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obviously. i'm doing it on this blog. but also i do it on my little pea pod iota tablet that jan gave me for christmas, which is always in my purse. i've always wanted to be a journaler...but got distracted. marriage can really distract you from your essential nature--and kids, especially babies--but i've quickly returned to who i was before, just older and smarter.
anyways, the journaling--on here and elsewhere has been awesome. i find it really helps to settle my mind/body/nerves when panic sets in, and it's a great way to pass the time while waiting for a meeting or whatnot.
it also helps me sort my feelings and perceptions about R. and what the hell he's doing. following his classic pattern, of course. i just didn't see when i was in it, that i, too, was a band-aid...that FAMILY was a band-aid (talk about hurting when you take it off! ha!)...everything that he does is a band-aid and i'm guessing it'll be that way forever, unless he gets some sort of mental shift where he can see what he's doing. fortunately not my responsibility. but realizing that DOES make it easier for me to cope/not take it personally. this is the ultimate test of that take nothing personally suggestion from one of those new age self-helpy spirtuality guys (don miguel ruiz)...and it's actually not that hard, because i KNOW i didn't do anything wrong and don't deserve this. all i did was try with that guy. try and give and give and give. and now i have so much to give back to myself, the person who could've used it all along.
but i digress. the journaling also takes the form of photographically documenting everything--if you look at my flickr page you know i was already getting into that anyways...now that's up a big notch. i'm not sure why i love to document things so much...but i always have. i went through weird phases as a kid photographing things like everyone's shoes. it would have been awesome if we had digital cameras back then! i wonder about the documenting thing, though...like, is that my own sort of band aid? my little spoon of sugar with the medicine? or is it just a great tool for self reflection? we shall see...so far it seems to be healthy enough. i've always been into self portraits, too--again, thank god for digital cameras! i've joined a couple of self portrait groups on flickr, which is neat because they're filled with people like me who find a weird joy in documenting themselves. it's fun to watch the progressions.
i'm looking forward to doing some work with the self portraiture in my transitions classes and my art classes.
i am grateful for:
my camera
my kids
my house
my gardens
my friends
i wanted it to be exciting to go to my orientation. but, of course, i had to drop the kids off at r.'s apartment first. it was so hard. i want to scream and shout at him about how could you be so daft?! another woman?! really?! and such a bland and idiotic one, at that?! there was a lot of time to think, after i dropped them off and before my orientation started...about how completely different this scenario would be, had he not had a girlfriend all lined up. if he had a chance to deal with himself and deal with what he's done...if we had a chance to deal with each other and what we did to our marriage...how we could have taken a break, i could have gone back to school, and we could have really evaluated the situation and made a conscious decision about our lives, our marriage, our family, and what we really wanted...and either decided it was best to stay apart, or decided it was best to come back together with a renewed vigor and commitment. either way would have been a million times better than this. this is just another of r.'s band-aids, the girl just another drug, another distraction.
the orientation went well. i learned that i pretty much knew everything already--which was good, because i thought i'd prepared well, and i have. i turned in my application for the program, and got some handouts with some useful information...i also got yet another wake up call about homework and time management. i have no idea how i'm going to have time for all this fecking homework...and a wake up call about financial aid--another thing i already knew: this is the WORST time to apply for aid, there are no extra grants in summer and there isn't any money in the pot beyond the loans and the pell grant...and as it stands, i don't have enough to survive on.
but i'll just keep going anyways. and i'll figure out how to make up the difference, and how to do the homework, and how to stay calm and patient with the kids.
i don't think i'll figure out how to look r. in the face, though. how can you be MARRIED to someone and not know just how weak they are?
i am grateful for:
cigarettes
my dad
popcicles
the sun
my garden
another wave of fear and repulsion...literally making me sick to my stomach. as in, goodbye morning tea and any notion of eating breakfast. if only he'd have wanted to deal with his problems within the safe, loving space of our family, we could have had a perfect life. a simple perfect life. in one of the first couple of days after he left, before i knew he was REALLY leaving, he said he wanted the perfect life with the good dog and the happy kids and the white picket fence...and instead he leaves his best shot at having it for a creepy girl who likes to read romance novels and go shopping. what the hell?! and what about her? a married man, really? a married man with a baby at home longing for his dad?! you really want to be the medicine for a heart that's just walked away from his family? ugh. ugh. ugh.
i never meant for this space to be SUCH a "perzine" as they're called in the zine biz, but i guess it is one, now. i can't think about things like laundry soap and the environmental impact of baking soda right now. and i've happily just discovered that writing helps put the panic back in its box for a while, so there will probably be more like this in the future...
for now, it's time to go get ready...my orientation is today and i am looking forward to it, under my blanket of yuckiness.
i didn't notice how depressed i was until rodney left. he was so shitty and so angry all the time, i felt completely sad and tired...not even sad...apathetic, which i think is worse. and anytime i did feel excited about something and try to share it with him, he didn't care, wasn't interested, wasn't supportive...i felt so worthless because he never enjoyed me (which i really don't understand! i rock ass!) and never wanted to do what i wanted to do (which would've been pretty much anything if we could do it together and have fun, without him being angry or shitty). i wanted to end the relationship so many times, but clung to the hope that he would get better, it would get better...and of course, was scared to be alone (come to find out, it's pretty awesome)...it's nice to have myself back, to feel confident and fun, to feel completely worthy of whatever i want in my life.
i'm grateful for:
1) myself
2) my house
3) my garden
4) loki!!!
5) my life
this perfect child is so worth it.
i didn't want to do it. it seemed pointless and hard. i couldn't remember anything about gardening, like which tomatoes need cages...but i knew in my core it would help me feel better. i said to loki, if i was treating someone else, i'd tell them to garden. so i did it anyways. it felt good to just do it, even if i didn't want to (i imagine there will be more projects like that coming soon!)...it sucked for a long time...and then it didn't suck any more. it felt good. the potatoes felt nourishing, the earth felt restorative, the sun on my skin felt like life. the act of watering felt like giving back. it all just suddenly felt good. and then i wanted some more starts to plant! must get some.
are you kidding me with this smile?
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