cheeky monkey

eye candy for you

2011-02-13T11:51:00.000-08:00

so, i've been pretty sick for a couple of weeks. very sick for a few days. it's messed with my make something every day goal, which is fine, because i do prioritize rest and self-care and don't want to pressure myself. i've done some doodles and some projects and it's been fun. but since i don't have a lot to show (you don't want to see my ugly doodles, promise!) i wanted to take the opportunity to share a couple of rad graphic treats i've been enjoying lately.

rodney and i were at the pub several weeks ago (which is connected to our favorite bookstore, Kalapuya Books) and i spotted this treasure in the window display. i had to have it! rodney scrawled a note on the back of a bar ticket for hal and betsey (they own the bookstore) imploring them to hold it for him, which, of course, they did. Three bucks and it was mine!

i love this style of kid-book illustration. i love that it is typeset in futura (my favorite typeface right now). and i love that it is pop-up (and that someone lovingly replaced the king's head by scrawling him a new face on the backside of a lunar calendar). the whole thing is awesome.

a while back i shared a link on facebook for this interesting hanging nest seat things. they're designed by DEDON, i believe they call them the restnest or something like that. i just thought they were so awesome. i signed up for their mailing list and promptly forgot all about them.

a couple days ago this amazing catalog arrived. over 300 pages, full color, beautiful heavy-weight matte paper. it's gorgeous. when i am wealthy enough to furnish my outdoor living spaces with their completely rad products, i will be a very happy girl.

i am grateful for:

movies

juice

design

cotton

palladio herbal cosmetics

a taste of the week's creations:

2011-02-02T14:33:00.001-08:00

line drawings of art objects. doing these was great. i didn't get wound up with expectations, i just drew. and colored. i have a box of tiles i picked up at bring a couple of years ago and i cut out the drawings and pasted them to the tiles. i like to make coasters with them, modge-podging my images and then coating them with a layer of envirotex (which is a truely awesome product. i also use it for my bottle cap art).

jubal being a monkey in the bathroom. it was a long and busy day and the best i could do was make a memory photograph. i love this photograph because jubal is being jubal and i didn't stop to clean my bathroom counter off before i shot it. it reminds me of an arthur book.

the long road. i'm dealing with a lot of *stuff* right now and i took this photograph as way to honor what's going on. to acknowledge the reality of my life and the extent of my path. it's just a street in a neighborhood but it's my street, in my neighborhood, in my life. and there is beauty in the sky, and in the still-bare tree limbs against it. there is hope and potential, and there is a foundation.

i am grateful for:

art

packaging

my friend martin

sleep

netflix

made today: my logo

2011-01-29T17:14:00.001-08:00

making comfort and peace

2011-01-27T18:08:00.000-08:00

on the other side is my super-old recipe for pancakes, that sort of explains at least some of the grime. maybe. or i'm just gross.

last night i made comfort food. i've been craving cheese and onion scones like mad for days, so i decided to make them biscuit-style...with mashed potatoes and gravy, meatloaf, and steamed veg. i used my most-favored biscuit recipe, which i'm sharing a picture of because it's still on this grimy index card from way, waaaay back in the day. back when i was just this side of a hippie, living in a 120 square foot yurt with lorin and baby vesta, hauling my own water and making everything from scratch, probably from something we grew ourselves in long, long rows of green, amazing food. i keep thinking i really need to re-do my recipe cards--somewhere back in my brain i'm hatching a plan to put them all into a book using pen-and-ink and inDesign--but i just can't let go of my recipe card, because it reminds me of the old days, when time was slow and all my skin was brown from living and working in the sun all day. no schedules, and the demands on me were those necessitated by the seasons, the land, and my growing baby. ah, to be young and idealistic and off the grid...the biscuits were so good that there weren't any left for me to take for lunch. so i will have to make them again soon. and hide them.

i also made this kickass gravy with beef stock and beer, which had a super delicious, rustic flavor. i was going for a bit of the feel of morning glory cafe's old biscuits and gravy taste.

today i asked vesta to teach me how to make an origami crane. i was feeling exhausted from being sick and from just having so much to do lately. such a schedule and so many demands. no wonder i yearn for even the grimiest reminder of a slower time...anyways, i thought well, i want to make something, and i knew vesta has been teaching art class at her school once a week or so for the last 2 or 3 weeks and i wanted to see how she was at it, and give her some practice for the art class tomorrow, if she wanted it. plus just getting to spend a few minutes with her, uninterrupted. she was pretty good, i must say, and i managed to make this crane. not bad. is it 1,000 or 10,000 for peace? i can't remember. at my house it's just two. mine and hers.

she is so not a baby anymore.

i am grateful for:

paper

beer

sleep

my awesome instructors

weekends

best laid plans

2011-01-26T16:21:00.000-08:00

i've been sick for a few days, and unusually tired for several days. but i have managed, in my own way (read: stretching and massaging the definition of "make something") to make something pretty much every day. i might have missed one or two. i have not, however, been very good at photographically documenting my creations...many of them were food related and were eaten before i remembered. a couple of them were just private (read: logo design sketches and/or: ugly). i have for you today a representative photo of the last week-ish (well, 2 photos. anyways). it's my favorite project of late. here's why:

1. i did not think about it. or the time it involved. i just did it.

2. it totally reused stuff that i hoard (magazines, amazon delivery boxes)

3. it took stuff i hoard and made it into stuff to organize other stuff i hoard! rad.

4. jubal did it with me.

5. it used tape, which is an awesome invention.

6. it did not involve moving a lot, or getting in and out of "the zone". i didn't have to move further than 15 feet from where i was to get everything i needed to make it, from start to finish.

7. it has pictures on it.

i wanted something to organize my communication arts magazines, a subscription to which is a gift to myself to support my interest and career path in design. it's not a cheap magazine and i keep them all to reference for information and inspiration. i want them separate from all the other magazines so the kids don't accidentally cut them up, making a VERY EXPENSIVE collage. but. i have a thing against spending money on those fancy magazine holding box thingies that you can get at fancy places that i don't shop. the most money i will devote to organizing or holding the things that i pack-rat is the occasional purchase of a big clear plastic tub or a pine board to erect a shelf.

so i found a box. and i grabbed two national geographics. i was determined to use only 2 and not head back to the magazine stash. i also grabbed some packing tape, a utility knife, and some scissors.

the box was too deep to snugly hold the magazines, so i made a spacer out of the flaps of the box all taped together with some other random cardboard pieces i found. then i cut down the front. and i just found images i liked and taped them on. jubal joined me and he found stuff he liked and i taped that on. he made "books" out of stapled magazine pages for a while and then he wandered off and i just kept cutting and taping. when the box was all covered i put another solid layer of tape on it for sturdiness. THEN i had to leave the zone to find all my communication arts magazines scattered around the house. i didn't find them all, but when i do, i know where to put them.

another cool thing about this project was that before i started it i was checking some musical reference online for a discussion r. and i were having and noticed my e-music amount had re-booted, so i bought some new music and got to listen to it while i worked. my e-music account is almost exclusively for treating myself to stuff i wouldn't necessarily normally buy. it's like a "hey, try this" account. or for splurges on things i've always wanted but never gotten around to buying.

here's the set-list to my magazine box making:

the black keys: the big come up

beck: mutations

breathe owl breathe: the fall album

demons: scarcity rock

the maccabees: colour it in

*i didn't get all of those albums in one day, some of them were still un-listened to much from last month. i also got nina simone: nina simone sings the blues, but didn't listen to it in that session (i did later though and it was deeeeelicious.)

intentions

2011-01-19T18:37:00.000-08:00

tuesday after school rodney made dinner and asked if i wanted to go to the pub for a while and play some pool. of course i did. we had fun and even one really good game, where i only had one ball left on the table when he beat me. i've never won, except when he somehow fouls hitting the 8 ball and i win by default, which does not count. i took my camera along to "make" a photograph. it's been a while since i fooled around with the manual settings and i thought i might get some interesting slow shutter speed shots. i'm not in love with them, but it was fun and i did get this nifty image with rodney's ghosty form playing billiards. i didn't notice until i dragged it into photoshop to put the B&W adjustment on it that my sweetheart wrote "megan rulz" on the scoreboard. rad. it was nice to bust out the camera and the tripod and photograph stuff with intention, rather than the ill-lit, tungstony, snap-shots i've been taking of late.

today i did all kinds of making stuff. i spent a good three hours finishing the format job on dad's book. one of those classic "this should take 30 mins tops" kind of scenes, where you're, you know, WRONG about that. it was a breathtaking experience, being responsible for it. he's printing through lulu and needed me to upload it for him for some reason i never understood, so when it came time to deliver the files i was confronted with this page of questions to navigate that seemed so very final and important and BIG. i called him and we sorted it out to the best of our abilities, but i must say, i don't think i would publish a book with them. their website is really hard to navigate if you need information, and their response time is sluggish. i'd much rather be face-to-face with a printer who can answer my questions just then and personally address my needs. regardless of my opinion of lulu, it was a really exciting experience for me. i'm so proud of dad. after i did all the formatting i just kept scrolling through the pages looking at how beautifully it looked like A REAL BOOK!!! and getting all butterfly-ey. we still need to upload the cover art, so i get to go through it all again in a few days. when i answered all the questions and uploaded my file and finally pushed "submit" the result was this little, silent, anticlimactic message.

if i ever run an online printhouse i hereby vow that when you submit your first-ever, beautifully formatted, blood and sweat covered manuscript some rad flash of steve martin playing the banjo at the head of the awesomest marching band EVER will scroll across the screen and george carlin will appear knocking at your door, delivering a celebratory cake.

i also made chili today with all the various chili-appropriate left overs in the fridge ( i think i am becoming famous for this ability to turn any kind of left over into some form of soup product ). i used the chilies from our friends bryan and kym's garden that have been drying in a bunch from the kitchen ceiling, accusing me of neglect. we are just about to eat it and i am so ready.

also, hazel and jubal wanted to make oatmeal raisin cookies and we needed brown sugar, so i made that too. you just drizzle some molasses into a running food processor full of sugar until the color suits you. i'd love to go into a whole thing about how much i love raw sugar over white sugar, and dazzle you with my nutritional and humanitarian rights factoids, but lately all i ever have on hand is white sugar, thanks to my southern-born hubface and his sweet-tea addiction. i just let it go. when i'm a rich and famous yippie designer, i promise to only buy organic fair trade raw sugar that was sustainably harvested and transported on the backs of lovingly tended burros. or something.

and speaking of intentions. smoking. so we had the january 1st inferno of cigarettes and cigarette packaging. and then rodney slipped. so i slipped. then we might have been on again and he slipped again. and then we were back on track and he got sick and was in bed for days and i had to do everything myself from morning til night and i cannot adequately express how lovely it was to smoke just a tiny bit while he was sleeping for days on end. and then he was smoking again and breaking a couple other resolutions, and i got fed up with the on again off again crap and delivered an eloquent speech that involved the notion of shitting or getting off the pot, except more refined and passionate sounding and he actually took it to heart and quit for reals. he did this while i was mid-pack, so i stretched it out, smoking a couple times a day, finishing my smokes early monday morning. today i bought another pack. he's been quit for reals for a week today and i'm the horrible one who bought another damn pack. the irony is killing me, since he's the one who was smoking like a pack a day and i'm the one who has painlessly quit smoking at the drop of a hat several times, easily and without fanfare. and now, NOW?! it becomes some stupid challenge that i'm sucking at? frustrating.

i am grateful for:

oranges. i haven't eaten one in, possibly, years, but my friend andrew eats them at school all the time and it inspired me to try one again. yum.

quiet. i'm sure i'll get some sometime and i know it will be lovely.

the new decemberists album, which is very mellow and americana. i'm partial to rox in the box. january hymn is sweet, too.

date night. we'll be seeing the fighter this weekend!

enduring love which sees past irritations, frustrations, disappointment, failures, mistakes, and all the other crap.

i (heart) inDesign

2011-01-17T21:40:00.000-08:00

today i worked on formatting dad's book (find out more here) in inDesign, my most favored of the adobe creative suite programs. i don't get to design the interior of the book, dad ordered some kind of package from lulu to do that, but it still needed to be formatted before it was sent to lulu. i spent a nice chunk of time changing spacebar tabs into real tabs and putting in page breaks for the chapter ends, and a few other things, including some awesome "find and change" tasks that saved me, literally, hours, were i to have to do it myself (especially changing the double space after a period to the book-friendly single space after a period). dad's book is almost ready to send to the printer!

i am grateful for:

opportunity

kindness

pleasure

calm

joy

exhale...and...!

2011-01-15T22:50:00.000-08:00

it's been a long week. most of you will not be surprised to learn that it is actually very hard to make something every single day. most of you will not be surprised, if you know me at all, to learn that i have really elasticized the definition of "make something".

last sunday: i made time for myself. i NEEDED to get out of the house. i went to the movies. this may not sound like much but i don't actually get much time to myself and it was worth it. i saw black swan and it was very effective, though i'm not sure i can say that i liked it. it did give me quite the stomach ache for some time after it was over. like i said: effective. tales of madness get to me because of all the actual madness in my life. the acting was very good, and the direction, and the filming. still, i'm not sure how i feel about it. no matter my ambivalent feelings--the time to myself was SO AWESOME. it might even be nice to make time for myself one thing i make every single week. especially if it involves movies.

monday: chicken soup with star pasta and cannellini beans. part of the sunday time to myself involved verbally shoving a chicken at rodney and telling him to figure out how to roast it on my way out the door. he did an excellent job and we made the soup together. it was yummy.

tuesday: i made tiny brochures for my design class. yeah, i know, more homework as making something, but these, at least, were tiny mock brochures. made by hand. so cute. sorry, i neglected to photograph those.

wednesday: vesta needed to speak at a school board meeting for a presentation that her school was doing, so i brought yarn. i thought i would make some fingerless glove/arm-warmer thingies. so far i just have rectangles that i pull out and restart, but it was nice to bust out the needles and yarn all the same. vesta was awesome, by the way.

thursday: i had a horrible migraine. i asked rodney to make dinner and popped 2 excedrin migraines and laid very still in bed until they kicked in. then i was starving and ate a bunch of his yummy stir fry and made tiny boxes out of mini cereal boxes and other packaging i've been saving, while i watched some addictive trivia game show involving a million dollars and then bones. i love the rare chance to sit and watch mindless t.v. with the girls and especially love that i was DOING SOMETHING the whole time! these mini cereal boxes were very hard to fold against the grain and i don't think i'll be doing this again. the mini boxes work awesomely with recycled cards, though. i feel obliged to put in a disclaimer here--this is NOT normal fare at our house. i specifically got the mini cereals to make artist books out of, but the boxes were getting that hoardy feeling, so i will just get more if ever i am actually ready to do the artist books. it's its ARE very good, though. and i do eat those an a regular once-in-a-while basis. and they make for a cool box because they say "IT's it!" in big beautiful green type, which is nice for putting little gifts in.

friday: i realize this is really stretching it. but, oh well. what i made on friday was a mii. yes. we got our wii on friday because, well, because wiis are rad and we all deserve one. i've wanted a nintendo since i was 11 or so. it looks pretty good and quite a bit like me, i think. (i don't know why, but the orientation refuses to stay changed when i flip it right-side up).

saturday: more homework as making something. in addition to making these brochure comps for mercy corp i also did some (read: hours) of dreamweaver homework. unfortunately we are still at the stage where we just do what we're told and don't actually design (read: what i spent hours on is too ugly to show you). dad took the kids up to portland for my aunt's surprise birthday party and rodney and i stayed home and did homework all day until we left for town to have an early date night. we saw True Grit and it was wonderful. i recommend it.

and finally, this sunday. today we all went to town and played mini golf at some weird "family fun center" type place that was straight outta roseanne, called putters. rodney gets the hook-up over at LCC for free tickets to these strange places we normally wouldn't go to. it was interesting, if over-stimulating. AND, i got a hole-in-one! tonight i made an adobe illustrator "sketch" of an idea i had a few years ago. this is by no means the final design, because originally i wanted it to look very much screen-printed or hand-stamped, which, of course, this doesn't. but it was still fun to play with the idea in illustrator and just mess around. my plan is to do a series--lemons on pink, limes on brown, oranges on blue...and later perhaps a tomato, squash, etc. theme.

have a great week!

i am grateful for:

dad taking the kids all day

rex goliath (best cheap wine EVER)

that i forgot monday was a holiday and now i remember so it's totally extra

sore muscles

good food

variety show and tell

2011-01-08T23:34:00.000-08:00

not surprising to any of you who normally read my blog (hey loki!) i've fallen behind in my daily positing, which is probably better anyways. it's likely i'll keep this up, posting my creations a couple of times a week...

on thursday, after design class i had a long lunch break before production class. to make up for being so stressed out the night before (doing the ali posters), for which i was lovingly teased about all through class, i decided to treat myself to lunch at casablanca. it was a risky move, as parking has been hideous (as always at the start of any term) and i'm always too afraid to leave to have lunch in case i won't be able to find a spot when i come back. usually i bring something. this time i decided to risk it. i think a lamb pocket sandwich from casablanca just might be my best comfort food. part of it is the guys that work there. so reliably geeky and friendly. i love sitting at the little bar watching them cook curries and forming falafel in their weird plunger-meets-mold contraption. i love that the lamb pockets ALWAYS taste good, and how spicy they are, and also that the guys always catch my eye and ask me halfway through how it is. the only thing i don't love is that the pockets come wrapped in paper AND on a little paper plate. every time, i leave there with the totally clean plate stashed somewhere on my person to be recycled at home. i decided i would make something with it this time. because the trip to casablanca felt so good i also stopped at oregon art supply for some retail therapy. i bought a pack of faber-castelle broad brushtip markers. they were $20 but i had a collection of OAS customer cards that got me $10 off with $62 toward my next discount. (awesome!)

