ruined

ruined 1 154/365
Originally uploaded by hedgenettle

sometimes i feel so ruined. like i've dedicated so much of my life to the wrong things. my body is all distorted, i started my career path too late, i'm old--not really old, as in literally old, but i'm suddenly thirty. for so long i've been 15-20 in my mind, it still surprises me to realize that i'm an adult. i have three kids! i've been parenting for a giant portion of my life, for my entire adult life. i spent so much of my life, nearly my whole life, dedicated to things other than my own self. to men and what they needed, or to school and what that meant i was supposed to do or be. i'm only just discovering who i am, what i want to do and to be. and so it's good that i'm so young--literally, this time. only thirty. i have years to do this life thing. i can take this time to explore who i am, what i want, what i do when there aren't a hundred things i have to do to make someone else's life go smoothly. i feel angry and bitter sometimes, that i willingly gave of myself--my time, my energy, my creativity--to what i thought was my family, to my partners, the men supposed to be living a life in concert with me. and they took what i offered and they didn't reciprocate. they didn't appreciate what i did for them, with them, in honor of them. they didn't deserve me. and i didn't deserve what they did. and i don't say this to blame or accuse. i took part in it, i willingly gave up myself. i did it because i suppose i thought it meant something, because i believed in the family, in the life in concert, in the partnership. it was my own mistake, i claim that responsibility. i have no idea how to move on from here. i have no idea how i will ever trust a man again, or myself to judge reasonably, or trust the idea of partnership, or the hope of a family...which is still a burning urge of mine, to have one of those family unit things, where there is a mom and a dad and some kids, and everyone works together to make a sum grander than all the parts. but one where everyone's dreams are approved of, worked toward. even the mommy. i have no idea if that's even reasonable. do people do that? it seems like they should, but i don't really know...and i don't know how to get it when i feel so totally ruined and used up. how a man could ever want me. how i could ever be vulnerable again. how i could even want what i want. let alone create it or find it or be it. i'm satisfied at the moment, just being myself. being the mom, the student, the artist, the photographer. claiming my space as my own. not worrying just yet about that other stuff. i have this--possibly wrong--notion that all will be revealed when i'm ready, and that all i have to do right now is take care of the present moment, the kids, the studies, the arts, the self. and when i'm ready, and when it's time, something will happen which will be better than whatever i could imagine, or try to hope for, and that when it happens i will see it for what it is and will know what to do.
we shall see.

i am grateful for:
light
movement
sturdiness
cheese
those moments when another person sees you for who you are and detects exactly what you need and serves it to you just so.

the art, the beast, and the universe

wow. it's been months since i've written a thing. mainly because i have absolutely no time for anything...

school is going amazingly well, though i must say that it's impossible. it's impossible to have three kids, no husband, no co-housers or other live-in help...and go to school full time. but i usually end up doing impossible things, so here i go doing it anyways. i have hours upon hours of homework every week. mostly it's art homework, which is unfathomably arduous--i had no idea the effort and discipline involved in living a life of art. it was a hobby before, something i did for fun when the kids were out of my hair. now it's a daily practice. an hours a day daily practice. i love the immersion in imagery, shapes, design, value, edge, color. i love the hours spent covered in charcoal, or newspaper clippings, or graphite, or gouache. i wish it wasn't such a balancing act between mothering and schooling and arting and living and surviving. but it is what it is and we are all coping the best we can. and mostly loving it. sometimes it gets really overwhelming and everything ratchets up intensely and i feel like my mind will blow apart. or my heart. but then it calms again, and i get a breath, a day at the park with the kids, a moment to read something pleasurable...and then it cranks up again. my life is proof that we live in an expanding AND contracting universe.

