jubal is sitting on my lap facing me and playing with the pullstrings on my sweatshirt, periodically stopping to stare adoringly into my face (and also to grab my mouse or keyboard). the girls were away last night for the sleepover birthday party and hubby has left for the gym, and to pick them up on the way home...our day of flowing with everything yesterday was interesting because everything i tried to do went awry--literally taking hours when i expected minutes and then not even being right anyways...but i maintained my attitude of flow, so that i at least didn't feel totally angry and overwhelmed. i was exhausted by the time rodney got home from being the only person to fulfill jubal's needs all day. rodney and the girls really help break things up.
i got a letter from my half sister yesterday, in response to my sending out some letters and e mails to various rellies of hers a few months ago. we lost touch when i left virginia and she left georgia and i didn't know if i'd be able to find her again, or if she'd want me to. we were separated as children and haven't ever had the chance to properly bond. she was receptive to my contact and lives just a town over, so that was surprising. i don't know where, if anywhere this will lead.
i also got a call from the girls' father from jail. i left him when he became an angry alcoholic with no perspective on priorities (like family, bill paying, kindness)...when i met rodney, L. (the "ex") became crazy-mad and was making death threats to rodney and did a bunch of violent, freaky stuff...he was eventually arrested (but quickly released) and has been slowly and madly seeking small revenges ever since, while dodging his probation and the ensuing warrant. for three years. finally they caught up with him (in his version he turned himself in), so he was calling to say he won't be available for his visits with the girls for a while. they'll probably matrix him out in a few days though. somehow i have to explain this to the girls. ugh. he still accuses me of being at the root of all his problems with the law, so i don't expect any improvement. it was bad enough to lose my best friend and mate to alcohol and anger and whatever mental disorder it is that he has, but to have fear of his violent threats and fear of how he could damage the girls' hearts, souls and worldview--there aren't words to describe how horrible that is. if i could be granted one wish, it would be an end to this mad saga--an end that leaves my family intact and him either miraculously healed and filled with responsibility for his actions--or just totally, forever gone.
it was a very long and interesting day and i flowed with it.
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an excerpt from a work-in-progress
they ate breakfast together: an omlettle he made filled with spinach and cream cheese and tomatoes and a bagel they split with salmon and more of the cream cheese and some capers she went back to the fridge for. they amused themselves discussing what capers are and how they came to be in jars at upscale markets for them to buy and eat on bagels with salmon. he liked to think they came from the sea somehow, and she assured him they were really little berries of some sort of fragrant bush. she fished the capers out of the tall jar as they talked and ate more than usual, something about their brininess described a hunger for her that she didn’t know she had, and then filled it. they drank steaming mugs of rich coffee with cream (and two sugars in his). she loaded the dishwasher and wiped off the counter while he cleaned the coffeegrounds and little spills from the coffee pot. the sun shone cleanly into their white kitchen and onto their bodies as they moved about their tasks and then they kissed one another and left for work, him to an office in town and her upstairs to her office where she worked as a freelance ad designer. it was a perfect morning. it was the perfect morning.
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