too exhausted to think up titles for things

i did it! i survived my first week of school! i'm utterly exhausted, as is my mother, i'm sure.

it was hard. i'm not used to it yet. the concept of homework sort of baffles me ( i try to do it all at school, so as to make it seem less horrible)...i'm not used to spending time on things i don't want to do and don't really care about. or, i suppose i should say, don't interest me, because of course i care about doing well in school, and that is my prime motivating force. it doesn't matter if i don't give a rip about CS 120, it just matters that CS 120 is a step on my path to a graphic arts degree.

none of my classes are horrible, and actually, i enjoy them to some extent. probably not as much as i will enjoy taking art classes, but my teachers are awesome and funny, and that makes anything bearable. i've figured out where the computer lab is, and how to use it. i had my P.E. orientation this morning and am excited to get back into a gym again, having really missed my membership to ironworks. i've almost got the campus figured out, or at least the parts i need to use. i'm well on my way to being comfortable. i've even managed to say hello to people i recognize from class, as well as strike up simple conversations with strangers waiting in line, or sitting outside on break. i'm a functioning adult!

i haven't quite figured out how to balance everything yet, but i know that i will...i'm so tired after this long and stressful week, i am actually fantasizing about crawling in to bed as i type this. it's gonna be so good. and, i don't have to get up insanely early tomorrow! and i don't have to drive anywhere! i'm going to hang with the kids, plant the rest of my starts, soak in the stock tank, and use my brain as little as possible.

i am grateful for:

the success of the mortgage relief party (it was so helpful!)
the donation from sweetwater farm of a CSA box for the next month and a half (we got our first yummy bag today and it was lovely)
everyone who contributed what they could to help us through this fallow-money time (thank you so much, everyone!)
that my homework is not insurmountable
that my card to an old high school friend made it to its destination and was well received.
friends.

one good thing about being single

falling in love with yourself again.

it's the best thing in the world. especially if someone has been repugnant to you and rejected you and the things that you loved or wanted to share with them. it feels good to remember who you are, without trying to bend and twist to fit someone else.

things i love, and that i love loving:

music with great lyrics
playing games like boggle and scrabble
doing art
sewing my own pants
being really silly in the grocery store
a great book
a great word
colors
a thriving garden
eyeshadow
fruit--the look, the taste, the smell, the shape
walking
riding my bike
making stuff
paper
making envelopes
writing letters
writing everything
feeling my body work
clean sheets
clotheslines
rabbits
new underwear
printmaking
learning new information
making connections
having insights
freedom
sea salt
the ocean
awesome looking cars
photographs

just to name a few.

i am grateful for:

my wonderful counselor
the way things are fitting into place and smoothly working (even on the hard days)
fresh food
the generosity of my community
my self

the crushing weight of single parenthood

it's been a rough few days. i love my kids. i'm glad i have my kids. but i so need a break from my kids. and when i do get a break...it's awesome, but i just need another one.

jubal had such a day today. he was discontent. he didn't want to do anything. or he wanted to do everything, but when he did anything it wasn't the right thing. he was fussy. he kept asking about daddy. he kept wanting to nurse. he threw a bowl and it broke everywhere. i had to do stuff online for school (to do with accepting my loans) and he pitched fit after fit. the girls got into some weird dispute and i blew up about it and the baby cried. then the girls left to play with ronan, and it was just jubal and i with nothing being right. eventually he took a nap and i did my thing where i do about twenty different things at once for a couple of minutes at a time...dishes, laundry, check e-mail, more dishes, tidy up the floor, check flickr updates, etc...and he woke up too soon and wanted to nurse and be pacified while dozing, so i couldn't leave the bedroom and felt like i was wasting time. i don't want to feel like comforting jubal is a waste of time. there is so much to do all of the time, and anytime i'm doing something fun or something relaxing, i can't help but realize all the *stuff* i'm not getting done.