here is what i made. it's for hanging near my desk to remind myself not to get so stressed out. it'll be okay. we'll always have casablanca. thanks to the one person who laughed a little at that joke.

the next night i made chicken for dinner. no biggie, i make dinner pretty much every night. but this time i made my own cutlets by smashing my chicken breasts to an even thickness utilizing a sheet of plastic wrap and a hammer. it's good to try something new. i dunked them in an eggy-milk bath and breaded them in panko, which i'd seasoned with basil and other rad spices. they were quite a success. rodney had even finally risen from his flu-induced near-coma and was able to enjoy them.

and tonight i made this little book. it's for rodney and i to keep in a centralized location and write each other little love notes in. we need little love notes. it's perfect for my project because it:

a. uses national geographics AND some of the 4 packs of paper i got off of kyle when she closed the little school. (read: it was an anti-hoarding supporting craft) also the paper is green which is rodney's favorite color.

b. it used the laminator. one of those things people like me buy because it would be SO AWESOME for crafts and then maybe doesn't use it that much. which is sort of a cousin of hoarding. i made little books like this for the girls' stockings and they were a huge hit, even though they don't close properly and you have to keep them shut with a rubber-band.

c. it used the saddle-stitch stapler. see b.

and it's good because it will hold love notes, which are nice.

today was the "celebration of life" for uncle dave. vesta wanted to go and hazel didn't, so we gave lorin a ride and celebrated dave by crying a lot. he was quite honestly one of the awesomest, most generous men i've ever met and the joint was packed. everyone had lovely things to say and there was A LOT of crying and that kind of laughing that happens when someone lovely has passed and stories are told and it becomes obvious how beautifully connected we all were to one person, so we all understand the jokes and mannerisms people mention when they share about them.

i do not normally feel very good about lorin, so it was pretty nice to spend some human time with each other, supporting our daughter and relating as people. after the service we went to papa's soul food because that is the perfect thing to eat at a time like that.

rodney and i got to go to the axe for a while this evening and play some pool. i even almost beat him once! there was this great, loud blues band playing (heavy chevy) and we danced a tiny bit upstairs by the pool table and then laughed about how terribly we dance. it was bad. but awesome. i still had on my spendy shoes and my skirt from the service and it was RAD to go out in my portias. rodney was laughing about them because he always helps me put them on and take them off (they are strappy and fiddly on the side of your foot that isn't easy to reach yourself) and he went to set one on the floor while he took the other one off and i squealed "don't put them on the floor!" because i am SO protective of them because they are well made and were NOT cheap and he thinks it's cute how i baby them and always put them away in their box as soon as i'm done wearing them. he commented about it and said they were like my porsches, and i told him they were called that (because, like the homes of the rich, fancy shoes have names!), this particular model is made by dansko and is called portia. anyways it amused me.

i am grateful for

my shoes!

soul-throbbing music with amazing guitar skills

soul-food (especially the hush puppies at papa's)

vesta being old enough to babysit

rodney not letting me win at pool because when i DO win it will be for reals and it will be WONDERFUL

a justified justification

2011-01-05T22:58:00.000-08:00

i had a very long day.

rodney was sick and did absolutely nothing all day.

when i got home from school i tidied and split wood and lit the stove and ate lunch and then i got to work on my design homework. which i distinctly remember tom saying was "easy" and i think also "nothing". so i will not say how many hours i spent on it. but i will say that other than picking up jubal, fetching dinner from :::shudder::: a fast food establishment, and helping the girls with homework as little as i could get away with, i, uh, didn't really do anything else. and it's really late now. so. (and by "didn't do anything else" i don't mean vegging around not doing anything. i mean i was working. the whole effing time.)

the assignment was to make 3 different typographical posters using the same grid and elements, and 3 muhammad ali documentary posters using the same grid, images, and text. somehow i did not grok that each poster had to have all 3 images. so i did not make the posters each with all 3 images. then i found out my mistake. and i had to make 2 of them over again. (by poster #3 i'd started wondering and put all 3 in, so i didn't have to re-do that one.)

now, looking at my grid system ones, i really wish i had pushed more and made them more dynamic. ah well. there's always next time. really, there always is.

so. for today, homework counts as making something. technically 2 of the posters weren't even for homework, since i DIDN'T DO THEM RIGHT.

in case you were wondering, this is an awesome time to quit smoking. really. yes, i am being sarcastic.

today i am grateful for:

jubal falling asleep fairly quickly after we read books so i could get back to work

patience, which i, shockingly, have

sleep, which i will finally get very soon

good books

good headphones (listening to music while working vastly improves the flow)

already i see how tiny make something can be

2011-01-04T18:11:00.000-08:00

basically what i made today was a doodle. my original plan was to do a back and forth with rodney and see what developed, because we both had a big chunk of break at school today. but he wandered off to the bathroom right after we started and anyways he kept doing overly complex shapes and right in the middle of the page. when he wandered off i did one on my own, thinking i might scan it and work with it in illustrator tonight. well. i might. things happen sometimes that are unexpected. but i probably won't.

today i had my GD classes, including production. we did some stuff in photoshop that i've never done and it made my brain tired. and there is a lot of homework. i can already see my intentions weakening. i feel the desire to cave and allow school projects to count as the thing i made. we'll see.

here is the doodle i did.

and here is the one i started with rodney that we never finished.

it's okay, i said even the tiniest thing would count. just to make SOMEthing, however small.

today i am grateful for:

takeout pizza

digital cameras

my bed

warmth

a sense of humor and compassion

yes!

2011-01-04T06:29:00.000-08:00

i just wanted to share this link to neil gaiman's blog. because he and amanda palmer got MARRIED and i am ecstatic. jason webley officiated, which is awesome. i couldn't be happier for two people i don't know.

when it's so cold i feel lazy

2011-01-03T17:23:00.000-08:00

winter term started today. all i had was my web design production class, and it was the usual first class of the term sort of reviewing of the syllabus and program guidelines and why we need to be good at web design. i never wanted to be a web designer and was too stupid to realize when i decided to become a graphic designer that being a web designer would consequently be included.

when i took my XHTML class it was just confusing and frustrating and hard. so i'm not totally stoked about this class. that said, i do like the instructor, and i do need to learn this stuff, so i am excited at the possibility of learning it in a way that is more meaningful and easier for me to understand. i will be thrilled if i actually end up understanding the subject matter. wish me luck.

today i made magazine page envelopes. loki first taught me to make them years ago when i was assisting her with the tail end of Bummers and Gummers. it was a mind-blowing concept at the time. i was so thrilled with the recycle-ed-ness of it, and the picture-filled-ness, and the anti-corporate, unbleached whateverness...it was awesomely revolutionary to me and i loved to sit in front of our ancient tellie with one of loki's strange video tapes popped into the VCR dismantling National Geographics and turning them into envelopes. old National Geographics are so awesome for so many different projects. i have quite a stash of them, and for that reason it's likely that a lot of my projects this year will involve them somehow.

i usually bust out the glue stick and glue shut my seams and end flaps, but this time i just used tape, which obviously isn't as neat, but is easier and less messy, especially when you can just say "honey, will you bring me my tape?" and never even leave the comfort of your fuzzy blanket on the couch with judge judy on the tellie reaming idiots new ones and generally shouting and seeming tough. i couldn't remember with precision where the glue stick might have got off to, so i settled for tape, since it meant i wouldn't have to get up. it's so cold right now, and that makes me lazy. it makes all my joints and my spine hurt, which makes me feel old, and wonder how crippled up i will be when i am ACTUALLY old. but i digress.

i didn't make particular sizes, again because of the laziness. the post office has gotten rather annoyingly tight about their envelope rules and they are supposed to be a certain size and shape and not be made of glossy magazines anymore. so if i wanted to make officially mailable ones, i would have had to get off my cold butt and google postal regulations, and that wasn't going to happen. so i just found pictures i liked, and then made envelopes that fit the pictures nicely. i can use these for little gift cards, or to hold random things like brads, or glitter, or coins.

my favorite one is the one with the crawdads where i left a little bit of the text and it says "some like it hot". i also really like the one with the students in labcoats going through people's garbage. the article, which was probably from the 80s judging by the photography, called them "garbologists", which amused me.

envelopes are seriously one of my favorite things. they are made of paper, which i love. and they hold other things, which is a trait that i love. and they are used to transport various types of missives, which is ANOTHER thing that i love. also, making them totally justifies time spent vegging on the couch watching t.v. (i might have to make some more tonight when the new bachelor and all new episode of castle are on. i just might.)

i also made 2 loaves of bread today (or at least started them, they are rising right now) and i made garlic bread to go with dinner with the left over bread from the last batch. even though it's rodney's night to cook. it's not one of my official resolutions, but i decided over winter break to go back to baking my own bread all of the time and have been doing it for almost a month now. it's pretty rad. warm, just-out bread is the best.

i am grateful for:

yeast

magazines

tape

scissors

crap t.v. shows

rad skirt

2011-01-02T17:49:00.000-08:00

today i made a rad skirt. this picture sucks because vesta took it while jubal was running in and out of the frame yelling something and flinging things. because he wanted his picture taken and also because he could see how annoyed we were getting. the upside of it being blurry is that it doesn't matter that i didn't shave my legs. in the background you can see my dishwasher. oh how i love it.

so, this fabric. it's polyester. which normally i wouldn't make clothes out of, but occasionally it seems like a good idea. i'll be wearing this skirt over tights or leggings anyways. and the pattern can't be beat.

i got it from dad, who found it in great uncle bob's stuff. hoarded from the era of his first wife. a long time ago. and it smelled when i got it, sort of a musty odor that made me think i was going to have to toss it after all. but i worked some magic with a couple of long soakings in the washing machine that involved bac-out, vinegar, baking soda, and laundry soap. i have some more interesting polyester that i will probably make into another skirt, one less quick and simple and slouzy as this. maybe one with a zipper.

tomorrow i start back to school and i have to do a big in-town grocery shopping trip and i'm very curious how that will effect what i make. i know i won't be sewing it, that's for sure.

i am grateful for:

the art of weaving

technology

that bill gates spends a lot of money trying to eliminate carbon emissions

my i pod that martin gave me and is so totally rad

cee lo green's album, ladykiller

what i made today, setting things on fire, and sad girls.

2011-01-01T16:27:00.000-08:00

today i made: 6 mixy-matchy napkins, as amy karol calls them. i didn't follow her recipe specifically, but a similar creation is featured in her book Bend the Rules Sewing. i had some scrap fabric and fat quarters, so i just folded one of the fatties over itself triangle-wise and cut off the excess, so i had a square. i folded over the edges and pressed, folded again and pressed and sewed.

we only use cloth napkins at our house and ours have gotten super crappy all of the sudden, so i've been meaning to make some new ones. now i have.

rodney and i had our last smokes this morning and tossed the rest into the woodstove. mine was empty, but his had a bunch still left in there, so i was pretty impressed. i just threw mine in for show. currently, i'm doing well, but feeling like it's dumb to quit smoking because smoking is so rad. however, it's important to me that i be as healthy as possible and model good health for the kids. so. still not smoking.

last night the girls went to their friend ronan's house to stay up late and celebrate the new year. rodney and i watched a bunch of t.v. and smoked a lot. a little after 7 the girls' dad called to let me know that dave, their aunt's husband, had died the morning before. dave was a lovely, awesome man and it was sad news to receive. i picked the girls up this afternoon and had to tell them when we got home. they are devastated. there was a long period of sitting on my bed trying to touch them both while they cried and were very still and hot and sad. they just saw him over christmas and they are suffering from the grief of losing dave, sadness for their aunt and how she will cope, and struggling with the idea of mortality. the reality that you can have christmas dinner with a man one day and the next week he is no longer living. dave was not particularly old, and so they are probably thinking about their mom and dad, and their grandparents, and themselves, and how suddenly and unexpectedly a life can change.

my love is going out to aunt L. today. i hope she has the support she needs. i hope she finds the strength to survive. i hope she can manage.

i am grateful for:

vesta

hazel

jubal

rodney

dad

resolve

2010-12-31T16:23:00.001-08:00

resolve
Originally uploaded by hedgenettle

i don't normally make new year's resolutions. i prefer to just decide i want to do something and do it whenever i decide that. certain people i know constantly put things off "until new year's" and that's dumb. this year, however, i do have some resolutions. pretty big ones, i think.

the last year has been long, arduous, complicated, strenuous, satisfying, mind-blowing, fun, and generally successful at making me be happier to be alive than not. hopefully the new year will be all of those things and more. but all the "more" things should be rad.

here are my resolutions:

general fitness goals (work out more frequently and harder, eat more veg and less everything else, eat my smoothies at least 5 days a week, drink my tonic teas, don't eat candybars on a regular basis)

quit smoking. i really don't like this one. i love smoking. i love cigarettes. i love their boxes and smoke and shape. i love taking little time outs throughout the day to smoke. i love the social aspect of smoking during breaks at school. i pretty much love everything about smoking. except that it isn't good for me, and that if i keep doing it, so will my husband, and he smokes nasty chemical cigarettes, about a pack a day. i'm quitting smoking to support my health, to be a good role model for my kids, and to support and inspire my husband to quit smoking. in the coming days, when i want to smoke, i will take 3 deep breaths. i'll take as many 3 deep breaths as necessary until i can stand not smoking just then.

make certain to compliment and/or express my gratitude and admiration to my immediate family every single day. to really notice something lovely they've said or done or been and give thanks for it.

AND

make something every day. some little tiny piece of art or writing, or prepare a specially lovely meal, or take a very intentional photograph. every day. EVERY DAY. this is because i love making things. and i get busy in school making things for school, executing homework, etc. and then i get busy at home taking care of everyone and doing chores and vegging out with netflix...and i forget to just make things for myself, just because i love it. also, because i want my house to be cleaner and less cluttered and i will use this resolution as an opportunity to use all of that stuff i save because it would be just awesome for an art project (if i EVER got around to using those things for that purpose!)
also, i am really looking forward to how this goal changes my definition of "make something", and in seeing what it produces.

happy new year, everybody. i hope you are blessed.

i am grateful for:
my dad
the adobe creative suite
flexibility
honesty
expensive, well-made shoes

oops. i forgot to say. in an effort to hold myself accountable and keep motivated, i will be posting my daily creations to flickr, and probably, through flickr, to here. i look forward to sharing them with you.

the chrstmas list

2010-11-21T09:56:00.000-08:00

the air is getting crisp, the leaves have fallen, jubal has a cough, and the woodstove is doing constant duty. this means it is getting close to christmas and we must celebrate by eating lovely meals with our families, singing carols, and drinking lots and lots of egg nog.

that also means it's time for one of my famous wish lists. i know you love me, but if you want to show me just how much by showering me with gifts, i won't complain. especially if it's one of these awesome treasures:

the main star of my wish list this year was a classic i pod, cleverly engraved...but my friend martin gave me his old i pod, and it is soooo lovely and sports 30GB of song-saving memory, so the classic would still be nice, but i'm pretty well set. that wittily engraved message still holds my desire, though. so.

not surprisingly nobody gave me the ultra-expensive macbook pro for my birthday, so, impractically, i've added it to my christmas list. i want the 15-incher with a 500GB hard drive and 8GB of RAM. a girl can dream.

i really, really would love something from the yellow owl workshop. i am especially in love with their stamp sets, especially the city and seascape sets. oh they are so lovely. yellow owl also sports some gorgeous correspondence sets, and i am fondest of the bicycle version. it's so delicious. if one were to give me one of these beautiful stamp sets, it would be sweet of them to include an awesome pad of sturdy, but lovely paper, such as this.

as you know, i love to read. i especially love to read about design, and there is an awesome little collection put together by stefan sagmeister and daniel nettle that would bring a lot of joy to my little designer heart. it's called things i have learned in my life so far. and it is rad.

because i love books so much, physical, awesome, paper books, you might be surprised to know that i really, really, really want a kindle. i know. i never thought i would say it either. but i do. i promise to never stop reading or buying real books, but i'd like to supplement them with this. and it reads to you. HONEY!!! it reads to me, so you don't have to. please note, that i want THE latest version (with 3G), for best contrast, least eyestrain, and best voices.

and a quick breakdown of books i want. books are always, always a good thing:

made you look by stefan sagmeister.

make it bigger by paula scher.

the three incestuous sisters: an illustrated novel by audrey niffenegger.

room by emma donoghue.

lost at sea by bryan lee o'malley

the scott pilgrim comics by bryan lee o'malley

dante's divine comedy: a graphic adaptation by seymour chwast (yes! THE seymour chwast!)

black hole by charles burns.

asterios polyp by david massucchelli.

ghost world by daniel clowes.

the book of genesis illustrated by r. crumb.

fun home: a family tragicomic by alison bechdel.

the walking dead by robert kirkman +.

sandman: dream hunters by neil gaiman and illustrated by p. craig russell. also anything in the sandman comic series.

sparkle and spin: a book about words by ann and paul rand.

paul rand: conversations with students by michael kroeger.

i know a lot of things by ann and paul rand.

thoughts on design by paul rand.

bryson's dictionary for writers and editors by bill bryson. (REALLY, REALLY, REALLY WANT THIS!)

to name a few.

let it never be said that i am hard to shop for.

merry merry.

i am grateful for:

paper

tape

rodney

smiles

saddle stitch staplers

for the application portfolio

2010-05-01T12:02:00.001-07:00

one of our portfolio pieces for the application to the second year was the problem of designing a missing cat poster that is well-designed, creative, effective, and informative. it was more challenging than it might first sound, because incorporating creativity into what needs to be fairly mundane, while still communicating effectively can be tricky. i haven't printed a proof of this yet, but i'm hoping when i do it will not reveal that my choice of typeface equals poor legibility. this poster is 11 x 17. critiques welcome. encouraged, even. (FYI my cat is NOT really missing, but he is gorgeously photogenic, and will soon be famous, i'm sure.)

eat local!