i still grieve over the loss of my marriage. which is really the end to the hoping that it would be what it was supposed to be and never, ever was. i have to see my ex-husband regularly, to exchange the kids and the child-support checks, or in the halls at school. and that's hard. it would be easier if he didn't keep existing, if i didn't have to watch him live his shiny new life, with his shiny new girl and house. it's hard not to wonder what's wrong with me, why wasn't i good enough, why is this other girl better. most of the time i realize it's him, not me, and i think even he would agree with that. but there are those dark and painful moments when the beast of my losses looms up in my face and growls and scratches and i just want it to end. i just want my dream back. i want someone else to be a part of my routine...to rub my feet while we watch lost after eating the glorious dinner i made for everyone, because i was a stay-at-home mom able to devote all of my energy to nourishing the lives of those i love most and hold dear.

but those moments are not too common anymore, and i am happier, even in those moments, than i was when i was still living in the illusion of marriage, which was a nightmare of loneliness and unworthiness and twisted hope. i have my kids, my friends, my family, my learning experience, my art, my astonishing ability to survive and thrive despite the shit that seems to try to get in my way. and i have myself back, which is something i lost deep in the bowels of that nightmare...and it is lovely to be in possession of my spirit again, to hold myself gently in my own hands to nurture and pet and watch and be.

i am grateful for:

dad, for so many reasons, but especially his continued love and support and for fronting me the money to buy my new imac, which has already vastly improved and streamlined my school/homework experience.

daisy, our foster dog, who shows unconditional love and loyalty, and who it will be sad to see go.

matt, loki, and ronan, who are constantly helping in a million little ways that make my life vastly more comfortable and tasty.

short stories.

lesley, who watches jubal for me and does a wonderful job--making it possible for me to go to school and work and learn, rather than fret and be sick.

divorced

we tried. we still love each other. no more battles.
Originally uploaded by hedgenettle

it's official. and bizarrely anti-climactic. you just sign some papers and show up in ex-parte, wait in line, the judge glances at the papers and signs and then says you're divorced "as of now"...strange. it wasn't enough hoopla for us, or for me, anyways, so we went to breakfast at brails, which was pretty good.

i think we'll always be quite dear friends and that's plenty for me. i will always love him, and i am deeply grateful to not be married to him anymore.

i feel: sad, sorry, relieved, bittersweet, heartachey, mellow, done...

i am grateful for:

self-help court proceedings
the friendship we've managed to maintain
coffee
love in all forms
peace

i am transformed

worm progress
Originally uploaded by hedgenettle

i finally got my first tattoo. it's been about a month now since i got it and i'm still pleased, still glad i did it, still satisfied...and know that i want more.

i've wanted an earthworm tattoo for a couple of years now as a way to cover up a teen-angst related forearm scar, but never got around to getting it. once rodney left it seemed like a great time to finally commit to the ink.

the earthworm is meaningful to me because it embodies transformation--the activity of transforming something, not just being transformed (for which i might have chosen a mid-transition frog or the classic butterfly)--but actually doing it--taking shit (garbage, food scraps, whatever) and turning it into a rich and precious resource. the kind of transformative energy that has been a huge part of my life lately...it seems i always have some kind of word, phrase, or idea that is the flavor of my life for a period of time. a few years ago it was bittersweet, now it's transformation...turning shit to gold is still a bittersweet concept--there's the shit to contend with, after all--but i like the activity of it, the personal responsibility, the movement. i'm not just commentating on the bittersweet nature of my existence. i'm changing it.

i'm doing it.

i'm grateful for:

words
jimmy, the awesome tattoo artist (check the flickr link for more tattoo shots, including one of jimmy)
jamyson, my new beau, with whom i'm happily enjoying the "romance stage"
myself, for getting--i think--an 'A' in cs 120, despite the misery it caused
my children, for being

my life philosophy paper for my life transitions class

I am a strong and capable person. I admire creativity and kindness in myself and others. I love to explore life using all of my senses, noticing and questioning my perceptions. I am a mother, a friend, a lover, a daughter, and a woman. I am becoming a patient mother, an observant friend, a reciprocal partner, a self-sustaining woman and parent, and an understanding daughter. I am whole and I am growing.