i had some bitter moments toward R. where i verbally macerated him in my head. how could he do this to me? how could he do this to jubal? how could he do this to vesta? how could he do this to hazel? how could he be so thoughtless? how could he be so short-sighted? how the hell do you promise to be with someone forever and then just give up? how do you choose to ignore all of your personal problems and let your life disintegrate? and then how do you just drop your family like it's nothing? what did i do to deserve this? why wasn't i lovable? why wasn't i enough?

and i had some lonely moments where i burned to be amused by a witty man, and kissed, and held. where i longed to be interesting and delightful to someone lovely and kind. where my chest ached with the pain of loneliness. where i felt totally overwhelmed by the singleness of my life. it's just me. it's just me here doing it all. not kissed. not cuddled. not loved. not adored. not amused. not supported by a lover. just me.

i admit it is hard to compose a list of gratitudes today, and usually they just roll off...
1) matt and loki for helping so much and being so generous.
2) dad for letting me talk for an hour several nights a week, seemingly without point.
3) mom, for coming down to be with the kids while i'm in school (and please, god, make that work).
4) the random kindness of strangers and acquaintances.
5) the faith that this feeling will pass.

tic-talk

my tic has persisted ALL DAY. by which i mean, actually all day long without letup. variances in intensity? yes. reprieve? no. it causes my insides to feel as if they are in constant motion. which causes motion sickness. i wonder if other people with tics have this nauseated side effect? i'd love to hear if they do. we are about to leave to drive to town, as the kids are having a sleepover at rodney's apartment. i am going out with my old high school best friend, erin (thanks facebook!). i guess it's fine if i just keep ticking away, but it would be neat to go out without causing a scene. oh well. at least i'm getting out. i haven't been this social since high school! when i get home i am sewing a special dress for loki, which i hope i remember to take a picture of, since it will be my first dress ever, not counting halloween costumes. blast this interfering tic. here's to hoping it doesn't screw up my driving. or my sewing.

i am grateful for:
the fact that it really is just a tic
my car
jubal
my new tarkio cd (thanks, aunt kim, i used my birthday money to get it and i love it!)
my impending alone time

argh

a vent:

my tic is acting up...there is shaking and lurching involved, as well as nausea and actual ticking (the jerky movements). it is interfering with my photography, my ability to eat, my ability to wash the dishes, my ability to carry the baby, and my ability to feel well. i have to drive into town later and am feeling nervous about that, because it is really bad.

the baby, sensing that i have been feeling like crap for a couple of days, is really up my bum about everything. it's hard to keep him happy or into anything, and it's hard to play with him because of all the shaking and lurching and ticking. and because i feel like crap and have for two days and want to be alone but can't. he is whining a lot, throwing things, fussing, kicking, and not being satisfied with anything. his loudness and dissatisfaction feeds the ticking, causing it to be even worse. vicious cycle ensues.

two of our pets have died in the last week. the guinea pig and bunny that lived outside. the guinea pig i imagine was just that old, the bunny may have died of loneliness from losing her friend. but the dog, who has turned stubborn and mean and aggressive, refuses to die or run away or behave. greenhill won't take him because of his weird new aggressive behavior and his mysterious allergy that results in a randomly occurring horrid skin condition that is ugly and expensive. i have a couple more places to call, and then i don't know what to do. he tried to bite both vesta and me a few days ago and i have just reached my limit with him. everything i have to deal with PLUS an unreliable, expensive, potentially dangerous dog (who also started marking territory in the house! hello, outside living!)--no, i cannot do it. suggestions for dealing with this dog are welcome via comments or e-mails or phone calls.

that's it. that's my vent. i try not to do it too much, but sometimes it helps shift things around.

i am grateful for:
vesta
hazel
my house
my financial aid award
my bed

self reflection

look me in the eye and say it like you mean it
Originally uploaded by hedgenettle

i am wondering this:
why, if i'm happier and healthier now than i've been in almost 2 years, does it still have to hurt? what is the point of the discomfort?

