what it's hard not to fixate on

r. is messed up. he's been messed up this whole time. he was messed up long before i met him. he will likely be messed up long after i move on with my life.

it's so clear to me now, just how much of our problems were directly caused by his being messed up. his energy made the whole house heavy, and it kept him from being a good father and a good husband. it wasn't anything i did and it wasn't anything the kids did. he's just messed up.

he's always had new life-itis...if this or that happens, then this problem will be resolved. of course i never realized that he would take it to this extreme. he really WANTED a family. he said i was a good wife. i was. i assumed that under the canopy of a loving family, next to his supportive wife, he'd be able to deal with whatever messed him up. it really seemed that way. but he just got more and more messed up. he seemed only mildly, and understandably, messed up initially--and given his upbringing, it made sense. he just deteriorated. i don't think he realized that just starting his new life (with us, i mean) wouldn't be enough...that to really be better, he would have to look at and address whatever it was that messed him up. once he realized it wasn't enough, rather than saying okay, i gotta deal with this, he got scared and refused to look at it...and got more messed up. then he became unbearable and i was on the verge of telling him to leave, i'd had enough...which he probably sensed anyways...so he started setting up the pins for his new life...the unchallenging girlfriend who will listen all supportively to his feelings about his messed up marriage (omitting the blatant fact that his marriage was just a mirror for his messed up self...and this is why the girlfriend has to be unchallenging, a smart woman wouldn't let that slide). and then he left. and then he cut off all non-business related contact between us, so i couldn't say things like this to him (i'm not the unchallenging girlfriend type), and got into his new girlfriend and his new life and keeps anything that might challenge what he's doing far, far away.

yeah. it's hard not to fixate on this. because i am 100 percent convinced of it. so it's frustrating. he could just choose to face whatever messed him up. he could just deal with it. he'd have a loving, supportive wife and best friend to help him through. but he refuses. and it's really sad, because, he doesn't see that he's running away from himself...and he can never escape himself...and he's just going to keep ping-ponging off the girls and the friends in his life, cutting all ties, removing all challenges...until he deals with his problems or dies.

so i get all tight in the chest and feel like i might throw up and want to see him and say all this to him, but know it wouldn't do any good right now, so i write instead. and i feed the kids breakfast. and i make plans for my future. and water the garden. and play with jubal. and just keep going. maybe he'll see it someday...and we're connected, we're married, we made a baby together, and i KNOW him...so when he sees it, i'll be here to listen if he wants. and if he never wants to, that's not my problem. but it is sad.

i'm grateful for:
the stock tank
dirt
the phone
people taking the kids for a few hours
that school starts soon

life keeps wanting lived

jubal and me in the pub
Originally uploaded by hedgenettle

dad had the kids today (thanks again, dad!) while i went to town and did my placement tests (reading comprehension 117/120, sentence skills 111/120, math (ahem) 81/120...it's been a while on the math skill use, and those sentence skills? sorry, but they were the worst sentences ever! i missed a few because they were so lame. anyways everything passed well within the range of being "able to benefit" and i'm good to go...

when dad brought the kids back yesterday vesta was quick to point out that it was art walk night.

ugh. i filled with dread at the thought of taking three kids, one of them 2! to art walk. it seemed really hard and annoying and i didn't want to go...but i also really don't want to mess up the kids' routines and constantly disappoint them with how tired and depressed i am, or make them feel worthless because i never want to do anything with them. so i slapped on some eyeshadow and lip gloss (i know, if you know me, you're going "what? lip gloss? make up?" with genuine confusion...yeah, i wear it now, it helps perk me up a little bit, makes me feel sparkly and fresh, and it sort of demarcates which events are elevated in my day....going to school for orientations: make up; sitting on the back porch crying and dribbling popcicles on myself: no make up)...so, i anticipated this being incredibly difficult because of managing jubal, but it totally wasn't. the girls hung with jubal while i fixed him a plate of snacks and bought myself a beer at the pub, then they went off on their own (together) to cruise their favorite parts of art walk while jubal and i listened to the musicians, chatted with the people in the seats near us, ate our snack, and, in my case, drank a beer. then we went and found the girls and went back to the little courtyard thing by the pub, where hazel and i hung with jubal while vesta struck off with some friends for a bit. it wasn't stressful, it was fun.

a couple of girls from blue mountain showed up, and i spoke to the older one about whether she babysits, what her schedule is like, and if she'd be interested in babysitting for me sometimes...she does, she has a very open schedule, and she would be interested in babysitting sometimes. so now i feel a lot of relief around the whole "what do i do with the kids?!" thing, because here is another person i can put in my resource pocket.