I believe in the intrinsic goodness of all beings. I believe that everyone does the best they can with what they have. I believe that it is valuable to take nothing personally and to take responsibility for my decisions, choices, and actions. I believe that freedom is a higher good than safety. And I believe that is imperative to do the right thing. I value truth, honesty, respect, loyalty, and kindness. I choose to let truth be the guiding force of my life—above all else, I require honesty of myself and others. I choose to treat everyone with the same respect I believe that I deserve. I believe that kindness and understanding are the best first reactions to 95 percent of all situations. I value family, personal relationships, and integrity above material goods and passing trends. I believe that it is usually the right thing to choose that which is best for the greater good over that which is best for one person. I believe that I have a right to happiness.

I am motivated by a desire to live in a world that is sustainable, physically and socially; by love for life; by passion; and by a drive to create a thriving world for my children to explore and fall in love with. I am inspired by justice, creativity, dirt, people, beauty, truth, the natural world, discussions, ideas, art, music, the written word, the innocence of children, the wryness of adults, and the force of life moving through all beings.

I take responsibility for my life. I do this by owning my decisions, being truthful with myself and others, examining my mistakes for areas of improvement, seeking help when I don’t know how to do something so that I can learn to do it correctly, accepting the consequences of my decisions, sharing information I have with others, cleaning up after myself in the world, using resources wisely, behaving in a manner I can respect, asking for what I need, admitting when I’ve done something wrong or made a mistake, and owning the ground I walk on.

I have a purpose in this life. I am raising three children to know what healthy love is, to know how to learn, to take responsibility for their lives, to know their own beauty, to pursue their own happiness, to respect others, to respect themselves, to require respect from others, to respect the earth and the force of life. I set an example for my children and others of strength, patience, kindness, silliness, love, fun, self-acceptance, personal responsibility, joy for life, passion, kindness, and growth. May my example inspire my children and others to live lives of truth and joy.

I want to live in a world that is just. I want to live in a world that is fair. I want to live in a world where passion matters, kindness rules, a sense of humor is regarded more highly than a perfectly arched eyebrow, and where all life is treated with respect and honor. I want to live in a world that is healthy, on a planet that is treated with respect, in a community that believes in equality, and in a home that celebrates all that life has to offer us. I want to live in a world that is growing, changing, moving, playing, thriving, and full of love.

I will leave the world a better place. I will spread my influence in several ways—By raising beautiful children into responsible adults. By infiltrating mass media culture with my subtle art and design. By voting with my dollars about what matters to me (fair trade, organic, sustainable). By living a life that is in concert with my values and dreams. By teaching those around me to create the lives they want for themselves—and by showing them it is possible. I will leave the world a better place by being a good mother, daughter, friend, lover, and woman.

sometimes love is conditional

in a moment of physical and mental exhaustion, i let something private slip to the wrong person. i won't go into detail here--as i mentioned, it's something private...but it's something i've always known and have never shared, but have recently been briefly exploring in my super-helpful and blessing-laden counseling sessions. when someone who has always been my friend, supporter, and champion asked me about it, i went ahead and said. it's hard, and it's a burden, and i was vulnerable and had my guard down. it's not information i've ever intended to DO ANYTHING with, or even to share, really, except for to deal with my own personal consequences, process some *stuff*, and finally move on from.

my moment of rawness felt like a small pebble, but was more like a meteor. it has crashed into my world, and the world of some of those who love me most, or who i thought loved me most, or both. both. my relationship with my confidant is altered. it's strange and awkward and guarded. another family member has disowned me. who knew people still did that? no conversation. no this is my version, this is your version, how do we cope with this...just "i'm never going to see or talk to you again."

with the flip of a switch, i'm altered forever in their minds. i'm accused. i'm unkind. i'm a liar. i'm an accuser. i'm not worth knowing.

