the art, the beast, and the universe

wow. it's been months since i've written a thing. mainly because i have absolutely no time for anything...

school is going amazingly well, though i must say that it's impossible. it's impossible to have three kids, no husband, no co-housers or other live-in help...and go to school full time. but i usually end up doing impossible things, so here i go doing it anyways. i have hours upon hours of homework every week. mostly it's art homework, which is unfathomably arduous--i had no idea the effort and discipline involved in living a life of art. it was a hobby before, something i did for fun when the kids were out of my hair. now it's a daily practice. an hours a day daily practice. i love the immersion in imagery, shapes, design, value, edge, color. i love the hours spent covered in charcoal, or newspaper clippings, or graphite, or gouache. i wish it wasn't such a balancing act between mothering and schooling and arting and living and surviving. but it is what it is and we are all coping the best we can. and mostly loving it. sometimes it gets really overwhelming and everything ratchets up intensely and i feel like my mind will blow apart. or my heart. but then it calms again, and i get a breath, a day at the park with the kids, a moment to read something pleasurable...and then it cranks up again. my life is proof that we live in an expanding AND contracting universe.

i still grieve over the loss of my marriage. which is really the end to the hoping that it would be what it was supposed to be and never, ever was. i have to see my ex-husband regularly, to exchange the kids and the child-support checks, or in the halls at school. and that's hard. it would be easier if he didn't keep existing, if i didn't have to watch him live his shiny new life, with his shiny new girl and house. it's hard not to wonder what's wrong with me, why wasn't i good enough, why is this other girl better. most of the time i realize it's him, not me, and i think even he would agree with that. but there are those dark and painful moments when the beast of my losses looms up in my face and growls and scratches and i just want it to end. i just want my dream back. i want someone else to be a part of my routine...to rub my feet while we watch lost after eating the glorious dinner i made for everyone, because i was a stay-at-home mom able to devote all of my energy to nourishing the lives of those i love most and hold dear.

but those moments are not too common anymore, and i am happier, even in those moments, than i was when i was still living in the illusion of marriage, which was a nightmare of loneliness and unworthiness and twisted hope. i have my kids, my friends, my family, my learning experience, my art, my astonishing ability to survive and thrive despite the shit that seems to try to get in my way. and i have myself back, which is something i lost deep in the bowels of that nightmare...and it is lovely to be in possession of my spirit again, to hold myself gently in my own hands to nurture and pet and watch and be.

i am grateful for:

dad, for so many reasons, but especially his continued love and support and for fronting me the money to buy my new imac, which has already vastly improved and streamlined my school/homework experience.

daisy, our foster dog, who shows unconditional love and loyalty, and who it will be sad to see go.

matt, loki, and ronan, who are constantly helping in a million little ways that make my life vastly more comfortable and tasty.

short stories.

lesley, who watches jubal for me and does a wonderful job--making it possible for me to go to school and work and learn, rather than fret and be sick.

my life philosophy paper for my life transitions class

I am a strong and capable person. I admire creativity and kindness in myself and others. I love to explore life using all of my senses, noticing and questioning my perceptions. I am a mother, a friend, a lover, a daughter, and a woman. I am becoming a patient mother, an observant friend, a reciprocal partner, a self-sustaining woman and parent, and an understanding daughter. I am whole and I am growing.

I believe in the intrinsic goodness of all beings. I believe that everyone does the best they can with what they have. I believe that it is valuable to take nothing personally and to take responsibility for my decisions, choices, and actions. I believe that freedom is a higher good than safety. And I believe that is imperative to do the right thing. I value truth, honesty, respect, loyalty, and kindness. I choose to let truth be the guiding force of my life—above all else, I require honesty of myself and others. I choose to treat everyone with the same respect I believe that I deserve. I believe that kindness and understanding are the best first reactions to 95 percent of all situations. I value family, personal relationships, and integrity above material goods and passing trends. I believe that it is usually the right thing to choose that which is best for the greater good over that which is best for one person. I believe that I have a right to happiness.

I am motivated by a desire to live in a world that is sustainable, physically and socially; by love for life; by passion; and by a drive to create a thriving world for my children to explore and fall in love with. I am inspired by justice, creativity, dirt, people, beauty, truth, the natural world, discussions, ideas, art, music, the written word, the innocence of children, the wryness of adults, and the force of life moving through all beings.