i can do this. it won't always be easy and i'm going to need a lot of help...it's not my ideal way of raising a family, but i can do this, and we'll be okay.

i'm grateful for:
friends
opportunities
almay lip gloss
babysitters
hope

http://www.flickr.com/photos/hedgenettle/
for more pictures of art walk and other stuff we're doing.

woke up at 2:30 this morning...

woke up at 2:30 this morning...
Originally uploaded by hedgenettle

the dog was scratching at my door and i was still half dressed, having dozed off putting jubal to sleep. i feel like i can get back to sleep soon for a few more hours, though.

tomorrow i have my placement tests at LCC, which should go fine...other than my math, which is totally rusty, and i expect to place low...which is still fine, frankly i don't want to take a challenging math class right now. the reading and writing i expect to pass with flying colors. and then some. my placement test are called "ability to benefit" tests--which i have to take because i never graduated high school. i'm feeling pretty able to benefit right now.

speaking of which...loki is planning a mortgage relief party for us on june 20th, more details to come. i spent some time thinking about that this evening, because i'm designing the invitations...thinking about fun things like: what size, what format, do i put a picture of me and the kids on it?...and less fun things like: should i ask the printshop for a my-husband-just-ditched-us-single-mom-of-three discount to print them? it seems like a reasonable discount to request, and i'm a regular customer. it's strange how i feel no shame or nervousness at the thought of asking for it, either. i mean, my husband just totally LEFT us and i'm so broke my friend has to throw me a party to raise money. i need a freaking discount!

i had a horrible moment last night where i felt so completely exhausted, i just wanted to call rodney and see if he was completely exhausted yet, too. i didn't do it, of course, because i know he isn't yet...he's not taking care of three kids, a house, a dog, scrambling to make money, and depressed because his best friend and life partner just freaking ditched them all suddenly and randomly. he was probably at his new idiotic girlfriend's house playing video games. it sucks for him that by the time he does get exhausted, and his dumb girlfriend dumps him for being an angry jerk, i will have spent my normal amount of time feeling this way and coping and will be fully recovered...probably with a boyfriend of my own. god i hope that happens.

infinite jest...join us!

infinite jest...join us!
Originally uploaded by hedgenettle

the other night i was checking out colin meloy's twitter page. yeah, what of it? i have a crush on him! anyways, he tweeted (?) about infinite summer www.infinitesummer.org and i was inspired...since i sold almost all of my books to the local bookstore, i have a lot of credit right now, so i went and picked up infinite jest (by david foster wallace) and i'm going to attempt to join the summerlong movement (all the details of the "infinite summer" are at the link above) reading 75 pages a week, all summer long...it's corny, yes, but i love the idea of reading the same book as colin meloy at the same time he's reading it. (by the way, i know you're all going "who IS colin meloy?"...he's the songwriter and singer of the decemberists and my biggest famous crush pretty much ever--well, except for patrick swayze, but i was 12 then!).

it's kind of ironic, because the summer that rodney and i started "dating" he bought two copies of this book called skepticism inc. (i think) by bo fowler and we read it together and talked about it, and it also had a bluey, cloudy cover. so now i get to read a much better bluey, cloudy covered book with my pretend boyfriend, colin (and thousand of other people). bittersweet because of course the first person i wanted to ask to join me was rodney. s'okay, though.

if you're remotely interested, here's all the links i can find:

http://www.infinitesummer.org/
http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=101116901411&ref=nf
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0316066524?ie=UTF8&tag=infsum-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=0316066524
http://www.metafilter.com/81834/Infinite-Summer

also there's a twitter stream for it, but i can't seem to link that, but you can get to it from the first link.

oh, yes, i suppose i should mention something of the plot...well, i'll just say a bit from the back cover blurb....

"infinite jest explores essential questions about what entertainment is and why it has come to dominate our lives; about how our desire for entertainment affects our need to connect with other people; and about what the pleasures we choose say about who we are."

which makes it sound non-fictiony, but it's a novel and supposedly hilarious. that topic is spot-on for me, right now.

join me! let's read it.

i journal now

i journal now
Originally uploaded by hedgenettle

obviously. i'm doing it on this blog. but also i do it on my little pea pod iota tablet that jan gave me for christmas, which is always in my purse. i've always wanted to be a journaler...but got distracted. marriage can really distract you from your essential nature--and kids, especially babies--but i've quickly returned to who i was before, just older and smarter.