how quickly you can go from being loved and supported to being evil and wrong and worthless. how tenuous our connections can be, even when they seem strong and thick, woven of love and sinew. how much of what we think is just based on perceptions that can be so wrong. how much family is an idea in my mind and not necessarily supported by fact. how many different ideas of truth.

it makes me think of all my connections...what does it take? what can i do that will forever mar me in someone's eyes and heart? who will REALLY love me forever? where am i ACTUALLY safe?

it feels like tiredness. it feels like muscles being torn. it feels like disappointment. it feels like i should never, ever trust anyone. it feels like i was right to be afraid of everything. it feels like anger. it feels like injustice. it feels surreal.

i am grateful for:
bread
juice
rocks
tomatoes
rodney, who was the only one i could call (besides dad) and who readily said it was f*cked up and i didn't deserve it.

put one foot in front of the other and go

...and then keep going. some of my days are hard all day, some of them will be. some of them are barely detectable as hard, so far those days are few and far between, but i'm pretty sure there have been some.

this is just a little update, a little what's going on...

school is going well, i honestly enjoy it, and the homework load is not unbearable. i was ambivalent about the women in transitions program, because i was afraid it would just be a bunch of f*ck-ups having some horrible group therapy session...when i was imagining that i forgot that we're all there because we're ready for change, we're ready to actually DEAL with our transitions. so, it's actually a very positive environment, with a lot of support and a lot of tools and a sort of resource hub. we're all there because our lives weren't working, for various reasons, AND we're ready to create lives for ourselves that will work...we don't just want to survive, we want to thrive, and it's a great place to see that you can. when R. first left someone told me i should move in with my dad, take care of the kids during the day, and get a job--any job--at night...of course i wasn't even invited to move in with dad, nor did i want to, and it just didn't make sense to me to create a LIFE of struggle, by getting any menial job i could (in this economy?!) and just continuing to do that for the next 16 years, or even the next 4 years, until jubal could go to school...when i could go back to school now, get skills in a field that is actually thriving right now, and which i honestly love and show aptitude for. i think it might have been the worst advice i was ever offered--fortunately, i rarely listen to advice. everything is going so smoothly in the school arena of my life that there is absolutely no room for doubt in my mind: i made the right choice.

the kids are doing quite well. that's not to say it isn't hard and painful for them, it is, and i try to remind them through words and action every single day that they did not deserve this, they did nothing to invoke it, and that I WILL NEVER LEAVE THEM. it is their pain and discomfort which feeds my small fire of hatred toward R. i try not to foster it, and i try not to feed it on purpose, and i try to remember that he didn't do it on purpose (by which i mean getting into a family when he really didn't want to, or only thought he wanted to, or whatever)...but that fact that he doesn't want to, and won't, participate 50% in their lives, in their care, etc...well, he IS doing that on purpose, and it's just plain wrong. so the small fire burns.

the homestead is thriving. mom comes every week to tend the kids and does mindblowing amounts of house- and yard work. the lawn gets mowed and weed-eaten, the garden gets watered, the floors are always clean, the dishes done, the laundry folded. it really is insane, i'd be lost in a sea of laundry, dust bunnies and weeds if it wasn't for her. when she's not here, everything falls apart until sunday, when i put it back together again. dad came over today to look at my deck, which needs replacing, or at least repairing, and it feels good to think about that being fixed and safe again. i fantasize about grilling out there and eating pleasant summer dinners, with my north garden for a view.

the only thing not thriving yet is my social life, which is just going to take time. it takes time to make friends. i remind myself of this constantly, because i am so lonely and moorless...i'm eager for activities that are about ME, not just megan the mom of three, but megan the woman, the artist, the funny, vivacious, sweet lady...i'm feeling impatient, but i realize it will happen. everything happens eventually.

i am grateful for:

my dad and beckie
my mom
loki and matt and ronan
my capability
my flickr buddies, who fill in the gaps of lonliness a little bit