scales are mean

well i had my weigh-in at curves yesterday. all i can say is: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!! does anything suck more than working out and gaining weight at the same time?! and no, not muscle! i'm sure there are more sucky things, but there weren't yesterday. so i'm giving in: i will now keep a dang food journal and will measure my portions. argh. i hate anything that makes food seem clinical, but i guess i have to do it--i hate the extra fat, more. i've been thinking about what the extra fat does for me--protection? hiding? etc. and also when and why do i eat the stuff i know i shouldn't, so i'll put that in my dang food journal, too. i think i'll make a journal for this purpose and actually call it that: dang food journal. maybe i can market them to the counter-culture chubbies alongside my bags! haha. and i need to get a scale for at home so i can weigh every day, dang scales! dang dang dang. i can't afford one though, so that might take a couple of months.
today i had a frozen berry and yogurt smoothie for breakfast (jubal had one, too, with just blueberries and he loved it). then i felt hungry but just dealt with it til lunch when i had leftovers from dinner--chicken breast chunks with spinach and a tiny portion (really!) of au gratin potatoes. now i'm gonna make a quart of nettle-oatstraw-mint with green tea and sip on that all day. plus it is sunny today, so maybe jubal and i can get a walk in some time before the girls come home.
and a little p.s. on the back issue, since y'all keep asking me! it's improving, but only so long as i don't blow off/forget/get distracted from the exercises, so i'm trying to be diligent about it. maybe i'll get a tattoo on the back of my hand that says "mama doesn't come last!" to remind myself to quit putting all the *me stuff* off until....wooops, the day is gone....i love you self, i love you friends and family.

five things to be grateful for today: 1)sun 2)that it's almost february 3)tax rebates! 4)my blood vessels 5)the patience and love of my family who puts up with ALL of me, not just the good stuff.

baby love

i'm in love with jubal, he's so perfect. so smart and funny and cute. he smiles huge smiles all the time and makes sounds for you to mirror back to him. he will give you real kisses right on your lips and loves to cuddle. it's just the best. he understands much of what we are saying now, and sometimes will reply. he loves to play and climb and swing at the park. he's so beautiful and fun. i couldn't ask for a more wonderful baby boy.

thanks to gramma judy

gramma called a few days ago and said "HOW'S YOUR BACK?" (she has a bold voice) and then told me some exercises to do, which i have faithfully done and--voila!--already i feel so much relief! it's insane to me that i could already feel so much better. so from the tip of my tailbone to the bottom of my brain stem, i thank you. xoxox

distance

i am weary of the estrangement of the world. i am beyond exhausted with all the fakery and false intimacy of the world. corn syrup, nutra sweet, carbless bread, airbrushing, tummy tucking, collagen, and porn. as a species we humans have made ourselves so distant from the life happening all around us--the trees growing and animals being and the shining of the moon. we don't know where our food comes from, what went into it, what happened to it in its life. we don't know how to REALLY survive. some of us don't even know ourselves. we self medicate with drugs, alcohol, shopping, sex, tv, books, work--whatever it is. it makes me sad. it makes me heavy and tired. there's always something to DO! something better to BE! something more to HAVE!
my prayer for the world today is that everyone breathe, find the very moment you are in and feel it--whether it is pleasure or pain, energy or lethargy. keen if you need to, or laugh, or be still and let the air of the world wash over you. find the moment and be it. LIVE in each moment, THE moment.

big plans rock

thanks to everyone who called or e-mailed with best wishes and suggestions about my back! i didn't realize y'all were even reading this!

so it's that time of year in oregon--the craving for spring starts getting super itchy and rodney is scheming about the tax return money every day! we have BIG PLANS this year.

gardens, gardens, gardens! we're putting raised beds out front (maybe cutting down the big crab apple--but i have mixed feelings about that)...we'll be constructing them and hauling in garden soil from rexius to fill them up with...and i have been researching and dreaming about companion plants, succession crops, where to put the perennials, and how to keep the squirrels and the birds out. i'm planting everything ON TIME this year! i'm even thinking about an early crop of favas--which i've always found loathsome, but my new christmas pressie cookbook has inspired me to try them again. and if they're still awful to eat, they'll make great green manure.
the back garden needs a wall around it for two reasons--other than that i just FEEL like building a wall...we plan to get a doggy (maybe this summer!!!) and want the garden boundary clearly defined. also, the previous stewards --ahem-- of this property apparently used the area around the garage (what is now the southwest concrete slab behind the office) as a sort of bike/auto shop and just drenched the soil with oil--and who knows what else (our neighbor rob informed us)--which explains why thistles are the only thing that thrives back there! i want to mulch it with sheets of cardboard and haul in tons of new soil. hence the wall, to hold the dirt. plus i think it will be fun to play with concrete, creating my own big blocks into which i embed tiles, shells, stones, and whatever other goodies i dream up. i'll mold out some stepping stones at the same time for the girls to create--we'll need lots of them for all our new various paths.

this is only the tip of the iceberg of this year's projects! to be continued....

and my i say publicly: rodney, thanks for not scoffing when i came to you and said "i have to build a wall in the backyard!"--that you listened to and absorbed my vision and found ways to help and support are the reasons i love you and married you. you are kind and generous and you don't poop on people's creative ideas--it's a lifesaver for me. i love you.

pain

the back pain is constant. it is sometimes a mild whisper, other times a searing gut-rending shout. it moves around from the lower back to the right shoulder, sometimes including the neck. from the moment i wake up to the moment i fall asleep it is there. i don't know what caused it, i don't know how to deal with it, i don't remember what it feels like to not have it.

new year, new smear

well. it is the new year. i've been officially very busy for the last three weeks preparing for and executing (haha) christmas. every spare second, and many that weren't spare at all, were devoted to holiday *stuff*. i love the gatherings with family and friends and i love gifts--giving and receiving--but man am i glad it's over with!
my gorgeous and amazing husband has been off work for --ahem-- several days now (a week plus) and i am so ready for him to go back!!! i don't know why, but i cannot get anything done when he is here. all my routines go down the tubes, i build up expectations of what i'll be able to do with the extra adult present and never get any of them actually done and then i get annoyed and it's all very ugly.
though i actually did get some very satisfying stuff done, including the clearing of some blackberries near my herb garden and a spot of sewing, mostly various small projects designed to further familiarize myself with the machine and the various stitches and tensions and etc.
i'm feeling very overwhelmed today, i'm hoping it's a sort of hormonal blip--or something!--that will go away, leaving room for the return of the confident superwoman feelings i had before the christmas tornado hit my life. it's not the best feeling to start the new year with, but it's what i'm feeling. over cluttered, over taxed, over stressed, over demanded of, overly overwhelmed. pretty normal actually for a wife and mother of three!
now that the holidays are finally over, i still plan to attempt to get the office cleaned and organized with the remaining days of winter break. wish me luck and godspeed.
and one more thing adding to my negative mood: i've been having continuous back pain for about three weeks now. we're verging on chronic, it feels like. varying degrees from mildly uncomfortable to so painful i have trouble moving around, picking up jubal, doing anything. and of course i'm a mother of three, so i just do the things anyways, because they need to be done. but i have not gone to the gym for a couple of weeks and i think that is definitely contributing to my feeling irritable and overwhelmed, so i am going back today. i'll just take it easy and do what is comfortable and hopefully it will help.
if anyone is actually reading this (!) i hope you had a great holiday season and i hope you have a new year that is blessed with what you need.