2010-04-24T10:40:00.000-07:00

homework for my digital imaging class. critiques welcome. ignore the artifacting (that's the sort of blurry look around the text, etc.) i cannot figure out how to upload stuff without getting that. the colors are flat. (click on image to see full-sized).

the birthday list

2010-04-22T18:46:00.000-07:00

yes, it's that time again. i shall be 31 soon, and to celebrate, please feel free to buy me stuff.

it's been a long, hard year, but i'm feeling good, if tired. i'm rounding the bend and will be done with my first year of school soon. my eldest turned twelve, my middle turned nine, and the wee little man is now three years old. i have a few more wrinkles (which should always be referred to as SMILE LINES in my presence) and some additional grey hairs, but not many. i'm happy to have circled the sun for yet another year--i learned a lot, grew a lot, and stretched a lot...and now i'd like to relax. preferable with all this loot by my side.

the official list, in no particular order (except the insanely expensive, unrealistic ones are first):

1. a macbook pro. i love my imac so much that i want a portable version. plus, you know, i'll need one later anyways to present to clients, so...(i want the 15-inch with 500 GB of RAM).

2. a dishwasher. any dishwasher. but this rad one is my ideal.

3. scott mcCloud's understanding comics would be awesome and useful.

4. black francis has a new album out, which i want severely. as in, really, REALLY want. ahem.

5. i need, and want, some new shoes, and i'd like to buy them from footwise. so, you know, a gift certificate would be rad. i'd love enough to get some dressy shoes, but would also be happy with some simples.

6. fancy dinner. you know i love fancy dinner. this year i'd like to eat at the rabbit, or adam's sustainable table. yum.

7. a saddle stitch stapler. yeah, i want the fancy one i highlighted, but here are some cheaper ones, too.

8. anything to do with paper crafts. ginormous rolls of brown kraft paper, for instance. or a screen-printing kit. ah, how i love paper. also, i've been pleasure-reading about book binding and can't wait to try it out again (it's been a few years since i did it regularly.)

9. this should probably be near the top, due to the price and completely unnecessary nature of it, but damn how i want it! it's an instant camera that prints credit card sized photos...like polaroid's little brother! so awesome.

10. anything from etsy. a gift certificate to etsy. or, this specific "un-paper" towel dispenser and a set of towels from, you guessed it, etsy.

also, your undying love and devotion, best wishes, and all that type priceless stuff.

happy upcoming birthday to me!

i am grateful for:

1. persistance

2. rodney coming to his damn senses.

3. good food.

4. my muscles.

5. my instructors.

project three for my digital design tools class. click on the images to see them full-sized.

2010-03-23T13:42:00.000-07:00

i don't know how to do this anymore.

2010-02-21T11:55:00.000-08:00

i used to sit down at this screen regularly and everything would flow. i'd hit "publish post" and it'd be out in the world, good, bad, or ugly. i generally have good writing skills, so more often than not it was relatively good.

i don't know how to do this anymore.

when i sit here, nothing flows and i don't know what to say.

i have things i want to talk about, but not the time or energy to go into them in depth.

things i want to talk about:

design

art

paul rand

the fact that my husband came back home

making sweet potato pies for haiti, and how weird and liberal it feels to be doing that (drinking beer for haiti!) (there's a benefit event today at the axe and fiddle to raise money, prayers, love, etc. for the haiti relief cause--which is awesome, don't get me wrong, but also weird.)

and inspired by that:

how the hell DO you help faraway people in distress?

the global world we live in that allows us to even know about earthquakes in haiti. or anywhere else.

the use of fame to forward a cause

the use of art to forward a cause

also:

photography

digital design tools (read: the adobe creative suite)

the fact that my dad wrote a novel and my process of trying to design it

the fact that i lost 55 pounds and what that's like (i just this morning discovered buried jeans in my dresser. i haven't worn JEANS in years. they fit.)

what it's like to allow my husband to come back and how our lives are vastly different than the way they were, while still mind-blowingly familiar and strangely wonderful

and inspired by that:

how the hell do you navigate the re-marriage process--where to do it, who to witness, same date or new date, do you throw a party, etc.?

the fear of the prospect of re-marrying someone who betrayed the family and caused us all so much heartache and pain

the value of having gratitude for all of one's experiences, learning from them, and letting go of the attached pain and resentment because it doesn't serve you

and:

music

the meat purveyors, the decemberists' "hazards of love" album, buying digital files and the resulting loss of disc art and liner notes, the new mix tape

cooking and compromise

how junky can something convenient be before i won't feed it to my kids, the fact that i now eat "fast food" on a semi-regular basis and how weird and shameful that is, missing the slow food movement in my house

love

spring cleaning

sewing

creation

books and how i miss them

to name just a few.

so, now i have a list and maybe i'll consult it and the flow will return.

and a quick life update: rodney came home at the beginning of the year. we let him. it's going well. the garden has miraculously been started (peas and radishes). school is awesome and hard; i'm an A student with a GPA of 3.95; i recently got an A on the first official essay i've ever written (yes, ever!); i'm studying digital design (in-design, photoshop, illustrator), typography, the history of graphic design, and writing (composition and argument type stuff). i've returned to the gym, usually going with rodney, something we enjoy doing together. i'm sore. i still haven't painted the house, but i swear i'm going to this summer! i am in love with my life.

comments are welcome if anyone read one of those topics and wants it to be first.

i am grateful for:

my oven

butter

peace

my family

recovery

mechanical pencils

erasers

tracing paper

good teachers

love

beer

money

my muscles, organs, tendons, skin, and bones

poppy-triptych

2010-02-14T16:33:00.001-08:00

poppy-triptych
Originally uploaded by hedgenettle

homework=post this on flickr and a blog. done.

2010-02-05T10:43:00.000-08:00

an unimaginative ad for orbitz....the posting of which constitutes a portion of my digital design tools homework.

poem

2009-11-18T19:44:00.001-08:00

thinking about you, dear one 158/365 and 56/365
Originally uploaded by hedgenettle

i want you
to come here.
be with me
at home,
where it is light and good.
let me feed you
from my garden
and the music
of
i love you
will play.
we will lie
in bed
amongst the blue.
red passion will bloom
like jasmine
and
be
fine.

the text for the artist book i am designing for my last project in basic design/graphic design. we were given a series of exercises to complete that susan (our instructor) assured us would lead us to know how we wanted our books to be (it did).

i am sooooooo looking forward to this project!

i am grateful for:
words
colors
love
my bed
fire

ruined

2009-11-15T11:41:00.001-08:00

ruined 1 154/365
Originally uploaded by hedgenettle

sometimes i feel so ruined. like i've dedicated so much of my life to the wrong things. my body is all distorted, i started my career path too late, i'm old--not really old, as in literally old, but i'm suddenly thirty. for so long i've been 15-20 in my mind, it still surprises me to realize that i'm an adult. i have three kids! i've been parenting for a giant portion of my life, for my entire adult life. i spent so much of my life, nearly my whole life, dedicated to things other than my own self. to men and what they needed, or to school and what that meant i was supposed to do or be. i'm only just discovering who i am, what i want to do and to be. and so it's good that i'm so young--literally, this time. only thirty. i have years to do this life thing. i can take this time to explore who i am, what i want, what i do when there aren't a hundred things i have to do to make someone else's life go smoothly. i feel angry and bitter sometimes, that i willingly gave of myself--my time, my energy, my creativity--to what i thought was my family, to my partners, the men supposed to be living a life in concert with me. and they took what i offered and they didn't reciprocate. they didn't appreciate what i did for them, with them, in honor of them. they didn't deserve me. and i didn't deserve what they did. and i don't say this to blame or accuse. i took part in it, i willingly gave up myself. i did it because i suppose i thought it meant something, because i believed in the family, in the life in concert, in the partnership. it was my own mistake, i claim that responsibility. i have no idea how to move on from here. i have no idea how i will ever trust a man again, or myself to judge reasonably, or trust the idea of partnership, or the hope of a family...which is still a burning urge of mine, to have one of those family unit things, where there is a mom and a dad and some kids, and everyone works together to make a sum grander than all the parts. but one where everyone's dreams are approved of, worked toward. even the mommy. i have no idea if that's even reasonable. do people do that? it seems like they should, but i don't really know...and i don't know how to get it when i feel so totally ruined and used up. how a man could ever want me. how i could ever be vulnerable again. how i could even want what i want. let alone create it or find it or be it. i'm satisfied at the moment, just being myself. being the mom, the student, the artist, the photographer. claiming my space as my own. not worrying just yet about that other stuff. i have this--possibly wrong--notion that all will be revealed when i'm ready, and that all i have to do right now is take care of the present moment, the kids, the studies, the arts, the self. and when i'm ready, and when it's time, something will happen which will be better than whatever i could imagine, or try to hope for, and that when it happens i will see it for what it is and will know what to do.
we shall see.

i am grateful for:
light
movement
sturdiness
cheese
those moments when another person sees you for who you are and detects exactly what you need and serves it to you just so.

the art, the beast, and the universe

2009-11-06T10:34:00.000-08:00

wow. it's been months since i've written a thing. mainly because i have absolutely no time for anything...

school is going amazingly well, though i must say that it's impossible. it's impossible to have three kids, no husband, no co-housers or other live-in help...and go to school full time. but i usually end up doing impossible things, so here i go doing it anyways. i have hours upon hours of homework every week. mostly it's art homework, which is unfathomably arduous--i had no idea the effort and discipline involved in living a life of art. it was a hobby before, something i did for fun when the kids were out of my hair. now it's a daily practice. an hours a day daily practice. i love the immersion in imagery, shapes, design, value, edge, color. i love the hours spent covered in charcoal, or newspaper clippings, or graphite, or gouache. i wish it wasn't such a balancing act between mothering and schooling and arting and living and surviving. but it is what it is and we are all coping the best we can. and mostly loving it. sometimes it gets really overwhelming and everything ratchets up intensely and i feel like my mind will blow apart. or my heart. but then it calms again, and i get a breath, a day at the park with the kids, a moment to read something pleasurable...and then it cranks up again. my life is proof that we live in an expanding AND contracting universe.

i still grieve over the loss of my marriage. which is really the end to the hoping that it would be what it was supposed to be and never, ever was. i have to see my ex-husband regularly, to exchange the kids and the child-support checks, or in the halls at school. and that's hard. it would be easier if he didn't keep existing, if i didn't have to watch him live his shiny new life, with his shiny new girl and house. it's hard not to wonder what's wrong with me, why wasn't i good enough, why is this other girl better. most of the time i realize it's him, not me, and i think even he would agree with that. but there are those dark and painful moments when the beast of my losses looms up in my face and growls and scratches and i just want it to end. i just want my dream back. i want someone else to be a part of my routine...to rub my feet while we watch lost after eating the glorious dinner i made for everyone, because i was a stay-at-home mom able to devote all of my energy to nourishing the lives of those i love most and hold dear.

but those moments are not too common anymore, and i am happier, even in those moments, than i was when i was still living in the illusion of marriage, which was a nightmare of loneliness and unworthiness and twisted hope. i have my kids, my friends, my family, my learning experience, my art, my astonishing ability to survive and thrive despite the shit that seems to try to get in my way. and i have myself back, which is something i lost deep in the bowels of that nightmare...and it is lovely to be in possession of my spirit again, to hold myself gently in my own hands to nurture and pet and watch and be.

i am grateful for:

dad, for so many reasons, but especially his continued love and support and for fronting me the money to buy my new imac, which has already vastly improved and streamlined my school/homework experience.

daisy, our foster dog, who shows unconditional love and loyalty, and who it will be sad to see go.

matt, loki, and ronan, who are constantly helping in a million little ways that make my life vastly more comfortable and tasty.

short stories.

lesley, who watches jubal for me and does a wonderful job--making it possible for me to go to school and work and learn, rather than fret and be sick.

divorced

2009-08-19T13:39:00.001-07:00

we tried. we still love each other. no more battles.
Originally uploaded by hedgenettle

it's official. and bizarrely anti-climactic. you just sign some papers and show up in ex-parte, wait in line, the judge glances at the papers and signs and then says you're divorced "as of now"...strange. it wasn't enough hoopla for us, or for me, anyways, so we went to breakfast at brails, which was pretty good.

i think we'll always be quite dear friends and that's plenty for me. i will always love him, and i am deeply grateful to not be married to him anymore.

i feel: sad, sorry, relieved, bittersweet, heartachey, mellow, done...

i am grateful for:

self-help court proceedings
the friendship we've managed to maintain
coffee
love in all forms
peace

i am transformed

2009-08-18T23:01:00.001-07:00

worm progress
Originally uploaded by hedgenettle

i finally got my first tattoo. it's been about a month now since i got it and i'm still pleased, still glad i did it, still satisfied...and know that i want more.

i've wanted an earthworm tattoo for a couple of years now as a way to cover up a teen-angst related forearm scar, but never got around to getting it. once rodney left it seemed like a great time to finally commit to the ink.

the earthworm is meaningful to me because it embodies transformation--the activity of transforming something, not just being transformed (for which i might have chosen a mid-transition frog or the classic butterfly)--but actually doing it--taking shit (garbage, food scraps, whatever) and turning it into a rich and precious resource. the kind of transformative energy that has been a huge part of my life lately...it seems i always have some kind of word, phrase, or idea that is the flavor of my life for a period of time. a few years ago it was bittersweet, now it's transformation...turning shit to gold is still a bittersweet concept--there's the shit to contend with, after all--but i like the activity of it, the personal responsibility, the movement. i'm not just commentating on the bittersweet nature of my existence. i'm changing it.

i'm doing it.

i'm grateful for:

words
jimmy, the awesome tattoo artist (check the flickr link for more tattoo shots, including one of jimmy)
jamyson, my new beau, with whom i'm happily enjoying the "romance stage"
myself, for getting--i think--an 'A' in cs 120, despite the misery it caused
my children, for being

my life philosophy paper for my life transitions class

2009-08-17T16:27:00.000-07:00

I am a strong and capable person. I admire creativity and kindness in myself and others. I love to explore life using all of my senses, noticing and questioning my perceptions. I am a mother, a friend, a lover, a daughter, and a woman. I am becoming a patient mother, an observant friend, a reciprocal partner, a self-sustaining woman and parent, and an understanding daughter. I am whole and I am growing.

I believe in the intrinsic goodness of all beings. I believe that everyone does the best they can with what they have. I believe that it is valuable to take nothing personally and to take responsibility for my decisions, choices, and actions. I believe that freedom is a higher good than safety. And I believe that is imperative to do the right thing. I value truth, honesty, respect, loyalty, and kindness. I choose to let truth be the guiding force of my life—above all else, I require honesty of myself and others. I choose to treat everyone with the same respect I believe that I deserve. I believe that kindness and understanding are the best first reactions to 95 percent of all situations. I value family, personal relationships, and integrity above material goods and passing trends. I believe that it is usually the right thing to choose that which is best for the greater good over that which is best for one person. I believe that I have a right to happiness.

I am motivated by a desire to live in a world that is sustainable, physically and socially; by love for life; by passion; and by a drive to create a thriving world for my children to explore and fall in love with. I am inspired by justice, creativity, dirt, people, beauty, truth, the natural world, discussions, ideas, art, music, the written word, the innocence of children, the wryness of adults, and the force of life moving through all beings.

I take responsibility for my life. I do this by owning my decisions, being truthful with myself and others, examining my mistakes for areas of improvement, seeking help when I don’t know how to do something so that I can learn to do it correctly, accepting the consequences of my decisions, sharing information I have with others, cleaning up after myself in the world, using resources wisely, behaving in a manner I can respect, asking for what I need, admitting when I’ve done something wrong or made a mistake, and owning the ground I walk on.

I have a purpose in this life. I am raising three children to know what healthy love is, to know how to learn, to take responsibility for their lives, to know their own beauty, to pursue their own happiness, to respect others, to respect themselves, to require respect from others, to respect the earth and the force of life. I set an example for my children and others of strength, patience, kindness, silliness, love, fun, self-acceptance, personal responsibility, joy for life, passion, kindness, and growth. May my example inspire my children and others to live lives of truth and joy.

I want to live in a world that is just. I want to live in a world that is fair. I want to live in a world where passion matters, kindness rules, a sense of humor is regarded more highly than a perfectly arched eyebrow, and where all life is treated with respect and honor. I want to live in a world that is healthy, on a planet that is treated with respect, in a community that believes in equality, and in a home that celebrates all that life has to offer us. I want to live in a world that is growing, changing, moving, playing, thriving, and full of love.