in my therapy session on friday i gained insight into why i have allowed myself to be in situations that i know are not right for me, and which are not healthy or satisfying. this is insight i'm profoundly grateful for and will use in all of my future decisions...last week i was at brian and t's house for a blue mountain meeting and afterward a small group of us were jawing about relationships and being left and etc...and joel said something about how we sometimes compromise ourselves in relationships and that rang so true for me. i saw myself compromising my own values, my own person, my own soul because i was afraid--i guess afraid of not being loved--and it's so interesting to me because i saw myself doing it at the time, but i kept doing it anyways. it just seems so strange. why would i do that? and why is the need to feel loved (even when it's obvious that what is happening really isn't LOVE) such a powerful force for me? i already know why (some of those gory details i mentioned last post) but i guess it's a matter of processing it so i can know it in my logical brain and use the information and insight, rather than feeling it at some core level that just causes me to react without thinking it through.

ah, self reflection.

i am grateful for:
trust
truth
hope
fineness
love

it must be something in the air

here's a link i saw on neil gaiman's twitter stream (yes, i use twitter. and yes, i pretty much only use it to see what neil gaiman and colin meloy say. and yes, i admit that i have silly crushes on talented men.)

http://yuki-onna.livejournal.com/487082.html

someone else in need, a writer on the verge of penilessness...i just think it's interesting that so many of us are struggling so much right now. and i think it's cool that we are coming up with creative ways of surviving. it's not a writer i'm familiar with, but i thought i'd pass it along. just in case any of you were, or wanted to check out the link, or send some money in exchange for her stories.

i was thinking the other day of starting a new blog which is like a craft lottery...send a dollar you get a chance to win THIS AWESOME TOTE BAG! kind of thing. hopefully i won't have to go there. i've looked at my budget repeatedly, and i think that after the next rough couple of months, that we're actually going to be fine (assuming nothing big breaks). frugally fine, but fine.

i am grateful for:
1) my counseling session (i'm trying to figure out a way to explain the process without traumatizing you with the gory details, because just in one session i have learned so much and had my perceptions shift so amazingly. i want to share about it so that any of you that could benefit from it will know about it. but i want to do it in a way that i don't have to tell you all the horrid crap of my life. so, i'll keep thinking about that).

2) the internet.

3) the people who sent a little something. you know who you are. thank you.

4) jubal. i am truly blessed to mother that child.

5) time passing

6) (a bonus gratitude!) i re-discovered my old high school best friend on facebook and we have really hit it off all over again, in this amazingly synchronistic way that is clearly going to be so good for us both. it's wonderfully exciting and i am so genuinely pleased.

diy: laundry soap

glop
Originally uploaded by hedgenettle

okay, here is the long awaited recipe for my world-famous homemade laundry soap. it works as well as any environmentally friendly laundry soap, probably not as well as something like Tide, but i wouldn't know really because i don't use Tide or other detergents. i got the frame of reference for my recipe from tipnut .com (http://tipnut.com/10-homemade-laundry-soap-detergent-recipes/) but originally i couldn't find the super washing soda, so i tried the just baking soda recipe...then when i found the washing soda, i made my next batch from memory--an ephemeral thing--eventually i discovered that i had remembered it wrong, but my soap works, and now i can claim it as my own recipe. so, go inaccurate memory!

there are photos of the different ingredients and what the stages look like here: http://www.flickr.com/photos/hedgenettle/sets/72157619580250226/ sorry, but it's too much of a pain in the butt to re-upload them all here, just go to the link if you want to see them.

