it...but he has no problem saddling me with the prospect of full time school, a job to make ends meet, and raising three kids...i joked back then about finally understanding the point of alimony, because i had to do EVERYTHING else on the homefront, and it finally made sense. of course, he won't give me alimony, or even temporary spousal support. because he sucks that much. and i can't make him because i can't afford a lawyer, and i don't want to drag this thing out anyways, or make a lot of bitter feelings. so i just have to suck it up.

i am grateful for that man in the financial aid department, to the fifth degree. thank you, kind man.

what i'm open to receiving...

skinny leggs lookin' carrot
Originally uploaded by hedgenettle

here's a picture of a funny carrot i found while prepping dinner last night...

and here's a list of what i'm drawing to my life:

a job i can do from home that pays decent and isn't going to completely wipe me out (monthly goal: $500)

a sponsor/private donor/private lender with good terms

regular massages

people to host the kids for hours-long blocks on a regular basis, who think it's fun and love doing it and don't want to be paid

if you think of a creative solution to any of these objectives (or want to volunteer on the last one) let me know.

i'm grateful for:
my camera
my children
my family and friends
my skin
the change in weather

basically, it never ends...another bad morning

basically, it never ends...another bad morning
Originally uploaded by hedgenettle

more waking up to feeling totally sick...it just isn't reasonable that i should have to do all this alone. we made this family together. we made jubal together...now R. just wants to see the kids once or twice a week and pay $400 a month for their care? and i'm left to do all the parenting, and pay all the bills, and i'm supposed to be physically here for the kids and stay calm and nice and loving and fun? my life feels all ripped to shreds.

how can there not be any relief from this? how can a person be expected to handle all of this? how can there be no fecking justice in the world? where the hell is the man i married and who is this new guy?

i just feel so completely sick, in every way possible.

what it's hard not to fixate on

r. is messed up. he's been messed up this whole time. he was messed up long before i met him. he will likely be messed up long after i move on with my life.

it's so clear to me now, just how much of our problems were directly caused by his being messed up. his energy made the whole house heavy, and it kept him from being a good father and a good husband. it wasn't anything i did and it wasn't anything the kids did. he's just messed up.

he's always had new life-itis...if this or that happens, then this problem will be resolved. of course i never realized that he would take it to this extreme. he really WANTED a family. he said i was a good wife. i was. i assumed that under the canopy of a loving family, next to his supportive wife, he'd be able to deal with whatever messed him up. it really seemed that way. but he just got more and more messed up. he seemed only mildly, and understandably, messed up initially--and given his upbringing, it made sense. he just deteriorated. i don't think he realized that just starting his new life (with us, i mean) wouldn't be enough...that to really be better, he would have to look at and address whatever it was that messed him up. once he realized it wasn't enough, rather than saying okay, i gotta deal with this, he got scared and refused to look at it...and got more messed up. then he became unbearable and i was on the verge of telling him to leave, i'd had enough...which he probably sensed anyways...so he started setting up the pins for his new life...the unchallenging girlfriend who will listen all supportively to his feelings about his messed up marriage (omitting the blatant fact that his marriage was just a mirror for his messed up self...and this is why the girlfriend has to be unchallenging, a smart woman wouldn't let that slide). and then he left. and then he cut off all non-business related contact between us, so i couldn't say things like this to him (i'm not the unchallenging girlfriend type), and got into his new girlfriend and his new life and keeps anything that might challenge what he's doing far, far away.

yeah. it's hard not to fixate on this. because i am 100 percent convinced of it. so it's frustrating. he could just choose to face whatever messed him up. he could just deal with it. he'd have a loving, supportive wife and best friend to help him through. but he refuses. and it's really sad, because, he doesn't see that he's running away from himself...and he can never escape himself...and he's just going to keep ping-ponging off the girls and the friends in his life, cutting all ties, removing all challenges...until he deals with his problems or dies.

so i get all tight in the chest and feel like i might throw up and want to see him and say all this to him, but know it wouldn't do any good right now, so i write instead. and i feed the kids breakfast. and i make plans for my future. and water the garden. and play with jubal. and just keep going. maybe he'll see it someday...and we're connected, we're married, we made a baby together, and i KNOW him...so when he sees it, i'll be here to listen if he wants. and if he never wants to, that's not my problem. but it is sad.

i'm grateful for:
the stock tank
dirt
the phone
people taking the kids for a few hours
that school starts soon

life keeps wanting lived

jubal and me in the pub
Originally uploaded by hedgenettle

dad had the kids today (thanks again, dad!) while i went to town and did my placement tests (reading comprehension 117/120, sentence skills 111/120, math (ahem) 81/120...it's been a while on the math skill use, and those sentence skills? sorry, but they were the worst sentences ever! i missed a few because they were so lame. anyways everything passed well within the range of being "able to benefit" and i'm good to go...

when dad brought the kids back yesterday vesta was quick to point out that it was art walk night.

