ugh..oooohhh man...ugh

i am sick. i feel so weak and tired and my insides are scratchy. i felt this cold coming on over a week ago, dosed myself with emergen-C and hoped for the best. i got the worst. this cold keeps morphing and mutating, to allow me to feel every potentiality a cold could offer. congestion, sore throat, sore body, foggy mind, weakness, exhaustion, so much pain in my head. on and on. don't come near me! you don't want this.

i am hoping and praying it's over soon--this is rodney's spring break and i have been looking forward to FINALLY being able to sew sew sew until i have a good stock of offerings to post on my poor, neglected etsy site. he took jubal for a longish bikeride yesterday (before the downpour) and i was able to sew a bag from start to finish--even making the handles and overcasting the seams. the whole thing! i've also been making a few zip pouches and have plans for a bunch more. i think zip pouches are one of my new top tens--they are so handy for putting stuff in (i have a weakness for all things that hold other things--shelves, baskets, pouches, etc.) he's planning to take jubal out again today at some point, so i will be sewing some more later--through the fog.

the upside of this cold is that i--totally by chance, as i wasn't even looking for a book for me (i was reading paul theroux's hotel honolulu)--found wally lamb's new book at the library (i was there to get the little house in the big woods to read with the girls) and it's very long, big and thick...you only get the new releases for two weeks and i wondered if i'd be able to finish it. thanks to this cold, i will (though i might not remember any of it!) i'll post more about it when i'm done reading it.

congratulations to loki, who sold a story to fantasy and science fiction--hooray! loki blogs here http://www.lokikohall.blogspot.com/ and asked me the other day if she could post my old bummers and gummers nettle story for spring (yes! of course!) and i'm so excited for her. i need to write again so i, too, can sell things.

when the mindfog and the exhaustion clears i will post a bunch of pictures of my latest creations here or on the flickr site, so you have that to look forward to. until then, it's soup and bedrest (the new bed ROCKS, by the way, it's like sleeping on some very supportive clouds.)

gratitudes:
1) magazines are still buying stuff!
2) soup is easy to make
3) bodies heal
4) nothing lasts forever
5) wally lamb FINALLY wrote a new book, and just in time

updatia

i have to be off to go to the gym to torture myself in the name of good health, so this is just a quickie update slice-o-life:
i've been sewing stuff, which is so fun and i'm noticing a lot of improvement in my skills (yay!) stuff i've sewed lately: bibs, pants, crayon roll-ups, zip pouches, clutches, and baskets. oh, and a flag for vesta to decorate for the fort she is building with ronan and hazel in the woods. some pictures on flickr, more to come. and another oh yeah--a shopping bag with veggie appliques to donate to the kindtree auction.
i've been working on more home improvement projects (and purchases): i moved the big bookshelf from the kitchen to the bedroom (i'm sewing the fabric baskets for this shelf to store jubal's clothes in--our room is too small to fit a dresser AND a king sized bed). i put up four foot pine board shelves in the kitchen to hold the extra gallon jars and canned goods that won't fit in our cupboards--vesta and i did this all by ourselves and it was so rewarding--we ROCKED! we can find studs and drill things and make stuff level, woohoo! lots of various moving shelves and cubbies around to hold toys and cook books and whatnot. rodney started putting in posts for the new garden fences---yay! yay! yay! it's gonna look so good and keep the dang dog from digging up my seedlings. and we picked out a new mattress for ourselves--this is such a treat for us! we picked out an englander natural model with inner spring coils and a latex core, bamboo topper with an extra layer of latex foam, plus extra lumbar support. my back is dancing in anticipation. we'll have it in a few days and i am SO EXCITED!
oh my, there is lots more to tell, but if we don't get to the gym soon we'll turn into pumpkins. the gym is feeling so awesome lately, by the way. i recommend it to anyone feeling sluggish or burned out, it really helps and i love being left wobbly and worked, but feeling so strong.
gratitude abounds for the strength of the human body and spirit, clean water to drink, fertile ground to grow in, the fun to be had with children, and resilience.