you will need:

a big bucket (i usually use one of those cat litter buckets, which i would guess is around 2 1/2 gallons)

something to stir with (i use my big hefty soap making spatula, but a wooden spoon would be fine)

a double boiler of some kind (a pot or bowl over another pot of boiling water) make sure whatever you're using to melt the soap in is non-reactive (glass/stainless steel/enamel)

a bar of soap (this should be real soap, not moisturizing bars or anything that is super-fatted (super-fatted means they add extra oil to it to make it more moisturizing) i use plain bulk glycerin soap, but you could use something like ivory or whatever, as long as it's actually soap)

baking soda--1 cup

washing soda--1 cup (this is usually found in the laundry aisle by the borax and whatnot, but it can be hard to find. i got mine at winco in springfield. i *think* it's the same as soda ash, like you would use for dying fabric, so you could probably find it at art and craft stores. you can also order it online.)

2 gallons of water

essential oil (optional, but recommended)

the steps:
1) get your 2 gallons of water in the bucket.
2) prepare your soap: if it's glycerin you can just chop it up. if it's other soap you have to grate it.
3) put a little of the water into your double boiler and add the soap.
4) double boil it to melt the soap (i don't know how long it takes with non-glycerin, but my version is really quick)
5) while your soap is melting, measure your baking soda and washing soda and add them to the bucket of water. stir.
6) now your soap should be melted. add it to the bucket.
7) stir some more.
8) leave it alone.
9) go back and stir it throughout the duration of it's cool-down...like, several times over the day or something. if you don't want to stir it all the time, you should have an immersion blender. if you have an immersion blender: leave it alone and go back to it later that night or the next day and immersion blend the crap out of it, so it's not too chunky.
10) bottle it up (wine bottles make for a classy presentation, but vinegar bottles, milk jugs, old detergent bottles, etc. all work fine. if you are using an opaque container--i know this seems obvious, but keep it in mind when you are actually pouring!!!--keep checking the level as you pour, or it makes a big overflowed mess)...i find it handy to pour my soap into a funnel placed in my container of choice...and if there are a few chunks that didn't get stirred or blended away, you can poke them through with a chopstick.

and a few notes:

use 1/2 cup for an average full load. for a super dirty load, or diapers, use 1 cup.

it doesn't look like store-bought detergent. it looks like a big, thick, lumpy glop. it's not smooth and clear and liquidy.

if you put the melted soap water into the bucket with the sodas before you add the rest of the 2 gallons of water, sometimes it fizzes all funlike...so if you want that, add the water after the soap.

there was some discussion on the tipnut forum about the likelihood of mold growing in the laundry soap. i go through mine so fast, that i doubt it's even an issue, but i've taken to adding essential oil to the soap after it's all cooled (1/2 a teaspoon) which should prevent the growth of mold and will leave your clothes smelling nice, if you line dry. if you machine dry, the e.o. evaporates. if you are REALLY worried about it, but still want to make your own laundry soap, check out the tipnut links for powdered soap recipes.

i think that's it. please comment or e mail or call me if you have questions or i left out any glaringly obvious details. this is REALLY easy and FAST and it will save you A LOT of money, especially if you are buying the environmentally friendly kind. which reminds me, i was never able to find good information on the sustainability/environmental impact of baking soda and washing soda...but they are mined or created in a lab, so, yeah, not ideal. but probably more ideal than buying and using petroleum based detergents, especially since you'd be getting a new bottle every time, and that bottle was shipped from somewhere far away, etc. and the "environmentally friendly" ones probably have pretty similar ingredients as mine. so, unless you're growing your own soapnuts and washing in your rain barrel, and filtering it through some gravel and then using the greywater to water your soapnut plants...it's probably the best convenient laundry soap option out there.

enjoy.

laundry soap teaser

melt the soap bits in a double boiler with some of your water
Originally uploaded by hedgenettle

i know i said i would post the recipe today, but guess what? i was really busy having an awesome day without time to blog! so, i will post it tomorrow. in the meantime if you are just dying to get started, you can look at my flickr page and see all the photos and read their blurbs and get inspired.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/hedgenettle/sets/72157619580250226/

i am grateful for:
1) my art department adviser (he cleared me for advance registration! woot!)
2) the time rodney spends with the kids
3) my car
4) my dad's gas card
5) food

this stuff has got to come from somewhere...yet another plea

meeting to discuss the divorce papers
Originally uploaded by hedgenettle

here's our status and what still needs to arrive...