anyways, the journaling--on here and elsewhere has been awesome. i find it really helps to settle my mind/body/nerves when panic sets in, and it's a great way to pass the time while waiting for a meeting or whatnot.

it also helps me sort my feelings and perceptions about R. and what the hell he's doing. following his classic pattern, of course. i just didn't see when i was in it, that i, too, was a band-aid...that FAMILY was a band-aid (talk about hurting when you take it off! ha!)...everything that he does is a band-aid and i'm guessing it'll be that way forever, unless he gets some sort of mental shift where he can see what he's doing. fortunately not my responsibility. but realizing that DOES make it easier for me to cope/not take it personally. this is the ultimate test of that take nothing personally suggestion from one of those new age self-helpy spirtuality guys (don miguel ruiz)...and it's actually not that hard, because i KNOW i didn't do anything wrong and don't deserve this. all i did was try with that guy. try and give and give and give. and now i have so much to give back to myself, the person who could've used it all along.

but i digress. the journaling also takes the form of photographically documenting everything--if you look at my flickr page you know i was already getting into that anyways...now that's up a big notch. i'm not sure why i love to document things so much...but i always have. i went through weird phases as a kid photographing things like everyone's shoes. it would have been awesome if we had digital cameras back then! i wonder about the documenting thing, though...like, is that my own sort of band aid? my little spoon of sugar with the medicine? or is it just a great tool for self reflection? we shall see...so far it seems to be healthy enough. i've always been into self portraits, too--again, thank god for digital cameras! i've joined a couple of self portrait groups on flickr, which is neat because they're filled with people like me who find a weird joy in documenting themselves. it's fun to watch the progressions.

i'm looking forward to doing some work with the self portraiture in my transitions classes and my art classes.

i am grateful for:
my camera
my kids
my house
my gardens
my friends

bittersweet

dammit this really is happening
Originally uploaded by hedgenettle

i wanted it to be exciting to go to my orientation. but, of course, i had to drop the kids off at r.'s apartment first. it was so hard. i want to scream and shout at him about how could you be so daft?! another woman?! really?! and such a bland and idiotic one, at that?! there was a lot of time to think, after i dropped them off and before my orientation started...about how completely different this scenario would be, had he not had a girlfriend all lined up. if he had a chance to deal with himself and deal with what he's done...if we had a chance to deal with each other and what we did to our marriage...how we could have taken a break, i could have gone back to school, and we could have really evaluated the situation and made a conscious decision about our lives, our marriage, our family, and what we really wanted...and either decided it was best to stay apart, or decided it was best to come back together with a renewed vigor and commitment. either way would have been a million times better than this. this is just another of r.'s band-aids, the girl just another drug, another distraction.

the orientation went well. i learned that i pretty much knew everything already--which was good, because i thought i'd prepared well, and i have. i turned in my application for the program, and got some handouts with some useful information...i also got yet another wake up call about homework and time management. i have no idea how i'm going to have time for all this fecking homework...and a wake up call about financial aid--another thing i already knew: this is the WORST time to apply for aid, there are no extra grants in summer and there isn't any money in the pot beyond the loans and the pell grant...and as it stands, i don't have enough to survive on.

but i'll just keep going anyways. and i'll figure out how to make up the difference, and how to do the homework, and how to stay calm and patient with the kids.

i don't think i'll figure out how to look r. in the face, though. how can you be MARRIED to someone and not know just how weak they are?

i am grateful for:
cigarettes
my dad
popcicles
the sun
my garden

the sick panic sets in again

the sick panic sets in again
Originally uploaded by hedgenettle

another wave of fear and repulsion...literally making me sick to my stomach. as in, goodbye morning tea and any notion of eating breakfast. if only he'd have wanted to deal with his problems within the safe, loving space of our family, we could have had a perfect life. a simple perfect life. in one of the first couple of days after he left, before i knew he was REALLY leaving, he said he wanted the perfect life with the good dog and the happy kids and the white picket fence...and instead he leaves his best shot at having it for a creepy girl who likes to read romance novels and go shopping. what the hell?! and what about her? a married man, really? a married man with a baby at home longing for his dad?! you really want to be the medicine for a heart that's just walked away from his family? ugh. ugh. ugh.

i never meant for this space to be SUCH a "perzine" as they're called in the zine biz, but i guess it is one, now. i can't think about things like laundry soap and the environmental impact of baking soda right now. and i've happily just discovered that writing helps put the panic back in its box for a while, so there will probably be more like this in the future...

for now, it's time to go get ready...my orientation is today and i am looking forward to it, under my blanket of yuckiness.