the worst experience of my life

jubal had a cavity. i took all the kids for their yearly tooth check-in exams last month--and jubal had a cavity! you don't understand how shocking this was for me. i diligently brush his teeth twice a day, plus he likes to brush his own teeth several times a day, whenever he's near the sink, basically! but i didn't think about flossing him. are you KIDDING me?! if you have babies out there: FLOSS BETWEEN ANY OF THEIR TEETH THAT TOUCH!!! he has really tight contacts (i now know) and got this little teeny cavity between his front teeth. they wanted to fill it, insurance doesn't cover for him to be anesthetized to sleep while they do it (which is INSANE). i was feeling horrible about this appointment for the whole month leading up to it, not sure i could follow through with it, wondering how necessary it was, etc...the appointment was yesterday morning and it was the absolute worst experience i have ever had. and i was just watching. they wrapped him up in this brightly colored, pretty torture device meant to hold his arms against his body so he can't mess with the dentist's tools or hit anybody while they work (which i totally get and was even somewhat expecting, but the hygienist actually said to him "isn't that pretty? it's like a big hug". that was the first time i wanted to smack her), he's already fully disturbed at this point, i'm at his feet holding his foot and rubbing his ankle and calf, telling him i'm right here and trying to send him some kind of reassurance. which didn't work. he screamed THE ENTIRE TIME. i'm not sure how long that was, because it felt like forever. i think it was fifteen or twenty minutes. they worked as fast as they could, which i appreciate...but they kept saying to him "you're okay, you're okay" which was infuriating me--it was completely obvious to him that he was NOT okay, that he was being tortured by strangers, and made to hurt and bleed and the notion that anyone would actually think he could be made to feel better about it by them lying to him that he's okay is just completely mad. imagine the scene from the stanley kubrick film a clockwork orange, where they paste the lead guys eyes open and show him all kind of horrible things and he's crying and screaming in agony--but make him a baby and add dental. i could see his little hands clutching each other under the pedia-wrap, or whatever that thing was called, in this way that was totally heartbreaking--it's a universal human reaction to pain and fear.

when it was over i just held him. the hygienist tried to joke with me about how it's always worse for the parents and that's when i wanted to smack her again. i couldn't speak properly. i just held jubal and patted him and thanked god he wasn't mistrustful of me for putting him in that horrible situation. i left the dental office as soon as i could and just stood by the car and held him and talked to him until he felt better. and fortunately, once he felt better--he felt better. it was over. we did some errands and had fun and he was able to laugh and smile and smell the herbs and spices at the kiva and just be.

that's what i'm grateful for today: jubal's awesomeness and his trust in me and his ability to move past that horror into a wonderful day with his mama.

what HAPPENED to michael jackson anyway?!

we finally got the re-release of michael jackson's "thriller", which i've been wanting since it came out a few months ago. it is so awesome. i cannot believe what a revolutionary m.j. was back in the day. i listen to it or watch the accompanying dvd and part of me just loves it--the music and the short films...and part of me feels so totally sad for michael jackson. what the hell happened to him?! i feel for the lost innocence and the lost potential. i feel for whatever he went through, it was obviously horrible. i don't know what the hell he's up to or what he's done, and i don't condone any of his insane behavior. but i know it's a result of a horrific childhood that messed up that whole family--and that makes me sad. i see his little tiny self singing "ABC"...and i remember "the wiz", and i remember with perfection the first time i saw "thriller" (i was five and it scared the crap out of me and thrilled me at the same time) and i feel sad for the little him, and all the little ones out there born to the WRONG people who had no business raising kids. then i love and adore my own some more and pray for peace in the world and give thanks to all the terrific families out there, doing the wonderful, quiet, graceful work of raising a family and being good citizens.
that's what i'm grateful for today: the good families and good citizens of the world.

ps. check out the flickr link on the sidebar if you want to keep up with my crafty photostream...i've got a couple of bags up there and will soon post pictures of jubal's new pants and some shopping bags and whatever other awesome stuff i can whip up.

a load off

something has shifted in my world. i'm feeling less pressure, and more possibility. i think it has something to do with all the housecleaning i've been doing...it gives you a huge feeling of accomplishment and it makes everything lighter around you. i still haven't mastered the need for a sewing corner in the living room, but i've got a somewhat workable station set up that quickens the set-up process. there's no way to have the ironing board at the ready, though, it's just too baby and puppy unfriendly. i'd like to say that's not an obstacle, but last night jubal was sleeping and i could have at least sewed some napkins, but the thought of setting up the board and iron and then maybe he'd wake up and there'd be this hot, spindly legged danger all set up--it turned me off. i was tired already form cleaning house and mothering all day, but still. as usual, it's a work-in-progress.

dad took me to my MRI results appointment, at which we learned that i have a beautiful, healthy-looking brain. no MS, no cysts, no tumors, no unexplained lumps or shadows. it appears that i really do just have an adult-onset simple tic disorder. okay. i can live with that. the doctor said they don't really know what causes it and that it might go away. i can live with that, too. the doctors at the neurology clinic were so awesome and wonderful that i plan to send a thank you card.

yesterday i turned over the pea bed and vesta planted the peas. jubal and i planted some more primroses and had fun getting our hands in the dirt. it feels great to have some spots of color and the promise of future peas. i'm excited to start the garden season!