ugh. i filled with dread at the thought of taking three kids, one of them 2! to art walk. it seemed really hard and annoying and i didn't want to go...but i also really don't want to mess up the kids' routines and constantly disappoint them with how tired and depressed i am, or make them feel worthless because i never want to do anything with them. so i slapped on some eyeshadow and lip gloss (i know, if you know me, you're going "what? lip gloss? make up?" with genuine confusion...yeah, i wear it now, it helps perk me up a little bit, makes me feel sparkly and fresh, and it sort of demarcates which events are elevated in my day....going to school for orientations: make up; sitting on the back porch crying and dribbling popcicles on myself: no make up)...so, i anticipated this being incredibly difficult because of managing jubal, but it totally wasn't. the girls hung with jubal while i fixed him a plate of snacks and bought myself a beer at the pub, then they went off on their own (together) to cruise their favorite parts of art walk while jubal and i listened to the musicians, chatted with the people in the seats near us, ate our snack, and, in my case, drank a beer. then we went and found the girls and went back to the little courtyard thing by the pub, where hazel and i hung with jubal while vesta struck off with some friends for a bit. it wasn't stressful, it was fun.

a couple of girls from blue mountain showed up, and i spoke to the older one about whether she babysits, what her schedule is like, and if she'd be interested in babysitting for me sometimes...she does, she has a very open schedule, and she would be interested in babysitting sometimes. so now i feel a lot of relief around the whole "what do i do with the kids?!" thing, because here is another person i can put in my resource pocket.

i can do this. it won't always be easy and i'm going to need a lot of help...it's not my ideal way of raising a family, but i can do this, and we'll be okay.

i'm grateful for:
friends
opportunities
almay lip gloss
babysitters
hope

http://www.flickr.com/photos/hedgenettle/
for more pictures of art walk and other stuff we're doing.

woke up at 2:30 this morning...

woke up at 2:30 this morning...
Originally uploaded by hedgenettle

the dog was scratching at my door and i was still half dressed, having dozed off putting jubal to sleep. i feel like i can get back to sleep soon for a few more hours, though.

tomorrow i have my placement tests at LCC, which should go fine...other than my math, which is totally rusty, and i expect to place low...which is still fine, frankly i don't want to take a challenging math class right now. the reading and writing i expect to pass with flying colors. and then some. my placement test are called "ability to benefit" tests--which i have to take because i never graduated high school. i'm feeling pretty able to benefit right now.

speaking of which...loki is planning a mortgage relief party for us on june 20th, more details to come. i spent some time thinking about that this evening, because i'm designing the invitations...thinking about fun things like: what size, what format, do i put a picture of me and the kids on it?...and less fun things like: should i ask the printshop for a my-husband-just-ditched-us-single-mom-of-three discount to print them? it seems like a reasonable discount to request, and i'm a regular customer. it's strange how i feel no shame or nervousness at the thought of asking for it, either. i mean, my husband just totally LEFT us and i'm so broke my friend has to throw me a party to raise money. i need a freaking discount!

i had a horrible moment last night where i felt so completely exhausted, i just wanted to call rodney and see if he was completely exhausted yet, too. i didn't do it, of course, because i know he isn't yet...he's not taking care of three kids, a house, a dog, scrambling to make money, and depressed because his best friend and life partner just freaking ditched them all suddenly and randomly. he was probably at his new idiotic girlfriend's house playing video games. it sucks for him that by the time he does get exhausted, and his dumb girlfriend dumps him for being an angry jerk, i will have spent my normal amount of time feeling this way and coping and will be fully recovered...probably with a boyfriend of my own. god i hope that happens.

infinite jest...join us!

infinite jest...join us!
Originally uploaded by hedgenettle

the other night i was checking out colin meloy's twitter page. yeah, what of it? i have a crush on him! anyways, he tweeted (?) about infinite summer www.infinitesummer.org and i was inspired...since i sold almost all of my books to the local bookstore, i have a lot of credit right now, so i went and picked up infinite jest (by david foster wallace) and i'm going to attempt to join the summerlong movement (all the details of the "infinite summer" are at the link above) reading 75 pages a week, all summer long...it's corny, yes, but i love the idea of reading the same book as colin meloy at the same time he's reading it. (by the way, i know you're all going "who IS colin meloy?"...he's the songwriter and singer of the decemberists and my biggest famous crush pretty much ever--well, except for patrick swayze, but i was 12 then!).

it's kind of ironic, because the summer that rodney and i started "dating" he bought two copies of this book called skepticism inc. (i think) by bo fowler and we read it together and talked about it, and it also had a bluey, cloudy cover. so now i get to read a much better bluey, cloudy covered book with my pretend boyfriend, colin (and thousand of other people). bittersweet because of course the first person i wanted to ask to join me was rodney. s'okay, though.

if you're remotely interested, here's all the links i can find:

http://www.infinitesummer.org/
http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=101116901411&ref=nf
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0316066524?ie=UTF8&tag=infsum-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=0316066524
http://www.metafilter.com/81834/Infinite-Summer

also there's a twitter stream for it, but i can't seem to link that, but you can get to it from the first link.

oh, yes, i suppose i should mention something of the plot...well, i'll just say a bit from the back cover blurb....

"infinite jest explores essential questions about what entertainment is and why it has come to dominate our lives; about how our desire for entertainment affects our need to connect with other people; and about what the pleasures we choose say about who we are."

which makes it sound non-fictiony, but it's a novel and supposedly hilarious. that topic is spot-on for me, right now.

join me! let's read it.