I will leave the world a better place. I will spread my influence in several ways—By raising beautiful children into responsible adults. By infiltrating mass media culture with my subtle art and design. By voting with my dollars about what matters to me (fair trade, organic, sustainable). By living a life that is in concert with my values and dreams. By teaching those around me to create the lives they want for themselves—and by showing them it is possible. I will leave the world a better place by being a good mother, daughter, friend, lover, and woman.

sometimes love is conditional

2009-08-03T23:42:00.000-07:00

in a moment of physical and mental exhaustion, i let something private slip to the wrong person. i won't go into detail here--as i mentioned, it's something private...but it's something i've always known and have never shared, but have recently been briefly exploring in my super-helpful and blessing-laden counseling sessions. when someone who has always been my friend, supporter, and champion asked me about it, i went ahead and said. it's hard, and it's a burden, and i was vulnerable and had my guard down. it's not information i've ever intended to DO ANYTHING with, or even to share, really, except for to deal with my own personal consequences, process some *stuff*, and finally move on from.

my moment of rawness felt like a small pebble, but was more like a meteor. it has crashed into my world, and the world of some of those who love me most, or who i thought loved me most, or both. both. my relationship with my confidant is altered. it's strange and awkward and guarded. another family member has disowned me. who knew people still did that? no conversation. no this is my version, this is your version, how do we cope with this...just "i'm never going to see or talk to you again."

with the flip of a switch, i'm altered forever in their minds. i'm accused. i'm unkind. i'm a liar. i'm an accuser. i'm not worth knowing.

how quickly you can go from being loved and supported to being evil and wrong and worthless. how tenuous our connections can be, even when they seem strong and thick, woven of love and sinew. how much of what we think is just based on perceptions that can be so wrong. how much family is an idea in my mind and not necessarily supported by fact. how many different ideas of truth.

it makes me think of all my connections...what does it take? what can i do that will forever mar me in someone's eyes and heart? who will REALLY love me forever? where am i ACTUALLY safe?

it feels like tiredness. it feels like muscles being torn. it feels like disappointment. it feels like i should never, ever trust anyone. it feels like i was right to be afraid of everything. it feels like anger. it feels like injustice. it feels surreal.

i am grateful for:
bread
juice
rocks
tomatoes
rodney, who was the only one i could call (besides dad) and who readily said it was f*cked up and i didn't deserve it.

put one foot in front of the other and go

2009-07-05T13:12:00.000-07:00

...and then keep going. some of my days are hard all day, some of them will be. some of them are barely detectable as hard, so far those days are few and far between, but i'm pretty sure there have been some.

this is just a little update, a little what's going on...

school is going well, i honestly enjoy it, and the homework load is not unbearable. i was ambivalent about the women in transitions program, because i was afraid it would just be a bunch of f*ck-ups having some horrible group therapy session...when i was imagining that i forgot that we're all there because we're ready for change, we're ready to actually DEAL with our transitions. so, it's actually a very positive environment, with a lot of support and a lot of tools and a sort of resource hub. we're all there because our lives weren't working, for various reasons, AND we're ready to create lives for ourselves that will work...we don't just want to survive, we want to thrive, and it's a great place to see that you can. when R. first left someone told me i should move in with my dad, take care of the kids during the day, and get a job--any job--at night...of course i wasn't even invited to move in with dad, nor did i want to, and it just didn't make sense to me to create a LIFE of struggle, by getting any menial job i could (in this economy?!) and just continuing to do that for the next 16 years, or even the next 4 years, until jubal could go to school...when i could go back to school now, get skills in a field that is actually thriving right now, and which i honestly love and show aptitude for. i think it might have been the worst advice i was ever offered--fortunately, i rarely listen to advice. everything is going so smoothly in the school arena of my life that there is absolutely no room for doubt in my mind: i made the right choice.

the kids are doing quite well. that's not to say it isn't hard and painful for them, it is, and i try to remind them through words and action every single day that they did not deserve this, they did nothing to invoke it, and that I WILL NEVER LEAVE THEM. it is their pain and discomfort which feeds my small fire of hatred toward R. i try not to foster it, and i try not to feed it on purpose, and i try to remember that he didn't do it on purpose (by which i mean getting into a family when he really didn't want to, or only thought he wanted to, or whatever)...but that fact that he doesn't want to, and won't, participate 50% in their lives, in their care, etc...well, he IS doing that on purpose, and it's just plain wrong. so the small fire burns.

the homestead is thriving. mom comes every week to tend the kids and does mindblowing amounts of house- and yard work. the lawn gets mowed and weed-eaten, the garden gets watered, the floors are always clean, the dishes done, the laundry folded. it really is insane, i'd be lost in a sea of laundry, dust bunnies and weeds if it wasn't for her. when she's not here, everything falls apart until sunday, when i put it back together again. dad came over today to look at my deck, which needs replacing, or at least repairing, and it feels good to think about that being fixed and safe again. i fantasize about grilling out there and eating pleasant summer dinners, with my north garden for a view.

the only thing not thriving yet is my social life, which is just going to take time. it takes time to make friends. i remind myself of this constantly, because i am so lonely and moorless...i'm eager for activities that are about ME, not just megan the mom of three, but megan the woman, the artist, the funny, vivacious, sweet lady...i'm feeling impatient, but i realize it will happen. everything happens eventually.

i am grateful for:

my dad and beckie
my mom
loki and matt and ronan
my capability
my flickr buddies, who fill in the gaps of lonliness a little bit

too exhausted to think up titles for things

2009-06-25T18:44:00.001-07:00

i did it! i survived my first week of school! i'm utterly exhausted, as is my mother, i'm sure.

it was hard. i'm not used to it yet. the concept of homework sort of baffles me ( i try to do it all at school, so as to make it seem less horrible)...i'm not used to spending time on things i don't want to do and don't really care about. or, i suppose i should say, don't interest me, because of course i care about doing well in school, and that is my prime motivating force. it doesn't matter if i don't give a rip about CS 120, it just matters that CS 120 is a step on my path to a graphic arts degree.

none of my classes are horrible, and actually, i enjoy them to some extent. probably not as much as i will enjoy taking art classes, but my teachers are awesome and funny, and that makes anything bearable. i've figured out where the computer lab is, and how to use it. i had my P.E. orientation this morning and am excited to get back into a gym again, having really missed my membership to ironworks. i've almost got the campus figured out, or at least the parts i need to use. i'm well on my way to being comfortable. i've even managed to say hello to people i recognize from class, as well as strike up simple conversations with strangers waiting in line, or sitting outside on break. i'm a functioning adult!

i haven't quite figured out how to balance everything yet, but i know that i will...i'm so tired after this long and stressful week, i am actually fantasizing about crawling in to bed as i type this. it's gonna be so good. and, i don't have to get up insanely early tomorrow! and i don't have to drive anywhere! i'm going to hang with the kids, plant the rest of my starts, soak in the stock tank, and use my brain as little as possible.

i am grateful for:

the success of the mortgage relief party (it was so helpful!)
the donation from sweetwater farm of a CSA box for the next month and a half (we got our first yummy bag today and it was lovely)
everyone who contributed what they could to help us through this fallow-money time (thank you so much, everyone!)
that my homework is not insurmountable
that my card to an old high school friend made it to its destination and was well received.
friends.

one good thing about being single

2009-06-19T12:25:00.000-07:00

falling in love with yourself again.

it's the best thing in the world. especially if someone has been repugnant to you and rejected you and the things that you loved or wanted to share with them. it feels good to remember who you are, without trying to bend and twist to fit someone else.

things i love, and that i love loving:

music with great lyrics
playing games like boggle and scrabble
doing art
sewing my own pants
being really silly in the grocery store
a great book
a great word
colors
a thriving garden
eyeshadow
fruit--the look, the taste, the smell, the shape
walking
riding my bike
making stuff
paper
making envelopes
writing letters
writing everything
feeling my body work
clean sheets
clotheslines
rabbits
new underwear
printmaking
learning new information
making connections
having insights
freedom
sea salt
the ocean
awesome looking cars
photographs

just to name a few.

i am grateful for:

my wonderful counselor
the way things are fitting into place and smoothly working (even on the hard days)
fresh food
the generosity of my community
my self

the crushing weight of single parenthood

2009-06-16T16:38:00.000-07:00

it's been a rough few days. i love my kids. i'm glad i have my kids. but i so need a break from my kids. and when i do get a break...it's awesome, but i just need another one.

jubal had such a day today. he was discontent. he didn't want to do anything. or he wanted to do everything, but when he did anything it wasn't the right thing. he was fussy. he kept asking about daddy. he kept wanting to nurse. he threw a bowl and it broke everywhere. i had to do stuff online for school (to do with accepting my loans) and he pitched fit after fit. the girls got into some weird dispute and i blew up about it and the baby cried. then the girls left to play with ronan, and it was just jubal and i with nothing being right. eventually he took a nap and i did my thing where i do about twenty different things at once for a couple of minutes at a time...dishes, laundry, check e-mail, more dishes, tidy up the floor, check flickr updates, etc...and he woke up too soon and wanted to nurse and be pacified while dozing, so i couldn't leave the bedroom and felt like i was wasting time. i don't want to feel like comforting jubal is a waste of time. there is so much to do all of the time, and anytime i'm doing something fun or something relaxing, i can't help but realize all the *stuff* i'm not getting done.

i had some bitter moments toward R. where i verbally macerated him in my head. how could he do this to me? how could he do this to jubal? how could he do this to vesta? how could he do this to hazel? how could he be so thoughtless? how could he be so short-sighted? how the hell do you promise to be with someone forever and then just give up? how do you choose to ignore all of your personal problems and let your life disintegrate? and then how do you just drop your family like it's nothing? what did i do to deserve this? why wasn't i lovable? why wasn't i enough?

and i had some lonely moments where i burned to be amused by a witty man, and kissed, and held. where i longed to be interesting and delightful to someone lovely and kind. where my chest ached with the pain of loneliness. where i felt totally overwhelmed by the singleness of my life. it's just me. it's just me here doing it all. not kissed. not cuddled. not loved. not adored. not amused. not supported by a lover. just me.

i admit it is hard to compose a list of gratitudes today, and usually they just roll off...
1) matt and loki for helping so much and being so generous.
2) dad for letting me talk for an hour several nights a week, seemingly without point.
3) mom, for coming down to be with the kids while i'm in school (and please, god, make that work).
4) the random kindness of strangers and acquaintances.
5) the faith that this feeling will pass.

tic-talk

2009-06-14T14:09:00.001-07:00

my tic has persisted ALL DAY. by which i mean, actually all day long without letup. variances in intensity? yes. reprieve? no. it causes my insides to feel as if they are in constant motion. which causes motion sickness. i wonder if other people with tics have this nauseated side effect? i'd love to hear if they do. we are about to leave to drive to town, as the kids are having a sleepover at rodney's apartment. i am going out with my old high school best friend, erin (thanks facebook!). i guess it's fine if i just keep ticking away, but it would be neat to go out without causing a scene. oh well. at least i'm getting out. i haven't been this social since high school! when i get home i am sewing a special dress for loki, which i hope i remember to take a picture of, since it will be my first dress ever, not counting halloween costumes. blast this interfering tic. here's to hoping it doesn't screw up my driving. or my sewing.

i am grateful for:
the fact that it really is just a tic
my car
jubal
my new tarkio cd (thanks, aunt kim, i used my birthday money to get it and i love it!)
my impending alone time

argh

2009-06-14T09:48:00.000-07:00

a vent:

my tic is acting up...there is shaking and lurching involved, as well as nausea and actual ticking (the jerky movements). it is interfering with my photography, my ability to eat, my ability to wash the dishes, my ability to carry the baby, and my ability to feel well. i have to drive into town later and am feeling nervous about that, because it is really bad.

the baby, sensing that i have been feeling like crap for a couple of days, is really up my bum about everything. it's hard to keep him happy or into anything, and it's hard to play with him because of all the shaking and lurching and ticking. and because i feel like crap and have for two days and want to be alone but can't. he is whining a lot, throwing things, fussing, kicking, and not being satisfied with anything. his loudness and dissatisfaction feeds the ticking, causing it to be even worse. vicious cycle ensues.

two of our pets have died in the last week. the guinea pig and bunny that lived outside. the guinea pig i imagine was just that old, the bunny may have died of loneliness from losing her friend. but the dog, who has turned stubborn and mean and aggressive, refuses to die or run away or behave. greenhill won't take him because of his weird new aggressive behavior and his mysterious allergy that results in a randomly occurring horrid skin condition that is ugly and expensive. i have a couple more places to call, and then i don't know what to do. he tried to bite both vesta and me a few days ago and i have just reached my limit with him. everything i have to deal with PLUS an unreliable, expensive, potentially dangerous dog (who also started marking territory in the house! hello, outside living!)--no, i cannot do it. suggestions for dealing with this dog are welcome via comments or e-mails or phone calls.

that's it. that's my vent. i try not to do it too much, but sometimes it helps shift things around.

i am grateful for:
vesta
hazel
my house
my financial aid award
my bed

self reflection

2009-06-13T09:28:00.001-07:00

look me in the eye and say it like you mean it
Originally uploaded by hedgenettle

i am wondering this:
why, if i'm happier and healthier now than i've been in almost 2 years, does it still have to hurt? what is the point of the discomfort?

in my therapy session on friday i gained insight into why i have allowed myself to be in situations that i know are not right for me, and which are not healthy or satisfying. this is insight i'm profoundly grateful for and will use in all of my future decisions...last week i was at brian and t's house for a blue mountain meeting and afterward a small group of us were jawing about relationships and being left and etc...and joel said something about how we sometimes compromise ourselves in relationships and that rang so true for me. i saw myself compromising my own values, my own person, my own soul because i was afraid--i guess afraid of not being loved--and it's so interesting to me because i saw myself doing it at the time, but i kept doing it anyways. it just seems so strange. why would i do that? and why is the need to feel loved (even when it's obvious that what is happening really isn't LOVE) such a powerful force for me? i already know why (some of those gory details i mentioned last post) but i guess it's a matter of processing it so i can know it in my logical brain and use the information and insight, rather than feeling it at some core level that just causes me to react without thinking it through.

ah, self reflection.

i am grateful for:
trust
truth
hope
fineness
love

it must be something in the air

2009-06-12T22:26:00.000-07:00

here's a link i saw on neil gaiman's twitter stream (yes, i use twitter. and yes, i pretty much only use it to see what neil gaiman and colin meloy say. and yes, i admit that i have silly crushes on talented men.)

http://yuki-onna.livejournal.com/487082.html

someone else in need, a writer on the verge of penilessness...i just think it's interesting that so many of us are struggling so much right now. and i think it's cool that we are coming up with creative ways of surviving. it's not a writer i'm familiar with, but i thought i'd pass it along. just in case any of you were, or wanted to check out the link, or send some money in exchange for her stories.

i was thinking the other day of starting a new blog which is like a craft lottery...send a dollar you get a chance to win THIS AWESOME TOTE BAG! kind of thing. hopefully i won't have to go there. i've looked at my budget repeatedly, and i think that after the next rough couple of months, that we're actually going to be fine (assuming nothing big breaks). frugally fine, but fine.

i am grateful for:
1) my counseling session (i'm trying to figure out a way to explain the process without traumatizing you with the gory details, because just in one session i have learned so much and had my perceptions shift so amazingly. i want to share about it so that any of you that could benefit from it will know about it. but i want to do it in a way that i don't have to tell you all the horrid crap of my life. so, i'll keep thinking about that).

2) the internet.

3) the people who sent a little something. you know who you are. thank you.

4) jubal. i am truly blessed to mother that child.

5) time passing

6) (a bonus gratitude!) i re-discovered my old high school best friend on facebook and we have really hit it off all over again, in this amazingly synchronistic way that is clearly going to be so good for us both. it's wonderfully exciting and i am so genuinely pleased.

diy: laundry soap

2009-06-11T10:51:00.001-07:00

glop
Originally uploaded by hedgenettle

okay, here is the long awaited recipe for my world-famous homemade laundry soap. it works as well as any environmentally friendly laundry soap, probably not as well as something like Tide, but i wouldn't know really because i don't use Tide or other detergents. i got the frame of reference for my recipe from tipnut .com (http://tipnut.com/10-homemade-laundry-soap-detergent-recipes/) but originally i couldn't find the super washing soda, so i tried the just baking soda recipe...then when i found the washing soda, i made my next batch from memory--an ephemeral thing--eventually i discovered that i had remembered it wrong, but my soap works, and now i can claim it as my own recipe. so, go inaccurate memory!

there are photos of the different ingredients and what the stages look like here: http://www.flickr.com/photos/hedgenettle/sets/72157619580250226/ sorry, but it's too much of a pain in the butt to re-upload them all here, just go to the link if you want to see them.

you will need:

a big bucket (i usually use one of those cat litter buckets, which i would guess is around 2 1/2 gallons)

something to stir with (i use my big hefty soap making spatula, but a wooden spoon would be fine)

a double boiler of some kind (a pot or bowl over another pot of boiling water) make sure whatever you're using to melt the soap in is non-reactive (glass/stainless steel/enamel)

a bar of soap (this should be real soap, not moisturizing bars or anything that is super-fatted (super-fatted means they add extra oil to it to make it more moisturizing) i use plain bulk glycerin soap, but you could use something like ivory or whatever, as long as it's actually soap)

baking soda--1 cup

washing soda--1 cup (this is usually found in the laundry aisle by the borax and whatnot, but it can be hard to find. i got mine at winco in springfield. i *think* it's the same as soda ash, like you would use for dying fabric, so you could probably find it at art and craft stores. you can also order it online.)