i am grateful for:
1. my new kitchen aid food processor (my other one broke months ago--it was a cheapy one--and i've really missed the quick slicing and shredding and butter cutting in....by the way this is the Best. Food Processor. Ever. it's like driving a pinto and then someone gives you a porsche. highly recommended)
2. the earthworms in my garden
3. my sewing machine (still! i love it! and i got a free motion foot for it, which will be awesome once i get used to using it)
4. my clean floors (thank you, self)
5. the spring-like quality to the air

and some recommended reading:
the graveyard book, by neil gaiman (available here: http://www.amazon.com/Graveyard-Book-Neil-Gaiman/dp/0060530928/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1234974489&sr=1-1 ) this is a book for the whole family if your kids aren't teeny tiny, as it could be a little scary. it's about a boy who is raised by ghosts in a graveyard, and his experiences and misadventures and what happens to him as he grows up in such an unlikely setting. and it's by neil gaiman, so you KNOW it's going to be good. and it was. we were all sad to have it end, it was one of those books. i think we'll be reading the princess bride next.

outliers: the story of success by malcolm gladwell (available here: http://www.amazon.com/Outliers-Story-Success-Malcolm-Gladwell/dp/0316017922). i LOVE malcolm gladwell and all of his books (the tipping point and blink), because they are damn fascinating. i plan to make a shirt with a line drawing of his face that says "malcolm gladwell excites me"). this one is about how success happens and why it is never a one-person thing--we have this American Myth that people pull themselves up by their bootstraps and by their own sheer tenacity create wealth and success for themselves...don't get me wrong--it takes amazing skill, a force of will, determination, etc., etc.--but it also takes some amazing circumstances to be set in place around the future successful being. some examples of success stories in the book are the beatles, bill joy, bill gates, and canadian A-team hockey guys. read it!

i (heart) valentine's day

happy st. valentine's day! this morning the girls woke up early (insuring they'd do so by borrowing our alarm clock last night) and straightened up the living room/dining area...they hung some continuous heart shaped bunting from the ceiling, brought us our tea and coffee (me in bed and rodney doing homework in the office), made an excellent breakfast of egg (vesta) and toast (hazel), as well as some tasty "chocolate croissants" (hershey's bits embedded in cresent rolls--pretty good, actually). they had gifts and cards for everyone--including a valentine balloon for jubal ("ball! ball!") and a card vesta made him with a cute little duck swimming in some wavy water. they both had aprons on and were so proud and pleased with themselves. hazel kept popping into my room saying "be excited!"...it was awesome! they are the best kids EVER.
i gave rodney his home-made valentine listing the top ten things i love about him today (top ten lists are one of my things--i randomly give him top ten lists to let him know the things i love). and i gave the girls little valentine bags i made by hole-punching some pretty scrapbooking paper and threading two hearts together with yarn--i put some tissue wrapped hair ties (they were both in dire need of some), a valentine note telling how much i love and cherish them, and a gift certificate for a zip pouch sewing lesson from me.
and rodney and hazel just came back from a quick trip out...rodney has presented me with a lovely bouquet from the local flower shop and hazel gave me a single long-stemmed rose.
and i'm all squidgered up and gonna cry from it.
oh yes, and vesta stripped jubal of all his clothes and taped some wings to his back and fashioned him a little bow and arrow. our in-house cupid.
it's a good day.

i am grateful for:
love
my family
scotch tape
thoughtfulness
joy

PS!!! scroll down for lots of valentine's day pictures of the love

spring is springing

ah, it feels like spring is springing! my fingers are itching to plant peas and the fire dies out by eleven a.m. there's something in the air, and a sweetness fills your nose when you walk outside--primroses and warmed earth.
i've been doing the seasonal cleaning thing, which has been awesome. i cleaned the laundry room and re-organized my food cupboards and shelves. there's a long list left to go, but i'm looking forward to it, as i already feel lighter and less busy, just having the space and light around me, knowing where everything is and being free from clutter (in those two places, i mean, the rest of the house is still a batcave. heh) i've achieved the extra time to do my cleaning by not taking my afternoon nap, though...and that is a steep price.
i recently got to do a little sewing and made myself some pants out of an old sheet...and when i say "old sheet" i mean it--this sheet was on my bed as a child and i suspect that my dad got it from his mom...so, these pants are vintage. they're white with blue daisies on them that have green centers, and i've put cuffs along the bottoms of the pant legs with the decorative piece that was at the top of the sheet (big daisies in the alternating colors of blue/green/blue/green). i've been plotting bags, as well.
i've been trying to figure out a way to have a constantly set-up work station for sewing in the living room--since that is where most of the action happens in our house, and thusly where i need to be most of the time. if everything is set up and i don't have to spend five or ten minutes gathering all my tools together and de-cluttering a work surface, i think it will be easier to sew more. i won't feel as bad if i have to stop mid-project, because it's all right there for me and i can more easily get back to it. but, you've seen our living room--it's not exactly spacious--i haven't quite figured out the grand solution yet.
and here is jubal to tell me to get off the computer!
oh--a health p.s.: i went for an MRI a couple of days ago--that's a strange experience, eh? try to be totally still when you have a tic that is triggered by loud sounds and vibrations! anyways, i get the results on the 16th. and thanks to dad for going with me to the neurologist and planning to go back with me for the results.

i am grateful for:
hot cocoa
the amazing technology of the MRI machine
the resilience of toddlers
the gym membership
simple food