I take responsibility for my life. I do this by owning my decisions, being truthful with myself and others, examining my mistakes for areas of improvement, seeking help when I don’t know how to do something so that I can learn to do it correctly, accepting the consequences of my decisions, sharing information I have with others, cleaning up after myself in the world, using resources wisely, behaving in a manner I can respect, asking for what I need, admitting when I’ve done something wrong or made a mistake, and owning the ground I walk on.

I have a purpose in this life. I am raising three children to know what healthy love is, to know how to learn, to take responsibility for their lives, to know their own beauty, to pursue their own happiness, to respect others, to respect themselves, to require respect from others, to respect the earth and the force of life. I set an example for my children and others of strength, patience, kindness, silliness, love, fun, self-acceptance, personal responsibility, joy for life, passion, kindness, and growth. May my example inspire my children and others to live lives of truth and joy.

I want to live in a world that is just. I want to live in a world that is fair. I want to live in a world where passion matters, kindness rules, a sense of humor is regarded more highly than a perfectly arched eyebrow, and where all life is treated with respect and honor. I want to live in a world that is healthy, on a planet that is treated with respect, in a community that believes in equality, and in a home that celebrates all that life has to offer us. I want to live in a world that is growing, changing, moving, playing, thriving, and full of love.

I will leave the world a better place. I will spread my influence in several ways—By raising beautiful children into responsible adults. By infiltrating mass media culture with my subtle art and design. By voting with my dollars about what matters to me (fair trade, organic, sustainable). By living a life that is in concert with my values and dreams. By teaching those around me to create the lives they want for themselves—and by showing them it is possible. I will leave the world a better place by being a good mother, daughter, friend, lover, and woman.

too exhausted to think up titles for things

i did it! i survived my first week of school! i'm utterly exhausted, as is my mother, i'm sure.

it was hard. i'm not used to it yet. the concept of homework sort of baffles me ( i try to do it all at school, so as to make it seem less horrible)...i'm not used to spending time on things i don't want to do and don't really care about. or, i suppose i should say, don't interest me, because of course i care about doing well in school, and that is my prime motivating force. it doesn't matter if i don't give a rip about CS 120, it just matters that CS 120 is a step on my path to a graphic arts degree.

none of my classes are horrible, and actually, i enjoy them to some extent. probably not as much as i will enjoy taking art classes, but my teachers are awesome and funny, and that makes anything bearable. i've figured out where the computer lab is, and how to use it. i had my P.E. orientation this morning and am excited to get back into a gym again, having really missed my membership to ironworks. i've almost got the campus figured out, or at least the parts i need to use. i'm well on my way to being comfortable. i've even managed to say hello to people i recognize from class, as well as strike up simple conversations with strangers waiting in line, or sitting outside on break. i'm a functioning adult!

i haven't quite figured out how to balance everything yet, but i know that i will...i'm so tired after this long and stressful week, i am actually fantasizing about crawling in to bed as i type this. it's gonna be so good. and, i don't have to get up insanely early tomorrow! and i don't have to drive anywhere! i'm going to hang with the kids, plant the rest of my starts, soak in the stock tank, and use my brain as little as possible.

i am grateful for:

the success of the mortgage relief party (it was so helpful!)
the donation from sweetwater farm of a CSA box for the next month and a half (we got our first yummy bag today and it was lovely)
everyone who contributed what they could to help us through this fallow-money time (thank you so much, everyone!)
that my homework is not insurmountable
that my card to an old high school friend made it to its destination and was well received.
friends.

finally figured out my school schedule

finally figured out my school schedule
Originally uploaded by hedgenettle

i finally figured it out and i cannot possibly describe how totally hard and frustrating it was. it was horrible, stressful, rude, uncomfortable, awful, sickening, and terrible. you can feel free to infer other synonyms, as well.

i am publicly declaring my undying love and gratitude to the man i spoke to in the financial aid department who guided me to the one credit, non-scheduled (you go on your own time and keep track of how often you go) physical fitness class. all i needed was a credit, and one that wouldn't mess up the rest of my schedule. it wasn't his job or his department, but he helped me and i am always going to be thankful for that. i really wanted to just flail my head against some rocks for a while.