2 gallons of water

essential oil (optional, but recommended)

the steps:
1) get your 2 gallons of water in the bucket.
2) prepare your soap: if it's glycerin you can just chop it up. if it's other soap you have to grate it.
3) put a little of the water into your double boiler and add the soap.
4) double boil it to melt the soap (i don't know how long it takes with non-glycerin, but my version is really quick)
5) while your soap is melting, measure your baking soda and washing soda and add them to the bucket of water. stir.
6) now your soap should be melted. add it to the bucket.
7) stir some more.
8) leave it alone.
9) go back and stir it throughout the duration of it's cool-down...like, several times over the day or something. if you don't want to stir it all the time, you should have an immersion blender. if you have an immersion blender: leave it alone and go back to it later that night or the next day and immersion blend the crap out of it, so it's not too chunky.
10) bottle it up (wine bottles make for a classy presentation, but vinegar bottles, milk jugs, old detergent bottles, etc. all work fine. if you are using an opaque container--i know this seems obvious, but keep it in mind when you are actually pouring!!!--keep checking the level as you pour, or it makes a big overflowed mess)...i find it handy to pour my soap into a funnel placed in my container of choice...and if there are a few chunks that didn't get stirred or blended away, you can poke them through with a chopstick.

and a few notes:

use 1/2 cup for an average full load. for a super dirty load, or diapers, use 1 cup.

it doesn't look like store-bought detergent. it looks like a big, thick, lumpy glop. it's not smooth and clear and liquidy.

if you put the melted soap water into the bucket with the sodas before you add the rest of the 2 gallons of water, sometimes it fizzes all funlike...so if you want that, add the water after the soap.

there was some discussion on the tipnut forum about the likelihood of mold growing in the laundry soap. i go through mine so fast, that i doubt it's even an issue, but i've taken to adding essential oil to the soap after it's all cooled (1/2 a teaspoon) which should prevent the growth of mold and will leave your clothes smelling nice, if you line dry. if you machine dry, the e.o. evaporates. if you are REALLY worried about it, but still want to make your own laundry soap, check out the tipnut links for powdered soap recipes.

i think that's it. please comment or e mail or call me if you have questions or i left out any glaringly obvious details. this is REALLY easy and FAST and it will save you A LOT of money, especially if you are buying the environmentally friendly kind. which reminds me, i was never able to find good information on the sustainability/environmental impact of baking soda and washing soda...but they are mined or created in a lab, so, yeah, not ideal. but probably more ideal than buying and using petroleum based detergents, especially since you'd be getting a new bottle every time, and that bottle was shipped from somewhere far away, etc. and the "environmentally friendly" ones probably have pretty similar ingredients as mine. so, unless you're growing your own soapnuts and washing in your rain barrel, and filtering it through some gravel and then using the greywater to water your soapnut plants...it's probably the best convenient laundry soap option out there.

enjoy.

laundry soap teaser

2009-06-10T22:19:00.001-07:00

melt the soap bits in a double boiler with some of your water
Originally uploaded by hedgenettle

i know i said i would post the recipe today, but guess what? i was really busy having an awesome day without time to blog! so, i will post it tomorrow. in the meantime if you are just dying to get started, you can look at my flickr page and see all the photos and read their blurbs and get inspired.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/hedgenettle/sets/72157619580250226/

i am grateful for:
1) my art department adviser (he cleared me for advance registration! woot!)
2) the time rodney spends with the kids
3) my car
4) my dad's gas card
5) food

this stuff has got to come from somewhere...yet another plea

2009-06-09T12:04:00.001-07:00

meeting to discuss the divorce papers
Originally uploaded by hedgenettle

here's our status and what still needs to arrive...

the kids are doing phenomenally well. i can't stress this enough. it's hard and they're sad, we're sad...our world has vastly shifted. we're earthquaked, tsunamied, tornadoed, war-torn. we're all raw and lonely and there are moments of sadness and distress every day. but all the other moments are good ones...we're gardening together, playing together, doing chores together, reading our books, playing games, vegging out watching a show on t.v. together...R. and i were able to lay out a visit schedule for the next term of school (we're unfortunately going to have to do this every term), so now it is known when they will see him and for how long, and that is a relief for all of us. their first over-night is tonight and i am really hoping jubal is okay with it, as he won't be nursing before bed or first thing in the morning...all i can do is hope that being with daddy is better than nursing mommy. it seems like it will be.

i got my first child support check at the first of the month and soon after a lot of my bills rolled in. they are paid and nothing is outstanding at this moment, but the electric bill hasn't come (and with it the request for my $155 deposit!!! eek) and i have no idea when it will. i have about $50 in my bank account and another $20 in my wallet. that's it. for the whole rest of the month.

so here's my plea, again:
if you know and love us, send a check. if you can spare a hundred, or fifty, or twenty, or hell, even five...send it. if you normally send a christmas check, send it now instead. the relief of knowing i have enough to cover the bills that still need to roll in will be the best gift ever. my financial aid kicks in mid-july, assuming all goes correctly. so now is the time, now is the zone for which i need a buffer. i wouldn't ask if we didn't need it.

i know people feel weird about giving people money. trust me, i feel weird about asking for it. but there is no getting around the fact that i need it. i just do. so i'm asking. if you feel really weird about it, BUY SOMETHING from me. there are a few things in the etsy shop, i have a box of various citrus-smelling glycerin soaps, i have three veggie applique tote bags that aren't up on etsy yet, i could even make a custom bag/zip pouch/whatever if what you want matches something in my fabric stash (which is ample). tell me what you want and i'll do my best to make it. or front me for future design work. or WHATEVER. people have given us bags of clothes and bags of groceries, which is awesome. but i need cash. it's only a small window. i'll spend it well. it'll go to a good place. it's for the kids, the house, our life. it'll come back to you some day just how you need it to.

and on that topic: loki is throwing us a mortgage relief party. i'll post the invites later, but the date is 20 june and it starts at 5:00, so save the date, as it were. and if you can't come, and can't send a check...pray the party is a huge success.

on a more pleasant note--i made a new batch of laundry soap today and will post the recipe and pictures tonight or tomorrow. finally!

divorce paper lunch

2009-06-06T16:47:00.001-07:00

10/365
Originally uploaded by hedgenettle

sad, sad, sad.

feeling too human, too aware, too alone, too empty, too dismayed.

shifting stuff in your brain

2009-06-05T13:00:00.001-07:00

me feeling lighter already after meeting my counselor
Originally uploaded by hedgenettle

i met with my very own counselor for the first time this morning. we talked about my situation, of course, and what i want to get out of counseling...and he told me about some interesting work he's been doing with "re-bonding" parent/child couples (in this case where the child is still a child and the lack of proper bond is causing health problems)...and that he's trying to figure out how to do the same with adult children...who maybe aren't going to go through the process with their parents, but could still benefit from letting go of the memories that were hard or horrible or whatever, that are still stored in the primitive brain (the medulla oblongata, i believe) and so are still charged with all this emotional *stuff*...and, i inferred, affecting our decision-making processes (and health)...anyone who knows me knows i had a really messed up childhood, despite how awesome my dad is...so there's a lot of stuff. and i know exactly what it did to me (made me starved for love and loving attention). so, i won't go into all the complexities of the therapy just yet, but the point of it is to shift those emotionally charged memories from the primal brain to the cerebrum, where we can still have the memories, but they aren't loaded with all that useless emotional charge. the ultimate goal being that i could become more like someone who had a good, healthy childhood and make decisions based on that, rather than from that place of being so hungry to be loved and perceived as worthy...i tend to ignore a few key red flags when making decisions from that place.
of course i went to the session with some of that in mind...knowing what my issues are, but having no idea how to deal with them or that he would recommend this specific, interesting, seemingly quite effective method of therapy (having found therapists/counselors mostly useless before)...and he basically said...this process (of moving the memories, and thereby discharging all that emotional energy) will not only help me feel and be happier and healthier, but also more attractive to THE KIND OF MEN I ACTUALLY WANT TO BE ATTRACTED TO ME! because, of course, healthy people want to be with healthy people, not sick or hurt people who make messed up choices. yeah, that's what i want. the thought is exciting.

so i feel good.

i am grateful for:
my counselor
my garden
my son
my girls
my mom

the frieda k. of babies

2009-06-04T20:44:00.001-07:00

the frieda k. of babies
Originally uploaded by hedgenettle

i just wanted to show off this picture. is he perfect, or what?!

it's obvious what i'm grateful for

finally figured out my school schedule

2009-06-04T14:33:00.001-07:00

finally figured out my school schedule
Originally uploaded by hedgenettle

i finally figured it out and i cannot possibly describe how totally hard and frustrating it was. it was horrible, stressful, rude, uncomfortable, awful, sickening, and terrible. you can feel free to infer other synonyms, as well.

i am publicly declaring my undying love and gratitude to the man i spoke to in the financial aid department who guided me to the one credit, non-scheduled (you go on your own time and keep track of how often you go) physical fitness class. all i needed was a credit, and one that wouldn't mess up the rest of my schedule. it wasn't his job or his department, but he helped me and i am always going to be thankful for that. i really wanted to just flail my head against some rocks for a while.

this situation is totally unjust and i never, ever would have predicted it. and the really messed up thing is, i know R. probably gives himself props for how generous with his time and money he's being. when he started going to school, he frequently said how impossible it would be to have a job on top if it...but he has no problem saddling me with the prospect of full time school, a job to make ends meet, and raising three kids...i joked back then about finally understanding the point of alimony, because i had to do EVERYTHING else on the homefront, and it finally made sense. of course, he won't give me alimony, or even temporary spousal support. because he sucks that much. and i can't make him because i can't afford a lawyer, and i don't want to drag this thing out anyways, or make a lot of bitter feelings. so i just have to suck it up.

i am grateful for that man in the financial aid department, to the fifth degree. thank you, kind man.

what i'm open to receiving...

2009-06-02T07:32:00.001-07:00

skinny leggs lookin' carrot
Originally uploaded by hedgenettle

here's a picture of a funny carrot i found while prepping dinner last night...

and here's a list of what i'm drawing to my life:

a job i can do from home that pays decent and isn't going to completely wipe me out (monthly goal: $500)

a sponsor/private donor/private lender with good terms

regular massages

people to host the kids for hours-long blocks on a regular basis, who think it's fun and love doing it and don't want to be paid

if you think of a creative solution to any of these objectives (or want to volunteer on the last one) let me know.

i'm grateful for:
my camera
my children
my family and friends
my skin
the change in weather

basically, it never ends...another bad morning

2009-06-02T07:23:00.001-07:00

basically, it never ends...another bad morning
Originally uploaded by hedgenettle

more waking up to feeling totally sick...it just isn't reasonable that i should have to do all this alone. we made this family together. we made jubal together...now R. just wants to see the kids once or twice a week and pay $400 a month for their care? and i'm left to do all the parenting, and pay all the bills, and i'm supposed to be physically here for the kids and stay calm and nice and loving and fun? my life feels all ripped to shreds.

how can there not be any relief from this? how can a person be expected to handle all of this? how can there be no fecking justice in the world? where the hell is the man i married and who is this new guy?

i just feel so completely sick, in every way possible.

what it's hard not to fixate on

2009-05-31T07:44:00.000-07:00

r. is messed up. he's been messed up this whole time. he was messed up long before i met him. he will likely be messed up long after i move on with my life.

it's so clear to me now, just how much of our problems were directly caused by his being messed up. his energy made the whole house heavy, and it kept him from being a good father and a good husband. it wasn't anything i did and it wasn't anything the kids did. he's just messed up.

he's always had new life-itis...if this or that happens, then this problem will be resolved. of course i never realized that he would take it to this extreme. he really WANTED a family. he said i was a good wife. i was. i assumed that under the canopy of a loving family, next to his supportive wife, he'd be able to deal with whatever messed him up. it really seemed that way. but he just got more and more messed up. he seemed only mildly, and understandably, messed up initially--and given his upbringing, it made sense. he just deteriorated. i don't think he realized that just starting his new life (with us, i mean) wouldn't be enough...that to really be better, he would have to look at and address whatever it was that messed him up. once he realized it wasn't enough, rather than saying okay, i gotta deal with this, he got scared and refused to look at it...and got more messed up. then he became unbearable and i was on the verge of telling him to leave, i'd had enough...which he probably sensed anyways...so he started setting up the pins for his new life...the unchallenging girlfriend who will listen all supportively to his feelings about his messed up marriage (omitting the blatant fact that his marriage was just a mirror for his messed up self...and this is why the girlfriend has to be unchallenging, a smart woman wouldn't let that slide). and then he left. and then he cut off all non-business related contact between us, so i couldn't say things like this to him (i'm not the unchallenging girlfriend type), and got into his new girlfriend and his new life and keeps anything that might challenge what he's doing far, far away.

yeah. it's hard not to fixate on this. because i am 100 percent convinced of it. so it's frustrating. he could just choose to face whatever messed him up. he could just deal with it. he'd have a loving, supportive wife and best friend to help him through. but he refuses. and it's really sad, because, he doesn't see that he's running away from himself...and he can never escape himself...and he's just going to keep ping-ponging off the girls and the friends in his life, cutting all ties, removing all challenges...until he deals with his problems or dies.

so i get all tight in the chest and feel like i might throw up and want to see him and say all this to him, but know it wouldn't do any good right now, so i write instead. and i feed the kids breakfast. and i make plans for my future. and water the garden. and play with jubal. and just keep going. maybe he'll see it someday...and we're connected, we're married, we made a baby together, and i KNOW him...so when he sees it, i'll be here to listen if he wants. and if he never wants to, that's not my problem. but it is sad.

i'm grateful for:
the stock tank
dirt
the phone
people taking the kids for a few hours
that school starts soon

life keeps wanting lived

2009-05-30T07:26:00.001-07:00

jubal and me in the pub
Originally uploaded by hedgenettle

dad had the kids today (thanks again, dad!) while i went to town and did my placement tests (reading comprehension 117/120, sentence skills 111/120, math (ahem) 81/120...it's been a while on the math skill use, and those sentence skills? sorry, but they were the worst sentences ever! i missed a few because they were so lame. anyways everything passed well within the range of being "able to benefit" and i'm good to go...

when dad brought the kids back yesterday vesta was quick to point out that it was art walk night.

ugh. i filled with dread at the thought of taking three kids, one of them 2! to art walk. it seemed really hard and annoying and i didn't want to go...but i also really don't want to mess up the kids' routines and constantly disappoint them with how tired and depressed i am, or make them feel worthless because i never want to do anything with them. so i slapped on some eyeshadow and lip gloss (i know, if you know me, you're going "what? lip gloss? make up?" with genuine confusion...yeah, i wear it now, it helps perk me up a little bit, makes me feel sparkly and fresh, and it sort of demarcates which events are elevated in my day....going to school for orientations: make up; sitting on the back porch crying and dribbling popcicles on myself: no make up)...so, i anticipated this being incredibly difficult because of managing jubal, but it totally wasn't. the girls hung with jubal while i fixed him a plate of snacks and bought myself a beer at the pub, then they went off on their own (together) to cruise their favorite parts of art walk while jubal and i listened to the musicians, chatted with the people in the seats near us, ate our snack, and, in my case, drank a beer. then we went and found the girls and went back to the little courtyard thing by the pub, where hazel and i hung with jubal while vesta struck off with some friends for a bit. it wasn't stressful, it was fun.

a couple of girls from blue mountain showed up, and i spoke to the older one about whether she babysits, what her schedule is like, and if she'd be interested in babysitting for me sometimes...she does, she has a very open schedule, and she would be interested in babysitting sometimes. so now i feel a lot of relief around the whole "what do i do with the kids?!" thing, because here is another person i can put in my resource pocket.

i can do this. it won't always be easy and i'm going to need a lot of help...it's not my ideal way of raising a family, but i can do this, and we'll be okay.

i'm grateful for:
friends
opportunities
almay lip gloss
babysitters
hope

http://www.flickr.com/photos/hedgenettle/
for more pictures of art walk and other stuff we're doing.

woke up at 2:30 this morning...