the kids are doing phenomenally well. i can't stress this enough. it's hard and they're sad, we're sad...our world has vastly shifted. we're earthquaked, tsunamied, tornadoed, war-torn. we're all raw and lonely and there are moments of sadness and distress every day. but all the other moments are good ones...we're gardening together, playing together, doing chores together, reading our books, playing games, vegging out watching a show on t.v. together...R. and i were able to lay out a visit schedule for the next term of school (we're unfortunately going to have to do this every term), so now it is known when they will see him and for how long, and that is a relief for all of us. their first over-night is tonight and i am really hoping jubal is okay with it, as he won't be nursing before bed or first thing in the morning...all i can do is hope that being with daddy is better than nursing mommy. it seems like it will be.

i got my first child support check at the first of the month and soon after a lot of my bills rolled in. they are paid and nothing is outstanding at this moment, but the electric bill hasn't come (and with it the request for my $155 deposit!!! eek) and i have no idea when it will. i have about $50 in my bank account and another $20 in my wallet. that's it. for the whole rest of the month.

so here's my plea, again:
if you know and love us, send a check. if you can spare a hundred, or fifty, or twenty, or hell, even five...send it. if you normally send a christmas check, send it now instead. the relief of knowing i have enough to cover the bills that still need to roll in will be the best gift ever. my financial aid kicks in mid-july, assuming all goes correctly. so now is the time, now is the zone for which i need a buffer. i wouldn't ask if we didn't need it.

i know people feel weird about giving people money. trust me, i feel weird about asking for it. but there is no getting around the fact that i need it. i just do. so i'm asking. if you feel really weird about it, BUY SOMETHING from me. there are a few things in the etsy shop, i have a box of various citrus-smelling glycerin soaps, i have three veggie applique tote bags that aren't up on etsy yet, i could even make a custom bag/zip pouch/whatever if what you want matches something in my fabric stash (which is ample). tell me what you want and i'll do my best to make it. or front me for future design work. or WHATEVER. people have given us bags of clothes and bags of groceries, which is awesome. but i need cash. it's only a small window. i'll spend it well. it'll go to a good place. it's for the kids, the house, our life. it'll come back to you some day just how you need it to.

and on that topic: loki is throwing us a mortgage relief party. i'll post the invites later, but the date is 20 june and it starts at 5:00, so save the date, as it were. and if you can't come, and can't send a check...pray the party is a huge success.

on a more pleasant note--i made a new batch of laundry soap today and will post the recipe and pictures tonight or tomorrow. finally!

divorce paper lunch

10/365
Originally uploaded by hedgenettle

sad, sad, sad.

feeling too human, too aware, too alone, too empty, too dismayed.

shifting stuff in your brain

me feeling lighter already after meeting my counselor
Originally uploaded by hedgenettle