this situation is totally unjust and i never, ever would have predicted it. and the really messed up thing is, i know R. probably gives himself props for how generous with his time and money he's being. when he started going to school, he frequently said how impossible it would be to have a job on top if it...but he has no problem saddling me with the prospect of full time school, a job to make ends meet, and raising three kids...i joked back then about finally understanding the point of alimony, because i had to do EVERYTHING else on the homefront, and it finally made sense. of course, he won't give me alimony, or even temporary spousal support. because he sucks that much. and i can't make him because i can't afford a lawyer, and i don't want to drag this thing out anyways, or make a lot of bitter feelings. so i just have to suck it up.

i am grateful for that man in the financial aid department, to the fifth degree. thank you, kind man.

woke up at 2:30 this morning...

woke up at 2:30 this morning...
Originally uploaded by hedgenettle

the dog was scratching at my door and i was still half dressed, having dozed off putting jubal to sleep. i feel like i can get back to sleep soon for a few more hours, though.

tomorrow i have my placement tests at LCC, which should go fine...other than my math, which is totally rusty, and i expect to place low...which is still fine, frankly i don't want to take a challenging math class right now. the reading and writing i expect to pass with flying colors. and then some. my placement test are called "ability to benefit" tests--which i have to take because i never graduated high school. i'm feeling pretty able to benefit right now.

speaking of which...loki is planning a mortgage relief party for us on june 20th, more details to come. i spent some time thinking about that this evening, because i'm designing the invitations...thinking about fun things like: what size, what format, do i put a picture of me and the kids on it?...and less fun things like: should i ask the printshop for a my-husband-just-ditched-us-single-mom-of-three discount to print them? it seems like a reasonable discount to request, and i'm a regular customer. it's strange how i feel no shame or nervousness at the thought of asking for it, either. i mean, my husband just totally LEFT us and i'm so broke my friend has to throw me a party to raise money. i need a freaking discount!

i had a horrible moment last night where i felt so completely exhausted, i just wanted to call rodney and see if he was completely exhausted yet, too. i didn't do it, of course, because i know he isn't yet...he's not taking care of three kids, a house, a dog, scrambling to make money, and depressed because his best friend and life partner just freaking ditched them all suddenly and randomly. he was probably at his new idiotic girlfriend's house playing video games. it sucks for him that by the time he does get exhausted, and his dumb girlfriend dumps him for being an angry jerk, i will have spent my normal amount of time feeling this way and coping and will be fully recovered...probably with a boyfriend of my own. god i hope that happens.

bittersweet

dammit this really is happening
Originally uploaded by hedgenettle

i wanted it to be exciting to go to my orientation. but, of course, i had to drop the kids off at r.'s apartment first. it was so hard. i want to scream and shout at him about how could you be so daft?! another woman?! really?! and such a bland and idiotic one, at that?! there was a lot of time to think, after i dropped them off and before my orientation started...about how completely different this scenario would be, had he not had a girlfriend all lined up. if he had a chance to deal with himself and deal with what he's done...if we had a chance to deal with each other and what we did to our marriage...how we could have taken a break, i could have gone back to school, and we could have really evaluated the situation and made a conscious decision about our lives, our marriage, our family, and what we really wanted...and either decided it was best to stay apart, or decided it was best to come back together with a renewed vigor and commitment. either way would have been a million times better than this. this is just another of r.'s band-aids, the girl just another drug, another distraction.

the orientation went well. i learned that i pretty much knew everything already--which was good, because i thought i'd prepared well, and i have. i turned in my application for the program, and got some handouts with some useful information...i also got yet another wake up call about homework and time management. i have no idea how i'm going to have time for all this fecking homework...and a wake up call about financial aid--another thing i already knew: this is the WORST time to apply for aid, there are no extra grants in summer and there isn't any money in the pot beyond the loans and the pell grant...and as it stands, i don't have enough to survive on.

but i'll just keep going anyways. and i'll figure out how to make up the difference, and how to do the homework, and how to stay calm and patient with the kids.

i don't think i'll figure out how to look r. in the face, though. how can you be MARRIED to someone and not know just how weak they are?

i am grateful for:
cigarettes
my dad
popcicles
the sun
my garden