2009-05-29T03:49:00.001-07:00

woke up at 2:30 this morning...
Originally uploaded by hedgenettle

the dog was scratching at my door and i was still half dressed, having dozed off putting jubal to sleep. i feel like i can get back to sleep soon for a few more hours, though.

tomorrow i have my placement tests at LCC, which should go fine...other than my math, which is totally rusty, and i expect to place low...which is still fine, frankly i don't want to take a challenging math class right now. the reading and writing i expect to pass with flying colors. and then some. my placement test are called "ability to benefit" tests--which i have to take because i never graduated high school. i'm feeling pretty able to benefit right now.

speaking of which...loki is planning a mortgage relief party for us on june 20th, more details to come. i spent some time thinking about that this evening, because i'm designing the invitations...thinking about fun things like: what size, what format, do i put a picture of me and the kids on it?...and less fun things like: should i ask the printshop for a my-husband-just-ditched-us-single-mom-of-three discount to print them? it seems like a reasonable discount to request, and i'm a regular customer. it's strange how i feel no shame or nervousness at the thought of asking for it, either. i mean, my husband just totally LEFT us and i'm so broke my friend has to throw me a party to raise money. i need a freaking discount!

i had a horrible moment last night where i felt so completely exhausted, i just wanted to call rodney and see if he was completely exhausted yet, too. i didn't do it, of course, because i know he isn't yet...he's not taking care of three kids, a house, a dog, scrambling to make money, and depressed because his best friend and life partner just freaking ditched them all suddenly and randomly. he was probably at his new idiotic girlfriend's house playing video games. it sucks for him that by the time he does get exhausted, and his dumb girlfriend dumps him for being an angry jerk, i will have spent my normal amount of time feeling this way and coping and will be fully recovered...probably with a boyfriend of my own. god i hope that happens.

infinite jest...join us!

2009-05-28T13:18:00.001-07:00

infinite jest...join us!
Originally uploaded by hedgenettle

the other night i was checking out colin meloy's twitter page. yeah, what of it? i have a crush on him! anyways, he tweeted (?) about infinite summer www.infinitesummer.org and i was inspired...since i sold almost all of my books to the local bookstore, i have a lot of credit right now, so i went and picked up infinite jest (by david foster wallace) and i'm going to attempt to join the summerlong movement (all the details of the "infinite summer" are at the link above) reading 75 pages a week, all summer long...it's corny, yes, but i love the idea of reading the same book as colin meloy at the same time he's reading it. (by the way, i know you're all going "who IS colin meloy?"...he's the songwriter and singer of the decemberists and my biggest famous crush pretty much ever--well, except for patrick swayze, but i was 12 then!).

it's kind of ironic, because the summer that rodney and i started "dating" he bought two copies of this book called skepticism inc. (i think) by bo fowler and we read it together and talked about it, and it also had a bluey, cloudy cover. so now i get to read a much better bluey, cloudy covered book with my pretend boyfriend, colin (and thousand of other people). bittersweet because of course the first person i wanted to ask to join me was rodney. s'okay, though.

if you're remotely interested, here's all the links i can find:

http://www.infinitesummer.org/
http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=101116901411&ref=nf
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0316066524?ie=UTF8&tag=infsum-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=0316066524
http://www.metafilter.com/81834/Infinite-Summer

also there's a twitter stream for it, but i can't seem to link that, but you can get to it from the first link.

oh, yes, i suppose i should mention something of the plot...well, i'll just say a bit from the back cover blurb....

"infinite jest explores essential questions about what entertainment is and why it has come to dominate our lives; about how our desire for entertainment affects our need to connect with other people; and about what the pleasures we choose say about who we are."

which makes it sound non-fictiony, but it's a novel and supposedly hilarious. that topic is spot-on for me, right now.

join me! let's read it.

i journal now

2009-05-28T06:24:00.001-07:00

i journal now
Originally uploaded by hedgenettle

obviously. i'm doing it on this blog. but also i do it on my little pea pod iota tablet that jan gave me for christmas, which is always in my purse. i've always wanted to be a journaler...but got distracted. marriage can really distract you from your essential nature--and kids, especially babies--but i've quickly returned to who i was before, just older and smarter.

anyways, the journaling--on here and elsewhere has been awesome. i find it really helps to settle my mind/body/nerves when panic sets in, and it's a great way to pass the time while waiting for a meeting or whatnot.

it also helps me sort my feelings and perceptions about R. and what the hell he's doing. following his classic pattern, of course. i just didn't see when i was in it, that i, too, was a band-aid...that FAMILY was a band-aid (talk about hurting when you take it off! ha!)...everything that he does is a band-aid and i'm guessing it'll be that way forever, unless he gets some sort of mental shift where he can see what he's doing. fortunately not my responsibility. but realizing that DOES make it easier for me to cope/not take it personally. this is the ultimate test of that take nothing personally suggestion from one of those new age self-helpy spirtuality guys (don miguel ruiz)...and it's actually not that hard, because i KNOW i didn't do anything wrong and don't deserve this. all i did was try with that guy. try and give and give and give. and now i have so much to give back to myself, the person who could've used it all along.

but i digress. the journaling also takes the form of photographically documenting everything--if you look at my flickr page you know i was already getting into that anyways...now that's up a big notch. i'm not sure why i love to document things so much...but i always have. i went through weird phases as a kid photographing things like everyone's shoes. it would have been awesome if we had digital cameras back then! i wonder about the documenting thing, though...like, is that my own sort of band aid? my little spoon of sugar with the medicine? or is it just a great tool for self reflection? we shall see...so far it seems to be healthy enough. i've always been into self portraits, too--again, thank god for digital cameras! i've joined a couple of self portrait groups on flickr, which is neat because they're filled with people like me who find a weird joy in documenting themselves. it's fun to watch the progressions.

i'm looking forward to doing some work with the self portraiture in my transitions classes and my art classes.

i am grateful for:
my camera
my kids
my house
my gardens
my friends

bittersweet

2009-05-27T13:42:00.001-07:00

dammit this really is happening
Originally uploaded by hedgenettle

i wanted it to be exciting to go to my orientation. but, of course, i had to drop the kids off at r.'s apartment first. it was so hard. i want to scream and shout at him about how could you be so daft?! another woman?! really?! and such a bland and idiotic one, at that?! there was a lot of time to think, after i dropped them off and before my orientation started...about how completely different this scenario would be, had he not had a girlfriend all lined up. if he had a chance to deal with himself and deal with what he's done...if we had a chance to deal with each other and what we did to our marriage...how we could have taken a break, i could have gone back to school, and we could have really evaluated the situation and made a conscious decision about our lives, our marriage, our family, and what we really wanted...and either decided it was best to stay apart, or decided it was best to come back together with a renewed vigor and commitment. either way would have been a million times better than this. this is just another of r.'s band-aids, the girl just another drug, another distraction.

the orientation went well. i learned that i pretty much knew everything already--which was good, because i thought i'd prepared well, and i have. i turned in my application for the program, and got some handouts with some useful information...i also got yet another wake up call about homework and time management. i have no idea how i'm going to have time for all this fecking homework...and a wake up call about financial aid--another thing i already knew: this is the WORST time to apply for aid, there are no extra grants in summer and there isn't any money in the pot beyond the loans and the pell grant...and as it stands, i don't have enough to survive on.

but i'll just keep going anyways. and i'll figure out how to make up the difference, and how to do the homework, and how to stay calm and patient with the kids.

i don't think i'll figure out how to look r. in the face, though. how can you be MARRIED to someone and not know just how weak they are?

i am grateful for:
cigarettes
my dad
popcicles
the sun
my garden

the sick panic sets in again

2009-05-27T07:18:00.001-07:00

the sick panic sets in again
Originally uploaded by hedgenettle

another wave of fear and repulsion...literally making me sick to my stomach. as in, goodbye morning tea and any notion of eating breakfast. if only he'd have wanted to deal with his problems within the safe, loving space of our family, we could have had a perfect life. a simple perfect life. in one of the first couple of days after he left, before i knew he was REALLY leaving, he said he wanted the perfect life with the good dog and the happy kids and the white picket fence...and instead he leaves his best shot at having it for a creepy girl who likes to read romance novels and go shopping. what the hell?! and what about her? a married man, really? a married man with a baby at home longing for his dad?! you really want to be the medicine for a heart that's just walked away from his family? ugh. ugh. ugh.

i never meant for this space to be SUCH a "perzine" as they're called in the zine biz, but i guess it is one, now. i can't think about things like laundry soap and the environmental impact of baking soda right now. and i've happily just discovered that writing helps put the panic back in its box for a while, so there will probably be more like this in the future...

for now, it's time to go get ready...my orientation is today and i am looking forward to it, under my blanket of yuckiness.

in love with life

2009-05-26T15:55:00.001-07:00

in love with life
Originally uploaded by hedgenettle

i didn't notice how depressed i was until rodney left. he was so shitty and so angry all the time, i felt completely sad and tired...not even sad...apathetic, which i think is worse. and anytime i did feel excited about something and try to share it with him, he didn't care, wasn't interested, wasn't supportive...i felt so worthless because he never enjoyed me (which i really don't understand! i rock ass!) and never wanted to do what i wanted to do (which would've been pretty much anything if we could do it together and have fun, without him being angry or shitty). i wanted to end the relationship so many times, but clung to the hope that he would get better, it would get better...and of course, was scared to be alone (come to find out, it's pretty awesome)...it's nice to have myself back, to feel confident and fun, to feel completely worthy of whatever i want in my life.

i'm grateful for:
1) myself
2) my house
3) my garden
4) loki!!!
5) my life

beautiful boy

2009-05-26T08:25:00.001-07:00

beautiful boy
Originally uploaded by hedgenettle

this perfect child is so worth it.

garden

2009-05-26T08:23:00.001-07:00

garden
Originally uploaded by hedgenettle

i didn't want to do it. it seemed pointless and hard. i couldn't remember anything about gardening, like which tomatoes need cages...but i knew in my core it would help me feel better. i said to loki, if i was treating someone else, i'd tell them to garden. so i did it anyways. it felt good to just do it, even if i didn't want to (i imagine there will be more projects like that coming soon!)...it sucked for a long time...and then it didn't suck any more. it felt good. the potatoes felt nourishing, the earth felt restorative, the sun on my skin felt like life. the act of watering felt like giving back. it all just suddenly felt good. and then i wanted some more starts to plant! must get some.

we love each other so much!

2009-05-26T08:16:00.001-07:00

we love each other so much!
Originally uploaded by hedgenettle

are you kidding me with this smile?

what feels good

2009-05-26T07:46:00.000-07:00

gardening
making dinner for the kids
going to school for my preparatory orientations and meetings, etc.
reading to the kids
laying in bed alone for five minutes
re-connecting with old friends
returning to my original nature
losing weight and how weird it feels to have a smaller body already
realizing stuff that makes it easier for me to get things done (like: hello, it just occurred to me this morning that i know teenagers who can babysit in the evenings sometimes! JUST realized that. ha.)
listening to music
playing and hanging out with the kids
going to bed earlier and getting up earlier
having my clothes be too big, or the ones that were too small fitting again
drinking water from the office bathroom sink using my hands as a cup. really cold water.
knowing that i am capable and can rely on myself
anticipating classes and art homework
taking photos and posting them to flickr (new photos up, by the way, check out the link) http://www.flickr.com/photos/hedgenettle/
brushing jubal's teeth and helping him go potty (he poops in the potty seat now! yup!)
watching jubal learn so many new words and skills (understanding the concept of two; the words cookie, play, "i two", and more)
having the support of so many friends and family
feeling safe and like it's going to be okay
not being disappointed by my and in my husband anymore

ps. i'm trying to figure out how to upload images from my flickr account into my blog, but it seems i have to do them separately as their own entry... sorry to the folks that get an e mail alert for all new posts. i'll keep trying to figure it out.

the words of the day

2009-05-25T09:31:00.000-07:00

vapid, stupid, inane, slutty, ridiculous, dumb, thoughtless, tactless, cruel, gormless, insane...

my thoughts in response to my husband's charming new facebook album.

just when i think i have a handle on things...more things (and by things i mean SHIT) gets piled on.

how it's going and what i need

2009-05-24T11:46:00.000-07:00

what a strange and wondrous thing life is...

it's two weeks since rodney left. i'm starting to really love that he left. obviously, i wanted the marriage and i wanted the life and the partnership...but it became more and more evident that he didn't want it...so it didnt work and it wasn't what i wanted anyways. so i'm glad it's over. i love the peace in the house, free from his constant anger and irritation; free from my expectations of having a participating husband and father, and the resulting disappointment. there aren't a lot of hard feelings, and there is absolutely no pining or mooning or wishing he was still here (on my part, the kids of course have all of that).

i've gotten my house in amazing order and have managed to maintain the order fairly well. i've stocked up on essential household items like toilet paper and extra keep-the-baby-out-of-the-fridge latches (they tend to break often)...i have my own bank account and am busily working on ways to fill it up with money, have done all of my financial aid and school enrollment legwork, i have my LCC "L" number and have met with the art department adviser--nothing stands in my way of enrolling in the Graphic Design program. The pink sheet of paper the adviser gave me which describes the coursework for the next two years is almost entirely full of art classes (there are a very few gen. ed. type requirements--math and whatnot), which is SO exciting! typography, photography, drawing, web production, graphic design history (!!!), etc. my homework is going to be SO FUN!...

so here's what i still need, and i put this out there so those of you who read my humble blog will know, in case you have ideas or resources or time:

1) childcare that is awesome and good for the kids (and the money to pay for it)
2) a new blender
3) someone who wants a dog, maybe (i know it sucks to have your dad leave and then your mom gets rid of your dog, but i can only handle so much, and i'm willing to consider farming him out somewhere if somebody good wants him)
4) a dishwasher (yes, i repeat! it would REALLY help!)
5) someone who thinks it would be fun to help me paint my living room, matched up with a time when someone else thinks it would be fun to have the kids
6) money (as much as possible from as many different places as possible, i need a buffer zone for when the house or car need repairs, paying for the childcare, etc.)...seriously, if you know and love me and have a bit extra, mail me a check for a hundred bucks, or fifty bucks, or ten bucks...it all helps and it'll go to a good place...and if it's really big, i'll exchange graphic design services for life, so you'll get it back.
7) a support system of people who love the kids and want to step in as extra aunties and uncles...they're kids, they need a lot of attention and energy and i'd love to have help, and even more, i'd love them to be reinforced with the feeling that they are surrounded by people who love them and that they can count on.
8) occasional ready made meals, especially once school starts
9) people willing to listen to me when the panic sets in (i have some of those people, you know who you are, and thanks! i'll probably keep calling in a panic for a while)
10) customers to my etsy site, or on the side. you know you love weird coasters, awesome shopping bags, and good smelling soap. (the site doesn't have much up for sale right now, but that's my focus in the next couple of weeks)
11) fun things to do. if you ask me once and i say no, ask again. i love it when people offer stuff and also when they call to check in. it REALLY helps. (and thanks to those that already do that, it means a lot to me, and is greatly appreciated)
12) your undying love and support, as well as compassion...it's obvious now that i did a stupid thing marrying rodney, who doesn't want what he thought he wanted...but i didn't know he wouldn't want it (i'm guessing he didn't either) and it seemed like a good and wondrous thing to do. it sucks that it didn't work out. i hate the feeling that everyone else thought it was dumb and is now proven right. feel free to reassure me that you didn't foresee it either, and if you did, don't tell me!

i am grateful for:
1) the calm, unpanicky moments
2) the feeling that it will all be okay
3) the suggestions and support from my friends and family
4) the people willing to listen to me ramble on (or panic on) for a really long time. i do realize you have a life and i'm sucking your time, and i'll try to need to do that as little as possible--but, again, it REALLY helps...it helps me feel focused and reassured and centered and connected.
5) my mom coming to hang out for a few days, and her willingness to do it again through summer term to give me the space to figure out how to go to school while single parenting three kids. whew. she did a lot of dishes and yardwork and laundry folding and it was awesome.

i feel good

2009-05-17T21:34:00.001-07:00

i know it's just a feeling and probably won't last...but i feel GOOD. like--really, really good. and my house is almost totally clean. clean! as in, clutter free and places i haven't mopped in a year are shiny now. i'm starting to return to my body and my center. i feel like rodney made the right decision. i wish he did it in a way that was more sensitive and less yucky. but maybe he couldn't. i feel excited about my life for the first time in 9 months. seriously. i will get through this and we will be better once we get out the other side. there is peace in the house and it's such a relief. i'm not trying to cling to this feeling, but man i hope it lasts.

non-relationship posts to come soon (if the feeling lasts! if not, more depressing horrible, cathartic posts to come)...

i am grateful for
1) my heart
2) liquids
3) vacuum cleaners
4) resiliency
5) love in all forms

it's painful and i have to write

2009-05-16T19:45:00.000-07:00

it is so painful i cannot breathe. it is so uncomfortable i cannot relax with it. it is so insane i cannot fathom it. i am overwhelmed and bewildered and totally exhausted. because it is so unbearable that i cannot sleep.
my children are suffering and i can do nothing to relieve it. their hearts break so many times every day. jubal is so sad and doesn't have the words or the frame of reference to understand what is happening. his father--his father that has been here for him his entire life--is gone. he's just not here.
my husband is acting completely insane. i'm scared for him. i'm scared for me. i think about what this is going to do to the kids, how it will shape their futures, and i am physically and spiritually ill.
i feel like i'm losing my mind. i feel totally out of control. inside, i feel like a crazed animal penned up in a cage just flailing itself against the bars. the injustice and selfishness baffle me. i cannot let go of the idea that he will wake up and come to his senses and this will end. life cannot possibly be this way.

what i want when my husband leaves me

2009-05-15T12:20:00.000-07:00

it's five days since he said he wanted a couple days' space.
four days since it was revealed he's interested in another woman.
one day since he made his intentions to divorce clear.