i met with my very own counselor for the first time this morning. we talked about my situation, of course, and what i want to get out of counseling...and he told me about some interesting work he's been doing with "re-bonding" parent/child couples (in this case where the child is still a child and the lack of proper bond is causing health problems)...and that he's trying to figure out how to do the same with adult children...who maybe aren't going to go through the process with their parents, but could still benefit from letting go of the memories that were hard or horrible or whatever, that are still stored in the primitive brain (the medulla oblongata, i believe) and so are still charged with all this emotional *stuff*...and, i inferred, affecting our decision-making processes (and health)...anyone who knows me knows i had a really messed up childhood, despite how awesome my dad is...so there's a lot of stuff. and i know exactly what it did to me (made me starved for love and loving attention). so, i won't go into all the complexities of the therapy just yet, but the point of it is to shift those emotionally charged memories from the primal brain to the cerebrum, where we can still have the memories, but they aren't loaded with all that useless emotional charge. the ultimate goal being that i could become more like someone who had a good, healthy childhood and make decisions based on that, rather than from that place of being so hungry to be loved and perceived as worthy...i tend to ignore a few key red flags when making decisions from that place.
of course i went to the session with some of that in mind...knowing what my issues are, but having no idea how to deal with them or that he would recommend this specific, interesting, seemingly quite effective method of therapy (having found therapists/counselors mostly useless before)...and he basically said...this process (of moving the memories, and thereby discharging all that emotional energy) will not only help me feel and be happier and healthier, but also more attractive to THE KIND OF MEN I ACTUALLY WANT TO BE ATTRACTED TO ME! because, of course, healthy people want to be with healthy people, not sick or hurt people who make messed up choices. yeah, that's what i want. the thought is exciting.

so i feel good.

i am grateful for:
my counselor
my garden
my son
my girls
my mom

the frieda k. of babies

the frieda k. of babies
Originally uploaded by hedgenettle

i just wanted to show off this picture. is he perfect, or what?!

it's obvious what i'm grateful for

finally figured out my school schedule

finally figured out my school schedule
Originally uploaded by hedgenettle

i finally figured it out and i cannot possibly describe how totally hard and frustrating it was. it was horrible, stressful, rude, uncomfortable, awful, sickening, and terrible. you can feel free to infer other synonyms, as well.

i am publicly declaring my undying love and gratitude to the man i spoke to in the financial aid department who guided me to the one credit, non-scheduled (you go on your own time and keep track of how often you go) physical fitness class. all i needed was a credit, and one that wouldn't mess up the rest of my schedule. it wasn't his job or his department, but he helped me and i am always going to be thankful for that. i really wanted to just flail my head against some rocks for a while.

this situation is totally unjust and i never, ever would have predicted it. and the really messed up thing is, i know R. probably gives himself props for how generous with his time and money he's being. when he started going to school, he frequently said how impossible it would be to have a job on top if it...but he has no problem saddling me with the prospect of full time school, a job to make ends meet, and raising three kids...i joked back then about finally understanding the point of alimony, because i had to do EVERYTHING else on the homefront, and it finally made sense. of course, he won't give me alimony, or even temporary spousal support. because he sucks that much. and i can't make him because i can't afford a lawyer, and i don't want to drag this thing out anyways, or make a lot of bitter feelings. so i just have to suck it up.

i am grateful for that man in the financial aid department, to the fifth degree. thank you, kind man.

what i'm open to receiving...

skinny leggs lookin' carrot
Originally uploaded by hedgenettle

here's a picture of a funny carrot i found while prepping dinner last night...

and here's a list of what i'm drawing to my life:

a job i can do from home that pays decent and isn't going to completely wipe me out (monthly goal: $500)

a sponsor/private donor/private lender with good terms

regular massages

people to host the kids for hours-long blocks on a regular basis, who think it's fun and love doing it and don't want to be paid

if you think of a creative solution to any of these objectives (or want to volunteer on the last one) let me know.

i'm grateful for:
my camera
my children
my family and friends
my skin
the change in weather

basically, it never ends...another bad morning

basically, it never ends...another bad morning
Originally uploaded by hedgenettle

more waking up to feeling totally sick...it just isn't reasonable that i should have to do all this alone. we made this family together. we made jubal together...now R. just wants to see the kids once or twice a week and pay $400 a month for their care? and i'm left to do all the parenting, and pay all the bills, and i'm supposed to be physically here for the kids and stay calm and nice and loving and fun? my life feels all ripped to shreds.

how can there not be any relief from this? how can a person be expected to handle all of this? how can there be no fecking justice in the world? where the hell is the man i married and who is this new guy?

i just feel so completely sick, in every way possible.