1) $10,000 of no strings, untaxed, completely free money so that i can breathe about the mortgage, the kids' clothes, the gas, the insurance, the dog shots, the, the, the.... (more would be okay, too)
2) someone to take the kids for a while.
3) someone to take me out to dinner without the kids. and to be able to eat once i get there.
4) sleep.
5) a dishwasher.
6) someone to move in with me and be present.
7) the space to weep.
8) a t.v. for my office so i can sew in it when i can't sleep, but can have the t.v. on while i do it, because that comforts me.
9) to paint my living room.
10) peace

what to do when your husband leaves you

2009-05-13T05:51:00.000-07:00

1. be in shock
2. feel horrible, sad, angry, hurt, bewildered, confused, scared, desperate, and sick.
3. enjoy the extra space in the bed, but wonder why when you and he bought sheets together a couple of weeks ago he bothered to pick a color, instead of letting you pick both colors, since in a couple of weeks they'd just be your sheets anyways.
4. do the dishes and sweeping and other chores with insane frequency. this insures that a) you never have a giant insurmountable dish or laundry pile to tackle while you are in complete pain and b) that you always have something to do with yourself and c) that you don't totally sink into a dirty, dog hair, dish-piled, linty, puking, unfunctional (yeah, i just coined that word) depression. at least your depression will be clean and free of literal debris.
5. you will find that even with your chore vigilance, there is much too much time in the day. so...clean your house of all that stuff you've been putting off getting rid of. put his stuff into garbage bags or boxes and stack it some where out of the way. i like to do this part in little bursts and stages by just doing a box from here or there (if like me you have a lot of stuff in boxes that you were going to go through someday--the day is here!). this is a good thing to do for a couple of reasons...if you have suddenly become a single mom of three, including a toddler, you are going to have to go to school funded by lots and lots of grants and loans or you are going to have to get a shit-paying, time-sucking job very soon (or both! ugh). when this happens, you will not have time for several years to deal with all that stuff and you will feel it weighing on you and looming above you and it will be hard to feel excited by your new life because your home will be heavy with all the shit you have to do. so do some of it now, while you have all this time that you can't sit or be still for long without crying and getting yourself all screwed up with no decent result. it feels good, is satisfying, is functional, is practical, and you and your home will feel better for it. and, most importantly, it uses up the time.
6. feel overwhelming hope and gratitude for the situation because if he would do this to you, he is a fucked up dick anyways and once all this horrible sadness and pain clears and heals, you will be a better person. your house will be a happier, more peace-filled place, and that will be good for you and your kids. the goodness part comes in the future and right now you have to operate on a cocktail of logic and faith. it makes sense even though you might feel like begging him to stay.
7. beg him to stay. when it doesn't work, reaffirm that you were right about that gratitude and hope. of course you were, you are always right!
8. hug your kids a lot and let them cry. tell them it's okay to feel anything they feel and you are there for them to talk to, hug, cuddle, be angry with, play games, watch movies....whatever they need. also let them know that they can call grampa, gramma, auntie, and friends to talk. let them know that they can ask you anything and everyone who loves them is there for them if they need anything, even if they want to just talk to someone about you, because it's okay if they are angry with you, or feel you did something to cause the situation. feel proud when your eleven year old says she doesn't blame anybody, but just feels so sad.
9. while you are having these conversations with your kids who have just been abandoned by the man they love and who promised to take care of them forever...you might feel a rage and hatred toward him that makes you want to beat his face to a bloody pulp and then stab it. let the feeling happen, and then let go of it because it just takes energy away from you if you hold onto it. the feeling will probably return the next day when you are having the horrible crying pain with your kids again. repeat process of letting the feeling happen, and then letting it go.
10. you will have moments of rage and resentment because you are being left to do the job of two parents all by yourself. you will think about how unfair and shitty it is of him, because your life is set up the way it is because you both agreed for it to be that way. deal with it. don't cling to the rage and resentment. what he's done is unfair and wrong and also stupid--but so what? don't let his idiocy ruin you.
11. remind yourself to love yourself and to take care of yourself. it's fine to be shitty to your body for a few days--you may be inclined to drink a lot of wine, beer, or whiskey and smoke too much. okay. do that for two or three days, and then get back to normal. get on your bike. take the kids to the park. if you can afford it, get a massage. if you can afford it, get a massage every week or month for the rest of your life. if you can't afford it, save your pennies until you can and in the meantime accept all the hugs people will offer you when they find out your husband left. feel them. don't let go too fast. these hugs are like plugging yourself into something that makes you light up, they restore energy.
12. you will probably be unable to sleep properly. if this happens longer than a couple of days go to the doctor's office and tell him your husband just left you and your three kids and you can't sleep and you need something to help you sleep so that you can function and cope. hopefully he is a nice and kind doctor who will probe you for how you're doing and give you tissues and say it's fine to cry. he will give you a short-term prescription for ambien. take them the way you are supposed to and be on the lookout for side effects. do this even if you normally don't take pills--this is what modern medicine is for. this is an acute trauma.
13. if you haven't done it yet, call a therapist of some kind and set up an appointment. guiding people through trauma is their job, they have tools and they know things you don't. it will be easier for you to do all the *stuff* you have to do to set up your new life if you utilize this resource. you will be less likely to slip into a horrible depression that you don't see. it will help you stay on track.
14. vacillate between emotions and feelings and desires. but don't tell them all to your husband. they will change a hundred times a day.
15. try to remember that he is wounded and broken. that a sane and healthy person would not do this. try to have compassion for him and know that he is doing the best he can with what he has. do not try to take care of him, but try to have compassion quietly in your heart. this is for you. resentment and anger that are not allowed to pass through us, but rather encouraged to stay, will poison you. you didn't ask for this or want it, but it's happening and you will be okay some day--some day will come sooner if you acknowledge the angry feelings and let them go.
16. you will have friends reveal themselves to you. people that you know on a casual but regular basis will quickly learn of what's happened. allow them to commiserate with you. talk to them about it. you didn't do anything wrong and have nothing to hide or be ashamed of. they might offer you help, hugs, childcare, tea, etc. you might feel like not taking them up on it because of this or that reason you make up in your head. don't let yourself do that. thank them for revealing themselves to you in this way, and for offering help. call them and let them help you. you are building friendships that will strengthen your new life. you will be able to reciprocate some day. accept everything you can, even if you have to force yourself. you need the help, there is no getting around that. so accept their offers with grace (and yes, you can have grace while you are blubbering and wearing the same shirt for three days and smell like cigarettes and pain). thank god and the universe for the people in your life who support you, and thank the people.
17. just keep going. you will get through it.
18. if you have kids, make sure to facilitate good times for them if they want them. there is no reason for them to wallow in complete misery. doing this will also help you to not wallow. good times are good times. rent movies and plant seeds and take care of your pets and your house together.
19. figure out what you're going to do to pay your mortgage, electricity, gas, phone, internet, dog food, etc bills. yes, it's overwhelming and if you think too long on it, you might start crying. cry. then go back to figuring it out. if at all possible figure out a way to survive that involves doing something that you love. your life is transforming now, you will be creating something different than what you had. this is an opportunity to create something you will love and enjoy. if you have been a homemaker for your entire adult life, go back to school if at all possible--you will be able to meet new people, learn new skills, and be better prepared to take care of a family and all the attached responsibilities than if you just panic and run out and get a job any job. ideally you will be creating a life where you don't just survive, but also thrive.
20. try to eat something.

yippeee! and...darnit

2009-05-05T10:57:00.000-07:00

i had an excellent birthday, thank you. it was wonderful from start to finish. and there's more to come: dinner at adam's sustainable table and building a chicken coop with dad. i think i got everything on my list--rodney made that his private, personal goal this year. which made me feel totally special. i haven't cross-referenced my loot with my list yet, but you know i will. and i'll post a mosaic of all my presents, once they all arrive (i mail ordered some goodies with my birthday money from gramma and grampa). it felt like a holiday all day and i got everything i wanted: presents, alone time, sewing done, a clean floor, cheesecake, a yummy (easy to prepare) dinner, the love and devotion of my family. some of the gifts were really thoughtful...vesta sketched a portrait of me and wrote a long paragraph about my wonderful qualities...rodney didn't just get me a glass tea pot, he got me an italian glass teapot named "love". it was just such a good and perfect day.

so it's spring, and it's my own personal new year--both of which i love. and i am driven and motivated to clean and clear out and organize for the new season and the new year and my new projects...but! my damn back is still injured. it's a lot better, two trips to the chiropractor later...but of course, it's not magically restored to its former glory...and won't be for at least another week (and several back exercises!)...so i'm frustrated. i want to just work and work and work as much as humanly possible until it's done, but i can't because my back says "no!" so i'm trying to deal and be patient, and appreciate what i can do, and relax often. but it's hard, cuz i don't want to! for once i have the energy and the drive, and i can't utilize them! grrrrrr. i frequently remind myself that the more i accept it and rest now, the quicker it will heal...but i am NOT good at just doing nothing, when i feel like doing a million somethings. shrug.

i am grateful for:
1. my awesome birthday
2. the rain (at least i can't lament all the garden work i'd be doing)
3. my husband
4. my camera, new best friend
5. my life

ps. i cross-referenced the list and he missed the apple trees...but let's not tell him. shhhh.

time flies away as i panic

2009-05-02T20:49:00.000-07:00

it's the endless problem of time. i feel completely elated by all the amazing stuff i want to do (you would not believe the number of awesome bag, notepad, notebook, etc. ideas i have moshing in my brain every night!) and i don't even have time to adequately sweep the floor every day! i fantasize daily about sending my family away for a month. 30 days of time! i would only have to do what i wanted and my house would be clean! i would spend the first three days super-cleaning the house and FINALLY organizing the office for maximum efficiency. i would spend the rest working. cutting, sewing, gluing, assembling, knitting (in the evenings...i'm dying to try knitting play food)...i would dedicate the mornings to a quick clean-up...dishes, sweep, laundry, etc. i imagine this would take and hour or less if it was just me and i didn't have to stop to nurse the baby. or feed the baby. or help the girls with some project. or make lunch for four. etc. i would cook awesome dinners a couple of times a week, the rest would be left-overs and egg/toast/salad type affairs. my brain would blaze with creative energy, blessing me with some kind of adrenaline rush that would prevent me missing my family at all. i would make multiple trips to the print shop and master photoshop and have a work station on every available surface. i would be a bottlecap magnet machine. my fingers would be stained with ink and my floor littered with thread (til that morning clean up!) the supplies i need would always be available, never sold out and especially never on back-order...i'd build a giant, amazingly stylish and effective inventory, which i would photograph perfectly, post diligently and sell like hotcakes!

i would like to say more, but i am out of time. for the record, though, i do want them to come back after 30 days...maybe 30 days on, 30 days off? so rad!...

i'm grateful for:
1) quick, but delicious meals
2) my breath
3) my washing machine
4) my garden fences (which will allow me to utilize my clothesline this summer!)
5) that the kids can babysit jubal while i nap

why flickr is awesome

2009-04-28T09:41:00.000-07:00

so, i've mentioned flickr a bit in passing, mainly as a way to let the rellies know where they can see pictures of the kids...but today i'm going to tell you why flickr is awesome and what i do with it (besides post pictures of the kids for the rellies.)

it's free to join flickr, so you can upload photos and look at other people's photos and check out groups, if you want. you get 100 MBs of uploading goodness, which suffices for the casual photo uploader. if you get hooked on it, like me, you can upgrade to a "pro" account, for $24.95/year (rodney upgraded my account for me a couple of days ago, as an early birthday present--thanks, hunny!)...this allows you unlimited uploads, access to statistical data about which of your pics get the most views (and other info, i haven't figured it all out yet)...i quickly learned that would be a necessity for me, if i wanted to participate in a few of the themed groups (i do).

initially i joined so that i could participate in the "bend the rules sewing" flickr group--an offshoot of the awesome book of that title, by amy karol (http://www.angrychicken.typepad.com)...and in my playing around i discovered thousands upon thousands of groups...if you can think of something, there is a group for it (well, almost, i tried to find a group dedicated to dead stuff as art/home deco--inspired by this post of loki's-- http://lokikohall.blogspot.com/2009/01/dead-envy.html--and couldn't find one, but that is a pretty obscure and random thing to search for). if you don't find a group dedicated to a topic you MUST photograph and share, then you can start your own group.

so, by joining groups, like one dedicated to a hobby of yours, for example--in my case, sewing/crafting--you start to see other people's photos, and their photos that are posted to the group link back to their photostream, so you can see all of their pictures (if they are set to be public--you can set your pictures to be private, and then only people you approve can view them, if you want)...and you can see what other groups they belong to...and then it's more six degrees of photo heaven. you may stumble across an awesome group you never knew existed and have to join. i did.

my latest discovery is a monthly scavenger hunt group http://www.flickr.com/groups/monthlyhunt/pool/ . i fell instantly in love with this idea: at the beginning of the month a list is posted of 20 words or phrases--sometimes there is a theme, sometimes not--and the members of the group are challenged to post one picture for each item on the list, either something they go out and find or something they may already have in their archives. once you complete the twenty item long list, you post a mosaic of your photos, and the group can vote on them, if they want. just for fun. some of this month's words/phrases: piquant, umami, crisp, bitter, salty, sweet, tomb, illegal, kanji, pink slip, maximum efficiency...it is the absolute perfect group for me, as it has cool words, awesome pictures, is mentally challenging without being impossible or overly time-consuming, and it's fun! i love the way it has shifted my thinking, inspired creativity, and brought my camera permanently out of the dresser drawer. my camera now goes everywhere with me--i never know when i might find the perfect photograph!

there are groups dedicated to various forms of 365--you take a photograph every day. some of them are self portrait groups, themed groups, assigned item groups, etc. etc. i haven't quite mustered up the nerve to join one of the 365 groups yet, but i do plan to. i love the idea of that small promise, to take a photograph every day. i love seeing what people come up with, how people capture their days, their lives.

it's a strange, world-wide community of people who, like me, love photographs.

today i am grateful for:
1) vesta doing the dishes
2) hazel folding the laundry
3) jubal not being insanely clingy
4) the pleasure of cooking meals
5) the radish sprouts in my new garden bed

my etsy shop is open!!!

2009-04-27T12:15:00.000-07:00

yes! it's true! please visit my etsy shop and let me know what you think. it's small right now (five items), but it's up and people are looking at it (and i even got favorited!) i've worked really hard and will continue to work really hard and i'm SOOOOO happy for myself right now. i managed to get my very own bank account and paypal account, and i'm feeling quite grown up and official. i'm open to critiques and comments (and compliments!), so don't be afraid to let me know what you think, and spread the word!
www.jubalicious.etsy.com

i am grateful for:
1) global marketing
2) etsy
3) every scrap of time i have
4) the print shop filling my business card order swiftly
5) doing what i love

the saga of my back pain or why i am a medicine maven

2009-04-23T08:43:00.000-07:00

i have alluded in recent posts to my bum back...about a week and a half ago, as i was walking into the bedroom to lay with jubal while he fell asleep, my back spasmed--the lower left quadrant. i thought something clever like "that was weird" followed by "that hurts" and went to bed. it hurt throughout the night and on into the next day. and the next. and the next. rodney suggested going to the doctor, which seemed silly to me, as he'd probably say i need to lose weight (no, really?!) and maybe give me some pills, which i didn't really want. but, as the pain persisted, it started to seem like a better idea--those potential pills were starting to take on a glorified weight in my mind. i thought about occasions for vicadin of the past (post-hospital stay for The Appendix and a couple of wisdom tooth pulls) and i thought that might be really nice right now...so i went. but he wouldn't give me vicodin because i'm nursing--even though most of my research says it's probably okay, and i extrapolated that since jubal's not nursing much anyways, and doesn't actually get much milk, he would get barely any of the dose himself...this doctor is a real stickler. so he gave me the only muscle relaxer nursing mamas can have (baclofin) and high dose ibuprofin. nothing. no relief--except for the night that i added two beers to the mix, knowing that alcohol can enhance the effects of the baclofin (no worries, the kids were asleep and i wasn't driving anywhere)...not a dosing strategy that i can maintain! the doctor had told me to be back in a week if it was still bothering me, so i went back yesterday...

the doctor suggested seeing a chiropractor or at least getting some therapeutic massage, neither of which my insurance will pay for. he also said we could x-ray my back next time if it didn't improve, but then said "or we could do it now"--we'd be looking for arthritis or degeneration (at which i made some crazy sound which meant "dammit, i cannot handle anything that's going to be time consuming or depressing!", but which the doctor interpreted as me laughing at the idea of a 29 year old with arthritis)..."let's do it, " i said, so we did. i was x-rayed by some strange lady in this weird dungeon of a room at the clinic, laying on a hideously uncomfortable table, wearing a ridiculous "gown". while i was waiting for the doctor to return to discuss my films with me, i was looking at them glowing on the outdated wall-mounted light table, feeling pride and wonder at the human body, so gloriously made and beautifully built. my spine was so lovely.

the doctor quickly returned to inform me that i did have arthritis, i did have degeneration, and that one of my vertebrae is in the wrong place, which he "would expect to be uncomfortable." he said if i weaned the baby he would give me something stronger. gee thanks.

so i started thinking herbs. i contemplated the tincture of opium poppy i made many years ago "just in case", but thought that better be a last resort. so i stilled myself and thought about what i've learned all these years of studying herbalism, thought about plants that i know are analgesic, but which are still mild and safe, did a little quick internet research to confirm my intuitions, and called wise woman herbs to see if they had everything i wanted. they did. rodney wanted to golf in creswell anyways, so i enlisted him to pick up my pre-ordered bag of pain-relieving goodness...upon his return several long and pain-filled hours later, i quickly mixed myself up my first experimental dose--would it work? would it make me too sleepy or cause a stomach ache? did i pick the right combo, the right dose? it worked, folks. it worked quickly and well. and it didn't even taste bad. my body was quickly flooded with soothingness itself, and my mind was calmed (three of my choices are nervines). so here is the magic blend, because i know you're all dying to know: 1 part passionflower, 1 part scullcap, 1 part white willow and 2 parts california poppy (which i already had on hand, fortuitously having made two quarts of it in '07)...after the relief settled in, i felt so pleased with myself and was so happy to have my faith in herbs renewed--my faith in tonics is strong as an ox, but i did wonder about how herbs would do to relieve pain when the handfull of pills from the doctor did pretty much nothing (except make me puke when i took it before eating breakfast!), i realized i hadn't double-checked their compatibility with nursing! oh crap! i rushed to pull out my PDR for herbal medicine and checked the white willow...safe! i checked the others as well, even though i already knew they were safe, just to be sure. safe! yes!

and that is the saga of my back pain and why i am a medicine maven.

i am grateful for:
california poppy
passionflower
white willow
scullcap
intuition

evidence mounts that i don't know what i'm doing

2009-04-21T09:58:00.000-07:00

i decided to add a list of my labels to the sidebar of my blog...in case anyone out in the world actually needed to, like, conduct research using my blog (?! i don't know why i did this!?)...of course my list of labels reads like a really bad poem and it was instantly revealed that i haven't been using labels they way they were meant to be used. so i commit to using them better in the future. for now, there are A LOT of random one-reference items that will make it super easy for that bizarre one person out there who needs to know something about "bipolar craft disorder" or "the trials and tribulations of crafting" or "vintage sheets made into pants" (i'm dedicated to making more posts about that one!) or "MRI results resulting in a simple tic disorder diagnosis" (one of my personal faves)...i'm just not that good at being willing to do things the way they were meant to be done sometimes. on my flickr page i have a label that says "everything improves with a dirty martini" or something like that and--can you believe it?--i am the ONLY person on flickr with that label. heh. i spent some time this morning trying to consolidate some of the posts with super-similar labels (variations on the same word or phrase and such), but i've done all i'm willing to do in the tidying up phase of labeldom and can only promise to be more consistent in the future.

i'm sorry to anyone reading this, i realize it probably means nothing to you, but i did start this blog as a way to just make sure and WRITE something--anything--often and well, and i feel i've done that today, even if i am the only person i've amused with my exercise. and that is a run-on sentence, folks. enjoy.

today i am going to make the kids do all the chores (mainly dishes and laundry folding--the two mountains of our house) and i am very gingerly (as my back is screwed up) going to plant the following seeds in my awesome new gardens (they are actually the same gardens, but all fenced in and with new soil and compost and woodchips and plants...so, LIKE new): potatoes, skullcap, kale, chard, radishes, lettuce, my third crop of peas, and whatever other seeds i find that can go in now.

i am grateful for:
1. my kids' willingness to help
2. that rodney deeply dug the potato and herb beds for me yesterday
3. medicinal herbs (jubal got an infection in his finger over the weekend which was not ER-worthy, but did need dealing with and the clinic isn't open on sundays...i treated it with thyme tincture and a poultice of goldenseal root and sage and it cleared up almost completely over night! i'm so pleased he didn't have to take antibiotics and that i still have the knack for herbal medicine)
4. modern conveniences like washing machines
5. cookbooks

my birthday wish list

2009-04-20T06:34:00.000-07:00

yes, my birthday approaches. i will be thirty whole years old (it strikes me as wondrously hilarious that there was a time and were a people who once considered thirty to be over the hill! i haven't even APPROACHED that hill yet...i can't even SEE it on the horizon of my life!)...in honor of the impending celebration of my (nearly) perpetual aging, here is my birthday wish list for anyone who might be interested. ahem.

it's a list, but it's not ranked in order of importance or preference:

1. stainless steel electric tea kettle (my (non-electric) tea kettle died over a year ago when vesta spaced off that she was boiling water and i've been using a saucepan to boil water for too dang long) http://www.hammacher.com/publish/74961.asp?source=Bizrate&keyword=74961&cm_ven=NewGate&cm_cat=Bizrate&cm_pla=HOME%20ESSENTIALS&cm_ite=74961# (just an example)

2. tea pot, preferably the clear glass variety (my brown betty finally hit the sink the wrong way. ouch) this one is particularly lovely: http://www.teavana.com/Tea-Products/Teapots-Teapot-Sets/Glass-teapots/Amelie-Glass-Teapot.axd

3. chicken coop and roomy chicken tractor/movable run--the right size for two or three chickens--such as this one:
http://www.instructables.com/id/Backyard-Chicken-Coop/

4. an upgrade to pro on my flickr account (now that i've joined the scavenger hunt--post to come soon--i need to get rid of the monthly megabite limit so i can post 20 photos for the hunt and still be able to post pictures of the kids and the crafts and the garden http://www.flickr.com/photos/hedgenettle/

5. two apple trees--maybe the columnar varieties they have at territorial...in my extra wild dreams they would come with giant pots so that when we move (either to a bigger house or a whole 'nother area) i can take them with me http://www.territorialseed.com/product/7833/163

6. king size jersey sheets like these in blue, purple or brown: http://www.target.com/Home-Bamboo-Jersey-Sheet-Pillowcase/dp/B001J096R8/qid=1240246827/ref=br_1_7/180-7129519-3809506?ie=UTF8&node=344723011&frombrowse=1&rh=&page=1

or these in lavender: http://www.target.com/Home-Organic-Sheet-Sets/dp/B001LQWV3Q/qid=1240247166/ref=br_1_3/180-7129519-3809506?ie=UTF8&node=341519011&frombrowse=1&rh=&page=1

what can i say? i'm worth it!

i am grateful for:
instructables/online tutorials
links
fantasies
flickr
my family

happy birthday, eldest child

2009-04-17T12:07:00.000-07:00

vesta is eleven today! she is a wonderful child, mostly effortless to raise and a pleasure to know and love. she was born at home after a full twenty four hours of labor. present at her birth were: lorin and myself, dad, jan, dawn, clarebeth the midwife and her wonderful assistant kimberly stonebreaker. there was much walking on the day leading up to her birth and it was a beautiful april day...it had been a warm and early spring, so many flowers were in bloom and i especially remember the lilacs. i am surprised every year when i go out in the world to find myself some lilac blooms for her birthday bouquet to find that they often are not out yet. after the many, many painful and somewhat frightening hours of labor it suddenly (or so it seemed) was time to push! 30 minutes of pushing later and she emerged into the world, pure and innocent--all the pain and effort of her birth instantly forgotten and forgiven. she was perfect and wonderful. she still is.

we spent the morning baking pound cake for her birthday dinner tonight (my easy and kind daughter chose "awesome sandwiches" for her birthday meal!)...vesta, hazel, jubal and i all working together to mix and blend and pour and bake. it was lovely and fun.

vesta is: a talented artist, surprisingly funny, generous, kind, patient, helpful, amusing, free-spirited, too hard on herself, beautiful, sweet, loving, smart, a pleasure.

happy birthday, vesta bean! i love you.

i am grateful for: vesta, vesta, vesta, vesta, vesta.

amazon's fixing it...

2009-04-15T08:41:00.000-07:00

just a quick update on the amazon tip...apparently it was caused by a coding error, so there is no need to boycott amazon just yet...here are the links if you want to learn more:

http://www.cheryl-morgan.com/?p=4528

http://journal.neilgaiman.com/2009/04/it-was-dark-and-silly-night.html

i'm not sure WHY my links don't seem to be working as links, but you can copy and paste if you're itching to know more.

neil gaiman's journal quips better than i could about the humorous possibility that the coding error was made by a frenchmen, giving the english something else to blame on them. being that i'm not english the joke wouldn't work that well coming from me...but it does seem like everyone blames the french for everything.

um, WHAT?! amazon are you crazy?

2009-04-14T11:12:00.000-07:00

i was checking out neil gaiman's journal this morning (something i haven't done for months) and he was posting about amazon deleting GLBTQ titles from their ranks (making them harder to find in a search, among other things)...and i was like, WHAT?! that is stupid and unfair and it will be interesting to see what amazon does about it. i just wanted to pass along this link (which has other links) if you're interested.

http://journal.neilgaiman.com/2009/04/amazonfail-sunday.html

(this link doesn't seem to be actually BEING a link--but i think i linked the title to neil's blogpost, so you can try that if you want to read it)

stupid, stupid, stupid.

i am grateful for:
voting with my dollars
neil gaiman
interconnectedness
freedom
love

just a note

2009-04-10T10:36:00.000-07:00

our computer has been away for a few days, getting de-bugged and more-RAMmed and otherwise being serviced...so i apologize for the break in posts and look forward to getting back to it this weekend. i have LOTS to post about. such as: the hazards of love (the new decemberists album), gardening in spring, recent reads, lack of time (my constant battle!), DIY recipes, and more.

i am grateful for: computing speed, patience (it'll be ready in the morning...er, evening...er tomorrow morning...er....), vesta and hazel helping with jubal, brooms, washing machines.

nettle time

2009-04-05T09:44:00.000-07:00

nettles rock! i'm drinking nettle tea right now...

so, it's nettle harvest time and i was blessed enough to get an invite with loki and ronan to go out to cougar mountain to a friend's place (thank you, anna!) to pick our fill. i couldn't find my gloves and loki forgot hers, so we were both bare fingering it and i have the stings to prove it. i'm usually pretty good at touching nettles without getting stung (grasp around the stem firmly, paying attention, and pinch!), but in a mass-collection scenario, you're bound to get stung because you're working fast and it's easy to brush your hand against the nettles (it's the light brushes that really get ya). i'm fine today (we went on friday), but for the last two days i have had the most incessant itch on my hands. last night, in desperation, i slathered my hands with my homemade deodorant, having noticed earlier in the day when i applied it that it seemed to soothe the sting a bit. it didn't really work. but it's worth a couple days itching and tingling for the stock of fresh, local nettles.

i have my nettles hanging from a string of yarn in the living room, loosely stuffed into little paper bags (you can dry herbs in big paper bags, as well, but i didn't have any on hand, now that i make my own shopping bags)...which i find to be the best drying method--they don't get dusty or exposed to light, and dry pretty fast (although i just remembered that i forgot to leave the bags open for a night to let the bugs out...i was on my second glass of wine when i was processing the nettles). another method that works well is those flat boxes like you get when you buy plants or that are under soda six packs and canned tuna...you can layer herbs into those and stack them perpendicular to each other and leave in a cool, dry, dim location for a couple of weeks (i don't have any locations like that in my house, but i'm just lettin' ya know). this method works for nettles because in this case we harvested just the tops, if you harvest the stocks, just bundle them up in small groups and hang to dry for a couple of weeks.

the main uses of nettles, in my opinion, are nutritional--for the record there are medicinal, foody (rennet for cheese), and fiber uses as well--it makes an awesome tonic being high in several vitamins and minerals, including iron, vitamins A and D, ascorbic acid, choline, potassium, phosphorus, and calcium. to name a few. also, it's super high in chlorophyll--a much better "green food" than those crazy pond scum varieties (like spirulina). so i mainly use it in my tonic infusions (infusions being extra steeped teas, basically) mixed with some oatstraw and mint or lemon balm for flavor (my goal this year is to start drinking tonic infusions every day again)...and i powder it up and add it to my breads, soups, stews, chili, casseroles, etc. when it's fresh and in season (in this area that is NOW) it's also a straight-up food, steamed in a bit of water for ten minutes or so it's an awesome side dish green. when i got home from harvesting, hazel was literally running around the house screaming "steamed nettles! steamed nettles!". and the pot liquor (the water left over from steaming it) is a quick shot of nutrition if you can drink it down, or add to soup, or (this is what i did) used as a hair rinse, or dump it on a plant (i've got a pretty good windowsill herb garden going at the moment).

hazel discovered a patch of nettles (the hard way!) over near where the girls have built their fort and yesterday loki went and harvested those. she was nice enough to give me a bag of them (yay!) and now those are drying on the string as well. i noticed a big patch of nettles in the east regional park last year, so i'm going over there today to see if i can score some just to eat on for a few days. there are also tons of gorgeous nettles growing in north regional park, but they are right next to the golf course, so i won't eat them, though they are really tempting and i think we did harvest some last year as far as we could get from the golf course, just for a meal though, not extended eating or medicine making. last year around this time is when the hashimoto's (as of yet undiscovered) was really knocking me down and i think i was just too damn tired to go harvest any for the year (i got my supply from frontier). so the pig pills, gym going, and extra vitamins must be working because right now i cannot imagine allowing mere tiredness to stop me from going nettle picking.

thanks again to loki, ronan, and anna for letting me tag along and for the extra bag of nettles.

today i am grateful for:
1) you guessed it: nettles
2) michael moore--the herbalist, not the filmmaker (though i'm grateful to him as well)...i heard michael moore died recently and i send my regards to the big herb garden in the sky. (his herb books/field guides are THE best)
3) wonderful friends
4) generosity
5) spring

update:it occurred to me a week or so ago, that perhaps the nettles we were picking at cougar mountain were the dwarf variety...which if memory serves is an annual, rather than the standard urtica dioica perennial variety--dwarf nettles are known for their wollap-packing sting and anna asked us to leave a plant or two in each five foot radius to re-seed...the lightbulb illuminates in my brain!

jubal's first haircut

2009-04-02T09:28:00.000-07:00

yes, i finally did it. we cut his bangs a while back, for visibilities sake, but i just wasn't ready to part with the curls. for a while now i've been looking at his locks, thinking about cutting them...chewing on the idea, and even asking him if he was ready to cut his hair (he always said no). then a couple of days ago jubal and vesta emerged from the den that is the girls' bedroom and she had, once again, dressed him as a pretty little girl with big poofy pigtails and a dress-sized (on him) undershirt. she said his name was penelope. it irked me. i realize it's harmless play and everyone has fun, but it irked my anyways. somehow, that sealed it for me. i whipped out the hair scissors and a big bowl to hold the hair and snip-snip-snipped it away. goodbye hair. it's not all short and clipped in true boy style--i was hoping to preserve some top curls, plus i don't know how to cut hair like that. so he's sort of a cross between peter pan and a victorian boy toddler, with some haley mills (circa parent trap) thrown in. he's adorable and it's fun to see his eyes so clearly, as well as his handsome neckline. it was a bittersweet occasion, but i'm pleased with the results...now we'll see if everyone STILL assumes he's a girl.

i'm grateful for: berries, freezers, washing machines, love, bittersweetness

facebook is time consuming and addictive

2009-03-27T09:55:00.000-07:00

holy crap was the phrase of the day yesterday. if you haven't tried facebook, you could never know...it's like an onslaught of six degrees, the six degrees' mothers have six degrees. you type in your info (name and where you went to high school and when) and then it shows you pictures of people you might know. then more pictures. then you find some you know and look at their friends, then you find twenty people you know and you look at their friends...all these people you used to SEE EVERY DAY! it's insane. it made me giddy and sick at the same time. and yes, i easily found tony ray! and a million other people. mostly i wanted to find tony and jodi, and i did. so i'm happy. but damn if that thing isn't addicting in it's astonishment factor, and the voyeuristic thing of wondering what people are up to now that we're in the realm of thirty.
rodney and i have to joust for a chance to go check our facebook pages and then it's just this constant echoing yell from the back of the house: "holy crap!" "oh my god!" "(insert someone pasty's name here)" (and that was PAST-y, like from the past. yeah.)

i am grateful for:
connections
whimsy
good bread
butter
my bike

oh yeah, and loki for telling me how to get photos in the body of my text. doh!

fortness and other random stuff to suck up time

2009-03-26T11:41:00.000-07:00

hey cool--i was checking out loki's blog (at kid drop-offs and pick-ups we sometimes commiserate about how inadequate we are at maneuvering the blogosphere--can never seem to figure out the EASY way to do stuff!) and i was pleased as punch to see that she had done a piece about the girls' woodsy fort (as in, yay! now i don't have to! scritch--that's me crossing it off my really, really long to-do list) here it is, check it out cuz it's cool and there are some great pictures of the girls being all empowered by their creation: http://lokikohall.blogspot.com/2009/03/back-to-land-kid-version.html

as i mentioned i've been sewing up a storm lately and am right this minute in the process of posting some new pictures to my flickr site (see how capably i can multitask)...and i've recently learned about a new thing i have to do: facebook. yeah, i knew it was out there, but ignored it totally. last night rodney got a call from one of his back east best buddies--who we haven't seen since the wedding. he encouraged rodney to sign up with facebook because a lot of their old friends are on there and within the span of an evening he had located a couple dozen old friends. damn! i found out my DAD is on facebook. huh? the thought of re-hooking up with that many old high school friends (actually i don't think i even HAD that many friends in high school) is really weird, but there is one or two people i always wonder about and hey, it's worth a shot. (tony ray, where are you?!)

okay, i'm off to finalize that flickr download and then rodney is taking the kids for a bikeride so i can sew...oh yeah, i'm in mass-production now! i stayed up til two in the morning making peas the other night and today i'm making a bunch of tomatoes. sweatshops unite!

i'm grateful for:
the new bed
the sunshine today that lets a bikeride be possible
computers
wonderful friends
hope